Grab a cuppa because this is a long one…
I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (26M) for nearly 4 years now. A couple months ago I went on his phone (yes, technically a breach of trust by going through his messages, but also not as we had discussed in the past that we both have nothing to hide and can use each others phone) and found flirty messages with a girl he knew from school. He swore up and down on his mom’s life that’s all it was, then after I found explicit images on his phone, he admitted they sexted a few times. After many discussions we decided to try and move past it, he was really putting in an effort to mend things with our relationship, and we both knew it would take a long time to build back trust. I asked him if there was anything else he needs to admit to me for everything to be out in the open to move forward and he said that was everything.
Fast forward a few weeks I went on his phone again (call it women’s intuition) as I remembered some things in a photo he had taken didn’t quite match up with the timeline he admitted to with sexting the girl he went to school with. He also had saved some explicit content saved from Reddit (at this point I had no idea Reddit was that type of site) so I decided to have a look on his reddit. He is a part of communities on Reddit where people message each other to talk, sext, masturbate, etc. So I checked his messages on Reddit and he has messages going back over a year (Jan 2024) with many different people (men and women) sexting. In more recent messages (about a month ago), he states he ‘fucked a 20 year old boy a few days ago’. I am absolutely shocked and disgusted that he has been doing this for so long in our relationship, and also that he is apparently bisexual as he always claims to be straight. There is no doubt about it, this is cheating and disrespect and a complete betrayal of trust. These messages were all before we had our discussion about him sexting the girl he went to school with, so it seems like our near break-up has made him stop sexting with people online also. I don’t want to admit to invading his privacy again as I know it is wrong, but I also feel like I need to confront him about this. I have asked him if he has sexted with anyone else other than that girl, or cheated on me in any way, etc, and he promises he hasn’t, but I know this is a lie based on everything I’ve seen on his reddit messages.
I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to handle the situation. I know I’m quite young still, but I genuinely believed he was my forever person. I suffer really badly with anxiety and knowing I am anxiously attached. I am also scared that if we break up I will end up alone forever. I know I would really struggle to be happy and carry on with life. For years he has been my rock and my home. I want to be with him but this whole situation is making it hard.
Would you stay with your partner if they did something like this?
How would you handle the situation?
Am I a fool for thinking our relationship can work after this, especially if he is not admitting to the sexting on Reddit and allegedly fucking other men?
Please help, any advice is welcome. Any questions for more context / info is also welcome.
Comments
Just dump him. You being insecure about your love life and future is what is giving him the strength to continuously cheat on you. I don’t see him stopping anytime soon. There are a lot of great guys out there who would love to be with you, stop overthinking and choose yourself over him.
He is not your “rock”… unless that rock is covered in dog shit. Relationships start with trust, until that trust is broken. He’s broken it, stomped on it, shit on it and lied to your face. You don’t need to admit to reading anything, you just tell him it’s no longer working and you want out. You are young, you have the rest of your life to find your worth and accept better from your next partner.
I had a similar situation with my Wife(38) one message led to uncovering much more, hard to deal with…..got 3 young children and ivd found a place of comfort and forgiven and think I know the whole story……..but trust is a funny thing, it’s broken so how sure can you be you know it all? Right?
Being betrayed is hard, if you have no ties, I’d be out like a shot.
I wish you well, happy to share/talk more if it helps.
Get tested for STDs and STIs immediately, leave him—this is not salvageable. Also, seek therapy to understand why your self-esteem and self-respect are so low that you’d tolerate this. Seriously.
Ewwww. You deserve better… Oh, and get yourself tested immediately…for EVERYTHING.
Ghost!