When I (18, female) was 13 or 14, I was in the kitchen after a church event, getting drinks for my friends who were waiting outside. Max followed me, offering his help unsolicited. He began chatting with me and gradually moved closer until he was pressed right against me, his hand landing on my bottom. I froze completely—I, as a 13-year-old girl, had no idea what was happening. After a few minutes, I ran outside and hurried home. I was too afraid to tell my parents for a long time because my father is a pastor and Max is part of our church.
Years passed without anyone being aware of what had occurred. Meanwhile, Max kept acting strangely and always tried to engage with me. At some point, the entire event turned into a blank in my memory—I knew something terrible had happened, but the specifics had completely faded away. Then one day, while my parents were speaking very positively about Max, I became extremely angry and blurted out everything he had done over the years—even though I admitted that I couldn’t remember every detail. My parents dismissed my account as vague and didn’t really believe me. Whenever I made a negative remark or joked about Max, my father would give me a stern look and disapprove; after I shared my story, he even called him “a fine young man.”
I felt trapped—I couldn’t go to anyone with my story, and Max kept stalking me, continually showing up. A year later, I found my old diary and read about that evening in detail. I told my friend, and that’s when I realized just how deeply this situation had affected me. I had never been able to process it properly because what happened was never accepted by my parents. On my friend’s advice, I spoke to my parents again. This time I told them the complete story, including how my recollection of that night was nothing more than one big, empty gap. My father’s reaction was not what I expected. He said that Max—was a fine young man and not a degenerate. Although he acknowledged that something had happened, he defended Max by saying, “Max is an autistic boy who couldn’t help himself,” as if boys like him were not really at fault. Now, whenever I make a negative remark or joke about Max, my father tells me that it deeply hurts him. He did however think that max behavior is really bad and doesn’t let me alone with max. He always checks this. But he still never really acnoliges that max is a bad person for doing that.
Does anyone have any advice about what I can do? How should I handel max?
Edit: Max has had many personal conversations with my father—thanks to my father being a pastor, they have developed a close bond. I also don’t want to bring his mother into this since it all happened so long ago.
Important edit to ad!
My dad has been a really good dad in literally every aspect of my life up to this incident. That’s why it really surprised me to get this reaction. Also I have never gotten a clue that my dad is wierd around girls/ over woman. He has come across cases of women who were unsafe because of man and this hit him really hard. Only in the case of max he behaved this way. I think because max has a problematic past of adoption and the fact that everyone doesn’t like him, because he has a wierd vibe. That’s why he is bullied a lot and more stuff that they talked about a lot together.
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Backup of the post’s body: When I (18, female) was 13 or 14, I was in the kitchen after a church event, getting drinks for my friends who were waiting outside. Max followed me, offering his help unsolicited. He began chatting with me and gradually moved closer until he was pressed right against me, his hand landing on my bottom. I froze completely—I, as a 13-year-old girl, had no idea what was happening. After a few minutes, I ran outside and hurried home. I was too afraid to tell my parents for a long time because my father is a pastor and Max is part of our church.
Years passed without anyone being aware of what had occurred. Meanwhile, Max kept acting strangely and always tried to engage with me. At some point, the entire event turned into a blank in my memory—I knew something terrible had happened, but the specifics had completely faded away. Then one day, while my parents were speaking very positively about Max, I became extremely angry and blurted out everything he had done over the years—even though I admitted that I couldn’t remember every detail. My parents dismissed my account as vague and didn’t really believe me. Whenever I made a negative remark or joked about Max, my father would give me a stern look and disapprove; after I shared my story, he even called him “a fine young man.”
I felt trapped—I couldn’t go to anyone with my story, and Max kept stalking me, continually showing up. A year later, I found my old diary and read about that evening in detail. I told my friend, and that’s when I realized just how deeply this situation had affected me. I had never been able to process it properly because what happened was never accepted by my parents. On my friend’s advice, I spoke to my parents again. This time I told them the complete story, including how my recollection of that night was nothing more than one big, empty gap. My father’s reaction was not what I expected. He said that Matthias—Max—was a fine young man and not a degenerate. Although he acknowledged that something had happened, he defended Max by saying, “Max is an autistic boy who couldn’t help himself,” as if boys like him were not really at fault. Now, whenever I make a negative remark or joke about Max, my father tells me that it deeply hurts him.
