My MIL is visiting us for 2 weeks, it’s her first time. I noticed after week 1 that she’s been so cold to me (I said hello one morning, she didn’t answer but just looked at me, not smiling. I say bon appétit when she eats. She stopped smiling at me). Still, I do my due diligence to stay polite to her. She’s the type to cook everyday and clean even when she’s a guest. My fiancé then told me what’s one of her problems with me, that she feels disrespected because of one situation:
We were eating breakfast together at the kitchen table (i made an effort because usually i just eat on the couch or take my food to the bedroom, lol). She finished before me so she stood up and started cleaning with the broom. Our neighbourhood is so dusty in general, and my hair falls out (so there’s THAT much dust accumulation). I told her GENTLY to not worry about what’s under my feet, I would do it myself later, because I was still finishing my coffee+food. Mind you, I was raised to not clean up while someone is eating because it’s dirty (and to not leave the table at all). So in my culture, SHE would be considered as NOT polite.
She told her son that she feels disrespected because I told her « not to touch my area »…
I feel like she’s finding reasons to blame me because she commented my face and my body before, and told my brother that he got so fat. And she always requested me to push out babies. So we told her that it’s not good to ask for it because she doesn’t know if we don’t want yet, or if we just can’t. My fiancé also told her not to comment on someone’s body like that, because I brought it up.
Please note that I am gentle when I talk to her, and she can says things in a very raw way.
And also, her son served her a glass of hard alcohol (the bottle was a gift for me from someone but I dont mind if someone drinks it), he was filling up the cup and I told him to slow down (because it’s not water, lol). And she told her son that it was a disrespect too, thinking I say that because I don’t want her to have more from my bottle (bruuuh)…
Am I the asshole? Anyway… I googled « is it polite to do the broom while someone’s eating » just to make sure i’m not exaggerating. 😂 I am sick of this.
PS: nothing is ever directly said to me.
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I’d like to know what culture it is okay to start clean while people are still eating at the table? I honestly thought that was pretty common.
Why is your husband playing messenger? Your husband loves and knows your heart and soul enough to want to marry you and make a long life commitment to you. He should be shutting down his mom and defend you IMO. Yes it’s rude to start cleaning when someone is eating and this is cross cultural.
Because she’s so “upset, miserable, and disrespected” she can simply stay home and when your fiance feels up-to-it he can go visit her.
If someone disrespects me in my home, they are simply never allowed back
If she wants to ever visit again, YOU send her links to hotels and tell her that you’re available to meet her at a restaurant one day out of her vacation. Then you ignore her otherwise.
So, this is where DH needs to step in and put his mother in her place because YOU aren’t the issue. She’s treating YOU like an inconvenient child she has to clean up after. You’re the homeowner. If you want to enjoy your coffee, she needs to wait to clean up. If you decide she doesn’t need to clean at all, that’s your right. If she can’t handle that, her house is a great place to do what she wants. I wouldn’t be impressed with any guest demanding I start running my home how they seem fit and that’s what MIL is doing.
I’d bet money she wanted you to leave the kitchen and give her space and peace. She’s asserting her dominance here. You were in a no win situation. If you leave, “OP left her mess for me to clean up!” If you stay, “OP was disrespectful to my efforts!” DH needs to wisen up and tell his mother that she’s a visitor and if someone like sweeping is causing her emotional turmoil, she can start staying elsewhere and visiting for an hour.
My MIL also tried to run about my home when she visited. She bought paper towels because my cloth ones aren’t “sanitary”. She brought paper plates because “she likes to eat off those.” She tried to tell me what brands of cleaning products to use. She bought us a “cute flag” because we needed one in front of our door? It wasn’t ever about helping, it’s about control. She couldn’t handle that my DH had a life outside of hers and thought she’d “help” (demand).
Who knows if she is constipated or feels disrespected when she refuses to communicate?
I think you’re doing the right thing, ignoring her attempts at hinting and being your cheerful self. If she wants something, she can use her words. She can tell you – gently – if something bothers her and you can discuss it. And then you can tell her she might have those feelings but it is not reasonable and you wont change, so she can choose to keep feeling that way or leaving.
Dont get dragged into guessing what might or might not set her off, walking on eggshells in your own home. Her emotions are not your responsibility and her inability to communicate is her issue, not yours.