Hi Reddit, I (31F) have been dating my boyfriend (29M) for about a year. Early on in our relationship, he asked how I would feel about him staying in touch with one of his exes. I was honest and said I wasn’t comfortable with it — especially because he had cheated on a past partner with this particular ex. I told him that if he chose to keep that connection, I wasn’t sure I could stay in the relationship. He said he understood and agreed to stop contact.
Fast forward to December. I picked him up from his work holiday party (he’d been drinking), and I saw him texting her. He said it was her birthday, which I later found out was true — but it still bothered me that he hadn’t been upfront, especially since she hadn’t acknowledged his birthday three weeks earlier. I reiterated that this contact made me uncomfortable and reminded him what we’d agreed to.
Now, just this past week (May), he said something that made me suspicious. While he was in the bathroom, I looked at his phone (I know, not great), and saw that he was still texting her. When he came back, I asked him directly if he was still in touch with her. He said no. I asked to see his phone — and the messages were suddenly gone. I told him I’d already seen them. He admitted to deleting them and said he only did so because he knew I’d be upset.
He insists that they’re “just friends” and that he doesn’t even know why he kept texting her, but I feel betrayed. I worked hard to rebuild trust after being cheated on in the past, and now I feel like that trust has been shattered again.
He says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, that he wants to stop talking to her, and that he’s going to go to therapy. But part of me wonders if I’m being controlling or unreasonable for drawing this boundary. I never said he couldn’t talk to her — just that I couldn’t be in a relationship where that was happening. He agreed, and then he broke that agreement behind my back.
So… AITA for not wanting him to talk to his ex and feeling like this might be a dealbreaker?
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Backup of the post’s body: Hi Reddit, I (31F) have been dating my boyfriend (29M) for about a year. Early on in our relationship, he asked how I would feel about him staying in touch with one of his exes. I was honest and said I wasn’t comfortable with it — especially because he had cheated on a past partner with this particular ex. I told him that if he chose to keep that connection, I wasn’t sure I could stay in the relationship. He said he understood and agreed to stop contact.
Fast forward to December. I picked him up from his work holiday party (he’d been drinking), and I saw him texting her. He said it was her birthday, which I later found out was true — but it still bothered me that he hadn’t been upfront, especially since she hadn’t acknowledged his birthday three weeks earlier. I reiterated that this contact made me uncomfortable and reminded him what we’d agreed to.
Now, just this past week (May), he said something that made me suspicious. While he was in the bathroom, I looked at his phone (I know, not great), and saw that he was still texting her. When he came back, I asked him directly if he was still in touch with her. He said no. I asked to see his phone — and the messages were suddenly gone. I told him I’d already seen them. He admitted to deleting them and said he only did so because he knew I’d be upset.
He insists that they’re “just friends” and that he doesn’t even know why he kept texting her, but I feel betrayed. I worked hard to rebuild trust after being cheated on in the past, and now I feel like that trust has been shattered again.
He says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, that he wants to stop talking to her, and that he’s going to go to therapy. But part of me wonders if I’m being controlling or unreasonable for drawing this boundary. I never said he couldn’t talk to her — just that I couldn’t be in a relationship where that was happening. He agreed, and then he broke that agreement behind my back.
So… AITA for not wanting him to talk to his ex and feeling like this might be a dealbreaker?
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It’s not so much about texting her, it’s the being sneaky attitude that makes his untrustworthy especially if he has a history of cheating with an ex. I would cut your loss before you get yourself more entangled.
So he cheated on someone already with this particular ex?? And you knew this?? And you continued dating him, and are now shocked that he still hasn’t severed that relationship with his ex??
Girl pls, you know what to do. Especially with him deleting messages and lying. Red flag, red quilt, red pillow, red carpet.
NTA. Dump him. He wants to get back with her. If at some point she wants him he will dump you in a flash. Get rid of this cheater now. Don’t bother trying to get him to change you had your red line. He crossed it repeatedly. You are a place holder. You deserve someone who you can trust.
He has shown himself to be a liar and untrustworthy. He has shown by past behaviour that he is willing to cheat with this person.
He has tried to twist it so you feel bad for having boundaries.
For me, I could not move forward with someone that I did not trust.
Honestly, you aren’t the asshole for having that boundary and being upfront about it. He made the choice to agree and continue seeing you. Then he repeatedly made the choice to reach out to her multiple times, intentionally kept it from you, and deleted their communications to try to hide it. He’s cheated with this ex before, so him saying he doesn’t know why he keeps doing it is absurd. There’s no way I could personally trust him after that, I’d always have that in the back of my mind.
Fuck that shit. NTA.
You’re absolutely not the asshole. You clearly communicated your boundaries from the beginning, and he chose to disregard them. What makes it worse is that he didn’t just cross the line—he went behind your back to text her and then deleted the messages. That’s not just a lapse in judgment; it’s a conscious decision to deceive.
The fact that he hid it shows he knew it was wrong and that it would hurt you. You gave him the benefit of the doubt the first time, which was generous, but this behavior shows a pattern. Honestly, it seems like he’s more focused on hiding it better next time than actually respecting your feelings.
