I’ll try and keep this short. I’ve been NC with MIL and FIL since shit hit the fan on Christmas Eve because I stood up for myself to them for the first time…and they’re not used to people calling them out on their shit.
I’ve been NC because they refuse to see how awful their treatment has been towards me and love to play the victim. They refuse to apologize and don’t think they’ve done anything wrong…while also telling DH that I’m not good enough for him and I’ll never be considered apart of the family because I’m an only child (they’re a big family and think there’s “something wrong” with people who don’t have siblings).
DH has tried to set boundaries with them many times only for them to keep breaking them. I didn’t wish MIL a happy birthday or happy Mother’s Day this year because she kept breaking boundaries, so I didn’t expect anything from her when it came to my birthday – and honestly, didn’t want anything from her because she loves making other people’s birthdays all about herself.
Today’s my birthday. I came home from work and saw flowers on our doorstep with a note “happy birthday! Hope you have a great day” with MIL and FIL’s names.
I feel so icky and honestly don’t know what to do. I feel like an asshole for ignoring it or not saying thank you…but at the same time, I’ve let these people ignore, belittle, and disrespect me up until Christmas Eve when I said ENOUGH.
They keep telling DH that they want to “make things better with me” but refuse to acknowledge my existence, invite me to things, or include me in the family group chats.
I know these flowers are bait or their way of trying to make themselves look like the “bigger person” to DH- but I know they’ll hold it against me and create more drama if I don’t acknowledge or thank them.
Has anyone been through something like this before? It’s the first time they’ve tried to make contact with me in 6 months and I’m genuinely torn on how to handle this.
I appreciate all your advice and support! 🤗
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I have a lot of experience with this. We.have been no contact a long time. They pop up every now and then and often they acknowledge my birthday and ignore DH on his. Always the same, acting if nothing ever happened. Read about hoovering. It will help you understand the game. You ignore it. Donate the flowers to a nursing home or somewhere they will be enjoyed. They haven’t apologized, nothing has changed and they want to get you to break no contact. They play this game to see if it will work. They want you to feel guilty after they love bomb you. They also are likely using it to tell others they are the bigger person. It sucks, but responding is the worst thing you could do.
No contact means no contact. Don’t say anything to them. If you want to appear gracious to you partner and his family. Make a Facebook post with a picture of the flowers saying what a nice surprise it was to receive them. You don’t even need to say thank you in the post. Just what a nice surprise it was. Passive aggressive? Maybe but no one can say you didn’t acknowledge it
I’ve been NC with MIL for almost a year. She is doing performative things like this, too. I asked DH not to accept gifts for me and he was too afraid of upsetting MIL to reject gifts for me. Mother’s Day I made dang sure he didn’t accept a gift for me. He asked, even a card? I said yes, why would I want contact from her?
He knew she had a card when he clarified. She threw a fit when he rejected it and sent HIM a photo of the message. “Being a mother is so special. Hope husband made today special for you. Give LO a kiss from me”
… like ma’am, I want nothing to do with you. Leave me alone.
I got in a huge fight with DH because he said I drew a line too hard for her (too strong of boundaries), and I put him in a hard spot because it ruined his visit with his mom (I made it clear I want nothing to do with her and why. She’s the one pushing DH to be the middle man). He yelled at me, his pregnant wife and mother of his toddler, because I asked him to hold one boundary.
We started couples counseling today. The counselor was SHOCKED by the way MIL treats us, told DH his mom sounds emotionally abusive, etc. Validating everything I’ve said for years. I tried handling this myself and have done research and work on myself, but my husband can’t hear me. He thinks it’s me vs his mom and mot his mom abusing him /us and me standing up for myself and my kids. I feel validated but so annoyed.