I (70 year old male) made a terrible mistake after telling my new 67-year-old wife that her gray hairs were showing as she was leaving for a work team meeting where she is a supervisor of 9-10 other women. As my new wife slammed the house front door, she stated “We’re going to have a talk when I get home about why you think I shouldn’t have any gray hair”!
I had been married to ex-wife for 33 years, and she would get very angry whenever I did NOT tell her or warn her that her hair was turning gray. More than once after a dinner party or dinner date my ex-wife would see herself in the mirror and spot her gray roots showing and would yell at me for NOT telling her that the gray roots where showing.
I’m at a loss for what to say or do. I can’t seem to think of anything besides inventing a time machine and going back to prevent this from happening.
Does anyone have any constructive suggestions? What can I possibly do to repair my relationship with my new wife?
I think I should have simply kept my mouth shut and not comment about my new wife’s gray roots.
My ex-wife and new wife are totally different people and I need to stop assuming women are relatively similar. Each are totally different people, I am discovering.
TL;DR told my new wife her gray roots were showing
Comments
You need reddit to tell you to apologize? You should apologize and explain why it happened
I feel that rather than you figuring this out, she is the one that needs to have a good hard look why she reacted like that.
If the way you word it here is how you worded it to her you did nothing wrong. Unless she has made it ample clear she is insecure about her greying hair in the past she had no acceptable reason to snap like that for a harmless comment like that.
>My ex-wife and new wife are totally different people and I need to stop assuming women are relatively similar. Each are totally different people, I am discovering.
AT 70!! How embarassing for you.
You FU getting married again at 70. You didn’t get enough the first time?
Never comment on a woman’s appearance unless it’s a compliment or her boob is hanging out or something.
Do not under any circumstances mention how your ex liked to have that pointed out. As a woman myself trust me, she’s already pissed enough.
I’d play it light if you can, like a hey I wasn’t meaning anything by it, I know it can be hard to see the top of your own head etc. If you Wana go grey babe that’s fine! Then crack a joke or two about your own appearance.
I was raised not to mention something that can’t be fixed before the person will be seeing others. Slip is showing? You can fix that. Tell someone. Her roots? Well she can’t fix that before her meeting Now all you’ve done is make her self conscious.
Obviously you must apologize whole heartedly. You can ask her then, what kind of comments on her appearance she welcomes from you and when.
You answered your own question: “My ex-wife and new wife are totally different people and I need to stop assuming women are relatively similar.”
You just need to tell your wife this, and tell her your ex wanted you to tell her those things. From her response you now know she does. It want you to do that, so you just need to tell her you will refrain from saying something like that unless she requests to know.
A lot of people do not like going gray as it makes them feel old. However I am that weirdo that loves the idea of going gray so I can dye my hair without needing to bleach it first. Granted, my role model growing up was my grandma, and she had gorgeous dark gray hair. So maybe I am biased, but I have learned that you don’t even say, “Oh, I want gray hair, and I am jealous of you!” around any women as a guy because it is typically something they worry about. Hopefully this helps some!
Never EVER tell a woman something about their appearance that they can’t fix within the next five minutes. You do that on the couch when she has time to figure out her next steps
(EDIT:: please apologize with wine and flowers, tell her she’s the most beautiful girl you ever saw and that you’re lucky to have her)
You know what you told us here about your ex-wife? Tell your new wife that story so she understands where you’re coming from.
I’m close in age to you – this is all about communicating. With HER not Reddit.
I’m glad youre learning that women are people 🙂 I’d make amends with her and explain where you were coming from.
She jumped to a conclusion pretty quickly, maybe her reaction is stemming from an old relationship too?
Regardless, its not really about the gray roots. It’s about:
I think it’ll be okay 🙂
Imagine being referred to as NEW wife rather than just wife
Never tell anyone there is something off with their appearance unless there is something they can do about it in the moment. It’s okay to tell someone their zipper is down because they can fix it right then. She was going off to an important meeting, There was no time for her to do a damn thing about it even if she were so inclined, You torpedoed her confidence just when she needed it the most.
All women (and men) are different. YMMV. You put your foot in your mouth. Flowers, roses and maybe jewelry may be in your future. Good luck.
Yeah it’s simple, apologise and explain that you only said it because that was an expectation from your ex wife that you were unaware didn’t extend to other women… done
you do not criticize someone’s appearance when they are not in a position to do somethin about it.
On her way out the door was not the time to say anything critical of your wife’s appearance.
