AITA for not stopping my son [16M] from making rude comments about his dad’s husband?
I (37F) share custody of my 16-year-old son, “Zach,” with my ex-husband, “Mark” (39M). We divorced when Zach was 11, mostly because we had grown apart and Mark came out as gay. It was a shock at the time, but I’ve made my peace with it. He’s now remarried to his husband, “Daniel” (33M), (who was the one who Mark cheated on me with). He’s never been anything but decent to Zach.
The thing is, Zach doesn’t like Daniel. I think he sees him as the reason our family fell apart.Over the past year, he’s started making sarcastic little comments about Daniel when he comes back from weekends at Mark’s.
Sometimes it’s kind of funny. Sometimes I laugh, or I don’t say anything. A few times I’ve just rolled my eyes and changed the subject. I didn’t think it was worth making a big deal over; it’s just venting, right?
But last weekend, Mark texted me upset. Apparently Zach made some joke to Daniel’s face and Mark lost it. He said it was cruel and homophobic, and that he’s tired of Zach being allowed to treat Daniel like he’s a joke. He asked me point blank if I’d been encouraging it, and I said no, but I did admit I hadn’t really shut it down, either.
Now Mark is furious. He says I’ve been passively feeding into the problem by letting Zach be disrespectful without consequences, and that if I don’t start taking it seriously, he might not have Zach over anymore until he learns to behave.
Comments
you’re NTA but you’re kind of on the edge. it makes sense that zach is hurt and still processing how everything went down.. especially since daniel was involved in the cheating.. but allowing that hurt to turn into passive-aggressive or outright disrespectful behavior isn’t doing him any favors. venting is one thing but mocking someone (especially to their face) crosses a line no matter how you feel about them. you don’t need to defend daniel but you do need to teach your son how to handle complex emotions without lashing out. letting it slide might feel neutral but to your ex it reads as silent approval
YTA. Fake post.
In a way, you have allowed him to think it’s okay by not correcting him at the time. Which has resulted in him outright insulting people to their face.
Have you had a conversation about how he feels about the divorce, etc?
Yes. You are the asshole. Loretta is the only place in the world I see people have to explain this. You are the adult you are supposed to encourage better behavior. You are supposed to see this child lashing out and stepping because it’s your child who lives with you and you seem to be the only person who is okay with this behavior and it’s not okay. You need to parent your child yes you are the a**.
YTA if you think homophobic slurs out of your 16 yo son’s mouth is something to laugh or roll your eyes at.
You’re ok with your son being disrespectful towards anyone? Are you sure you’re a good mother?
NTA I would text Mark and say “First of all, you cheated on me and broke up our family. Did you really think our 16 year old, who was 11 when we divorced, really didn’t put 2 and 2 together? He knows what you did. Don’t try and call this homophobic. This is a child acting out after his Father’s poor behavior. Kids never like the affair partner. Doesn’t matter if they are a man or a woman. You hurt our son, he acted out. Now your solution is to keep your distance from YOUR CHILD because he insulted your AP? I’ll make sure to mention that to the courts when I go for full custody. I will also not hesitate to let your family know why you are distancing yourself from your son. If you want to prevent that from happening, I suggest you act like a parent, take accountability, try and do right by your Son, and stop being so selfish. You are supposed to be the adult in this situation.”
YTA
Your kid is turning homophobic and you’re ok with it for personal reasons. Parenting first.
NTA. Regardless of the sexual orientation, it is totally understandable for a child to resent and even hate his father’s affair partner. Of course he sees that person as the one who wrecked his safe home.
If your son is being forced to visit his father and affair partner, he is going to react. And see his mother as his fellow victim of his father’s adulterous behavior. And is possibly acting out so that he doesn’t have to visit them anymore. So his father’s threat is empty at best and actually a win for your son.
NAH. You’re all dealing with complex feelings. It’s time for a sit down talk with Zach: it’s okay to express hurt, but he must also respect others.
You’re an adult. Start behaving like one.
What’s an example of a rude comment he’s made?
So, the cheater is butt hurt now? Who cares?
