I’m 45, married, and my husband and I chose not to have kids. We’ve both worked hard, have stable careers, and enjoy spending on hobbies and travel. One of my passions is boating, I own a small lake house where I keep two boats and plan to buy a third next year.
My younger brother is in his late 30s. He’s had a tough time managing his life. Two failed marriages, now living with his girlfriend and her son. He works part time and complains a lot about the economy. His girlfriend doesn’t work much either, and their household always seems to be in some kind of financial mess.
Recently, he asked if I could help pay for his stepson’s private tutoring, since the boy is struggling in school. I declined politely at first, but then my brother made a sarcastic comment like, Must be nice to spend money on boats while we’re trying to get by.
That’s when I blew up a little. I told him, Maybe if you spent more time working and less time complaining, you wouldn’t be in this position. And added, I’ll buy ten more boats before I hand you a single dollar. I reminded him his stepson isn’t my responsibility. he has two parents, and it’s on them to figure things out.
He later called my husband to complain about how rude I was. Now my husband thinks maybe we should help, just to keep the peace. But I don’t feel obligated. Yes, we have the money, but I’m not my brother’s safety net.
Also, before anyone asks, I barely know his girlfriend’s kid. They live across the country, and I’ve only met him a couple times. I send gifts on holidays, but we’re not close.
So, AITAH?
Comments
NTA. Tell your husband to shut the hell up. There are millions of children in more dire need of help than this kid from a first-world country with three able-bodied parents. He can donate his savings to those kids if he is feeling so generous.
NTA
You work for your money. How you spend it is up to you.
As you say if he needs more money he or his gf should get more work. Or cut out unecessary expenses.
NTA. It’s not even his stepson it’s his girlfriend’s child. It’s insane to expect you to pay for that.
And as an added aside, your husband needs a serious wake up call if he’s the type to do dumb and unnecessary things like give out money to fund strangers’ education to “keep the peace”.
NTA just not your problem.. and don’t let anyone tell you that somehow it is ..
NTA and you’re not his safety net. However, if you were inclined to help a child with their education (not to keep the peace or help your brother but because falling behind peers can lead to disengagement and higher rates of dropping out and lower lifetime earning potential) you could tie it to your brother getting a full time job. He gets a full time job, you help with tutoring. When he balks, then you tried and it’s on him, if he agrees and follows through you’ll also help teach the value of hard work.
NTA for not wanting to give money, YTA for being a real jerk to your brother tho
NTA
The idea of keeping the peace was invented by people who have no spine.
They can’t bring themselves to stand up and say “no”.
So they become the family doormat.
Don’t be that person.
You owe them nothing.
Stand your ground.
If if was money for food gas or electric i would understand but private education no chance. Not your child not your responsibility. How rude is your brother though?! I wouldn’t dream of asking my sister to do that!
NTA, open your checkbook to him and you will never be able to close it.
So neither of them will step up to provide for his “Private” education , but are more than happy for you to go without for someone that you are not even related to …. yep NTA , by a long shot
NTA. If he’s asking for money in his 30’s, he’ll be asking in his 40’s, 50’s, etc. My husband’s oldest sister never learned financial responsibility because she was constantly bailed out.
Sure, give him the money. Then build a little fire and burn the rest of the money you have. That is literally how much good it will do him.
People either have it or they don’t when it comes to money. If he was smart he would take some good solid advice about money management. That would be more valuable than the money you would give him.
NTA
What is the reason for your brother to only work part time? Health issues or just doesn’t want to get a full time job?
These posts are ridiculous.. Of course you are not the asshole.
You are NTA. Don’t negotiate with terrorists. If your brother is holding you up financially, demanding money in return for his participation in your relationship, then that’s a huge red flag, and you should get out now before it gets worse. That kind of relationship is not beneficial either emotionally or financially.
