I’m 28 and so is my husband, and in the beginning of our relationship I told him I was infertile. He was perfectly fine with it, but I was lying. I really was just afraid of pregnancy, I didn’t want my body to be ruined. All the terrible things I heard about pregnancy scared me off, so when I was fifteen I swore I would just tell my future partner I was infertile and pray they are okay with it, and I’ve stuck with that. Recently we have been looking into adoption and we did end up finding a little girl we’re in the process of adopting. But one night my husband found my old birth control, my female c0ndoms, he even found out I about my nexplanon. He confronted me about it and said “I thought you couldn’t get pregnant?” And I panicked. I genuinely didn’t know what to say and all I did was stare at him. It became a huge argument, understandably. and it seemed like it affected him more than I thought. But he truly didn’t understand. He wasn’t the one who had to be pregnant and give birth. I struggled with body issues since I was eight years old and he knew that, ruining my body for a baby was my biggest fear, and I would have lost myself in it. We haven’t gone through with anymore adoption plans, and he is still very mad at me. I feel guilty. should I just apologize and make up? Or stand my ground?
I’ve been lying to my husband our whole relationship, and I now I don’t know what to do.
r/Advice
Comments
Stand which ground exactly? You’re delusional if you think you’re in any kind of right here. You could have explained your reasons to the man back when he wasn’t your husband, back when he wasn’t committed for life to you. You have the right not to want children, but to be able to conceive and him being physically fit for it and you depriving him of this basic right without a valid, true reason, then you’re absolutely in the wrong. Stop being stubborn. Apologize properly, tell him to stop looking for kids to adopt and give him the choice to either continue living this way with no children or be decent enough to let him leave since your desires are not aligned. You could also learn more about pregnancy, get therapy, and give it a go if all that’s standing between you and children is that fear. I pity your husband for these years of deception. Do what’s right and own up to what you did. No one is in the wrong here but you.
Yikes, if my wife kept this from me I would be shattered. I would happily adopt if she was terrified of being pregnant, but that lie is a humdinger
Definitely apologize if you haven’t already. I don’t know your husband but I’m imagining the stages of thinking he’ll probably go through. I’m sure this has completely thrown him for a loop. It’s going to take him some time to recover so just be there for him as much as you can. Eventually when things start to settle for him he’ll have a lot of thinking to do. And it’s at this time that he may be more open to understanding you. But right now I’d recommend focusing on him and the way he’s feeling because this is a huge breach of trust in a relationship. When he’s calmed down then you can begin to talk about where things go from there. But stubbornness will only push you two further apart. I wish you guys luck.
This is something that I would consider a valid reason for him ending the relationship entirely.
Your reasons for not wanting to get pregnant aren’t the problem, it’s the fact that you lied and maintained this lie for however long you’ve been together. If your husband is someone who wanted a family, and you knew this, that just makes the lie even worse as you were depriving him of something that another woman could have given him. You being infertile would have been out of your control, so he was likely willing to overlook that because he loves you so much since it’s not like you’re telling him that you specifically don’t want to be pregnant and have kids.
To make matters worse, you maintaining this lie calls into question a lot of other things you may have done or said. He’s now likely questioning your motivations for lying to him, what else you’ve lied about, and if he can even trust you. This is likely a level of trust broken that won’t be fixed any time soon, if it can be fixed at all.
Tl;Dr: You messed up big time and you definitely should apologize if your marriage means anything to you.
You are wrong. He deserves better
Stand your ground on what? I’m sorry but you lied. Telling someone that you do not know if you want children would have been the appropriate thing to do. I understand that you might have been younger and recognise the immaturity of this, however you keep the lie going.
I can only imagine that people in yours and your husbands life also offered their empathy and well wishes when they became aware of your (false) infertility?
I mean you wrote the words yourself, you made a decision to lie about it your fertility at the age of 15. It’s Fkn wild you think you have anything to stand your ground on.
That’s a mighty big porky pie to tell in the first place, and then continue to tell, I can’t imagine your husband thinks your word has much credibility, and nor should he.
uh oh someones marriage might be in trouble due to a massive mistake
Not trying to be toxic but damn girl u probably need some good gaslighting to save that marriage
Stand what ground? I am not following. This isn’t about getting pregnant or not, this is about a huge massive lie about your health. It’s not about supposedly being infertile. This is about LYING about being infertile. The cue word is ‘lying’ not ‘infertile’.