Dont shut it down. Let it be. The cheater deserves it. FAFO
YTA your ex is gay and any issues you have with him and that should have stayed between you. YOU are raising a homophobe. If you think he is only treating your ex’s husband this way you are mistaken. What you should be teaching your son is how to be respectful to others and understand that we cannot control who we love.
NTA – gonna take your word that Zach’s snide comments are NOT homophobic in any way shape or form (but encourage you to keep looking for any undercurrents there – and to educate your son that love is love). If you care about your son having a positive relationship with his father, you should encourage him to at least be respectful of the AP in their home (they are married after all). Also, I highly recommend therapy for your son – as a teenager this must be BRUTAL.
YTA. Good luck when he takes you back to court for parental alienation. Your son has seen he can get away with being a homophobe so this will only escalate.
Your silence and laughing condoned Zach’s comments. If the shoe was on the other foot and Daniel was your new husband would you still laugh, or roll your eyes at Zach’s comments? And would you hope your ex supported your new husband and stop Zach from making those rude and homophobic comments. I bet you would. YTA.
Imagine that Daniel wasn’t your ex’s husband.
Imagine he was another kid at school. Or a neighbour. Or a stranger in the street. Anyone really – but that anyone happened to be gay.
Your son is making homophobic jokes against and about them. And your response is you don’t say anything. Sometimes you’ll laugh. Because they are hilarious bigoted jokes.
At this point, hopefully you’d realise you’re a dreadful person. Or maybe you’d wait until your son was making those hate-filled jokes to that person’s face – and you’d then realise you’re a dreadful person.
Yeah, YTA. And don’t pretend that you “didn’t encourage” your son. He’s made shitty bigoted jokes and you’ve laughed along with him.
These are the actions of a bad parent and a bad person. You are failing your son.
YTA
Imagine the situation was reversed. Eww.
Wow. You’re a POS. You said yourself you laughed. Teach your kid some respect lady- do better.
Slight YTA.
If this wasn’t about your trauma, you’d teach your son to respect other people.
Not your hill to die on, but you aren’t actually making your son any favours here either.
NTA, if your son were making homophobic remarks that would be a different story but as you said he is talking crap about the affair partner for being the affair partner/ home wrecker/ and a generally crappy person.
YTA
So you let your son be disrespectful and homophobic and laugh about it and still can’t see where you’re going wrong as a parent…? Yep, YTA big time.
It doesn’t take much to be a decent human being and you are on your way to fail teaching this to your son by not being a role model yourself.
No, this does not justify or excuse cheating.
Mark is can mend this situation, like the way he broke your family. You don’t decide to break your family then play house house when it suits you or your AP.
Maybe see if your son needs to go to some sort of betrayal trauma therapy or individual therapy. Cheaters forget their betrayal doesn’t just affect their spouses but their children too.
NTA
Yes, YTA. You’re the adult, not your kid. So, he should feel safe to tell you how he feels. However, if he doesn’t like the hubby, it is up to you to show what adulting looks like, which means pulling him up on sarcastic/bully like/bad wording.
The only thing that kid needs to consider is
“Is my dad or whichever parent happy?”
“Do I need to love this person? No, but try to have some respect. ”
“How is this in my life affecting me or my relationship with my parents?”
As for your son not being allowed over anymore, you both need to be united in how to deal with this.
Rolling your eyes or changing the subject isn’t working. It isn’t showing that you’re in need of your young one, actually understanding or changing their words.
You don’t have to like the ex and their partner, you do have to pull the young one into line and help them understand that in life you’ll never like everyone, but you will have to learn to get on with them.
They don’t have to like/love the new partner, but you do have to show how to move on as an adult .
My mum showed me it was ultimately my decision if I liked my other parents’ partner or not, my parents’ partner kept telling me me how bad my mother was instead.
I am truly grateful for this viewpoint.
You don’t have to agree with what or how I’m saying it, but you may need to consider more than just “is it a well put joke?”
Yep, YTA.
Nta and affair is an affair and it isn’t less awful because your ex tricked you and stole over a decade of your life. If your kid hates them then he hates them.
YTA.
Son has a right to feel the way he does. Daniel does not deserve any respect, nor should he feel entitled to any.
