I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. We’ve always had a trusting relationship—sharing phones, living together, being open with each other. He’s someone I truly saw as loving, respectful, and safe. But a few days ago, I noticed he wouldn’t let me use his phone while we were looking at Facebook Marketplace—something we’ve always done together. It felt strange, and eventually he admitted that he had been watching videos of women sexualizing themselves—wearing lingerie, dancing, etc.—on Facebook. He also told me that he regularly looks up specific women’s profiles that he finds attractive. These aren’t celebrities, they’re just regular women… and they look nothing like me.
He says it’s something he’s done since he was in sixth grade—that it feels like an uncontrollable urge. He watches this kind of content daily, mostly on his lunch breaks or when I’m not home. He told me he feels ashamed and that it doesn’t mean he loves me any less—but I’m having a really hard time believing that.
It has completely shattered my self-esteem. I feel like I’m not enough for him—not attractive enough, not exciting enough, not desirable. I’ve started comparing myself to the women he watches. I don’t feel confident in my own skin anymore. I even find myself feeling disgusted with my appearance. I feel betrayed, rejected, and deeply hurt.
Even though he says he loves me and wants to be with me, I feel like I’ve lost my sense of safety in the relationship. I’m scared. I don’t know how to rebuild my trust in him, and worse, I don’t know how to rebuild the trust I once had in myself.
I want to understand how to process this pain, how to rebuild my self-worth, and how to decide what healing could even look like—whether it’s something we work through together, or something I need to walk away from to protect my emotional well-being.
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Backup of the post’s body: I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. We’ve always had a trusting relationship—sharing phones, living together, being open with each other. He’s someone I truly saw as loving, respectful, and safe. But a few days ago, I noticed he wouldn’t let me use his phone while we were looking at Facebook Marketplace—something we’ve always done together. It felt strange, and eventually he admitted that he had been watching videos of women sexualizing themselves—wearing lingerie, dancing, etc.—on Facebook. He also told me that he regularly looks up specific women’s profiles that he finds attractive. These aren’t celebrities, they’re just regular women… and they look nothing like me.
He says it’s something he’s done since he was in sixth grade—that it feels like an uncontrollable urge. He watches this kind of content daily, mostly on his lunch breaks or when I’m not home. He told me he feels ashamed and that it doesn’t mean he loves me any less—but I’m having a really hard time believing that.
It has completely shattered my self-esteem. I feel like I’m not enough for him—not attractive enough, not exciting enough, not desirable. I’ve started comparing myself to the women he watches. I don’t feel confident in my own skin anymore. I even find myself feeling disgusted with my appearance. I feel betrayed, rejected, and deeply hurt.
Even though he says he loves me and wants to be with me, I feel like I’ve lost my sense of safety in the relationship. I’m scared. I don’t know how to rebuild my trust in him, and worse, I don’t know how to rebuild the trust I once had in myself.
I want to understand how to process this pain, how to rebuild my self-worth, and how to decide what healing could even look like—whether it’s something we work through together, or something I need to walk away from to protect my emotional well-being.
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I hate to say this, I really really do, but one of the main reasons why you’re so devastated over this is your age. You’re essentially still a kid but trying to play like you’re in adult living situation. Now you’re faced with an adult situation and you’re emotionally unprepared for it because of your youth. This shouldn’t devastate your self esteem. Stop playing house. Go back home or live by yourself if you can. You are not emotionally equipped yet to handle this type of relationship/living situation. I’d say most men look at porn. I look at porn some times. If he has a problem and it’s impacting his life, then he should seek help. This has nothing to do with you. He would do this with anyone.
I just want to say I’ve gone through a similar experience to this before, my boyfriend of just over a year at the time admitted to me he had been looking at videos of women, many times a week for the entirety of our relationship.
It absolutely broke me, I was angry, hurt and sad. I felt so ugly and had no self esteem for ages I would constantly look at their pictures comparing myself to them trying to see what’s wrong with me. I had such resentment against him. I chose to stay, whether or not this was the right descision I don’t know but now I’m happy in our relationship. I still struggle with trust now (I struggled even before him telling me this) but it is getting better. Whether or not you stay depends on him. Think back to the past, did it seem like he truely loved you? Did he do the little things to make you happy? Did he pay attention etc? If he did then he does love you. However that doesn’t mean you have to stay, this is his issue and it doesn’t have anything to do with you.