Does anyone have any advice about what I can do?
Edit: Max has had many personal conversations with my father—thanks to my father being a pastor, they have developed a close bond. I also don’t want to bring his mother into this since it all happened so long ago.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Just another way religion is a cop-out for accountability. That your father would take his side and dismiss your concerns is sad. Your dad is a close-minded, cult member.
You’re dad is shit
>Max is an autistic boy
He has autism?
What do mean by his hand “landed” on your bottom? Did he grab you? Did he brush against you?
How old was he?
Your dads probably assaulted girls in the past; his wife your mom knows and makes excuses for him. I feel that’s why you’re not getting the support you deserve. You should tell a teacher or friend’s mom. Talk to someone you know even call the cops if you have to fuck how anyone feels about it.
You’re an adult now and your other option is to get a job. Keep your bank account with only your name on it and start making a plan to move out. You’re going to keep being put in dangerous situations if you keep going to church with your parents please make a plan to stay away from this creep.
Yeah, that sucks your dad‘s a piece of shit.
Your father is trash.
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Max is a predator, regardless of whatever diagnoses he has; in addition to sexually assaulting you, he has also (repeatedly) stalked you & violated your personal space & sense of comfort/safety. Your father’s insistence that he’s a ‘Fine young man’, despite knowing that Max harmed you, is a massive violation of your status as his daughter, it’s a betrayal of your trust in him as your adult guardian/protector, & it’s religious abuse for him to place more value & emphasis on his position as a pastor ahead of his position as your father/protector. I would refuse to attend church with my abuser. I would also remind my father that a child is the ultimate gift, to be cherished & protected (which is the most noble & highest charge granted to us, as humans) & as his child his first responsibility is to you; not his adult congregants, or their children. My father was a cop, raised by a minister & school teacher, & they’re all raging narcissists who routinely treat complete strangers better than their own children. Religious abuse is placing more value on the perception & image of piety than on actual care/concern for others, & twisting religious doctrine/messaging to serve your own agenda (regardless of the harm caused) than on being true to the intent of the word. You don’t deserve to be dismissed, & I’m sorry you’ve been confronted with such a disgusting attitude on the part of your own father/family.
Your father cares more for the reputation of a “good church boy” than he does about the safety of his own daughter. His religion teaches this, he will never feel any other way.
Max is probably doing all the same kinds of stuff to girls in the church, because he knows your father and every other adult in the church will protect him.
Max should have been reprimanded back then. What punishment would you have for him? Get therapy.
I hope you’re able to leave your house soon and for good.
A PDF will always protect abusers.
“Dad, it deeply hurts ME that you would defend someone who touched your daughter inappropriately over your own child. You are supposed to protect me but by constantly defending him, you are no protector! You have failed me and deeply hurt my relationship with my own faith because I keep wondering why God would allow you to turn your back on me. Please seek prayer and guidance because I don’t think it is the Holy Father who is guiding you right now since you look so much like the enemy to me in the this.”
I hate how people always find a way to protect abusers
Your father failed you as a father just bc he doesn’t want to believe that a boy he bonded with could be a predator.
Also, your father is an AH for using autism as an excuse for Max’s behavior. Autism is not an excuse for someone being a shitty person.
Reply to your Dad that it deeply hurts you that he of all people dismisses you and is in favor of this sexual assault on his own daughter
Being Autistic does mean the kid didn’t know better.
He still knows right from wrong. Your father n needs counciling on putting his daughter first over a kid sensually harassing his daughter.
If max touches you again it’s time to defend yourself very loudly, and very aggressively.
Your father’s a bad man and he should’ve protected you. I’m very sorry that that happened.
Pastor with a strong bond with a troubled boy? A lot of us here have lived that one. Not saying Max is excusable, but I’d keep a close eye on dad too.
I’m sorry for your trauma, I hope you don’t let it break you.
