Men who want to be brutish, immature, entitled and arrogant, do so because it makes them feel powerful and important. Quality women with self respect aren’t attracted to that, but men think they should be, because it makes them feel “masculine”.
I listened to an interview recently about “dominance masculinity”. The relationship therapist interviewed said these men fail at relationships because they’re only concerned with what can women do for them rather than what can they do for the relationship. Dominance masculinity isn’t just violence and force, it’s selfishness and thoughtlessness. It doesn’t occur to them it’s their own fault because they’re so conditioned by patriarchy that being in a relationship entitles them to certain things that benefit themselves at the expense of women.
There’s a sub for married couples on here who mainly vent about their problems. It’s astonishing how many men are only concerned about sex. And everyone always asks how much parenting and household drudgery they do. While they have a point, they miss the big picture. Women want men who care about them and respect them and who focus on what’s best for the relationship BECAUSE they care about and respect them, not because of some selfish sex goal.. Do the dishes because it’s best for the relationship, not because it’s a means to get sex, you drooling ape.
It never occurs to them to care about and respect the women they claim to love as the literal key to happiness in a relationship. It’s so goddamn simple. Don’t do things that sabotage your relationship with the person you claim to care about, or those are just empty and meaningless words and you become a liar. Don’t whack to porn and lie to your wife about it if you care about her. Don’t pay for only fans if you care about your wife. Do participate in your household and your family as a partner if you care about your wife. If there’s something that has to be done and you are available, if you care about your wife you will just do it, without being asked, babysat or instructed and without needing praise for just doing what’s expected of an adult. You treat her like a whole person, a partner and an equal, because you care about her, and she will feel safe. If she feels safe, you will have a healthy connected relationship. If something hurts your relationship and you care about your wife, you will *not want to do that thing. No excuses, no rationalization, no buts. If you are the good guy you claim to be, it’s the last thing you would do. You wouldn’t even be tempted.
There’s a spectrum. Men who are violent and aggressive in their dominance are on one end (those who have sex with their wives who don’t want to – either by force or whose wives are too scared to say no aka r:pe, or who do so because they feel they have to in order to keep him or else he will cheat, the porn and sex addicts, those who cheat especially who pay for prostitutes, in person or online), men who are selfish in their dominance (the lazy and arrogant ones who are above “women’s work”, who do selfish things and blame women for their selfishness, push back, gaslight, whenever their selfishness is challenged), and on the other end, healthy men whose words and actions benefit the relationship and make it stronger because they know how to show how much they care without asking for or expecting anything in return. (Women respond to this and meet them right there in the middle.). Men who are wired this way will never be lonely. Why is it this hard for them to understand?
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Can someone explain how we can break this cycle? I mean, it’s exhausting, men thinking they’re entitled to stuff just because. Like, hello? We deserve respect too!
Thank you for introducing me to the phrase, “dominance masculinity”. That’s a helpful, and more specific term than “toxic masculinity”.
There are a lot of men in the dead bedrooms group who are desperate for advice on how to get more sex. And they do get told to help with children and chores, but they treat it like a transaction. They put an hour into chores, so they expect sex to pop out like it is a vending machine. It just feels like a hopeless cycle by then.
What you are describing is not a fluke or a bunch of individual men getting it wrong. It is the system working exactly as intended. Men are socialized to believe that relationships revolve around their needs and that women exist to meet them. This is not just about immaturity or bad habits. It is about power.
The dynamic you are seeing, where men expect emotional labor, domestic work, and sex while offering little in return, is not random. It is how patriarchy sustains itself. As long as men see relationships as something they are owed rather than something they build and contribute to, women remain overworked, under-respected, and emotionally drained.
This is not about being cynical. It is about being clear. If we keep framing these issues as miscommunication or mismatched expectations, we miss the bigger truth. Inequality in relationships is systemic. These men are not broken. They are functioning within a structure that rewards dominance and punishes mutual care.
