Before I decide to sign up for therapy, I figured I’d come to Reddit first.
My (26F) boyfriend (28M) and I started dating 4 months ago. We were both single for four and five years respectively before that. I don’t really know much about his past relationships, but I have been open with him about mine, and how my last one left me with some major insecurities, specifically related to sex. On another hand, I also have a condition that causes me to get cysts around my groin that leave scars. I also contracted HSV-1 in college from an ex boyfriend.
I was very upfront about this from the jump with my current boyfriend and told him to take some time to think about the implications for him, getting into a relationship with me and whether he wanted to put himself in that position or not. Two days later, we had sex for the first time (unprotected), and became official not long after that.
I mention all of this because I believe that we’re having some intimacy problems that he’s not willing to acknowledge. I’m not shy to send a dirty text when I’m thinking about him in that way, or to tell him things that I would like to try in the bedroom, and he always seems to brush these comments off. He doesn’t engage in the dirty talk (in fact, he turns them into jokes) and while he acknowledges my spicy suggestions, never once has he executed any of it in the bedroom, or allowed me to. I’m not talking anything crazy – I’m talking about him choking me, spanking me, being a little rough.
I confronted him last week because I’ve started to feel really insecure. I asked him if there’s anything I can do to get him more excited or in the mood at all, and he just said that he will take the lead whenever he’s in the mood. I’m fine with him taking the lead, in fact, I would prefer it, but it just makes me really sad that there apparently isn’t anything I can do to turn him on. I feel like at this point in our relationship he should be as feral me as I am for him.
I feel like there’s something he isn’t telling me that he might be too embarrassed or shy to say. I’ve told him that there really isn’t anything off of the table for me. He passes up many opportunities to get down (i.e. when his roommate isn’t home for the night). I even told him I was coming over specifically to give him a blowjob after he had a hard day at work and though he welcomed me, he made sure I had ZERO chance to get him alone the whole time I was there.
I just don’t know if this is purely a me problem. Sex has always been something that I’m good at. Past partners still reach out to tell me they wish we could have another encounter, but my own boyfriend doesn’t even want to cop a feel. Now, when we do have sex, I find myself lacking confidence and it just turns into an awkward situation most of the time.
Every other aspect of our relationship is everything I’ve always wanted. So do I just need to get over the sex thing? How do I not let it affect my confidence so much? I just want to feel wanted by him; how can I get the validation I’m seeking in another way? I’m just so tired of feeling undesired, it’s really breaking me.
TL/DR: Boyfriend doesn’t seem to care about sex. My confidence is suffering as a result.