Both him & your ex husband are disgusting people. Not because they’re gay, but because they are both adulterous losers.
Just because you’ve made peace with it, doesn’t mean your son has to.
Edit: Downvotes are funny. This dude cheated on his wife with a man, put her at risk of STIs, and ruined his relationship with his son. Yet ya’ll think he should be defended 💀
He’s allowed to be upset about the divorce, but making rude jokes to his stepdads face is not okay. Honestly it doesn’t even matter that they’re gay. If Daniel was a woman, it still wouldn’t be okay.
It’s time for a sit down with Zach to tell him that you’ve made your peace with Mark leaving and remarrying. It’s time to either let go of the resentment and stop making hurtful remarks, or stop going to see his dad. He’s 16; he can make that decision. He can always change it later.
Homophobic or not, you’re raising an asshole, and that makes you an asshole. So fix it.
ESH.
The guy who blows up his family because he realized he’s gay needs to own it.
The affair partner needs to own it.
The kid, who should be more respectful to adults needs to own a very small part of it. He doesn’t have to like people, but he should learn to not say anything that happens to come into his head.
The mom needs to own it since she’s not shutting down the kid’s bad behavior even to the point of taking some satisfaction in the kid’s “jokes”.
We’re thinking this is real and not low effort rage bait?
YTA. You’re ok with your kid being rude like that? I know my mom would have smacked me upside the head for something like that.. Stop doing nothing about it because it shows your kid that it’s ok to do that stuff since there is no consequences from you about it
YTA. If you already knew Zach was potentially struggling with the divorce (“sees him as the reason the family fell apart” means Zach has not come to terms with it) it should have been addressed. As soon as Zach came home with his comments, those should have been addressed. And your post didn’t say it, but this needs to be addressed now. You cannot take a passive approach.
Clearly he’s making homophobic comments and, yes, YTA for not shutting that shit down. WTF?
Kind of the AH. We had a similar situation in our family with an aunt who came out and their marriage split with my cousins in 5th/8th grade. Your ex was gay, sorry but the marriage was going to fall apart even without Daniel (yes, the cheating makes it worse).
You are the parent. You are the adult. Laughing at a couple off hand comments doesn’t make you the AH but not stopping it does.
Let your son vent to his other 16 year old friends. There’s probably a lot he’s feeling (why wouldn’t he) so maybe it would also be wise to seek a little counseling for him to learn how to express that hurt and work through everything better.
If the “jokes”/insults actually aren’t homophobic, NTA. Most teens don’t have good relationships with their cheating parent and the AP. Your ex is huffing glue if he thinks otherwise.
YTA- I understand you may have been hurt by your ex and even by his husband as well but you’re supposed to be co-parenting a child together. It does the child no favors to allow him to be disrespectful towards either person. It’s okay for him to not to like him and to respectfully talk about that with you. What’s not okay is disrespectful jokes and being rude to the person.
You’re allowing it by laughing along and not shutting down the jokes. You’re an adult act like one.
YTA- the reality is you haven’t made peace with it like you claim. If you had no matter if the comments were inappropriate or not you’ve been shut the situation down but you didn’t. The first time he said something if he was letting off steam okay. But every single time you let it ride. You still feel away and you’re letting your child’s feelings be yours. He felt well mom let me say it so I can be bold and say it to them. I guarantee it was something homophobic. You and your son needs to get counseling cause once you start checking the situation he’s going to become even more resentful of his father and partner. Get it together cause if he can do it to his parent imagine what he’ll say to others.
My parents split because of cheating. I was really angry with the cheating parent through my teens and was hurtful and disrespectful. My non cheating parent allowed it and actually fed it. As I hit my 20s and 30s, I realized that relationships are not so black and white and sometimes it is easier to sabotage a relationship rather than actually confront the problem straight on. That doesn’t make it ok, I am pointing out the feelings. Your ex struggled with his sexuality and probably endured a lot of complicated feelings about it and his relationship with you and his role as a father. He cheated instead of talking to you about it and yes he is wrong for doing so but humans are neither perfect nor reasonable when it comes to complicated feelings. Would you have wanted to share your life with someone who felt he was in the wrong body with the wrong person? Would it have been easier if he had killed himself?
