I love my husband, I really do. We have been together for 12 years. We just had a baby a year ago and since then we have had more fights than ever. He constantly is speaking to me in a way I don’t like but then when I bring it up he acts like he didn’t say it in the ways he did. Well last night he blamed me for something that didn’t even happen with our son. It just is hurting and I’m getting so tired of it. I am sure I am not perfect right now either and there are plenty of things I could fix but it just feels like I’m getting shit on in my own marriage all the time.
When we are not fighting I am happy but then he does this stuff.
How can I fix my marriage? I really love this man and want it to work. We haven’t had issues like this until we had our son. We actually never f until
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Its time to break up. I know its hard because of a son but its better. Things may only get worse from now on
Sounds like you need marriage counseling. Let him know your marriage is in trouble and you’re having difficulty communicating. Seeing a marriage counselor helped a great deal in my marriage after we had children. Good luck OP!
It doesn’t really sound like it’s something you need to fix. It’d be on him. Unless you’re leaving out vital info.
I mean, having a kid is stressful, not to excuse his behavior at all but if this clearly only started happening after the kid it’s possible he’s just way stressed out and doesn’t have the bandwidth to handle his own emotional wellbeing. I would say counseling is what’s best. Either as a couple or at least just him to start.
When me and my wife were buying a house a few years back we were just always stressed as can be and unfortunately we got a little short with each other. Relationships have have high and lows, I think working through the lows is worth it in cases like this.
First of all, the fact that you’re still here — still fighting for your marriage while feeling so worn down — says more about your love and strength than anything else. That matters. Love that sticks around after the storm rolls in is the kind that means something.
Twelve years is no small thing. That’s not just time — that’s a shared history, inside jokes no one else would understand, a whole lifetime of “us” built one tiny, invisible brick at a time. And now, with a baby in the picture, everything is louder, harder, messier. It’s like someone shook the snow globe, and suddenly the ground you knew by heart is blurry.
What you’re going through — it isn’t uncommon, but that doesn’t make it hurt less. When sleep is short and responsibilities are sky-high, tempers run thin. Sometimes the person we love most becomes the person we unload on. That doesn’t make it right. But it does mean you’re not crazy for wondering why the man you built a life with feels like someone else lately.
Here’s the hard truth: becoming parents changes you. Both of you. It uncovers parts of yourselves you didn’t even know were there — the good, the ugly, the scared, the stubborn. You’re not failing. You’re becoming.
But here’s what can’t become normal: being blamed for things you didn’t do. Being dismissed when you express pain. Feeling like your home is no longer your safe place. That’s not miscommunication — that’s erosion.
So how do you fix it?
Start where the heart lives — not with accusations, but with honesty. Real honesty. The kind that says, “I miss feeling like we’re on the same team.” “I need to feel heard. I need you to want to hear me.”
And maybe that means counseling. Not because you’re broken, but because you’re both exhausted and lost in the newness of life after a baby — and it’s okay to need a guide.
You love him. That’s clear. But love can’t be the whole engine. It needs respect. It needs effort. It needs both of you showing up, even when you’re tired and resentful and want to hide under the covers.
Don’t throw away 12 years over a bad chapter. But don’t let a bad chapter become the whole book, either.
You deserve a marriage where you’re not walking on eggshells. And so does your baby — to grow up in a home where love isn’t just said, but shown.
You’re not alone in this. And you’re not crazy for wanting more.
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Couples counseling?
Fighting all the time isn’t healthy. I’ll say try to communicate how you’re feeling to your husband and if it’s not getting through to him then bring up marriage counseling first. If he is totally against it then you will have to communicate to him that if there no changes then you’re leaving because being unhappy with a new baby isn’t healthy.
There’s no question your relationship needs work; however, this is only gonna get fixed if both parties want to move the relationship towards a better place…. Both parties have to want change. If you can both agree to marriage counseling, go for it. If he doesn’t want to fix it and doesn’t acknowledge the problems in your relationship, it’s probably over. Good luck.