If you feel you can’t handle trying to get him to stop, then don’t feel it’s your responsibility. It’s not your problem it’s his.
Porn addiction is scarily common now and I think it’s something that needs to be seriously addressed
It’s weird he does it on his lunch break but most guys look at porn. We also look at pretty girls in person. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive or that he doesn’t love you. It honestly has nothing to do with you. Maybe he should talk to someone about this. Then couples counseling.
But if you want a guy that doesn’t even look at other women you need a blind guy.
It’s a really great start that he was open about this- it most definitely means he is willing to work through this issue with you. If you’re up to it, mention to him starting therapy for this issue specifically and if that seems to not work then try couples therapy. You should see a therapist as well since you mentioned it has hurt your self esteem. I get where you come from and I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Like I said, it’s a great start that he confessed to this, it truly does show that he is willing to work on this issue. I would say talk to him about the concerns you have with this matter before moving forward with any definite decisions. Play it by ear and by heart; whatever you feel will work for you is what you should do BUT after you have a serious conversation with him on boundaries and what you’ll expect moving forward. If he cannot compromise on those wishes, leave babe.
He wants to look up women on the regular and check them out while watching sexual content on the regular on social media apps and not just porn sites. You can’t make him change if he doesn’t want to so you either have to 1. Talk to him. Let him know how you feel. See if he’d be willing to change. And stay or 2. Talk to him. Let him know how you feel. See if he’s willing to change if he says no or he “cant” walk away. You only really have two choices and it’s ultimately going to be what you wanna do in the end not what anyone else tells you
Personally I think a 21 year old sleeping with a 17 year old is the bigger red flag than the porn here. That being said, maybe they weren’t sexually active at that time, but then what did she expect? You’re not going to find many young men in their 20s that aren’t sexually active and aren’t masturbating .
First off, your self esteem and validation should have nothing to do with your partner’s sex drive.
Views on adult content is a part of sexual compatibility. At this point, you need to have an honest conversation and figure out if your views are compatible or not.
It would help if you could articulate what you don’t like about adult content and discuss what you are and are not comfortable with. You have to let him express his opinion on this even if you don’t agree with it.
For me personally, I care about actual connection, so my partner or me watching porn is okay because there is no real connection, it’s just a masturbation aide. It wouldn’t be okay if we watched sexual content made by someone we knew in real life. If we knew someone who made OF in real life (which we don’t) that would be off limits.
Our other rule is if we are going to masturbate, we check in with the other first to see if they want sex. So that adult content doesn’t negatively impact our sex life. This is something we discussed and agreed on.
I’d be concerned with someone who was viewing adult content at work. That seems unnecessarily risky to me. He should be able to control his porn usage so it’s at more appropriate times.
These are conversations you should have early in the relationship. Don’t assume other people have the same opinion and boundaries on adult content as you do.
Unless you are Mormon, being shocked at a 23 year old guy have an interest in porn is shocking and naive.
He’s gooning all day that’s why his hands are soft
Porn is quite normal for adults. How he partakes is what needs to be a concern. How often? Is he spending money? Etc…
I don’t think that’s an addiction. This sounds completely normal. Except for the fact that he’s dating a 19 year old…
Why would you want to watch porn on a lunch break at work. Wouldn’t you get the urge to rub one out.
This happened to me (21F) with my recent husband (22M). We’ve been together for 6 years, and I just found out about his porn addiction a month before our wedding, which was 9 months ago. Please message me. I know exactly how you feel, and I have resources that have helped me SO much. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, too.
Honestly, this is a serious problem because of the compulsion, and I think you’re too young to be sacrificing your youth to this kind of problem.
At a minimum, I think you should talk to a therapist who could help you sort out what isn’t isn’t yours in this situation. You could end up spending years trying to solve his problem when you really need to be paying attention to yourself and your own growth.