Just listen when she gets home. Let her get everything out. Then apologize.
Tell her the truth about why you mentioned it. Show her this post if you want. She probably saw it as a criticism, not realizing what you’d experienced in the past. If you can call her before she gets home you might have a better night.
It took you 70 years to realize that not every woman was the same? That’s wild.
RIP bro. It was nice knowing you.
Tell her the truth. Tell her it wasn’t a criticism and you aren’t delusional to thinks she shouldn’t have grey hair, just you were trained by your ex to tell her. There’s not much else you can do
You didn’t do anything wrong according to your past. You did the right thing. You do not owe an apology. Explain the situation and maybe she will apologize to you
God I’m glad I don’t date men. Keeping away from them makes me sometimes think nah, surely the shit people talk about coming out of them can’t be real but I understand venting via hyperbole. Then nope! “Discovering” at 70 women are people.
I have had this discussion with my husband. He often forgets that I am not his first wife, nor his second wife. I will tell him that he is mistaking me for one of his other wives. (We are in our late 70s, early 80s and will be married 26 years in a couple of weeks.)
You need to apologize profusely, buy her flowers and grovel. And for goodness sake, don’t comment on her appearance unless it’s a true compliment.
… You’ve gone your whole life not understanding women are individual people and not a collective??
Dude.
Better late than never, I suppose.
Explain, without mentioning the… revelation you just had… that you realize she has eyes but it was reflex as in a previous relationship it WAS an expectation… and you fucked up, that it won’t happen again.
A lot of people will do that “helpful observation” as a “hint-directive” that they are displeased and want you to change something. (IE: you want her to dye her hair, and are telling her to)
You’re 70 and just realizing women are different from eachother because they are individuals… 🤦🏻♀️
Dead internet theory both the post and the answers, this sub is cooked.
Getting angry by an objectively fact is crazy. It is not even an insult.
It took you 67 YEARS to realize all women are individuals!?!? Jesus.
You could always buy her a nice hat.
Just tell her what you did to us, that you assumed from past experience that women want to be told this
Yep
First and foremost, drop the ‘new’, she’s your wife.
If it’s something that can be easily fixed (lipstick is smudged, skirt is tucked in somewhere it shouldn’t be), tell her. If it can’t be easily fixed (roots being visible, you broke something of hers), wait until she’s not going somewhere or for a time that’s not “she’s leaving for work” to tell her. As for apologies, go to the store and get HER favorite drink, some flowers, and make dinner. Tell her “I’m sorry for what I said (this morning/yesterday, whenever you apologize, but do it sooner rather than later). This in no way excuses what I did, but as an explanation for why I said it, my ex-wife would yell at me for not telling her that her roots were showing. You are the most beautiful woman in the world, and I love you exactly as you are.”
And for God’s sake, don’t tell her it’s because your ex wife wanted to be told! Play the “I don’t know what made me say that” card and apologize with flowers.
In general, you point out things people can remedy in a few moments especially if they aren’t home or leaving home.
You ask about things like this. It is a nice touch to add a compliment.
You did not make a mistake. You acted according to your training, as dictated by your previous wife’s preferences.
Try this: “OK, let’s have the conversation. You have grey roots at this moment. I have been conditioned to point such things out, gently and in private, for the social benefit of that person. It is not a statement about whether or not it is an acceptable condition. Instead, it is intended as informative, not inflammatory. I can change my habits to suit your preferences, but it will take time to get used to it.”
The general rule is if she can fix the issue in the next 5 minutes, tell her. Otherwise be quiet until later.
Be honest about what happened.
Apologize, explain why you said it, and reaffirm that you love your wife
Yeah it’s fine. You were trained to point that out for 33 years, getting it wrong this once is perfectly understandable, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for it.
When she gets home and you have that talk, explain that, apologize, improve your behavior based on her needs.
As long as you’re 100% that it wasn’t personal preference and was genuinely an attempt to help the way you were (very unpleasantly) taught how, you should be alright, just do what you can to make sure the apology is clearly genuine.
(The other comments suggesting gifts or flowers might be onto something, but I don’t personally have experience to recommend anything specific)
Sorry, but your wife, of course, knows when her gray is growing out. You don’t need to help.
You literally just explain what you did to us, to her. You didn’t tell her about her roots because you think she should do something about it. You told her because your previous partner would get angry at you for not doing so. Obviously you should acknowledge that no two women are the same and everyone is entitled to their own preference, but assuming you’ve never had this conversation before she’ll probably understand.