Please, stay strong.
There’s a writer named Robert Jones, Jr. and he has an essay that I can’t remember the name of, but the thesis is that rape apologists are just rapists we don’t know about yet. When they hear stories of sexual abuse, they immediately identify with the abuser. They always imagine that he’s a good guy. They assume he didn’t mean harm. That he’s misunderstood. And they do this because they are describing themselves. They do this because they’ve been the abuser or because they can imagine themselves behaving just like the abuser. They are excusing their own behavior as much as the actual accused.
OP I’m so sorry.
I don’t know who would be safe to talk to, but here is a way to find out.
Photocopy every page of your diary and have it witnessed (maybe by a librarian), then put the paper copies, digital copies and the original in different safe places. If you don’t have safe places, work on that first.
Get a good therapist, try different ones until you find one.
Read research and publications dealing with in sexual assault in the church. If possible focus on writing about your specific branch of the religion.
Optional, if safe) Write your own piece about sexual assault. Don’t mention your own experiences. Just do research. Interview other pastors and some of the writers about the issue and their opinions. Do research with law enforcement, lawyers, understand manticore reporting legislation etc. This should give you insight into who is safe and who is not
Find a pastor you think might be sympathetic. Tell them you need someone to talk to as you can’t speak to your father about some things. Talk about other issues until you’re sure they can be trusted.
Once you have info and proper support, consider making a police report and have him charged. Your diary is excellent evidence of assault.
I truly hope you forward this post to your father. He’s disgusting. And a lot of religious leaders and their wives do the same shit.
What happened to you, traumatized you. And your father’s full of crap if he thinks any of us are believing that because someone is autistic, they don’t know when they’re pushing boundaries. Especially because Max continued to stalk you. He completely knew what he was doing.
Your father’s discomfort with dealing with this is exactly why the Catholic church has the problem it has today. Maybe pointed out to him. Sexual assault is never the victims fault. Whether the victim is male or female, it doesn’t matter.
The fault always lies with the perpetrator. And you need to tell your dad that he is dead to you, because frankly that’s what you’re struggling with. You are disgusted by your father at this point. You’re hurt. You’re betrayed. You’re rightfully feeling all of these things. And I’m not letting your mom off the hook. She’s just as bad.
Sweeping sexual assault under the rug is why it keeps happening. Men like your father who are of influence and and excusing it is exactly why it continues. It is why homicide continues to be a thing. It is why women continue to not say anything… When even their own families don’t believe them.
Much less somebody like your father, who is supposed to be the arbiter of right and wrong period of morality. And when he’s doing something this immoral, as far as I’m concerned, he should rot in hell for the rest of his life.
What kind of father would not be pissed off at Max that is awful that they didn’t do something about this? I am so sorry
Unfortunately and I say this as a Christian myself, the patriarchy is alive and well in the church. Girls and women are always considered responsible for boys and men refusal to take accountability for their own sexual urges. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. As an autistic person myself who has raised autistic sons I can tell you he doesn’t do this because he’s autistic. He does it because people make excuses for him just like your father has and he never has to be held responsible for his own heinous actions. Your father is doing him nor you and favors. Your dad does not want to deal with someone he loves being victimized by someone else he loves. He’s being a coward. You have a right to your feelings do not be shamed out of them.
Autism is NOT an excuse unless he is nonverbal and low low low functioning.
Wow! Your dad is awful for not empathizing with you or validating your feelings about Max. He completely failed you.
I don’t care if this boy is autistic. He understands what he did was wrong. He did it when you were alone, right? He wouldn’t do that if your dad or other people were around to witness it. If that’s correct, then he understands.
Your dad has NO business being a pastor if he cannot handle his own daughter’s discussion with him about being sexual harassed by a boy. He defends the boy! It’s really downright disgusting and disappointing. I know I’m repeating myself but he totally failed you!
You need to tell him that it hurts YOU deeply when he continues to defend this boy. It happened to YOU. Why on earth would it hurt your father? Why is your dad so invested in defending Max’s actions? It makes me wonder how he can empathize with Max so much. You know what I mean? It’s completely weird.