I had a boyfriend who hid ugly (violent) porn usage from me until I figured out he was hiding something. When I found out what he was hiding, I was never able to feel the same way about him again and we broke up not long after. As a SA survivor, it was too upsetting to know that he was getting off on the crime that was committed on me.
You only have his words as to what he’s looking at.
I believe if you set a boundary, you’re allowed to walk away if he breaks it. I understand that many people are okay with the concept that “most men watch porn”. But you’re allowed to not want that in a relationship. And you CAN find a man that won’t watch Porn.
Adjacently if he has an issue with not watching other women while in a relationship, he is also free to leave.
I don’t understand when people call a boundary an insecurity. For me it’s more about respect. I understand I am attractive and there are other attractive people. I understand my husband has eyes. But I also know he can control them and I personally believe he shouldn’t want to think about other women sexually when he’s with me. And he doesn’t. Our relationship is working out fine.
People have different beliefs and that’s okay. Just find someone that aligns with what you believe sweetheart.
Can this really be considered as porn though? He’s looking up people on fb who wear lingerie or who dance…does he know these people or are they just strangers? If it was just porn why feel ashamed?
I’d feel embarrassed and ashamed if I got caught looking up people I know or know of on fb for sexual gratification by my partner but I personally would only feel a little embarrassed if I got caught looking up porn before laughing it off with them ya know.
Something just doesn’t seem right here idk
I will say it’s probably due to your mental state. There’s nothing wrong with him looking at other females and liking what he sees. He’s a man, that’s what men do and it’s completely normal. There’s no need for you to not trust him as he was open and honest about him looking up these things, just because your partner likes other females body, it doesn’t mean he loves you any less or any less attracted to you. Hell I have a favorite porn channel that I watch time to time and yet I am still attracted to other men who don’t look like the one in the videos. Like I said it’s completely normal, you’ll only have to start worrying if he no longer wants to be sexual with you and starts to treat you entirely different than what he normally did. You need to love yourself before you love someone else.
Emily Ratajkowski got cheated on.
Jennifer Aniston got cheated on.
I say this because what he looks at online has absolutely no reflection on you at all. Men crave variety. It’s hard wired.
Go ahead and take that pressure off yourself. There is no one woman on the planet that is so perfect that (straight) men will simply stop looking at other women, no matter how much he loves you.
I’m NOT saying that women don’t also crave variety, and I’m not saying that monogamy is not possible. My comment is based on decades of friendships with men.
My husband and I have a porn positive relationship. We established early on that as long as our sex lire is regular and we both feel happy, solo masturbation and porn are fine. All that said, I’d feel weird if he was looking up normal attractive women on Facebook. Aren’t these women he knows? I’m a bit confused. Or is he just following sexual pages? Either way people will minimize your experience cause porn doesn’t have to be a big deal, but your feelings are real and valid. I would have been crushed at your age, and it doesn’t mean you’re being childish. These feelings are real, and if you want a porn/sexual Instagram free relationship that is your right to set that boundary. Now you just have to decide if you can move on from this with him or not. Neither way is wrong or bad. This is how dating goes until you find your person. Someone will align with your ideals. Your ideals may change as you grow. He’s having compulsions that he hid from you, and that’s a red flag for me.
Perhaps become more attractive, desirable, and exciting? Or just leave him and find someone else.
My partner and I both mid forties look at porn regularly together and apart. Unless your man is into some depraved sexual weirdness then who cares? Let him look, neither of you should feel badly at this age. Explore!
If the porn viewing begins to interfere with normal life ie a true addiction, then he needs help and you need to roll.
But in general at this age you’re talking about, fuck yeah! Look around, explore, check out some kinky stuff. Find what you like the most!
I’ve got two hot takes for you. These are general statements that does apply here, and I mean this as respectful as possible:
I hate that you’re hurting, but this is the perfect opportunity to build a foundation in yourself. Build confidence in YOU and the things you’ve accomplished. YOUR skills, YOUR beliefs, YOUR dreams and goals.