Your brother is fortunate that you have made better choices and built a comfortable life for yourself. If a real emergency comes along, if his house burns down or someone ends up in the hospital, he has a stable relative who might be able and willing to offer a bit of help. But, that won’t be the case if you let him drain you dry before then, emotionally and financially. There’s an old saying ‘Your failure to plan is not my emergency’. Tutoring is not an emergency. He can do it himself, or barter for someone’s services if he doesn’t have the money. Public schools have an obligation to provide this type of tutoring, so he can work with the school and use public services.
It’s impossible to ‘keep the peace’ in the way you are describing. That’s not ‘peace’ that you are experiencing if you are unhappy, coerced, under duress. That’s a hostage situation. Pouring money into the dumpster fire of your brother’s life will simply encourage your brother’s profligacy. He and his partner have unrealistic perceptions of how much he should work, and how much he should spend. If you make money appear out of thin air for him, you would only be further distorting his perceptions. If your brother senses you are vulnerable to this type of grift, he will never stop manufacturing ’emergencies’. And the demands will increase over time. It’s important to create a strong personal boundary exactly for keeping the peace, exactly to preserve your relationship. I hope you can explain this to your husband. If your brother senses that he can get money out of you this way, that you will never have a moment’s peace in that relationship. On the other hand, if you can give him a firm ‘no’, and stick to it, he will eventually move on, and the relationship can be salvaged.
You can be his mark, or you can be his sister – but you can’t be both. Being a true sister to your brother is a priceless gift whether he knows it or not. He doesn’t know how to maintain healthy boundaries, he can’t control his addiction to OPM – but this is one thing you can do for your brother. You can maintain healthy boundaries so the relationship can survive. Otherwise, your relationship will be destroyed by his rapacious greed, and you will not be there for him and his family when he truly needs you because without those healthy boundaries, he will have driven you away for good.
Good luck and best wishes.
NTA. You are working to better yourself, not let your family spend your money
I don’t think you’re TA, your money, your decision. I just think it is sad not to have a loving relationship with your sibling. I have 4 and we help each other whenever we can or need. All successful but together makes you stronger. My youngest sister takes care of my parents and we all support her. My two adult children, 23F and 28M also love each other and are each other’s best friend. I would be ashamed to have the means and yet chose not to help any of my siblings.
NTA
That’s not help, it’s enabling!
The mother doesn’t work full time and neither does your brother. Tell your husband if he wants to help your brother write a resume or tell him where to find job opportunities that’s fine. Funding two adults who don’t care enough about the child they’re raising to get full time jobs isn’t help. All you would be doing is telling them that they don’t have to work, they can just come to the two of you.
If they both committed to working for their family but could only get low paying full time jobs and were still struggling then you might consider helping a little depending on the circumstances. But until they fully commit to doing better for their own family neither can you.
NTA. If you listen to your husband and give in, they will come to you constantly for hand outs. If they need more money, they can look for full time work, pick up some extra shifts etc.
I can’t work due to a long list of mental health issues. So I’ve been on disability or welfare or whatever it’d be in English for the last decade (this time around, not my first time). This means my finances are always pretty garbage, because you do not get rich when on sick leave. I have four siblings (technically five, but one I only share a dad with and have been NC with both since I was a teenager) and I’m close with two of them. My sister is a single mum and also doesn’t have great finances in spite of having a job. My younger brother is in school now, but he is really frugal with his money, and got a pretty big inheritance when his grandmother passed (we don’t have the same dad), so he’s perfectly fine financially.
While I admit I’ve borrowed money from my brother when things have been really panicky, we’re talking like $10 here or there for something like toilet paper or just the most basic food ever. And I always pay him back. He might be pretty well off compared to me but I’d never feel entitled to his money. If he’d say no when I ask for help, I wouldn’t be mad or upset or blame him. I’d simply say, thank you anyway, I’ll figure this out, don’t worry about it. And then our relationship would be exactly as it was before.
No one is entitled to YOUR money, except for YOU. And to some extent, a romantic partner and children if there are any. But just because you have more money since you’ve made different choices than your brother it doesn’t mean he’s entitled to a cent of it. Even if you could easily afford it.