Having a baby is stressful for both people. And only mature people should make such a decision because in these cases like your stuff like this happens and it’s not nice. Both partners should care enough for their needs and be respectful. But I know it’s hard . And easy to say when I don’t have kids myself but I think this is crucial. To realize it’s not easy and what we both can do to make it easier?
He is emotionally abusing you. Go in to counseling for yourself. See the situation clearly then move accordingly.
Couple’s counseling with urgency, meaning that your marriage won’t survive without it.
Having a new baby brings out stresses in people they didn’t even know they had, I think maybe sitting down and doing something fun together or trying to make a plan to do something without your child get a babysitter something that might give you an opportunity to reconnect in a different way and have a conversation about you know the stresses of being new parents.Maybe it’s not that simple, but it is stressful when you have a new baby.
Been married 12 years as well and three kids later I can tell you it will get better. The hard times is what makes the marriage strong, provided that you both are willing to do the work. That said, counseling is in order, but also individual therapy. Men have a tendency to harbor out feelings and then we burst. I used to be that way. It took a while but I eventually was able to open up and manage my emotions. The first step is acknowledging there is a problem. It’s not easy. Y’all got this.✊🏾✊🏾✊🏾
Are you two sleep deprived and financially stretched?
No it’s not the end of your marriage. You are both struggling to come to terms with the big change. He’s going to have to learn to be a daddy. He’s trying to figure out the new dynamic, and to be fair, so are you. It’s all overwhelming and everyone’s getting information overload and stressed and everything is now much more serious and long term and adult and old and feels like a loss at the same time as a gain, feels like a new chapter. Fear of the unknown. But you will pull through.
He’s being an idiot and so are you. It’s ok. Your hormones are everywhere you have mummy brain and he’s getting on your nerves.
First thing to do is not to lose yourself to the mess and fog of it all. This happens far too much. You need to use your support system of him, friends, and family. You can’t (and mustn’t) try to do it all. You need to have your space, space for the relationship and space for the baby. That’s all it is. But it’s like spinning plates.
He needs the same thing by the way. He’s also losing himself to it all.
If you encourage each other and support each other in taking care of your selves and each other it will make a massive difference.
The main trick seems to be to make a personal effort not to negatively react. Refuse to. If he triggers you catch yourself before producing the expected knee -jerk automatic bag reaction. It’s a toxic pantomime and builds frustration, and resentment and leads to have playing and point scoring and unhappiness. It just doesn’t ever work so why do it? Break the habit, by stopping yourself you take back control. No one can make you feel bad. Just refuse. Always be reasonable and calm. He’s not your opponent he’s the closest friend you have, your partner, he’s on your side and you are together a team. Remind him of that and always say we instead of I. You are both involved in this project and together you need to sort it out, there is no point in doing it all and then complaining he’s unhelpful, you know? I’m not saying you do that, but it’s common enough.
Always treat him with care and kindness as before, he’s looking for where he fits in in all this, you have concerns too. It’s fine to ask is opinion on everything, to think aloud, to voice concerns, to share listen to each other etc.
You can muddle through, but actually if you kinda know what’s going on and have an idea of where you both want it to be, you can blur those divisions and differences and be happier! Good luck sand congratulations!
Something is setting him off and he’s not able to express himself calmly and likely isn’t addressing the alias he but gaslighting that he’s not being that way. He need to confront his emotions and get them in check and yall need to discuss what’s triggering him.
My gut says there guilt in him from something, his own feelings or an action that he’s hiding. I could be way off but just what I’m picking up here. Updateme
We can’t have babies so I can’t comment from personal experience but I do know a lot of my mates really struggled after their wives or girlfriends gave birth. Most of them just didn’t realize the massive changes that would happen after the birth; the Mothers (rightly so) exhausted and practically dedicating all their time to the babies, disturbed sleep, no “down time” etc. Most of them said they felt left out, that their partner had no time or interest in them. Maybe it’s this for your husband? Your lives have changed drastically and it’s not just about you two anymore. I think getting a babysitter is a great suggestion so you can spend some quality time and really talk 🌹