I’ve noticed in a lot of hetero couplings that porn is a hot button issue for these exact reasons. Sexual attraction to others doesn’t cease to exist because you’re in a relationship. Sex drives don’t just magically sync with each other. Most importantly, I want you to understand this, people can have more than one type. Just because he finds other types attractive doesn’t mean he doesn’t find YOU attractive.
Now, with all that said, he’s completely wrong here. Open honest communication is the greatest and strongest foundation in any relationship. This is something he should’ve communicated early on.
Also, the first sentence took me out. You’re 19, he’s 23, and y’all been dating for 2 years? Sooo you were 17 and he was 21….I don’t like that 😬👀
Soooo you were 17 and he was 21. That’s the start of the problem.
As someone who is currently in therapy dealing with a porn addiction, I do have some resources and insight.
There’s a book my therapist recommended that helps explain the addictive cycle: Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. Understanding the addiction can not only help him take necessary steps, but help you know how to support him while he overcomes it.
That compulsiveness he feels is almost like a trance. It feels like you’re not in control and you easily lose track of time and nothing exists outside of the screen
Him watching porn has nothing to do with your relationship or you at all. It can be difficult to process because it is a sexual addiction, but what he watches doesn’t reflect on you at all.
On top of all of this, he does need to find a therapist and I would recommend you find one as well to heal from the damage to your self image.
I hope this helps, and any further questions don’t be afraid to ask
So to recap, a 21 year old sex addict was dating a 17 year old…. Dude come on. Have some self awareness
A lot of you really missed the whole point of the post.😅
The problem isn’t just that it’s just porn. He told her he’s searching up porn every lunch break and anytime she’s not home. That’s an addiction and also something he hid from her. Porn usage is something that needs to be talked about in any relationship. She’s not playing house she’s finding out for the first time that people are damaged and will hide the things they’re afraid of showing even to the people they love.
A lot of people are anti porn for various reasons and there’s nothing wrong with that. Especially when it’s not just looking at random body parts of people it’s searching up specific women over and over that look nothing like you. I’d feel like wow I’m clearly not what you’re into sexually so why am I hear? All of this comes down to figuring out your sexual compatibility. She wants to be his be all end all idea of a woman, she may or may not like or have been exposed to porn usage in general. These are things that are important and need to be talked about in a healthy relationship. Maybe porn could have been something she’s okay with but he took away her ability to explore that with her partner in a healthy way.
I’m 30 been there done that and also would be extremely unhappy in this situation. Porn addiction is real and all her feelings are valid.
Truthfully. Most men are way too oversexed especially at that age. Most women will not want to constantly have sex with them. I see pornography as an honest man’s way of staying loyal. Relief himself to a video or go get his needs met elsewhere. Count your blessings. You may be able to keep up but as you stay together longer your mind won’t keep up..
Look i don’t mean to be insensitive but you’re overreacting to this tells me that there is probably some deeper issues here. We look at pornography like it’s some degenerate behavior because that’s what we were taught to think. But the truth is that we all have certain fantasies, etc. You can continuously deny them or if your a responsible adult find some kind of an outlet. Now if he is addicted to it I can understand your concern. Too much of anything can become problematic. FYI he doesn’t watch it because he’s not attracted to you. I’ll give you an example. I like to watch it because it gives me a lot of ideas on how to keep my marriage exciting.a few years ago I asked my wife to dress up for me. She obliged. And our sex life has never been better. And sure I watch it because it does excite me, but it’s not because I don’t find my wife hot. Now that’s just my experience. My best advice is talk to him about it. Sounds like he does love you.and that’s worth something.
listen, yall were 17 and 21 when you got together according to the post being 19 and 23 and yall being together 2 yrs. imma put this as lightly as i can, you should have never been in this relationship. your “boyfriend” was a grown man praying on a child. on top of that almost every single man i know watches porn on a regular basis weather they are in a relationship or not. it’s an upsetting thing to most women. they think because they’re s/o watches porn of say skinny blonde girls or asian girls or something and they’re the exact opposite of that they tend to think they’re s/o no longer finds them attractive when in reality that isn’t always the case. sometimes it is but most times it isn’t. but my point stands you are a child still and as hurtful as it may be to hear/read you do not seem have the emotional capability to be in the relationship. i’d say find someone closer to your own age range 19-21 or better yet take some time to be by yourself, being single at a young age isn’t a bad thing it will give you time to both heal and hopefully realize that your self worth shouldn’t be tied to somebody else. you’ll never be happy with someone else if you aren’t happy with yourself first.