NTA.
Life sucks for most people. But they don’t need to rub it in and demand free handouts that they never intend to pay back from those who did better financially and deserve to give themselves a little reward.
What was your brother going to do after you gave him the money? Besides demand that you give him MORE money a few days later.
I sold an investment of mine this morning. 12 years ago, I went without eating to start that investment. Today, I’m getting $8,600 for it. I’m sure as hell not letting my siblings know that I have that much. As long as they believe I barely have $500 in Savings or even less, they never ask me for money.
NTA
I’m going to sound harsh here but this child is not part of your family and not your responsibility to support financially, the child has a mother that only works part time, she should have the time available to help her child with some tutoring at home, if that is insufficient then she needs to reassess her current situation to increase her income so that she can support her child.
Your brother is way out of line here and you definitely should not enable him because it will only escalate further until they drain you dry.
NTA but You definitely have a husband problem. He needs to have your back. The fact that your brother feels comfortable calling your husband tells you that your brother sees your husband as a weak link. The fact that your husband took the call and is now trying to change your mind shows that your husband is weak and doesn’t understand loyalty – or how not to be a sap.
Maybe if your brother and his totally useless gf get say, full time jobs and actually show up for work, maybe, just maybe they wouldn’t have to beg like entitled idiots. Good god, what’s wrong with people that they can’t even figure out how to work a full shift at McDonald’s?? Yikes!
NTA
Your husband is wrong. Once you start helping someone who doesn’t own his own failures, you will be ‘assisting’ them forever. Don’t ever give money to him for taking care of children that are not his. Raising his step child is not his responsibility, it is the child’s parents job to do this, and definitely not yours.
Tell your Brother, it is time for him to get a full time job, and manage his household himself. An adult would know this, it’s time he heard it from someone he respects. He silently respects you, even if he displays otherwise. He is asking for money, so he knows that you have been successful in keeping some of your income to spend on luxuries.
Wait, are you saying, that you worked hard for this money not to hand them over to anybody who ask for them? What a horrible person you are 🙁
NTA – it is not your fault your brother and his gf are too lazy or apathetic to work hard and get their lives together. You did that. He doesn’t get to demand your help just because he has chosen not to.
Hard “NO”. Once you start down the path of giving them money, they will be back with their hand out. Do not create a sick co-dependence that you can’t break. You will forever be the bad guys because you have money and they don’t. Giving them money will not keep the peace. It will disturb the peace.
NTA,tell your husband to sit down.
NTA
Your brother told you it was for his education but how do you know for sure? As you said they both only work part time, chances are he is trying to guilt you into giving him money and then will be frivolous with it and be back for more in a month.
They should both get full time jobs, or find more work to do elsewhere and show some responsibility first then if they are doing all they can and still need help maybe consider it. But don’t give handouts to people because they are too lazy to provide for themselves…
NTA Tell your brother to grow up and start working more hours to pay for what he needs himself rather than trying to guilt others into giving handouts to a grown up lazy man child.
You work hard and have made a good life for yourself, you made responsible choices and sensible decisions. Your brother works part-time and complains.
You reap what you sow. Your effort and investment paid off, his don’t.
Welcome to capitalism.
NTA. It’d be different if he was trying but struggling and needed some support – it’s your money but its nice to help family if you can. However this is not to help him. Its to help a child that isn’t his and you don’t know. As you say the child has 2 parents. Why isn’t she going to the father or her family for help instead of getting her boyfriend to ask his family? Especially when the pair of them don’t work much. They sound entitled. I also don’t get why people ask when there is only one they would accept; don’t get snippy when someone declines your request. Just say ‘give me’ not ‘may I’
NTA, I am always amazed at how some people think they are entitled to other family members income.