Make it clear that you’re serious. If he can’t respect your boundaries or prioritize your trust and emotional well-being, then you have every right to walk away. Your peace, trust, and sanity should never be up for negotiation.
You are trying to make it work, even though every sign tells you he’s going to cheat on you with this ex.
He will. Just a matter of time. The question is, do you want to keep him around, knowing this, and guaranteed get hurt, or do you want to listen to your gut that is screaming at you to run.
The second he deleted messages and lied to you should be the dead giveaway. You have been hurt in the past, let those experiences make you stronger and boot his lying cheating ass to the curb.
How have these questions gotten dumber by the day? Are these AI generated? Or do people not have any self-respect?
This is a subreddit for questions where there can be hot takes, not obvious ones
Words only have meaning when actions back them up. His actions are calling him a liar, and tbh yours are too cause you made a boundary, and now you are letting him dance across it. YNTAH, but please, have some self-respect, recognize the flags now, when a person shows who they are, believe them.
I’d cut my losses now before you end up tied to him (kids, marriage, home). He lied to you knowing you were not comfortable with this ex. He is disrespecting you.
Cut him loose, he’s not worth it and you deserve better.
So look, it really doesn’t matter if he’s cheating YET or not, you already know what he’s capable of with this ex. You put the boundary in place, he trampled all over it. It’s not a boundary if you don’t hold up your end and follow through with the consequences.
I’ve been cheated on in a past relationship as well, it damaged my self esteem for a very long time. And if I found myself in your shoes in this situation I would choose to walk away in order to protect myself. NTA
If you have even a shred of an ounce of respect for yourself, you’ll break up with him ASAP if this post is accurate.
No, NTA to him, but YTA to yourself.
And while you’re at it, tell the dumbass that he will never, ever have a lasting relationship if he doesn’t cut her off 100%, or marry her.
You’re better off without a moron with his foot halfway out the door for someone else perpetually
Nta, personally I would of ended the relationship.
What value does he get by having her in his life?
He agreed to your boundary and then he crossed the boundary. You’re the only one who actually makes the “boundary” mean anything. As long as you keep forgiving him, he’ll keep doing it. He hasn’t only cheated in the past, but literally with the same person he is being sneaky with again. He’ll probably get better at hiding it from you, but I feel like its just a matter of time until you find out they’re still in contact
Nta. But how many chances are you going to give him? At some point, you’ll have to ask yourself why do you bother confronting when you’re just going to cave
He obviously is not over het. So you want to be second? He talks a big game, but his actions show that he would rather reach out to her and risk your relationship. I think you can find better.
Leave him, he’s lying to you.
Not the asshole. If anything, you sound like you’ve got clearer boundaries than half of Reddit has clean laundry. You didn’t say “don’t you dare ever speak to her,” you said “do you, but I can’t be in this if that’s happening.” He agreed…and then went full sneaky mode anyway.
If trust was supposed to be part of the buy-one-get-one-free starter pack, he handed you a coupon for disappointment instead. Repeating “she’s just a friend” doesn’t magically erase the fact he lied, deleted, and basically treated your boundary like the Terms & Conditions page, scroll and ignore, then hope nothing bad happens.
Throwing out the “I’ll go to therapy” is cringe. Why would he need therapy to not talk to an ex he cheated with? That was a total manipulation tactic. I am a firm believer in therapy, it is a wonderful thing, but in this case, it’s a control and manipulation tactic.
How many times does he need to stomp your boundaries, disrespect your relationship, lie to you, before you open your eyes to the truth of who he is?
YWBTAH if you stay.
He has to go to therapy to stop talking to her? That is admitting he has a problem. What was it about the texts he deleted that he thought would upset you? I am all for looking at those texts when your husband is sleeping. If you know he’s being dishonest and sneaky, you won’t find out the truth by asking for the phone. Once you tell them what you’ve seen, you won’t see anymore. You need to recover deleted texts, photos, emails… You will never know the truth if he knows you’re looking. I would respect privacy until that person violated trust.
When you read his texts between then were they livery dicey or just plain old texts between friends?
Setting boundaries means that if something happens that you don’t like you make the choice to act on your own behalf you cannot change other people’s actions
When I read these “I am still friends with my ex” posts. I’m always on the side of. It’s OK for you to be friends with your exes. However this is not one of those cases. I am friends with a lot of my exes to varying degrees. The idea that he doesn’t know why he still texts her is obvious he likes the attention of two women because of the amount of validation he gets from it. The issue is that he can’t see. Is that one day if you have a fight or something goes wrong he’s going to run to her for validation and it and he won’t stop it if it becomes because he still getting validation.. So no, you’re not the asshole
You will only be an asshole to yourself if you don’t stand by your words.
He lied, and he intentionally hid it, knowing it would hurt you. He knew, and he chose to hurt you anyway.
If you forgive him, he will lose respect for you, and after about 3 months of no contact, he’ll reach out to her again, just to make sure she’s doing OK.
Is this what you want for your life?
Yes you are the ass hole, why are women always going through men’s phones?