The comments here are mostly cringe.
This isn’t pornography, these are women on social media sites (cam girls) that are most likely being fed to him because of his algorithm, which speaks to how often he partakes.
Watching this crap on a lunch break at his JOB is unhealthy. Guess what—functional alcoholics are still alcoholics, and this guy is barely functioning as a cam girl addict if he can’t separate work and fun. It’s unprofessional, disrespectful, and can have ramifications if he is caught.
Not only do the majority of men watch porn, but so do women. Sexuality is primal you cannot stop it. Monogamy is a sacrifice and a commitment, not a natural way of being. He probably only framed it as an addiction for one and/or two reasons: he knows you’ll view it in a negative light so he instinctively did the same to protect himself….also if he watches that much he’s probably into some gay/trans stuff. Doesn’t mean he’s gay, doesn’t mean he wants another partner, just means he’s human
Don’t worry about it. They’re nobody. You’re you. He’s with you.
Him watching porn has nothing to with you. This entire thing is not a you problem. It has to do with him and him alone.
Pornography is an extreme stimulus for a person, thus it creates a bunch of dopamine in the brain.Thus, it can be addictive, and nowadays, it is so easily accessible that it has become revolting. Also after consuming a lot of pornographic content you slowly but steadily become desensitized to it. This leads the consumer into a downward spiral seeking either more content or more extreme type of content. Now about the ladies that take part in such pornographic content. As long as we men find the female actor sexy, we’ll watch it. Now, does that mean we want a partner that looks like that ? No, we do not. Do we want to perform acts like the ones depicted on such movies ? No, we do not, or if we do want to try something we saw, we want to try it with our partner.
On the relationship aspect, yes, pornograpy addiction can create a huge strain. As stated above, it desensitizes the brain to sexual content, thus finding it harder to enjoy adult time with our partner. Is this the partner’s fault ? Absolutely not.
My advice on this: Speak with your partner. Tell him to look up porn addiction, symptoms and causes. Porn, while enjoyable on moderation can only cause huge troubles. Tell him to help himself now before it is to late and assist him in any way you see fit. Psychotherapy and online support groups are a great way to start and there is no shame in asking for help.
And for the last time. His porn addiction has NOTHING to do with you. It is NOT a you problem.
Hope this helps.
The porn stuff started in 6th grade — why would you think this has anything to do with you? You need better boundaries, and he needs a pro.
as a girl that had an age gap relationship at 19….please leave 🥺 You’ll grow SO much better if you aren’t living with men. I promise you. I have so much trauma from living with boyfriends before the age of 25
I’m not sure if he’s got an addiction or if there is simply no space in the relationship to talk about these things, so he freaked out and was overly fawning and apologetic. In general, most young men look at porn fairly regularly, unless they are having sex regularly. It’s available (it’s have of the internet) so they’re going to incorporate it into masturbation. That’s something for him to figure out on his own, but sometimes the hyper-reaction to these types of things allows no easy solution to present itself. For instance, if you’re comfortable, perhaps this could be an opportunity to talk about sexuality and intimacy and propose exciting plans that you both can share in the bedroom. Sometimes dudes just don’t know that their fantasies are also shared by their partner, but broaching the topic is scary because it could backfire. 🤷🏽♂️ who knows?
There’s no reason for you to feel bad or insecure about yourself. It has nothing to do with you (unless you’re just not interested in sexual intimacy). I’d get a counselor to speak with you both and sort through it. It’s not as scary as it seems. If it turns out he’s got an addiction and can’t stop, I’d move on and let him work through that on his own.
I’m sorry, are you saying that you think videos of women dancing in lingerie qualifies as porn?