That said, it does make it difficult for kids to understand which is why AS THE ADULT you SHOULD be working with your ex to help your son understand and process his feelings about the split. Your ex’s new partner is not to blame for what happened and should not be treated so badly.
For those who think this is ok behaviour give your heads a shake. Both parents are making it worse for their kid by allowing this or not addressing the issues. I am still angry with both my parents for what they did because their issues with each other impacted their ability to parent us. I have a relationship with them but I am adamant about their relationship and their past being their problem, not mine. My spouse was divorced and his ex encouraged their kids to be angry with their parent and now there is no relationship or it is full of anger and resentment. All because they weren’t compatible as partners and got in too deep before realizing it. Should they have split before kids? Yes. Was it difficult to disentangle after kids? Also yes.
YTA for not helping your son through this. If the situation was reversed and your ex was allowing your son to make fun of you, would you be ok with it? This man is going to be in your son’s life and it is healthier for him to understand why and how that should look.
I’m gonna go against the grain and get downvotes
If your husband cheated with a woman and married her most comments here would validate your son. Sexuality aside, sorry your ex did a horrible thing and needs to own it. Have some therapy with your son and move past it. Living his ‘truth’ doesn’t entitle him to cheat and hurt you and his son.
Your ex wasted your time and stole years of your life you can’t get back because he hadn’t found himself yet but he was cool with leading you on instead of figuring himself out. What your son doesn’t realize because his dad was still finding himself that if it wasn’t Danial it would’ve some other man. His dad is who he needs to direct his anger at.
YTA. You need to get your kid into therapy and put your foot down regarding the homophobia. It’s not acceptable.
NTA. Mark cheated with Daniel and then your family broke up. Zach’s pissed off about it. It’s not your job to make Zach ok with it. That’s on Mark
Well they cheated so idk they can’t complain about insults from the homewrecked son
If Daniel was the affair partner, I can totally see why Zach is upset with the situation. If this was a woman he had cheated with I’d feel the same. Making kids basically accept the new person (especially when there was cheating involved) isn’t ok. I see this with APs who become the stepmom on here a lot. The kids have a right to feel how they do. Does Zach want to continue to visit his dad? If not, he shouldn’t have to. I’d let him know it’s not ok to outright insult others to their face or talk smack behind their back, regardless of how we feel about them and what they’ve done. Maybe not going to dad’s anymore would help? If this was a stepmom situation I’d say the same thing (I have zero tolerance for cheaters lol). I’d talk with Zach and explain that being rude isn’t ok and that if he doesn’t want to go visit his dad anymore, that’s fine. I’d also look into maybe getting him to a therapist.
Well, Daniel, along with your ex, is the reason your marriage fell apart. So it makes complete sense that Zach would resent him, no matter his sexual orientation. NTA.
You are the ah, but I understand why. You are hurt, but allowing your son to be disrespectful regardless of the circumstances is allowing your anger and hurt to affect your sons relationship with his father. You should talk to your son about his feelings and discuss being respectful to his father’s husband because this is in your sons best interest. He probably was being disrespectful because you allowed it at your house by laughing when he made the jokes.
NTA
most of the people assuming they’re homophonic jokes aren’t reading your comments- obviously the main issue for your son that his father married the affair partner. Your son’s comments don’t indicate there being an innate issue with his dad being gay, but having an issue with his dad being a cheater.
Also, if the affair partner was a woman- would so many people be siding against you? I see a lot of Reddit stories about dad marrying female affair partners and people overwhelmingly say stuff validating the kid’s feelings/actions.
After reading the specific jokes/comments, I don’t think he said anything a teenager wouldn’t be predicted to say about an affair partner. Kid probably needs some therapy though- at least a monitored conversation with dad to clarify what the issue is.
YTA – parenting is teaching your children to be respectful. You can let them share their feelings but when they are being rude it’s your job to talk to them about it. You come across as you aren’t over it and you allow your son to vent for you. It’s not ok.
NTA, but I’m curious, how is your son treating his father?
NTA, your son isn’t wrong
YTA.