Maybe your brother should take the time to help his girlfriend’s kid study instead of trying to guilt you into paying for a third party to do it.
two boats??? like a fishing boat and a pontoon boat? what would be different about the third.
give him a bit of money now and he’s gonna keep coming back for more. This will not end with this one time
Look if the money was for a medical procedure or life saving medicine I’d say yah you kinda suck. But it’s for a private tutor? Dude can go find a second part time job or the mother can or the bio dad can
Not your kid, not your problem
NTA, this is his and his girlfriend’s responsibility, not yours. Like you said if he would work more maybe he could afford the tutor.
NTA. OP is not responsible for the girlfriend’s kid. The kid’s parents need to step up. OP’s brother can’t expect bail-outs for his poor decisions. He needs to be responsible and get his shit together.
NTA. Your brother’s stepson is not, in any way, your responsibility. I’m assuming he has two bio parents plus your brother to cover these sorts of things, it’s their responsibility. It’s not your fault brother and his gf refuse to work full-time despite the fact working part-time means they struggle. If they need more money, all they have to do is get a decent paying full-time job for at least one of them, preferably both.
You’re not here to fund your brother’s life. He’s an adult with responsibilities, he needs to step up and actually do what he needs to do to fulfil those responsibilities. Just because you have the money, doesn’t mean he gets to have any of it. The money is yours, your worked hard for it, and you can, indeed, buy ten more boats if that’s what you want to do.
Tell your husband that giving in now wouldn’t be ‘keeping the peace’, it would be telling your brother that you’re willing to fund his life, and his gf and stepson that you barely even know, for the rest of your lives. It won’t stop with one request, he’ll keep coming back for more and more, it’ll never end. All the money you currently use to have a nice lifestyle you both enjoy will end up going to your brother. That’s not keeping the peace, it’s completely changing your lifestyle to ‘help’ someone who can’t be bothered helping himself.
NTA he is coasting and as a parent if he loves the kid he would work his ass off to make sure the kid is provided for. Like many parents do
Adding what your husband is suggesting will just enable your brother’s laziness. If he was working full time and couldn’t afford things that would be a different story. If he was disabled that would be a different story but he can level up his life he just can’t be bothered to
NTA
If he’s only working part time and his wife isn’t working, either or both of them can do the tutoring themselves, without spending anyone else’s money.
It would be nice if you wanted to help your brother, but it would be even more nice for him to be humble and appreciative and not try to manipulate and guilt trip you when you say no. Your brother’s reaction would have me react the same way as you – no financial gifts ever. He’s ungrateful and lazy and entitled. Tell your husband he’s an easy mark and should stay out of your dispute with your brother and that if you catch him giving your brother money it’s going to be a big problem. Also, just fyi, I suspect your brother wouldn’t spend any money you give him on a child. He’d spend it on himself. He’s probably just lying.
ETA – NTA.
NTA- You and your spouse have worked hard for your money. You get to decide how you spend it. Your brother has a bad track record on relationships, and the child that needs help is his gf’s kid not even his stepkid. There are resources at his school and online. There are his parents and grandparents to assist this child to pay for extra help. And if your brother is so invested in this child, yes, instead of complaining, he should get another job or maybe two!
If you give money once, they will never stop asking for more. NTA
NTA
Yeah your brother is out of hand asking you to pay for someone else’s child when neither he or the mother are making any attempts to pay for it themselves.
And to use your outburst against you and basically’tell on you ‘ to your husband is asinine and childish.
I would think the sister of her current boyfriend would be way down on the list of people that have a responsibility to contribute towards the child’s education and life.
NTA. Yes, it is nice to have money and spend it how we want. You (brother) did the same. Two wives. Two lives. Paid for divorces. Paying for new gf. He spends how he wants to spend, you spend how you want to spend. He’s the black sheep, (we all have them), and he’ll never learn. Don’t let him guilt trip to into giving away, “I need money”. Figure out a way to MAKE money, like, get a job. And no, your family members will not be paying for your next girlfriends kids “private school tutoring”.. Schools provide tutoring, before and after school. If he wanted a better excuse, ask for money for a bicycle so gf’s kid can ride to school since we can’t afford bus service would be more believable on why you “need money”….not the I “want money”. Follow up next time with TONS of detailed questions and you’ll Pay it Direct to the schooltutorDrtaxeshouse repair. he gets defensive, its not for what he claims. Good luck.
