To give some background context first. My (step)sister and I were raised together from toddlers to be sisters, not stepsisters. Our parents met when I was 20 months old and she was almost 3. My dad had custody of me and her mom had custody of her. We never knew another family so everyone saw us as siblings and we were treated like we were.
Something I was aware of, even when we were kids, is that she’d call herself an only child and say she had no siblings. That was mostly a school and with friends thing. She never said it around our family. But I always felt like she didn’t see me as her sibling. We never had a closer relationship and the other siblings I grew up seeing had good and bad in their relationships. I never knew any that were always distant. As an adult of course I know not all siblings are close and get along so maybe I shouldn’t read into it too much but I often suspected the step mattered in why she was that way. I remember she was always willing to help younger cousins look cute and she’d do makeovers for her friends younger siblings, sometimes I’d even hear her say she’d love a little sister. But she never did those things with me. A few times I asked and she started grumbling and I left it.
I had learned to accept we would never be close by the time I reached like 13/14.
Which is why I was surprised when she asked me to be her bridesmaid.
So I wasn’t asked to be her maid of honor and I wasn’t her only bridesmaid. She had 8 of us. The others were her friends. I did notice I found out everything later than the others about stuff she wanted us to do. I didn’t get invited to look at wedding dresses with the rest of the bridesmaids. But I was included when she went shopping for jewelry for the bridesmaids. We were all there.
Then we had two days of bridesmaids dress shopping. The first store she liked nothing. But I remember feeling awkward because she had focused more on what she wanted for the others dresses. Then the second day was successful. Only I figured out immediately that she was trying the others in these really cute dresses and I was getting dresses that either did not flatter me and my body or weren’t pretty.
I should mention now that we were all going to wear different dresses and different colors. She wanted that.
The other girls all loved what they were trying on and I thought all the others looked so nice. But I hated everything she tried on me. And I felt like they got worse on me as we went on. I did speak up a couple of times because the others did. She listened to them but not me.
I pulled her aside before we finished and asked her if there was anything else she liked for me to try on because I felt like the other girls had nicer dresses. She told me it wasn’t my wedding and I was meant to do what she wanted. I told her I understood but she was okay with hearing out the others. She walked away from me and went back to them. I was texting my boyfriend and he said the dress wasn’t very flattering on me. Even the lady who was helping us said the dress could be tailored to better fit my body if I wanted to try that.
But I saw it as a sign that I wasn’t really wanted and she was using it as a chance to make me feel less than. So I got changed and went back out to her and said I wasn’t working out as a bridesmaid and she could find someone else. She didn’t try to stop me but she went to our family and they were asking why I’d do that and they told me it seemed silly to step down over a dress and that we’re sisters and this is special. I told them it was about more than just the dress but she was always careful to hide the other stuff from them so now they think I’m TA.
I’m doubting myself now. But I did show some others what she was dressing me in and everyone says the same thing. And I showed what one of the other bridesmaids posted and they see what I’m talking about. Plus my friends and boyfriend believe me about the history between us. I know our parents think I’m being sensitive and now overreacting.
AITA?
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Don’t be there for either the wedding or the divorce.
NTA. Your family only sees the surface. Since she hides her treatment of you well, they believe she’s the loving sister and you’re being dramatic. That’s incredibly invalidating and it makes you question yourself. But the people who know you personally, your boyfriend, your friends, the bridal shop ladY see what’s really going on, and they’re siding with you. That says a lot.
NTA. She doesn’t sound like a very nice person. I definitely wouldn’t want to be bridesmaid for her.
Shame your parents don’t seem to believe/understand what you have putting up with for the past however many years!
NTA, and trust your gut on this one. I’m sure she felt pressured to ask you to be a bridesmaid, but she decided to use the opportunity to let you know exactly how she feels about you. Attend the wedding, send a barely reasonable gift, and cut this ‘sibling’ out of your life as much as possible.
Nope NTA
And if family insist on being obtuse about what’s actually going on, that’s THEIR issue.
I’m sorry she’s being such a dick!
Its very hurtful that your parents don’t believe you, and maybe its symtomatic for the dynamic during the childhood then. They don’t want to see how mean she is to you.
This is totally unacceptable and just plain cruel. Don’t second guess yourself. You see what she is doing, and rest with the knowledge your friends and bf and even other bridesmaids can see it. Maybe its not realistic that your parents will understand. Unless you try to give them the full story.