You have given passive approval for your son to be an AH to someone simply because they exist. You have given passive approval for your son to be a bully. Ask yourself if you would be okay about him talking about you or your partner like that and whether you’d want your ex to nip it in the bud.
Parent your child. Teach him to treat others how he likes to be treated before he says the wrong thing to the wrong person.
Also, put him in therapy.
I’ve been in your son’s position, except my parents split up a couple years earlier than you guys did. And yep, it’s pretty disrespectful not shutting that down. Especially if your son has siblings who are hearing these comments.
I think if your kids’ comments before were not homophobic but more about your ex’s hypocrisy around truth telling etc, as you’ve indicated they were, you’re NTA when the kid suddenly comes out with homophobia— but you do need to take it seriously. Not just for his dad and Daniel’s sake but because that’s not cool in any way.
Kid needs to know— not from you but from dad— that he’s entitled to feel hurt by dad lying / cheating and dad has a responsibility to mend that trust, but both of you need to be a team when it comes to hate speech.
Tell your husband he needs to own the kids cynicism about his faithfulness, but do pledge your support in correcting the kid’s homophobic slurs.
Uff I just see a child that will grow up to insult and degrade anyone he does him “wrong” in any sense of the word. Rivals at work, rivals at love, rejections from females and anyone that doesn’t show him care will be in his line of fire. That mentality will set him back in a long run and isolate him. Parent better.
YTA.
From your comments you admit you don’t even know what your son said. So you as a straight woman, have no right to determine if it’s homophobic or not. I understand he is upset that his dad cheated “not sure if that’s true or not now how you’re describing it in the comments. But let’s assume it is.) but you are not helping your son.if it’s truly not homophobic now, it will become soon. And if you say something in front of him, chances are he’ll do it behind your back. You are letting his anger take form in unhealthy ways, and you’re allowing your anger to blind you to the fact that your child is hurt, and needs help. Put him in therapy, and maybe your self too. It sucks what happened to yall really I’m sorry. But there are ways to be cordial and not interact with people you don’t like, but have to deal with. This isn’t that way.
YTA yes. Letting him make this comments makes it worse for your son your ex and everyone. Some part of you let it happen probably from bitterness.
NTA. Your husband cheated on you and then married his affair partner. Orientation and gender are not relevant to your child’s right to appropriately feel animosity directed at said affair partner. I believe you when you say the criticisms are not homophobic and when someone tries to label any and all criticism as some type of bias against an immutable characteristic of the target of the criticism not implicated by the criticism, that is just an effort to bully silenced. The fact that your husband is calling his own child homophobic in an attempt to bully said silence is profane narcissism and suggests he prioritizes his new relationship over his child which is absolutely repugnant if true. Your son has every right to have deep feelings of hurt and pain because his father cheated and destroyed his family for a lover he later married and he has no obligation to be okay with it. His pain matters far more than the affair partner’s hurt feelings. Your husband sounds like an awful person and his husband sounds like a narcissist who is more concerned with his bruised ego than he is concerned with his stepchild’s feelings and mental wellness.
You are, sorry to say. As a child of divorce who was pitted against both of my parents, it wasn’t good for me.
YTA. Mark is right. You lied when you said you have not been encouraging it. You have laughed, and you have never said anything to reprimand your son, or even discourage his comments.
YTA and you’re raising a shitty person
NTA, the joke was not homophobic, it was based on how he is a cheater (that is something universally bad and he is)
NTA fact is, regardless of gender, your ex cheated and is putting his AP in his son’s place. He could have divorced before cheating, he didn’t. His son knows that, he knows who he cheated with, he knows he’s got to maintain contact with his dad but he resents the hell out of being made to maintain contact with the AP. If it were a woman, everyone would totally get it. It’s a guy, but still an AP, and still something that could have been avoided if they waited until you and husband had separated.
ESH.
You for not really reigning in your kid’s venting. Your ex for quite literally fucking around and finding out.
(Like, what kind of relationship did he think his kid was going to have with his affair partner? lol?)
If it was homophobic your kid also sucks and should be reprimanded for that.
Everyone has been an angry teen at some point. I’m sure he can find ways to express his displeasure at his father (or their relationship), which doesn’t involve discrimination.
ESH This is going to end very badly for Zach.