“Must be nice” is a phrase that jealous people use when they don’t have the motivation to make their own way.
I have a friend who used to belong to an outlaw MC club and the guys that sat around the club all day and didn’t work apparently would use this phrase a lot. He grew weary of the whole scene and retired.
NTAH. Your money, your choice how to spend it. However, you did go overboard in how you said no. It was not necessary to respond to his jealous comment about your life style by impugning his however lamentable his life choices have been.
NTA. Your brother’s money (life) problems are his to manage. He can be as salty as he wants. Maybe he can work full time and ask his girlfriend to get a steady job.
NTA. If your brother’s gf is so worried about her kid’s education, I suggest she and her BD get better jobs or learn how to apply for scholarships and grants. Mooching off your bf’s relatives is not the answer. That screams “gold digger” from across the country. You and your husband are NTA but you need to tell husband, politely, to stay out of it. It sounds like your relationship with your brother is rocky, so it would be best for your husband to let you handle that for now.
NTA. Pay to keep the peace, you will have to pay for the rest of your life or worse, one day you’ll pay with your life. Stay firm and after rounds of nagging and complaining, he’ll stop asking cause you don’t budge.
NTA – “Must be nice to spend money on boats while other people are trying to get by…”
“Yeah! It’s awesome! Thanks for saying!”
I swear the phrase “just to keep the peace” needs to be stricken from the English language.
You know there are free apps for tutorials and enrichment. Heck , I just looked up a download and a dozen personalized for under 100 a month . He doesn’t need money. He wants it. Tutors are necessary for some, but not your problem. Time for brother to stop lofting and put down his anchor .
Let him call whoever he wants. U weren’t rude u were real. And if that scares him more than his own life choices, that’s not ur problem to fix.
Nta. Don’t give him a penny. He will keep asking for more and more and more
NTA
“Keeping the peace” grows resentment on your part, and entitlement on his. Nope. Rudeness and passive aggressive puts owns, is not the way to go, buddy. I laughed at 10 more boats! That’s right bro, you reap what you sow.
Funny, but my stbx acts exactly like your brother, to his -multimillionaire- sibling. Yet sibling still hands stbx $10-20k every few years. It’s a drop in the bucket for sibling and it’s mostly to help my family. Stbx failed to disclose this information. It did not benefit our children or me. One of many reasons he is stbx.
Karma farming is a genuinely pathetic practice.
NTA ask your husband what “the peace” is worth to him. When will there be “enough” peace? Or will he just keep suggesting to buy their “peace” for the rest of your lives?
They’ll never stop believing they’re entitled to your money. Giving it to them “for peace” only shows them that if they have a big enough tantrum they’ll get what they want.
It’s something we try to combat in school as well. Kids will have tantrums at home because their parents give in and want them to be quiet so they give the yes. I don’t say this maliciously, tantrums suck, especially in public.
But once kids understand this action get them this reward, they’ll just keep escalating the action until it gets them the reward. Because it keeps working. These kids aren’t master manipulators. They’ve just learned that x gets them y, and they have no reason not to do x to get y. Because it always works, form their point of view.
This is exactly what your family is going to do and probably has been doing to you for awhile.
Why donate to someone you have no familial relations? He isn’t even married to her.
Giving them money is just enabling their irresponsible behavior. Time for them to step up and both get full time jobs. If they won’t, that’s on them.
NTA it must be nice to just work part time or not at all. All that free time! On the other hand OP work their ass off, has substantially less free time but money to invest in hobbies. Life is about choices.
NTA.
Give him some money if you want to keep the peace. But be prepared for him to ask for more in the future.