Long-time lurker, first-time poster. Reading this sub has helped me develop the skills needed to deal with my JNM over the years (now NC), and I am forever grateful. I’m having a problem that I need help with, though.
A few months ago, I got a call from my father (78M). JNM (74F) is not doing well, but is not actively dying. My father dealt with his parents’ declining mental faculties and then deaths about 15-20 years ago, and it was a big mess. Now he and my mother are older, he wants things settled before it’s too late and either of them is not competent to make their wishes known. My relationship with him is fine, though distant, and this doesn’t seem to me like an unreasonable request. I’m willing to do their taxes and stuff when the time comes, you know? Particularly if he’s organized things.
What I’m having trouble with is that he wants me to go up there, a five-hour drive away, to sit down and talk about these things. JNM is not able to travel — she has chronic pain issues that prevent her from sitting in a car or a plane seat for that much time. When I asked why exactly I needed to come up, he gave me three things they want to talk about:
1) End of life stuff, both medical and financial, as I expected
2) So I could see them and get a feel for their physical states
3) “Last is hard to explain. I think we just need to make contact with you in person to kind of reconnect and express are[sic] feelings and concerns and get some input from you.”
Item 1, fine. Item 2, little uneasy. Item 3, SMELLS LIKE A GIANT GUILT TRIP.
Anyway, that was in January. A few days later, a big thing happened that affected my workplace, and I was a big mess of stress and anxiety and depression even without this shit. That thing is still ongoing, but I’ve sort of gotten used to it.
Background, my mother has OCD personality disorder, which causes her to need to be in control at all times. She tried to maintain that control when I was a teenager, and my resistance — which manifested as growing secrecy and attempts to hide on my computer, which she didn’t understand and where she couldn’t follow me — was too much for her. She tried to get rid of me (or, rather, she tried to make my father get rid of me, and he explored options!), and I spent multiple years of my adolescence waiting to go into foster care or a group home. I don’t think that’s a cool thing to do to your kid even if they’re poorly behaved, don’t get me wrong, but I pulled A’s and B’s, never did drugs or smoked or drank, never stayed out, etc. I was just an introverted nerdy teenager who occasionally had an attitude because she was going through my shit or walking in every five minutes and making it impossible for me to concentrate on things.
All that left me with major anxiety issues — or, rather, it exacerbated the ones I had as a small child. These days, she’s a little old lady who uses a walker, and I’m a slightly larger middle-aged lady who could, from what it sounds like, knock her over if I coughed too hard, lol. She is not a physical threat to me. But I don’t want to go. I’m afraid. I’m not going without my partner, who is not susceptible to her nonsense, but I’d be stressed even with him there. It seems like such a huge ask to want me to go up there when things aren’t great at work, in order to experience further stress. I would also have to pay for a hotel, because I’m unwilling to allow them to pay — because that sort of shit has always been transactional with her.
My father texted me yesterday again, and asked if I had any update on visiting. He also mentioned that she “is slipping some.” I have no idea what that means. Like, falling physically? Emotionally? Intellectually? Declining physically? And I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t want to go.
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Tell him you realize that #1 and #2 are necessary and you are happy to help. You’re not sure what #3 entails or if it’s something you are willing to do without more details of his expectations. But one thing is that you will absolutely not discuss or rehash anything from the past. That’s over and done.
I know this is hard for you. My “parents” were, and continue to be, awful, and are aging pretty badly at this point. I recommend that if you do decide to visit, you make the absolute non-negotiable stipulation that only health and end of life issues will be discussed. And that if your awful mother attempts to open her nasty mouth about ANYTHING ELSE, you will immediately end the visit and return home and will ONLY speak to your father about these issues in the future. Explain to him that if he predeceases her, you will only discuss her issues with her medical professionals and possible daily caregivers, and that you will not be one of them. If they can’t handle that ONE very reasonable request, then you can tell them not to worry about it, that you will do what you and their doctors think best, and that they can rest assured that you will probably treat them better as aging adults than they treated you as a child (but that’s up to you, since you owe them absolutely nothing). I really hate this for you.
Compromise with a Zoom or other video call. Tell him to take it or leave it and that she needs to behave. If she starts up with her shit, end the session and tell dad she blew it.
Stay in a hotel so that you can decompress in the evenings. Please!
” When I asked why exactly I needed to come up, he gave me three things they want to talk about:
What about this: you go up, get an AirBnB near them. Tell your dad they need to visit their lawyer for updated will and medical directives if they haven’t done this recently before your visit. Then:
If it feels right, you can say some version of this beforehand: “Dad, I’m perfectly willing to help you out with the paperwork and getting your wishes for medical directives and finances sorted out. Good for you for squaring this stuff away! I can come up _________ evening and why don’t we meet the next morning at Uptown Coffee at 10:00 and go over it. I see no reason to ‘get a feel for your physical state’, I’m not part of your medical team, although if it’s important to you, you can bring yours/Mom’s latest medical records and I’ll look them over. What I am NOT willing to do is meet up with Mom on this trip. I know from your third point that she must want to give her apologies to me, but I am not in a place right now to talk about all that trauma. This visit is about the paperwork, so if she shows up at the coffee shop, I’ll need to leave.”
2 and 3 don’t need to happen at all and 1 could happen over the phone, email, or video call (with your support person nearby).
They abused you. Do not go. No need to feel conflicted or guilty about it. You must always put yourself first. And you do not owe anyone an explanation for your decisions. You can simply tell him: a visit is not possible; I cannot come; a visit does not work for me; I cannot travel to you; or a succinct “no.”
I do not know your father’s level of technological savvy but if you feel so inclined, you could offer a video conversation with him. You could also suggest he send pictures or describe/write everything down in a letter/email if #2 is indeed so important to him, which I suspect it is not. Otherwise, a phone conversations is what he gets, and frankly, you don’t even have to do that if this is all too much or you aren’t ready right now.
Know that you have already been more gracious than they deserve. Please continue to take good care of yourself, which by the way, is something those abusers never did for you.
That’s what FaceTime is for. No need to travel. Guilt trips? Forewarn then the call will end immediately if they try to pull that crap
Pfffffftttttt, that’s super tough on you, and it’s not black and white. The grey area in the middle is gargantuan. So go? Don’t go? It’s not that straightforward for you. I feel for ya.
If you go, try to be emotionally armed. If you have a therapist/counselor ask them for some techniques for anxiety that may run a sneak attack. If you don’t have one, you’ll find techniques online and a practical guide to them on YouTube.
Should you not go, which is also valid, there will be another type of emotional response. You need to prepare your self for that too. Especially as they are older and frailer than before, and when the worst happens, no matter what those that have passed get the last word.
Both your choices are fraught with stress. You just need to gather as much emotional strength as you can.
I wish you all the very best life can bring xxx
Oh here we go. The classic “elderly parents summon adult child for vague reasons” scenario. JNM suddenly needs you after treating you like garbage your entire adolescence? Convenient.
That third reason is absolutely a guilt trip bomb waiting to detonate. “Reconnect and express feelings” is code for “we want to manipulate you while you’re physically trapped with us.”
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep them warm. Your father can email important documents. Video calls exist for a reason.
This is what Zoom is for, babe. Don’t go and keep your cursor on the “end this meeting” icon.
You’ve got this.