So confused and just shocked today. Not sure how to proceed with this. Please bear with me there’s a bit of background…
A little over three years ago my husbands sister (SIL1) was going through something and he offered her a job. She came out and was working for our company and was in the middle of looking for a house so she could move to our state to make this a permanant arrangement. I was very close with SIL1’s wife (SIL2) and our daughters were best friends. We were very excited for this since they’d be close and the girls could see each other more and we could spend more time together etc. SIL1, SIL2 and niece all lived with MIL in a 2 family and the plan was for them all to move out by us and continue that arrangement. Everyone said they were on board but MIL was weird about it the whole time and I never really got a clear read on her if I’m being honest. I suspected maybe she didn’t want to move but when I tried to talk to her about it she denied.
Husband and SIL1 end up having a falling out over something at work, her personal issue resolves itself and the plans are canceled. The relationship between DH and SIL1 is strained badly but me and SIL2 are still the same and leaving them to figure out their own stuff and not getting involved. This goes on for months until MIL tells my daughter she’s bringing niece for a sleepover, says she got SIL1 and 2’s permission and makes promises. A week before the sleepovers supposed to happen she calls and says “sorry but SIL1 and SIL2 don’t want you around niece” and cancels the sleepover leaving my daughter heartbroken.
Clearly I blew up, texted SIL2 angrily that it wasn’t right to involve the kids and punish my daughter when this has nothing to do with her. SIL2 is confused and says she never gave permission for a sleepover and she’s not sure why MIL said something she never even spoke to them about. I assume I’m being told half truths and take a step back from that relationship. We still text occasionally but it’s not the same
A couple months go by and we go to Nieces birthday. SIL1 gives me an attitude but SIL2 just looks at me and walks away. So we don’t speak. Another couple months go by and the whole family goes to a theme park again SIL2 gives me the cold shoulder doesn’t even say hi to me or acknowledge my presence. I ask MIL what’s is going on that I don’t understand why SIL2 is not speaking to me. MIL says “F her, if she wanted to be miserable and rude she should have stayed home, I’m so mad at her right now I can’t even” so now I assume SIL2 hates me or something.
Fast forward three years – we haven’t spoken a word to eachother, haven’t seen each others kids, aren’t attending family functions together etc. I am LC with MIL and completely NC with SIL1 & 2, as is my husband. A month or so ago husband decided it’s very important for him to resolve things with his sisters (there is also a SIL3 but that’s another story). I tell him he can handle his own family and I’ll do my best but that I am not really on board, they hurt me.
He reaches out to both sisters and starts speaking with them again cautiously (not to SIL2 just his actual sisters). He makes plans to have a Mother’s Day dinner for MIL with SIL1 and 2 as the first time we’d be getting together in years, asks me to come so I do.
SIL2 hides in her bedroom the whole time, SIL1 tells husband it’s because she doesn’t understand why I stopped talking to her. Yet here I am thinking she stopped talking to me so I go in to speak to her.
Turns out MIL has been lying to both of us for the last three years. Both of us were confused and hurt because we thought the other one stopped talking to us and went to MIL to try to figure out why and fix it and she gave us both completely false information and pitted us against each other. Told SIL2 I refused to come to the bday party unless I got an apology from her (this never happened) and when SIL2 said ok I’ll apologize why is she upset with me MIL said idk just apologize. Told me she has no clue why SIL2 stopped talking to me because she’s staying out of it (SIL2 laughed in horror when I mentioned this and said MIL was absolutely not staying out of things). Among all other sorts of bad things she said to me about SIL2 so I’m sure she did the same saying horrible things about ME to her as well.
Me and SIL2 ended up resolving things and hugging it out and apologizing for not speaking directly to eachother sooner. But I am just so confused and have no idea why MIL would do this. Especially since she’s been crying to my husband about her family being broken and wanting it fixed for almost the entire three years. Constantly. While she was sneakily throwing shit in the game to make it worse/cause it.
Could use advice/thoughts. I’m out of my element here.
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Some people thrive on the drama. Look how much attention she’s getting: “Poor MIL, her family is broken and no one is willing to fix it!”
I’m not sure if this falls under triangulation, but she’s done a pretty good job pitting you all against one another.
Your mil has issues. Might be she doesn’t want to feel left behind and not needed, which to her mind would happen if you all get closer and have your own events etc? Or she just enjoys causing hurt and drama? For your sake, here’s hoping it’s the former 😞 without going into any detail, I’ll say that a relative of my husband’s has done similar, on a much larger scale. Smiling to our faces, while telling lies to his daughters, and vice versa. We’re trying to work through it all and reconnect, and he keeps trying to cause more drama. We all think it’s because he didn’t want his own lies and theft to come to light. But we’re all having to rewrite years of history, of decades of hurt that we were kept in the dark about.
Your MIL is evil and it appears you may have a new ally in dealing with her (or not dealing with her). SIL1 might even come around if issues are more accurately understood.
That’s some serious Mean Girls level behavior. She looooves being the one you both turn to for help, and if that means breaking your relationship apart, then so be it. She loves attention, she loves feeling like she has power, and she loves being the arbiter of family relationships. That’s really all you need to know about this situation. She caused it by lying, and the only way to prevent her from ever doing it again is to ALWAYS talk directly to the person involved. She is not to be trusted, ever.
So… spend time with SIL2 repairing the relationship, and simply understand that MIL is so small and has such a restricted and limited heart that she can’t feel good if she’s not in the middle of a relationship and feeling power over it. She is, frankly, pathetic, and it brings her to be cruel because it’s the only joy she knows.