I had something similar happen. But I found it rather than him coming clean to me. We’ve been together 4 years and he said he was done the first time I found out. Then lied to me for another 2 ish years about doing it. At the very least your partner had to courage to come clean and explain how he feels about it and you. I think it’s true that this content is pushed on male profiles across socials. But yes it does come down to how it’s responded to. I felt and still feel less about myself but I’m getting better but I need space, a lot of it now. Just know you were never the problem. He just has one. He said it himself it’s been going on since he was pubescent so obviously it’s been an addiction for a while. You’ve been together a while and you can decide whenever if you think rebuilding that trust is worth it or not. You’ll figure it out girly <3
As someone who was in this exact relationship from age 21 (I am now 27), you should leave now.
I stayed for six years, I just broke it off three weeks ago, and it never got better. No matter how much I tried to help him go to sex addicts anonymous/therapy/literally anything, nothing changed.
Your low self esteem will turn to low self respect very soon.
If he doesn’t get himself into a programme or therapy asap, it’s a lost cause. My ex was a fantastic partner in all other aspects, but his addiction was a monster that got worse and worse and made him do and say awful things. Things he regrets but can’t take back.
Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to about this.
Thank God I don’t have an immature, sensitive woman like this. My porn usage is my business. My girls porn usage is her business. I don’t care one bit. More important things to worry about
Is Shock the name of a new porn?
This reeks of insecurity and jealousy.
This doesn’t seem like an addiction. He got caught and he’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear. A 23 year old dude watching porn is about as normal as you can get. So typical.
I’m not trying to come down on you, but I’m just not feeling like he’s really done anything wrong or transgressed against you.
I TRULY wish humanity wasn’t so uptight about sex and sexuality.
Damn judging off the replies he shouldn’t have opened up to you and you’d both continue to be happy. Or maybe help him overcome the addiction and help him seek therapy.
Reddit is crazy, it’s okay that he opened up to you. It’s the first sign showing that he wants to stop.
He hid it because he’s ashamed, as he said. He has to want to fix it and find the underlying cause (it’s not you or your attractiveness).
You can’t fix it.
The frequency of your bf watching porn does sound unhealthy and is a habit he should work to curb (maybe he should even take a break from social media entirely for a while since his algorithm is geared towards capturing his attention with it). I do think the fact that he looks at porn/sensual images of women who don’t look like you is not a particularly big deal. That being a big self-esteem hit for you is a bit of an overreaction and, like others have said, is likely more due to you being young and needing to mature on a personal level and gain more self-esteem than anything being wrong with the porn he is consuming inherently.
Multiple women with different hair, body types, skin colors, etc. can be attractive at the same time. Almost no men have exclusively one “type” of woman they are attracted to. Personally, I tend to consume porn that has actresses that are very different from my SO, mostly because I view my SO in a way that is intimate, romantic, etc. while porn, for the most part, is pretty explicitly not intimate and not romantic, so it would feel weird to imagine my SO in place of the actresses in porn outside of maybe getting ideas for positions or other new things to propose trying. People will have differing perspectives on this of course, but I don’t think I am alone in this regard and I do have a healthy relationship sexually and romantically.
I suppose there could be issues with the profiles he is seeking out to titillate himself with if they are of women he knows IRL, as that could indicate he is “looking for other options,” but if they are just random accounts of Instagram/OF models or other women posting hot photos that the public can view and he uses those to get off, I don’t really see the difference between doing that and looking up porn on a porn site, besides for the content generally being a lot more tame on regular social media. Most men consume porn at least occasionally, so you’re going to be really hard pressed to find one that doesn’t if you leave your current bf because of that.
You can choose to break things off if this bothers you that badly, but I wouldn’t assume he is lying about caring about you just because he has a porn addiction. If anything, you can get ideas for how to spice things up between the two of you by seeing what kind of stuff he consumes. Like if he is getting off by seeing lots of women posting lingerie photos, why not get some lingerie and show them off to him? You don’t have to take all of this knowledge badly and can instead use it to strengthen your relationship or spice it up in fun ways.
First, his porn addiction is entirely his deal. It doesn’t have to do with you.
Second, if you want to be with this person. I’d suggest getting them into a program for addiction or therapy even.
Good luck.
I’m just stuck on the 21 year old dating a 17 year old.