This year was my first Mother’s Day and I have been in the trenches with my son as my husband is a CEO with a long commute and can’t help much due to not being home even when he’s home his phone is ringing etc. I purchased a gift and card for MIL and grand mother in law and told my husband. My husband surprised me with a weekend away on the beach and day at the spa. By the time I found out about this it was too late to mail anything and I’m sure my husband knew he couldn’t tell me to mail the gift without sending up alarm bells. We have spent every Mother’s Day with them even last year when I was heavily pregnant and for context my mom is single and lives 15 minutes away so she had no one to make a fuss over her and purposely moved close to us. My in laws have been rude, boundary crossing and disrespectful for many years but it escalated with my son’s arrival. Just a few things my MIL did she came to me one morning and told me she didn’t want to be mean but if I was her daughter she’d tell me I need to dye my hair blonde and cut it, I can’t let myself go (I had a newborn and was preparing for a major major exam). On my wedding day she told me I looked like a hot mess and the coordinator overheard and apologized on behalf of my MIL. They criticize our parenting and expect us to spend every holiday and birthday at their house (even got mad I didn’t want to have my sons first birthday at her house an hour away from our house). So Mother’s Day comes my husband calls his mom and wishes her a happy Mother’s Day. My father in law makes a post listing all of the incredible mothers in his life listing everyone dead and alive but leave me out. This post included people younger than me so it wasn’t a post for mother figures literally just mothers. (Keep in mind I’ve known this man since I was 18 and in that time I’ve spent every single Christmas with him and most other holidays and attended everyone’s birthdays and I have given birth to the first grandchild). Then the next weekend my son starts cutting his first tooth on Thursday night it is really affecting him he’s fighting sleep crying a lot etc. my husbands adult sister is staying with her parents for the summer and her birthday falls on Sunday. We get a text that they are doing a celebration with the family at their house on Saturday. Coming on the heels of the Facebook post and my son is inconsolable I tell my husband we can’t go to their house on Saturday due to the 1.5-2 hours my son will be strapped in his car seat (which makes him scream on a good day) but offer to take the sister to brunch on Sunday in a town half way between our houses which she happens to love. They freak out in response and end up sending my husband text messages saying they won’t speak to him anymore and that if “someone” is making him pick them over his family it is wrong and he was raised better. They give us the silent treatment for several days. Now I find out this morning that they have invited us to come to their house for Memorial Day when I tell my husband I’m not comfortable he says I need to be more stoic and not let them bother me I end up going to another room and crying.
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My heart hurts for you, OP. You are not overreacting. When you got married, your husband left his Family Of Origin to start a new one with you. You and your child are his primary family now, his parents are secondary. That’s what being married means!
Hands up for a ride with an unhappy baby? That’s what I thought. No thanks.
And why would you travel somewhere for a nice holiday weekend where you had to be stoic instead of joyful or even just relaxed?
You do not need to be “more stoic”. What he really means by that is be a doormat. Why? Because he doesn’t want to be criticized by his parents. So who is actually the one lacking stoicism here? Your husband.
Of course you’re not overreacting. They’re awful. Part of the reason they’re behaving this way is their actions haven’t had enough consequences. Why would you go to their house after they insulted you and gave you the silent treatment? I do feel sad for your husband that he thinks this kind of behavior is normal. Hopefully he’s in therapy.