I (25F) have an older sister (27F) who I used to be really close with. Unfortunately, that’s no longer the case and I’m heartbroken.
TW: Intimate Partner Violence
She’s been with her now wife (29F) for the last five years, who is very emotionally and verbally abusive, and has poisoned her against me and my parents.
I was firmly in her corner from the moment she came out back in 2018, and embraced her now wife as a sister before everything came to light. Our parents were initially lukewarm about it, and I wanted her to know I always had her back even if no one else did. It turns out that didn’t go both ways.
She had a moment of clarity in her relationship last spring, where she shared how she was being treated and I was able to be a safe space and a shoulder to lean on. She lasted about 2 weeks before being manipulated back, and they went ahead with their courthouse wedding later in the year.
Starting in December 2023, I’ve had an ongoing health crisis with multiple overlapping and debilitating conditions. I’ve had 4 surgeries and ~7 ER visits since then, and have been on medical leave from my grad program and mostly housebound for the last 2 months.
My sister and I live 20 minutes from each other and she has a car, yet she has not been there for a single surgery or ER visit. Keep in mind our parents live 1200 miles away, there isn’t any other family local, and I’m single. She very rarely helps out or asks if there’s anything she can do to help or be there for me, to the point where I stopped asking a while ago. If I ever bring up how I’m feeling or updates with my health, she gets visibly uncomfortable and annoyed, and doesn’t really say anything.
I don’t feel entitled to her help, like she’s responsible for me, or has to drop everything. When I did ask, it was for things like a ride to the pharmacy, come visit the hospital for an hour or 2 when you can, help me with laundry, etc. I know her wife is a big part of why she never did, but it truly feels like she doesn’t give a shit.
She’s become the gatekeeper type of lesbian who thinks bi and ace people aren’t real and just want attention. I’m bi and aspec, probably demi, and she’s been super invalidating about both since I came out. I saw her a few days ago for the first time in months, and she decided to go on an unprompted biphobic rant.
She wasn’t always like this, so I suspect these may be her wife’s views and/or the media she’s consuming.
There’s even more, but that’s the bulk of it all. It’s never my intent to victim blame, because I understand she’s being manipulated and her wife is making it really hard for her. I’m heartbroken for her, and even with how she’s treated me, I’d welcome her with open arms if she comes to her senses again. And I’m hurt and don’t really know where to put it, so this post seemed like a good place.
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Here’s a list my sister made during her moment of clarity about her wife, with the help of her therapist. It’s devastating