A child is allowed to vent about the man who helped destroy his family. Why should you shut it down? Maybe Mark should have shut the affair down. Or maybe he should never have had a child and wife if he identifies as gay. I was a few years past 18 when I realised I was in fact into women not men. I’d been confused for years. I was asked out by a man and a woman. I told both the same thing. I can’t date you because it’s not fair to you because I have no idea if I’m straight or a lesbian. Nta
Okay first of all, your husband betrayed you and stole a huge piece of your life, by marrying you knowing he was gay. That should be acknowledged. I think we get so caught up in LGBTQ+ support that we have just decided this is so sad for the poor gay person when this happens, and not a total betrayal and life-ruining action to the straight part of the couple. You were robbed of the real true love and marriage you deserved. But you need to make sure your son separates your husband’s terrible betrayal from how most gay people act – because you don’t wanna send another homophobe out into the world to ruin other innocent people’s lives. For that YTA. You need to get your son into therapy, but also acknowledge your son has every right to be upset. Which is probably the reason you’re not stopping his comments. I get that. Your husband betrayed him too. This is worse than leaving you for a younger woman. He knew when he spoke his vows that it was a lie. But he can express his anger and hurt without folding in a lot of homophobia.
NTA
“Waaahhh, I lied and cheated on you now my son doesn’t like the guy I broke our family up over”
Your ex needs to realize, gay or not, that he screwed you guys over and the last people he should be expecting any grace from is the kids he abandoned. As far as I’m concerned, he made a commitment and he broke it because he wanted out, regardless of the reason.
If it were me, I woulda told you what I was feeling and stuck around until our kids were 18 before I made any moves. If I absolutely needed to date guys while sticking around for our kids, I would have had the talk with you and kept it a secret until the kids were old enough and ready to understand fully, not just bowed out and ran off. Its selfish and your son has every right to be angry and resentful of his new husband, as do you.
Next time your ex calls whining about it, tell him he made the bed he has to sleep in it and you’re not gonna be referee to what your kids think and say about the situation that HE put all you in.
YTA.
So, if your comment referencing what was said – about the only thing consistent about Daniel is lying – is the only form of insult then yes, homophobia needs to be taken off the table.
But, it doesn’t seem like you’ve asked what else has been said – or if any of the context around that was regarding sexuality. For instance if the wider conversation was regarding your ex coming to grips with his sexuality, then it’s not ok for you to continue to frame it as non-homophobic.
As for letting these comments continue/occasionally laughing; YTA. You’re bringing your hurt and bitterness over the way things ended to your son.
It would be absolutely valid for him to have his own feelings regarding the matter, but your job as the adult is to help him work through them, not to encourage them.
All you’re doing right now is helping to maintain a fissure, and teach your son that this is the way to deal with heartbreak – snide remarks and holding on to pain.
I am sorry for what you went through, but if you want to coparent well, and show up well for your son you need to stop this behaviour now. And the first step is hearing out – from your ex and his partner, exactly what is happening over there.
your husband cheated on you. he & his husband deserve every mean joke & comment your son throws at them.
More information needed.
You say the jokes aren’t homophobic but we kinda need to see the joke to know that.
Is it justified for your son to hate this person? Maybe. Is it good that he’s repeatedly making jokes at his expense? Probably not.
Homophobic or not, you could argue your son is essentially bullying this person, and that might become a pattern in how he treats others. It inevitably will have a bad effect on his relationship with his father, which you might not care about but might be bad for him in the long run.
I’d lean in the direction of this not being great.
You need to be Switzerland in this. If you don’t step up and get upset EVERY SINGLE TIME you hear him be rude. EVERY SINGLE TIME!! Imagine if he was making comments about your SO/spouse would you be upset and expect his dad to discourage it to help you? You are doing the same even if it’s unconscious on your part. You need to correct him 100% of the time rather than just changing the subject because what that shows is “approval, I just don’t want to talk about it at this time.”
Mark decided to throw his family away by cheating. Doesn’t matter he’s gay. The guy he married Daniel helped him destroy Zachs family.
did anyone help him adjust at all or just expect him to roll over and accept the huge change of what happened in his life