Real change starts when we name the pattern and refuse to normalize it.
“Dominance masculinity” is a great phrase, thank you!
I am always confused by the idea that a man’s participation in the life he chose is a favor to the woman. I don’t sweep the porch to make my husband happy- I do it because it’s my porch and it needs sweeping.
So when he does something for the house or the kids (both things he wanted and worked for), I am happy to have a partner in life but not GRATEFUL if that makes sense. Gratitude implies that he took on a task that was rightfully mine alone.
Women’s attitudes over the last century have changed drastically- driven by the need to change in legislation. Amd out conditioning that really wants peace and social connection.
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Men’s attitudes have been changed by marketing and ultra-consumerism.
Buy the things to make you feel great, be the muscles guy and women will fall all over you ( where as studies show actual women want a fit but comfortable guy),
Hey guys you deserve that f-you motorcycle, don’t let your wife and her silly budgeting stop you!!
Link to the interview?
Can I make up a new variety: “stealth dominance masculinity”
He seems open minded. He might even call himself a feminist. He dotes on you when dating. You never see him obsessed over porn. When he thinks he owns you (marriage or baby) the mask slips. Suddenly he stops doing anything for the relationship or household. If you ask him to do xyz, you get weaponized incompetence or “I forgot”. Any controlling tendencies really show. He now thinks his role is just show up. Just come home from work every night. And that’s the man posting about his dead bedroom and crying how unfair it is he’s being deprived. “Boo hoo! I do so much for her.”
The idea of “dominance masculinity” plays into smaller things like one-upsmanship and that kind of “humor” that’s just picking at the other person. Always gotta be in control, be on top.
It’s amazingly off-putting.
How does this dominance masculinity intersect with the decentering movement? Would women generally feel less compelled to decenter men if they exhibited and worked more toward rational masculinity?
This is an interesting read because it’s something I haven’t realized I’ve thought about. I work with volunteer organizations, mostly those my church participates in, like a food pantry and Habitat for Humanity and things like that. And I see guys who do some hard work, like carrying 40-pound bags of potatoes or onions, or framing up the walls of a house and going on the roof to nail down the plywood and then the shingles, and they do it for no pay just because it needs to be done in order to help other people.
I’ve not gone guy-shopping at any of these things, because they’re older than me and mostly married and I’m not looking right now. But I’ve noticed that some of them have been married a long time, and I have thought that this is the kind of guy I will want in the future. But I haven’t thought it in words that these guys aren’t “dominant masculine,” it’s more “benevolent masculine.” They use their strength to serve others, instead of wielding their strength like a weapon to make others serve them. There’s one guy at HfH who’s been married 40 years and he and his wife still giggle when they’re together. That’s relationship goals, and she wouldn’t be giggling with him if he’d spent 40 years making her feel small and unimportant and neglected.
I totally get where you’re coming from, and I respect that. But I think it’s really important to remember that guys don’t have to fit into a certain box. Those ideas of what a ‘real man’ should be like can be pretty limiting, and honestly, even hurtful sometimes. It’s not about taking away strength or leadership, it’s about adding to it – letting people feel okay with showing their feelings, being kind, and connecting with others. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone could just be themselves, no matter what?
I wouldn’t mind listening to this interview.
That’s why I don’t care when they complain about being lonely
What interview did you listen to?
Sounds like my ex
I really like “dominance masculinity” way better than anything else I’ve heard about these things
>Why is it this hard for them to understand?
That’s the thing – it isn’t. Men who are like this don’t care. Woman is just an object to further their goals, make their lives more convenient. Why should he care that his woman is unhappy? He’s getting what he wants from the relationship, it’s all that matters to him. And you can be sure that if gets even a fraction of this treatment back at him he’d be throwing a fit. Because he knows it sucks. These guys are awfully selfish and I really wish women would drop them the first chance they get. Don’t try to “fix” him, “educate” him or whatever. You won’t. If he cared you wouldn’t have to educate him on basic respect for a human being.