I’m a single parent with full custody. Since birth, the other parent has wanted no involvement. We went our separate ways after child support was established, and we haven’t spoken since.
Recently, child support was reevaluated and the amount was increased. I just received notice of a hearing, apparently they’re contesting the update.
Here’s my question: whenever my child asks about their other parent, I’ve always said, “They’re not a bad person, they just weren’t ready to be a parent and that’s okay. Not everyone is.” I’ve said this for years because I wanted to shield my child from internalizing that absence as something wrong with them.
But the reality is… this person has shown zero compassion towards us. We even changed my child’s last name (per his request). Still, I find myself defending him, partly because I remember when we were together he was a great friend, a devoted sibling and son. And I imagine he’s a loving partner and parent now (to his other kids).
His resentment stems from the fact that I chose to continue the pregnancy. He wanted an abortion, I didn’t. I filed for child support, and he’s never been happy with me since.
So I’m wondering, am I hurting my child more by holding onto this narrative that their other parent “isn’t a bad person”? Or is offering that small grace still valuable?
Another layer to this, I’ve been really intentional about not letting my personal feelings toward their other parent shape how my child sees men in general. I don’t want this absence or neglect to plant seeds of distrust, bitterness, or low expectations in their future relationships. That’s part of why I’ve stuck to the “not a bad person, just not ready” narrative. But I’m questioning whether that’s protecting them or just confusing them.
Comments
It sounds to me like you’re doing the best you can and no I don’t think there’s anything harmful about this narrative. It’s also very neutral and I think the narrative of them “being a bad person” would ultimately be tougher and create more confusion for your kid. Regardless, not sure how old your child is but as they get older they will undoubtedly have more questions.
Edit for grammar
I don’t think you’re doing harm. If he’s not otherwise a bad person, you’re telling your daughter the truth. Unfortunately, yes, that happens. Sometimes someone just really isn’t ready.
That said, as your daughter gets older she should know the extent of that. He’s definitely not a dad to her and you really shouldn’t sugarcoat that once she’s old enough to really comprehend.
What might help this is a good father figure at some point so it would be evident of what a real dad is, but that’s not always feasible.
I think you have to decide (depending on the age of your child) what they are ready to hear. As your child approaches adulthood, they may decide to pursue some sort of meeting with bio dad. Before that occurs you need to have an honest discussion.
It’s okay to say not a bad person. But it’s also reasonable to say your biological father was not in love with me. He did not want to be a parent. And he resented me for being pregnant and choosing to give you life. Or whatever the truth is. Your child could be really pissed off if they feel they’ve been lied to. Your child could be even more pissed off if they go looking for this person who supposedly not a bad person and find out that he is a very bad person, has no interest in being a father, and resents the fact that your child exists at all. I could be very traumatizing.
I think this is the kindest, most compassionate route you could take.
Telling her he wanted you aborted and I wasn’t telling you the truth would be a double whammy and an unnecessary cruelty.
You are doing the right thing.
And in case you haven’t heard it in a while, he helped make her, he SHOULD PAY MORE CHILD SUPPORT for his carefree life while you do the heavy lifting of parenting.
Childfree 41 F
I think it depends a lot on your daughters age. As she grows older, different things are appropriate.
Also, he may absolutely be “not a bad person”, but he’s definitely an asshole for not seeing his child. Both can be true at the same time.
I think the important focus is that he is the problem, not her.
He’s probably not a bad person but taking part in creating a pregnancy then holding resentment when the mother doesn’t want an abortion rubs me the wrong way. Plus now he’s created a family and has other kids that he’s possibly a parent to? If your daughter is aware of that, I can’t imagine how it feels.
Sounds like you’re being mature. You can give a more nuanced opinion when your daughter his older.
Do his current partner and kids even know that your daughter exists?
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INFO
How old were you two when you got pregnant and what birth control was being used?
I’d say telling her this isn’t bad. Depending on other information.
Guess I’m in the minority of thinking creating a child and dipping and wanting no part in what you helped create makes you a bad person lmfao. I definitely would think my dad was a bad person if I knew he fucked my mama and left and didn’t care enough to be part of my life.
How old is your child?
Because they are going to figure this out eventually.
You can’t control how they are going to process this.
It’s ok to say you wish it was different. But this is what it is, and you have to accept it.
My mom had a similar experience, she never said he was a bad person and spoke very neutrally about him, however I quickly came to my own conclusions that he kind of is a bad person. Not like evil, but not paying child support (or being openly resentful of it in your case) is low. Knowing you’re having unprotected sex and getting upset that pregnancy happens is low. I found out as an adult that my biological father went on to tell his family that she was cheating on him and I’m not his. That’s just not what happened, and like I said, she never badmouthed him. But don’t be surprised if your child comes to her own opinions.