I’m sorry, OP. You deserve much better. I hope your mother supports you and is able to really hear what you are telling them.
Your dad values your experience less than this kid’s, who is unrelated, and who he already knows has serious issues.
I had to go through a similar reckoning with my awesome dad.
I’m sorry. It’s fucked up, it has everything to do with our gender.
So sorry this happened darling, it’s not your fault and your dad is a shit.
I can imagine max making friends with your dad was no coincidence either. I hope you can get away from there as soon as is safe for you to do so. Save your money, get therapy and get revenge by having an amazing happy life.
Stay away from Max. Not knowing how far along the autism spectrum he is, I can feel sorry for him too. Because of his autism and “vibe”, he gets bullied. He must be miserable!
I’m not condoning his behavior toward you, but you can have Christian empathy and forgiveness in your heart, as Jesus taught. That is, if you are a sincere Christian. Your father may be over-protective of him. In your case, he is wrong to dismiss your situation. I hope you can find a measure of peace!
As the mother of an autistic son, your father is full of shit. Autistic people know right from wrong, and if they don’t, they need to learn and they still need consequences. He is not doing you or this young man any favors by brushing what he did and is currently doing under the rug. In fact, he is just confirming the long tradition of faith leaders being terrible people and being/defending predators.
“This church doesn’t support me, so I don’t support it.”
Start there.
And they wonder why people leave the church in droves; it’s not there to protect them.
I was your age when my parents had members of their running club over one eveining. One of the high school boys kept following me around and then tried touching/grabbing at me when others weren’t around. I hurridly went outside in the backyard, picked up my little brother’s bullwhip and turned around and snapped it at the guy as he was coming up near me again.
It must have hurt pretty bad, as he high-tailed it around to the front yard and stayed with his parents the rest of the evening.
I did tell my parents the next day and they told me the boy was in special ed and didn’t know better. Hmm. But they did make sure I didn’t have to be around him again. I’m sorry your dad reacted in that manner.
Sounds like Max.has taken particular care to groom your father in the event you ever spoke up. Seems he was successful 😞
With how your parents act, I recommend a forum on here called Raisedbynarcissists. You’ll find a lot of support from people in similar situations
I am sorry that your dad hasn’t dealt openly and compassionately with what Max did to you. His being a pastor, and having counseled Max has interfered with his reaching out and comforting you.
Still, his making sure you are never alone with Max indicates that he believes you and wants to keep you safe. This isn’t enough, because you need to hear him acknowledge what happened to you, but this shows that he gets it. It’s not enough, but I hope it gives you at least a little comfort.
I hope one day soon you can find a therapist who can hear you and help you process this.
Ditch your parents as soon as you can. They chose him over you.
I thought men were supposed to protect women and girls? Isn’t that their primary purpose? /s
I’m about to get downvoted into oblivion.
He grabbed your ass, once, unsolicited.
Going so far as to say he is a bad person is a little far.
I’ve had my dick grabbed unsolicited, my ass grabbed unsolicited. They aren’t bad people because they did that to me.
This is like when my sister talks about how she was sexually assaulted because a 9 year old tried tongue kissing her when she was 5 so she has experience with rape.
I think you need some help. Therapy.
Tell your dad it hurts you deeply that he doesn’t believe you and defends Max, who is a stalker and has assaulted you – enabled by his misplaced trust in this disturbed degenerate youth. He needs to choose you.
May I ask what did Max do other than touch your ass?
Also your father is a asshole
You should go to the police and file a report against him for the SA and stalking. Tell the police you’ve told your parents and they won’t do anything.
Even god is shaking his head at your dad.
I’m getting really tired of people trying to vilify autistic folks.
His autism has nothing to do with this.
your parents, especially your father, are garbage. I am sorry, but it is true. Therapy would help. Move out asap if you haven’t already.
How old was Max when he grabbed you?
I’m a lawyer, I’ve seen thousands of such accusations been thrown out of court. Why? Is there real evidence of this assault? Why didn’t you report it as of when it happened? How do we know you are lying or telling the truth?