Hey folks! I am newly single, in my 30s, and not even sure I want kids…but I get so anxious thinking about naming them.
My mom kept her last name, but my siblings and I have my dad’s last name. So I grew up in a two name household. Later I asked my mom not giving us her name (it’s our middle name though) and she said she always felt connected more to her mom, and this was just passing down her father’s name.
During the pandemic, I did some ancestry.com research, and it was so much harder to research the female lines, verify it was the right person, because names kept changing.
That being said, I’ve thought about this a lot, and it’s great that it’s more normalized for women to keep their last names, but I have never seen children taking the mother’s name which feels just as patriarchal. I also have a great last name IMO and my generation on my dad’s side are all females.
Any ideas on how to have this hypothetical conversations/talking points with my hypothetical husband about my hypothetical kids 🫠
FWIW, I do not live in a conservative area
Comments
I think you’re going really far down the rabbit hole of hypotheticals here.
Realistically? You have lots of little conversations about the things that are important to you as your relationship develops so that long before you’re even pregnant your partner understands what’s important to you.
Personally, my last name is awesome. We don’t love my husbands. We plan to pick a brand new name but haven’t found one we love. I’ve told him that whatever name I have when I become pregnant is the name my kids will have. So we have until we start trying to have kids to pick a new name together. This wasn’t from one sit down conversation. It was from hundreds of little comments, smaller conversations and discussions along the whole relationship.
I had similar thoughts and issues, so when I had kids I gave girl children my last name and boy children his last name.
> but I have never seen children taking the mother’s name which feels just as patriarchal.
I know quite a few couples where the kids have the mum’s last name. In our case, we chose my husband’s last name for our kid after many discussions…. hasn’t got much to do with patriarchy, it simply worked best for us this way.
> Any ideas on how to have this hypothetical conversations/talking points with my hypothetical husband about my hypothetical kids
Ideally, you should already talk about this while dating, and not wait till you’re married. Also make sure to actually read up on what’s legal where you live…. laws change regularly, and some options (e.g. hyphenation, creating a new last name, giving siblings different last name) aren’t an option everywhere.
You can. A lot more men would probably be receptive than you might think if you’re in love anyway.
I’d have taken her last name if she wanted, in my marriage. Same with kids.
And I know a woman whose husband did it.
It’s not common but it also isn’t as far fetched as one might think. 😊