You are doing what you believe is best to protect her heart.
I hope someone protects yours too.
Yes. It’s very confusing to kids when you, an adult, tells them things that go against their feelings and lived experiences. It’s very common for the parent who stays to tell their kids the absentee parent loves them when they don’t show up. This teaches them that this is what love looks like. It also teaches them to ignore their feelings. It sets them up for a lifetime of abuse. Your focus should be on supporting your child, validation their experiences and helping them built tools to deal with these things, not on preserving some random man’s reputation.
I’m your daughter at 45. My mom never said bad thing about my biological father until I was older. I figured it out myself. I went to therapy when I was younger to deal with it. I wouldn’t say he isn’t a bad man to her. That makes a child think that if that good man left then there is something wrong with her. Don’t bad mouth him, but don’t talk him up. Be neutral with your words. She knows he is a bad man for abandoning her and is probably looking for reassurance that she isn’t bad like him.
My deadbeat dad died last summer and I wasn’t expecting to deal with the emotions I felt when I heard. Things I thought I was long past bubbled up. Her father is a bad man. His actions will affect her throughout her lifetime. I’m better off without mine and so is your daughter, but it still messes a kid up.
It’s a very good neutral take, when my dad cheated on my mom she let us know that he’s human and can make mistakes and hurt people but he isn’t “inherently evil”
Teaching the nuance of people and their actions is a really good lesson and keeps her from blaming herself
I think that’s a healthy way to hold the narrative (for now) AS LONG AS you’re also validating how she feels about the absent parent and that you’re able to readjust to the more complex truth of “not a bad person but definitely an asshole” that other folks are mentioning. I wonder if anytime this comes up, you can ask her how SHE feels about her father. The preemptive groundwork you’ve laid is healthy, but it may be time to refocus on her experience of it so that she doesn’t feel guilty or ashamed if she DOES have feelings of resentment (and rightly so).
I’m gonna disagree with some folks and say in the long run – yes, this does more damage than good.
I grew up hearing how my dad loves me, he is not a bad person, he is still my father, blah blah blah. Truth of the matter is that he was an absolute shit father and not a great person. Hearing that he isn’t a bad person because he doesn’t show me the love, support and affection that I deserved as a child from a parent taught me to accept a lot of behavior or write it off from men and other people.
Looking back, I didn’t want my mother or family to trash talk him but validating that the situation was not okay and that I had been abandoned would have gone miles. It’s not normal for a parent to have no interest in their children. It’s not acceptable that he was a parent to my half siblings but not me. It wasn’t okay that he never called or acknowledged my birthdays. It did hurt that everyone else had fathers to celebrate at school and for holidays. Maybe less of “he is a bad person” and more of “you absolutely deserve better and I’m sorry”.
I said the same to my daughter. Once she reached a mature enough age (17) I told her the truth. Only tell your child what they are emotionally ready to learn. A child does not need to hold the weight of having a shit dad.
Adult who grew up as a child of divorce here – my mother never said ANYTHING bad about my father despite horrible things he did to her during the divorce (and the bad relationship prior). He, however, spent the entire time badmouthing her and telling us how she had an affair and ruined their marriage. (Turns out they both had affairs. Obviously a great marriage…).
I respected my mother so much for how she acted. She wanted us to be happy and healthy, and saying bad things about another parent was not conducive to that. You are absolutely doing the right thing by your child by being polite about her father. Keep doing it.
It’s a hard situation. I don’t have an answer to your question. Only solidarity. I understand.
My daughter’s father was never in the picture. He showed 0 interest. Obviously 0 support. Lived in a foreign country. He passed away when she was 3. And I hate to say it but it gave me some relief. Because it felt easier to explain to her over just telling her that her dad is somewhere in the world and doesn’t check on her.
Her dad wasn’t a good man. He was a compulsive liar. Chronic cheater. He got a 17 year old pregnant (he was 44) while we were married and he lived overseas. He was a gambler with a terrible addiction to gambling. He was emotionally and physically abusive to me while we were together. I was 23 when we met. Living abroad in a tropical place. I fell for him quickly and impulsively married him before knowing who he really was. It was a huge life lesson.
But do I tell her any of these things about him? No. Not yet anyways. I told her that he loved her. I said he was a good person with a difficult life. He did have some good qualities. He was very talented in a lot of aspects and she is as well. Sometimes I feel like I’m masking the truth. But I also feel like she may not be old enough to grasp the truth fully.
I know there is a very real thing where we compare ourselves to our parents. Anytime she loses her temper or tells a lie, is she going to think “I’m just as bad as my dad?” That’s why I have only told her the good things about him. It’s a hard burden that I’m not sure she’s ready for.
