My partner and I married later in life, and now, in our 40s, we’re trying to conceive. We’re currently considering IVF. Financially, we’re doing fine and live comfortably on our earnings, but IVF is undeniably expensive. My husband suggested that we might need to ask his mother for financial help to support our IVF journey. My immediate response was an absolute NO.
He feels that I should set aside the issues between me and his mother for the sake of giving ourselves the best chance at having a child. He thinks I’m being too prideful by refusing help.
Here’s some context: My MIL has been difficult from the start. She’s treated me like a rival for her son’s love and attention. I didn’t even have the wedding I wanted because I knew she’d make it about her. She still financially supports my husband’s siblings with big purchases—cars, houses—you name it. But it’s always with strings attached. Money is her tool for control.
I’ve worked hard to establish boundaries with her and have maintained low contact. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t care about my feelings or opinions—she only cares about what’s best for her son. And while that may be “fair” in her mind, I neither trust nor like her.
My gut tells me that accepting her money will come at a cost—emotional, psychological, and possibly even parental. I fear she’ll see it as buying access to our IVF journey and future child. I can already imagine her insisting on updates, knowing the details of every success or failure, the due date, the gender—things that should be private between my partner and me. Based on everything I’ve read in this sub, I suspect she’ll be even more controlling once the baby is here.
So, here’s my dilemma:
Am I wrong to refuse financial help, knowing it might limit the number of IVF cycles we can afford, and possibly reduce our chances of becoming parents? Or am I right to draw a firm boundary now—to protect my future nuclear family from interference and control?
Comments
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I’d refuse. As you stated, you KNOW there will be strings attached.
I would nope out of that. IMO, if she is financially involved she’ll be all kinds of other ways involved. Not her business.
I feel like she’d have big expectations to be more involved. And because she paid for it she’s going to feel like the baby is hers too. I think you should find another way to afford IVF.
I’m gonna go against the grain here and say take her money. If she’s offering it and not immediately putting strings on it, take it. Do everything you can to have the child that you want. Guess what? She may think it entitled her to something, but it doesn’t. Absent a signed contract, she gets zero say in anything.
You’re still the parents. You still set the boundaries. And you set consequences when she breaks those boundaries. Will she try to guilt trip and manipulate? Absolutely. Will it work? Not as long as you and your husband are a united front, and he has your back.
Take her money. It buys her nothing.
If she’s known to control her kids with financial purchases, she’ll very likely try to control your pregnancy/kids. You have a difference of opinion over feeding/religion/discipline/how much access she gets, ect, and she’ll likely pull the ‘well, you wouldn’t have kids if it weren’t for me!’ Personally I couldn’t let someone else have that kind of control and leverage over my kids.
If you take the ,only, and do give birth, MIL will consider the baby hers. Don’t do it!!!
My feelings would be if you take the money, she needs to sign a contract stating it gives her no authority over the child, and she will only have grandma duties as you see fit. Unfortunately, I see her being overbearing and stomping boundaries because “she paid” for your child.
Hard no. You know she’s only a problem because your husband allows it. Has he set strong boundaries/consequences if she oversteps?
Do not accept a dime from that woman
Don’t do it. Imagine the future; oh, you can’t set boundaries for me!!! You wouldn’t even be a parent if I hadn’t helped!!! Fuck that noise.
She’ll think and act like she hired you to give birth to her baby. And it sounds like your husband will let her.
Yikes! You already know the answer