Nothing wrong with wht you said! Appearances must be maintained. Its just like she wudnt like it if you stopped grooming and looked like a homeless guy!
Amazing that it took 70 years for you to figure out that all women are not the same. Now, all sarcasm aside, apologize and move on. She’ll be fine.
You have just now discovered that women are individual, unique human beings and not cookie cutter reprints of an original copy. At 70 years old.
Slow clap, I guess congratulations are in order.
Maybe this newfound knowledge will help you start the next leg of your journey by calling her your wife instead of your “new wife”
Just be honest. If shes mature she’ll go “ooohhhhh” and move on, probably outlining where her boundaries differ from what you’re used to.
You told her ON HER WAY TO WORK?
Seriously, what is wrong with you?
What was she supposed to do about it at that moment except feel old and insecure during her work day.
JFC.
In all honesty, the impressions and preferences of my ex are forever with me. I just have to acknowledge that each person is different and my new partner will probably need to be communicated with before I assume anything.
Sometimes when my partner says things now about their preferences, I acknowledge it with just ‘Noted.’
I was with my ex for 14 years. They preferred red on me. Most of my closet is red. My new partner loves blues and greens and now I gravitate toward them. But when given the option of red or blue, I will gravitate to the red out of habit.
If she was heading into a big meeting, her mind was probably miles away and what you said sounded critical rather than helpful (work mode). No one wants to be compared to an ex, so don’t use that excuse or you’ll make it worse. Just apologize and reassure her.
Like many here, I don’t think you have a lot to worry about here. You weren’t being malicious, sexist, or shallow by your comment. It was an absent-minded comment after years of habit after explicitly asked to do so by your significant other.
The other thing that I’m assuming from your story is that you made this assumption that this is something your new wife would want to know because she also dyes her hair. Otherwise, why would gray roots be showing? I’m thinking you, consciously or not, noticed that this is a woman who takes the time to get her hair done. Your quick note to her that her roots are beginning to show is just to advise her in case she hasn’t already noticed and she might want to make a hair appointment in case she doesn’t already have one scheduled. This might be several leaps in logic here, but honestly I think it’s kind of sweet that you noticed and wanted to give her a heads up. I think a quick conversation would clear up all misunderstanding. If she doesn’t want you commenting on her appearance, then you can just respectfully apologize for making her feel self conscious and agree you will never say another word about it. Easy peasy. You’re fine. I’m sorry some others here have been kinda mean to you about it. Some people need to chill.
Imagine being almost 70 and being mad about having Grey hair. Maybe it was the way you said it idk
I loled at the realization that your two spouses are in fact unique individuals
I can’t understand it! It’s like you married someone totally different.
Situation where you tell her you we’re screwed. You don’t you are screwed. I’m going to say this is something I’ve seen only women manage to take advantage of it doesn’t seem to be a male talent. I’m being complimentary by this, it’s a chess move I don’t see men make
You would think after 7 decades people would learn to communicate without the hostility.
You just explain to her what you just explained to us.
My wife gets stupid about her looks from time to time. We she does I look her in the eye and tell her I didn’t marry her for her dam looks I married her because I love her. I could care less about her gray hair or a few wrinkles. God forbid a woman goes through life accepting what she looks like.
People are different, who’d have known? Honestly just show her this post. Sounds like your ex was a piece of work.
I’m confused. This doesn’t sound like a big deal. Having a discussion re your intentions and her interpretation of meaning is normal.
Your intention- you have gray roots showing, that may be something you want to change/update
Her reaction- why do you think I shouldn’t have gray roots. you’re criticizing me
Resolution- Apologize and reassure.
So sorry if it sounded critical. I love your hair anyway that you do it.
The ASK what can I do to make up.
Then ASK if your wife wants any commentary (barring proprietary notices like your skirt is stuck in your pantyhose, or you have spinach in your teeth).
Good luck.
How are you 70 and you don’t know to just say “my ex trained me to always tell her. I won’t bring it up again”
Flowers and a sincere apology when she gets home.
How long did you date before marrying?
How long did you co-habitate?
I get you’re from an older generation, but generally, things like this I would expect to be learned about each-other prior to marriage.
‘realizing women are individual people’ Boyyy you didnt care who you married did ya, you just didn’t wanna die alone
You corrected something she can’t fix quickly as she was leaving? You toxic manipulative thing…. «My exwife liked this, but my current wife doesent. I can’t ever say the right thing»
Again; toxic and manipulative!
You KNOW two women are actually two different people. When you get to know a woman, it does NOT mean you know all women.