If i were you i would decline participating. Her behaivor is not one to cherish or celebrate so she can be on her own as the only sibling she chose to be.
Focus on those who appreciate you instead. She is not worth it.
She’s doing what she’s aways done, using this an excuse to “other” you and make you less than everyone else. Good on you for seeing through that and not playing her games. She doesn’t want a sister, she never has. You take away the attention from her and she resents sharing the affection and attention. Now you’ve stepped down she’s doing it again, making it about her and acting like it’s a surprise so everyone else thinks you are being petty.
She’s told you how she feels, believe her. She only included you in the first place for the optics, and if anyone said anything it would always be your fault. Go low or no contact with her, let her live her life, and don’t bother attending the wedding. You’ll never have a sisterly bond with her, and that’s fine. Chasing after it and hoping something will happen to bring you closer is futile. You could give her a kidney and she’d still be cold and ungrateful.
Cutting her out of your life as much as possible will make her happy and stop you feeling stressed. Let her have her day, and don’t worry about what other people say. Live your life and demote her to “someone you know”. Your parents are oblivious and look at your relationship through the lens of how they want it to be, not how it actually is. I’m sure they’ll pull the “but faaaaaamily” card and tell you to be the bigger person. That’s always code for “We know she’s being a B**** but we don’t want to create drama”. Let them explain why you aren’t at the wedding or in the pictures. I’m sure your step sister won’t care.
NTa
Drop out of the wedding party.
MAybe go as a guest.
Would had told family “I’ll gladly attend as a guest and not as bridesmaid because I’m not wearing that embarrassing ugly dress she wants me to wear. But since you all think I’m overly dramatic, I can also gladly not attend the wedding at all either to keep drama down.”
They & stepsister need to pick choose their battles carefully because you can easily just elope / have wedding ceremony and not invite any of them when it comes to your own marriage celebration.
NTA. It sounds like your step sister has been manipulative to appear like a saint in front of family so they don’t understand where you’re coming from. To them this is a problem you’ve created not one that exists. The reality is your stepsister is not a nice person. She’s casually cruel to you while maintaining the innocent I don’t know why she can’t get along with me on the dress persona.
Id distance myself from anyone who doesn’t believe you. Short of recording interactions there’s not a lot you can do. People will either believe you or they won’t. But you don’t have to be in spaces where you’re made to feel less and then not be believed by people who should.
NTA
It’s not about making you look bad in a dress, it’s about her being able to say ” Well I wanted her to be a bridesmaid and she backed out because she didn’t get what she wants. “
I’ll admit, she’s very good. Her ability to manipulate and redirect so cleanly is rather impressive.
I would attend as a guest and my gift to her would be something like a toaster. Something she already has. When she complains, youre just indifferent to her, ” Oh well, it’s a great toaster, I’m not too sure what the problem is. I’m sure she’ll work it out.”
Don’t focus on it too much… the opposite of love isn’t hate.. its indifference. I encourage you to adopt that mindset towards her.
She sucks
And she’s jealous of you. Let me guess, you’re likely better looking than her and thinner?
NTA. As a one-off thing I could maybe consider the idea of her just being stressed or having some weird “vision” for the day, but given how she’s treated you for your entire lives…you know how she thinks of you. There’s no reason for you to be there. I assume she only asked you so no one would ask why you weren’t involved.
Unfortunately your family is going to see you as TA. Not much you can do about that, though, you. Your options are either drop out and be TA or ask to be reinstated and have to put up with your butthole sister. Neither of them is a good one, sadly. In no circumstance are you actually the asshole.
You’re an adult now and that means that you get to choose who remains in your life. Your stepsister should not be one of them. If it were me I would be booking a vacation the week of the wedding and not tell anyone.
NTA. Dont go to the wedding. You’re right. You aren’t wanted.
NTA. Why would she choose 2 different dresses for the bridal party? That doesn’t make one ounce of sense.
Be a guest and wear a great dress make her regret it
It’s not petty.
Mom/dad
The dress is just a dress but I don’t feel comfortable being seen in public wearing it.
It’s my body my choice.
I’m not gonna be paraded like that in public for someone who doesn’t care to not embarrass me and won’t accommodate my small request.
The logical way to move forward is for me to not make a fuss and step down.
And that’s what I’m doing.
Me and sis aren’t close,
She asked me out of obligation not out of any other reason.
She doesn’t need me there she has her chosen friends there.
I don’t feel like I fit there and she is not interested in me being there.
I’m ok just being a guest.