I’d switch the language a bit. “Your father has many good characteristics, but chose to not take responsibility for his actions, which is unfortunate. He’s paying the price by not getting to know his wonderful child.”
You still taste a balanced approach and don’t demonize him, but don’t make excuses for him or make it sound like it’s actually okay that he walked out on you two. Because it’s really not, why you want your child to have better values than that. And you want to acknowledge that it’s unfair to your child that their father abandoned them.
My mother said my absentee bio father was a terrible person for not wanting to be in my life because I was wonderful. She also said she was grateful He willingly signed away his rights to me because that meant she got to have me all the time. Honestly, I think that feels better than “he’s a really good man. He just doesn’t want to be around you.”
Now my mom had a HOST of other issues, but this is one thing I feel she did correctly.
There isn’t really a way to frame the fact that a parent who is willing and able to parent other children refuses to have anything to do with one child as something benign. At some point, she is going to realize that regardless of his other personal qualities, her father has treated her pretty terribly.
But that day is coming whether you disparage him now or not, and imo her not having to navigate your conflicting emotions regarding him or try to integrate the idea that her absent parent is also a “bad person” while she’s still a kid isn’t a bad thing.
There isn’t a perfect solution here and there are arguments to be made for giving a fuller picture of his behavior as she gets older. But I don’t think your instincts to attribute his absence to a lack of readiness rather than a fundamental moral failing (even if that might be the actual reason) are bad ones. This is a hard thing she’ll have to wrangle with as she matures, there’s no rush to complicate her understanding of it while she’s still too young to understand adult relationships.
I think depending on your daughter’s age, you can evolve your response to have some more nuance over time.
Like… two things can be true at once: when we were together I believed him to be a good person. I don’t know him anymore, and obviously when faced with the same decision, I made a different one than him.
You can share more of the complexity as she gets older. And give her space to have whatever feelings she does. She might decide that she doesn’t think he’s a good person, or she might not care enough to define that at all.
I do think it’s good to reiterate that not wanting to have a child doesn’t make someone a bad person… Mostly for your daughter’s sake in the future. What if she becomes pregnant and isn’t ready to have a child? It will be easier for her to make the right decision for herself if she doesn’t have some baked in pressure/guilt about wanting a child = the right and moral thing.
But I think you’re doing a good job now, and also in assessing what might be better to do differently in the future. The only thing that would be harmful is rhetoric like “he’s your father and he loves you” or any insistence on respecting him or valuing him just because they share DNA. He’s not entitled to anything.
You do not owe anyone to protect a reputation they have not earned. Teach your child to not internalize blame by placing blame appropriately.
He’s not a bad person and he’s not a bad father either because he never wanted to be a father to begin with. He wanted an abortion, rightfully so. I wish men who express wanting an abortion when finding out about a pregnancy weren’t subjugated to paying child support just as much as I want easy access to abortion for women. It’s not fair to either side, especially when one side does not want children.
When having children, both parents should be 100% on board with wanting kids. He’s not a bad person for not wanting kids and he’s not a bad person for having sex. I would argue he’s not even a bad father because he had no say in the matter and still has to pay towards something he expressed he didn’t want in the first place.
My thoughts on the matter:
If a woman wants an abortion, she should be able to get it without any hassle or issues.
If a man wants an abortion, he shouldn’t have to pay child support. (Has to be recorded well in advance)
If the woman wants to keep the child, but the man wants an abortion, she should know the risks involved with being a single mother. (should get government assistance) her body, her choice.
If the woman wants an abortion but the man doesn’t, too fckin bad it’s not his body giving birth.
Anyways, I don’t think there’s any harm being done towards your child as long as you state the facts to her and she understands the situation. I’m sorry she has to grow up without a father figure but it’s better than having an abusive father or a father who is present but is consistently annoyed by their child’s existence.
He might not be bad…
But their children are men’s sacred duty. So he is bad at being a man.
I think it’s a complicated situation. It’s horrible to force anyone, man or women or otherwise, to have a kid when they’re not ready. But I would also NEVER force a woman to have an abortion if she didn’t want to.
But, this is the risk when you have sex. Without knowing more details on the situation, I can’t say it’s anyone’s fault. I think how you’re dealing with it now is the kindest way.
Telling her that he isn’t a bad man is telling her that a good man left her. Not good at all. Be truthful but neutral. He made the decision to leave and it wasn’t her fault. He chose not to be a stand-up man and be in his daughter‘s life. He has mental issues that clearly he never worked through and hopefully one day he will.
You don’t want her thinking something’s wrong with her and you don’t want her growing up to find a person just like her father. Teach her that a real partner that actually loves you stays, shows up and that sometimes we choose the wrong partner. But we have to learn to let that person go.