Picking at your partners appearance is a toxic trait. Doing it as they are walking out of the house is insane.
You are a grown man. When are you going to mature?
What was she going to do about it before her meeting? Have her stylist drive across the city at breakneck speed and dye her roots during a meeting? Wear a silly hat??? Even if she did care about her roots showing, the timing was absolutely ridiculous
It’s a trap!
Take your beating like a man and move on.
In two months you’ll get an earful for not telling her.
“I realize that I messed up in assuming that you would be upset if I didn’t say something. You are not my ex-wife, and I am ready to unlearn old habits and build this new life with you, but I need grace and patience as I work through this. I have no problem with your hair being any color, long, short, or bald. I love you, not your hair. I’m sorry that my words hurt you, it was never my intention to imply that your gray hairs are a problem for me.”
“You’re right, I’m wrong, I’m sorry” is usually a good start.
Glad to see we never learn how to stop putting ourselves in the doghouse.
No two women are the same. Now you know.
The fuck up was telling her before she was going somewhere important. If this had been after dinner or on a weekend with nothing pressing, you may have gotten a different reaction. Also, make sure you’re posing things as a question. Are you aware? Did you see? These are less undermining than, hey, look at that! Buy her some flowers , card, wine, whatever shes into and apologize and let her know you realize the timing and wording of what you said this morning was bad and you will do your best to do better.
Your ex was wrong to scold you for not telling her that the grey was showing. It’s her job to look in the mirror.
Listen to your new wife and apologize.
What in the writing prompt is this? If you’re 70 and having these fights, what are you doing?
Be honest, something like “I’m sorry I upset you, I really didn’t mean to. It was very important to my last wife that I did mention when her gray started showing, because she would get really upset if she found out after seeing other people. It was an automatic response/ I didn’t realise I shouldn’t do that anymore (maybe even you were possibly scared of the angry reaction if your last relationship was abusive?). Now that I know that it’s upsetting to you, I of course won’t ever do it again. Sorry”
Then you could do something nice to if you want like make some nice dinner for when she gets back from the meeting or tell her you’d love her with grey hair (since she made the comment of why you don’t want h to have grey hair). Just be honest like you were to us and I’m sure she’ll understand
I gotta ask-are you just now discovering that they’re different people, or did you know that before you married your second wife?
You sit down and discuss what she wants to know and what not to say..
Seriously
From your edit, I realized your learnings were to modify your behavior to your new wife.
Which is completely MISSED from the actual learning from the situation!
Your learning should be, “don’t comment on something that can’t be fixed in 5 minutes.”
Your wife will appreciate your telling her about her grays, so don’t stop fucking doing it. I’ve run into the situation with my SO as well, where a strongly situational reaction is taken as a forever thing. Then years down the line, I have to learn that we don’t do X anymore due to me not wanting X one random day a long time ago. Not their fault, just peeving…
Why would you say that to anybody when they’re on their way to a meeting and can’t do anything about it? So they can feel bad all day?
“I’m sorry that I made an unsolicited comment about your hair this morning. I didn’t mean it as a criticism- I thought it would be helpful because in the past I’ve had partners request that I tell them if I noticed visible roots, but I realize that it definitely wasn’t helpful in this case and that it probably made the start of your day more stressful. I won’t do it again and I hope you know I love you exactly as you are.”
My guy, talk to her about why you mentioned it and just say “I’m very sorry for mentioning the gray hairs my ex wife would get mad at me for not mentioning it, if there is anything else you don’t want me to mention to you please inform me.”
Yikes! I am 69 and still with my starter wife! I cannot imagine saying anything that foolish!
Seppuku is the only answer!
Quick, dye your hair gray?
Just apologize and explain your experience.
70 years of interacting with women and just now you’re considering they’re individuals? Now I understand how Joe Rogan has an audience
Crazy college night! That yogurt moment sparked it all. Beer cheers!
When commenting another person appearence I follow the five seconds rule: you should only comment on someone’s appearance if they can change it in five seconds or less.
In most cases if you can’t follow this rule your comment is going to be rude.
Also women are person, they aren’t made out of cookie cutters.
You sit down with her and tell her that you’re sorry for hurting her feelings. You tell her that you meant nothing bad and that this was expected of you in the past. Ask her if this is something that she would be comfortable or interested in discussing in the future. She’s 67 so the greens there. It’s hard to avoid. A married couple needs to be able to talk to each other. It sounds like you hit a raw nerve here.