It will save time and money.
Nobody cares.
She certainly never claimed me publicly as a sibling so nobody will really notice my absence from the bridal party .
Get over it.
It is what it is.
No need to put on a show of closeness that isn’t really there.
Love
Not a bridesmaid
Nta
Post the dresses she picked and say I’m not going to the wedding and then ask why would I go when my stepsister picked a ugly dress for me and got pretty ones for friends cause she jealous of me and I won’t put up with it
NTA try recording her treating you badly?
Firstly no you are NTA she sounds manipulative and quite clever.
My own way of dealing with people like this is to always do the opposite of what they expect. She wants a reaction and wants to paint you as a bad guy. She wants you to be upset and probably wants you to drop out so that she can be the victim and you the villain and she can make you appear this way to others.
Personally, if you can manage it, I’d get the dress as soon as I could, go off yourself and get some tailoring done on it, style it in a way that flatters you best. I’d then turn up, smile, nod, only speak with her when you have to and even then with polite bit non commital answers and then as soon as the important bits are over, leave and don’t engage with them again.
The fact that to show up and don’t react to their bad behaviour will drive them insane, they thrive on attention and a reaction. If you are really lucky she might get annoyed enough to show her true colours in front of family and friends
I bet she was guilted/forced to include you because it definitely wasn’t her idea.
It sounds like she only had you as a bridesmaid to appease your parents, as they have always seen you as siblings but she clearly hasn’t. She is obviously using this as an opportunity to have a dig at you. Offer to have her mum come and help pick a dress if you want to keep the peace but I’d stick to your guns and stay out of it. NTA.
Play the long game-
Be a polite guest. Give a $10 gift card and a card. Do not help at all. Do not attend showers or bachelorette. Cut and run after dinner.
Never be alone with her. Never call or email her. If she calls or emails- grey rock.she’s an acquaintance.
Parents on an info diet. Do you have contact with your mom’s family?
Therapy.
When you get married- she’s a guest at the farthest away table. Not invited to anything- just a guest. Or pick a place far away when she’s 9 months pregnant so she can’t go. Oh well. When it’s holidays you have schedule visits when she’s at her husband’s family. Parallel lives.
This highly depends on your dress versus the others if you have a pic of it
My SO was a bridesmaid and had to wear a horrendous dress outside in freezing temps and didn’t complain. We joked about it and moved on
At the end of the day it’s a dress at someone else’s wedding
OP bravo for you for standing up for yourself!! Bravo to you for seeing her for who she is not — your sister. You are correct in your assessment and unfortunately she is cruel. You cannot change somebody, and neither should you make yourself accessible for their abuse. You clearly see her actions, and know her intentions!!! Unfortunately your parents do not . I suspect at the very least they may have witnessed some of her cruelty to you and have chosen to ignore it. Do NOT allow “family” to convince you to accept the abuse because she is family !! That’s like staying in a domestic violence filled marriage !!! Attend the wedding, do not make yourself available to her cruelty. Considering your parents don’t ever see her ugliness do not engage them in any discussion about ugly stepsister. I also would not allow any opportunity to her into your life going forward!! She may try to “patch things up” only to twist the knife into your heart. OP focus on your friends who love and support you , and enjoy your life. Good luck OP
Anyway, if she had sister love she would not choose a dress you feel uncomfortable or ugly or shamed in, she would not try to make you feel miserable.
Tell your parents that even the school didn’t know you were sisters.
NTA. She set you up. You were either going to be at her wedding in a dress that looked hideous on you, or you’d drop out as a bridesmaid and she could point to how she tried to include you but you backed out for petty reasons. This was a no-win scenario for you.
Family this is both about the dress and not.
It’s a cumulative effect of his step sis has treated me the entirety of our lives.
List the various ways she has distanced herself from you op like saying she’s an only child. List them all.
I’d finish this message out by saying that not everyone has to get along not like each other. HOWEVER they should be nice and treat people with kindness, especially ones in thee ed it lives who’ve never treated them poorly.
So regretfully, you are out and consider this the ending of this relationship that never was and if they want to speak poorly of someone it should be step sis.
Shame on her. Truly for being such a petty little B.
NTA
NTA. but also don’t kill yourself looking for a resolution. life isn’t a Hollywood movie. people like this are not unusual. and she isn’t going to change and you aren’t going to get a fairytale ending. limit your exposure to her, find innocuous reasons for not being around her going forward. protect yourself, your psyche and your peace.