I have for a very long time have this strong gut feeling that my husband is cheating. I even did something very out of line and checked his phone, which I really regret! I did not find anything on there, which made me really hate myself for checking. I have brought it up in a conversation with him, and he did not overreact nor did he neglect my feelings. He just said “ I wouldn’t do that to you besides I go out once a week, when will I have time to do that “ he also added that we share locations and he didn’t mind me checking when he’s out if it bothers me so much. Unfortunately the feeling just did not go away, so I brought up again, and this time he just laughed, and said I already told you I wasn’t. I don’t know why this feeling just won’t go away.
I’ve never experienced anyone cheating on me before (That I know of), I’ve been with my husband for 5+ years. I just dont know what to do with it. Have anyone experienced something like this, and can you give me advice on how to handle this? Thank you
EDIT: Maybe I didn’t give enough context to this whole thing, my bad. This feeling started a long time ago, and it basically started when he suddenly stopped asking to sleep together. We only slept together when I asked for it. He distanced himself for a long time. And yes I talked to him about it and he used to say that I was overthinking and that he didn’t really notice ( Nothing new had happened in our life) and nothing changed for a long time. Suddenly after all that time. He went back to being himself. ( We’re talking at least a year).
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These gut feelings come from somewhere. Are there changes in his behaviour?
So what does he do that makes you think he’s cheating?
I would say just trust you gut girl, as a 28 year old i ignored it and ended up with short-term PTSD.
Direct your anger at yourself for going through his phone and not finding what you wanted. Get therapy.
My ex did this to me and honestly I think she came into our relationship with existing trust issues that just persisted into every part. I gently suggest go to therapy or journal. See why you associate boring / stability with cheating to you.
I usually say trust your gut. But you need to figure out what is giving you this feeling. My gut is usually right but I’m usually able to identify what’s causing the feeling. Like he is giving me less attention, seems distant, etc
You have no evidence (despite checking his phone), and he’s offered to share his location when you’re apart. What’s your ‘gut feeling ‘ based on…there must be some trigger surely?
Is he doing something out of the ordinary? Changed his behaviour / appearance / routine?
A gut feeling. What have you been eating, to make you feel so suspicious?
It sounds like you might just be feeling insecurities honestly. If you found nothing and there’s nothing else that’s causing this suspicion all you can do is try and move past these feelings.
Don’t keep trying to get him to fess up to something he’s probably not doing.
If you go to certain subreddits, like, r/SurvivingInfidelity you’ll find advice like “gut feelings are never wrong”.
On other subs it’s a bit more mixed.
Is there something specific you have noticed, no matter how small?
Changes in his behavior or routines?
It’s possible to conceal things so well that checking his phone would come up empty, but it does take extra work.
If there’s nothing on his phone, he’s always sharing his location, and didn’t blow up on you about it, you should have a few sessions with a therapist to get a hold of your anxiety.
What has happened that makes you not trust him? Either there’s actually something there (doesn’t seem like it) or you have a problem in your own head.
Trust your gut if you feel something is off. It might not be that he’s cheating-maybe he’s being distant, you’re feeling disconnected, maybe he’s hiding something totally not related but you’re picking up on dishonesty. There could be a lot of things.
That’s the funny thing about the brain. It unconsciously collects data from our everyday lives in according to out past experiences.Our brain analyses patterns and probabilities before our conscious mind catches up. You ever had those feelings that you just need to get out of somewhere because you feel like something is going to happen? That’s the brain’s doing. In a way, that’s how your body is protecting you.
There are also times when a gut feeling doesn’t really pertain to dangerous events. Some are for your ‘destiny’. Some people have a strong urge to quit jobs or to move to a different place. But that’s because it’s their future ‘calling’, ‘telling’ them that they need to do this step to unlock the following chain of events to unravel more of their future.
Our brain doesn’t have the means to make a rational identification of something, so your brain communicates with your gut, hence, the sudden gut feeling.
Now, I’m not saying that every gut feeling is right. But there’s a reason why you’re feeling this. There’s a chain of events your brain recognised as ‘cheating’. I’ve only been cheated on twice- both found out through, funnily enough gut feelings- so I can’t really give you a really helpful advice. HOWEVER, I’m here to tell you, in case some people says different, that it’s not abnormal for you to be feeling this way. There’s a reason, and we’ll find out what
Get a therapist and figure this out. If he isn’t you can not burden him it isn’t fair for him. But if he is, it’s going to really hurt. Either way it will be good! I used to worry my husband would talk to his exs behind my back because my ex did that. After therapy I never even think about that. I’ve come to feel like he would be an idiot. But I found out I had issues in therapy related to feeling worthy, maybe you’re different idk ! I do not worry about anything now and learned how to feel secure. I recommend it if you struggle with that. Feels so nice to stop worrying!
When you start thinking about this everything starts to seem like a sign they’re guilty.
I gotta ask, have you ever cheated before? I wonder why you think it’s so possible and simple for one to cheat on their partner.
Your edit is also vague. So are you guys having regular sex or not?
I deleted the rest of my original comment because I misread your post— sorry about that!
But if the issue is not initiating sex I think you should focus on that. Have you asked why he doesn’t initiate? Did he initiate in the past? Did something major happen/change that caused him to stop?
I think you need to consider therapy. You have no evidence whatsoever other than a diminished sex drive which like everything else in life usually ebbs and flows and could be as simple as he’s tired or stressed
Gut feelings can be wrong. You need much more to go on.
When he asked or initiated, how often would you turn him down or not reciprocate/ask him shortly after? He may have gotten tired of being let down and lost confidence and figured that it’s just better and easier to wait for you to come onto him so he doesn’t seem so needy all the time or have to deal with feeling rejected.
As someone who has been cheated on and who has done the difficult work to get healthy after the fact I will share a lesson I have learned that I hope will help you. Always listen to your gut, but don’t always trust your gut’s conclusions. Your gut is amazing at recognizing when things are off that you cannot quite put your finger on. When the details are spares your gut tells you – “there is definitely something there”. That instinct should definitely not be ignored. What your gut isn’t good at is figuring out what that something is. Your gut is a survival instinct that has kept the human race alive, so it tends to lean towards the catastrophic as a “just in case” mechanism for survival.
I am not saying that he is or isn’t cheating here. I am simply saying don’t decide that he is based on your gut alone. If your gut says you are missing something big then believe that, just don’t automatically believe that is cheating based on your gut alone. Use the gut as an indicator that you need to engage the logical part of your brain and figure out what is actually happening.
Maybe he’s dying and doesn’t know how to tell you, maybe he found out his best friend is cheating and has not clue how to cope, maybe he’s to embarrassed to tell you that he’s dealing with ED or sexual feelings towards men, maybe anything really. Your gut is going off so that means something in you thinks this is important. So that means you have work to do, the best place to start is with him and communication. Don’t lead with accusations because again that is your fear speaking, just try to support and listen and see what happens.