I’ve been really close friends with someone (we’ll call her Mary) for 5 years. I’m running into a dilemma currently where I’m working on a project with her (and other friends) and she’s making the atmosphere unpleasant with her constant negative self-talk and getting exasperated at every single thing that happens.
For background – I know that she had an abusive father (who is deceased) and she’s been having blood pressure issues for the past 2 years. She’s been in therapy for 1 year, and I was told somewhat recently that they’re unpacking her childhood PTSD.
In the 5 years that I’ve known her she’s been so kind, supportive, caring, and while she never had great self-talk, it was still fine. We are comedy writers and we’ve been putting together a show with some other friends over the past few months (something we’ve done many times in the past), But I’ve noticed that the past 1-2 months, Mary’s been getting more intense with her negativity. I understand she’s going through a lot, so it seems like of course she would be having a tough time juggling everything mentally, but how do you know when it’s gotten to the point where you should say something?
Events that make me feel as though I should say something:
– Mary has started rolling her eyes at people when they say something she thinks is obvious
– she looks visibly annoyed whenever someone gives her a suggestion (this is a collaborative project, we’re all writers and actors and should be giving each other suggestions)
– she constantly is attaching the phrases “I hate myself”, “everyone wishes I wasn’t here”, “I should slit my throat”, “I’m always the problem”, and “I’m a piece of shit” all of the time. As in, I don’t think I’ve had a single interaction with her in months in which she hasn’t said at minimum, one of these things.
– she is constantly calling herself ugly, fat, and unlikable (not to self center it, but I definitely weigh at least 50 pounds more than she does, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I’m sure most people would consider her to be attractive)
The most concerning part to me – Mary has a vastly different version of events than I do in the above situations. I’ve witnessed some mild encounters between her and other friends and I’ll later hear her recount the situation and she’ll retell it in a way that makes the other person seem aggressive, purposefully antagonistic, and like she did nothing wrong. An example is when she rolled her eyes at someone on the team – they asked her what’s wrong (at a normal volume) and she exploded on them saying she had a rough day and “sorry I’m not schooling my expressions for you” and raised her voice at that person. She left shortly after that, and when telling the story to other people she incorrectly stated that the other person 1. Screamed at her 2. She responded calmly and 3. That she was upset nobody stood up for her (she was being the bully in that moment).
All of that to say – I’m concerned that me trying to bring this issue up with her will get twisted in her head into me screaming at her/hating her/etc. I still love her very much, she’s one of my closest friends and I know she’s just going through a lot and that this will (hopefully) pass, but she’s definitely very difficult to work creatively with right now.
I know this is a really long post, so I’ll leave it there for now, happy to provide more context in the comments if needed.
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Backup of the post’s body: I’ve been really close friends with someone (we’ll call her Mary) for 5 years. I’m running into a dilemma currently where I’m working on a project with her (and other friends) and she’s making the atmosphere unpleasant with her constant negative self-talk and getting exasperated at every single thing that happens.
For background – I know that she had an abusive father (who is deceased) and she’s been having blood pressure issues for the past 2 years. She’s been in therapy for 1 year, and I was told somewhat recently that they’re unpacking her childhood PTSD.
In the 5 years that I’ve known her she’s been so kind, supportive, caring, and while she never had great self-talk, it was still fine. We are comedy writers and we’ve been putting together a show with some other friends over the past few months (something we’ve done many times in the past), But I’ve noticed that the past 1-2 months, Mary’s been getting more intense with her negativity. I understand she’s going through a lot, so it seems like of course she would be having a tough time juggling everything mentally, but how do you know when it’s gotten to the point where you should say something?
Events that make me feel as though I should say something:
The most concerning part to me – Mary has a vastly different version of events than I do in the above situations. I’ve witnessed some mild encounters between her and other friends and I’ll later hear her recount the situation and she’ll retell it in a way that makes the other person seem aggressive, purposefully antagonistic, and like she did nothing wrong. An example is when she rolled her eyes at someone on the team – they asked her what’s wrong (at a normal volume) and she exploded on them saying she had a rough day and “sorry I’m not schooling my expressions for you” and raised her voice at that person. She left shortly after that, and when telling the story to other people she incorrectly stated that the other person 1. Screamed at her 2. She responded calmly and 3. That she was upset nobody stood up for her (she was being the bully in that moment).
All of that to say – I’m concerned that me trying to bring this issue up with her will get twisted in her head into me screaming at her/hating her/etc. I still love her very much, she’s one of my closest friends and I know she’s just going through a lot and that this will (hopefully) pass, but she’s definitely very difficult to work creatively with right now.
I know this is a really long post, so I’ll leave it there for now, happy to provide more context in the comments if needed.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
If it’s gonna pass anyway I wouldn’t put yourself in the firing line. Unless she is purposefully being spiteful to you then leave alone. If she is being mean to others it’s best you leave them to stick up for themselves when she is a ticking bomb. I’m usually all for people standing up for other people but I can’t see where it’s going to get you especially if you want to maintain your friendships with her in the long term. If you feel it’s to bad to ignore then go for it but it doesn’t sound like she will take it well. And if you don’t want to loose a friend consider your approach with caution. Is she a good friend to you? Is she there for you? If it’s all you being the friend to her then that’s not a mutual friendship.
My mom always says, “don’t say anything about yourself that you wouldn’t say about your favorite person in the world.”
To that end, I had to have a hard conversation with a friend who was constantly making jokes about her size. I know why she was doing it. She has always been obese, and in her mind she was making the jokes before other people could.
I caught her in a moment when she was making the jokes AND we were alone so I wouldn’t embarrass her further by having an audience. I told her, “You are such a kind person. And I can’t imagine you would ever make these mean jokes about another person. So you shouldn’t make them about yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.”
It kind of stunned her. We talked it through and I’m not saying it was a miracle moment, but it gave her something to think about. And I know she has tried since then to be kinder to herself.
Good luck.