I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and for context this is very much unplanned pregnancy lol.
Before I got pregnant I was already living with my mom, it’s pretty much just me and her. she’s nice enough to allow me to occupy a guest room for the nursery and use two bedrooms in our house (one is a nursery, the other is my room lol) me and my mom have our issues but I do like being at home in my own room and I feel comfortable at home. However the problem comes because my mom has recently started drinking which is concerning my child’s father…
my baby is currently breeched so it’s looking like I will be needing a C-section and the recovery I know can be tough and is obviously recommended to have help while recovering and with my mom drinking again. She might not be reliable for me when he’s not there… ( he’s not allowed to stay over.)
I also have told him some past trauma about her drinking. But I don’t think she’s anywhere near that deep end point…I know my mom and I know she would never intentionally hurt me and the baby. I’m not even planning on leaving him alone with her l’ll be home…so I still rather be in postpartum at home. Then at his house, he lives in a DIY studio apartment that his parents made him on top of their garage. There’s no good air ventilation in there and it gets really hot in there in the summer. Plus like his entire family practically live in that house. His parents, his grandparents, his sister and her kid plus, my best friend (his sister) and a couple cousins so it’s a full house already, I feel like it’s going to overstimulate me more then help me. Plus I have suspicions my boyfriend is not truly going to let me recover for 6 weeks and I know he would just get so pissy with me if denied him.
I told him all of this and he got so mad at me and told me. I’m already refusing his family’s help and that I’m choosing to recover alone is because I’m being controlling over my son which isn’t true? I still plan on them seeing the baby all of time. Everyone I have talked too told me l should listen to him and recover their, But I want to create routine for my baby and I feel like he would get that better at my so AlTA?
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Backup of the post’s body: I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and for context this is very much unplanned pregnancy lol.
Before I got pregnant I was already living with my mom, it’s pretty much just me and her. she’s nice enough to allow me to occupy a guest room for the nursery and use two bedrooms in our house (one is a nursery, the other is my room lol) me and my mom have our issues but I do like being at home in my own room and I feel comfortable at home. However the problem comes because my mom has recently started drinking which is concerning my child’s father…
my baby is currently breeched so it’s looking like I will be needing a C-section and the recovery I know can be tough and is obviously recommended to have help while recovering and with my mom drinking again. She might not be reliable for me when he’s not there… ( he’s not allowed to stay over.)
I also have told him some past trauma about her drinking. But I don’t think she’s anywhere near that deep end point…I know my mom and I know she would never intentionally hurt me and the baby. I’m not even planning on leaving him alone with her l’ll be home…so I still rather be in postpartum at home. Then at his house, he lives in a DIY studio apartment that his parents made him on top of their garage. There’s no good air ventilation in there and it gets really hot in there in the summer. Plus like his entire family practically live in that house. His parents, his grandparents, his sister and her kid plus, my best friend (his sister) and a couple cousins so it’s a full house already, I feel like it’s going to overstimulate me more then help me. Plus I have suspicions my boyfriend is not truly going to let me recover for 6 weeks and I know he would just get so pissy with me if denied him.
I told him all of this and he got so mad at me and told me. I’m already refusing his family’s help and that I’m choosing to recover alone is because I’m being controlling over my son which isn’t true? I still plan on them seeing the baby all of time. Everyone I have talked too told me l should listen to him and recover their, But I want to create routine for my baby and I feel like he would get that better at my so AlTA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
How old are you both
yea that’s what they all say till the drunk do something unthinkable to the baby.
You should be where you and the baby are most comfortable. He can always come over and help you then go home. Maybe your mom can relax the rules about him staying over. I don’t know the problem with him staying over but it’s silly since you are having a child together.
You can always discuss these issues with her and tell her it’s very important she lay off the drinking while you may need immediate help. Tell her baby’s father is putting pressure on you to stay there.
Your best friend and their mom (and his grandmother) can all come over and help if you (and they) want them to do that.
Congratulations on the baby. I hope you have an easy time now and postpartum. One more thing: tell him he’s creating stress on you when you do not need it. He needs to understand your comfort and needs come first right now.
Stay at your mom’s!
He’s your boyfriend, not your husband. And the thought that he would be “pissy” if you deny him sex is a giant waving red flag. A man who gets “pissy” about not having access to your body for sex after a Caesarian is not a good guy.
If you’re only 15, let your mom help you resist the pressure about moving in with BF. She can simply say “No, you aren’t moving.” That’s one thing moms are good for, telling other people you aren’t allowed to do things. You’ve made the smart decision.
I’m supposing you feel In love with your BF but that’s not a reason to live with him, especially if he’s pushy about using your body for sex. That’s what it means for him to be “pissy”; he’s not concerned with your age, your health, or your comfort. He wants his pleasure. That’s a very bad sign in a relationship with a boy or man.
If your mom is working, maybe BF’s family can come over to help you out. Figure out what your mom is comfortable with in terms of having people over–maybe one person at a time for a few hours? I agree with her–BF should not be sleeping over with you at your age. And the other grandparents can’t just waltz into your home and take over. So be mindful of people who bulldoze your boundaries.
Other people your age have had babies. You’ll be fine if you listen to that voice inside you that’s saying you’re better off at your mom’s. You can get help raising the baby and set good boundaries around that, but you as a person would get lost in that house full of people who have their own interests in the baby, not you. Let your mom take the lead here. Tell her you worry about the drinking and tell her you need her to be sober to help you raise the kiddo and get into a position to support yourself. You have a lot of growing to do yourself, and that won’t happen if you are just “baby’s mom” in someone else’s house.
Meanwhile, once you and your mom are on the same page about getting help from BF’s family after the baby’s born, talk to them about what you need and what the boundaries are. BF should be paying child support to help with diapers and such. Do not move in with him until you finish school and unless he’s willing to get married and can pay for an apartment and the baby’s needs. My guess is that won’t be anytime soon.
The next step is finishing school and getting your diploma and making plans for a job or career. Get on very secure birth control. Don’t have another baby until you finish school, have gotten married, and this baby is kindergarten. At that point, you will be 21 and in a position to make solid decisions.
Hun you need to stay at your moms. He can come over & help & so can others.
No! Do not move into his place.
Put him on support early on because he sounds selfish
You’re a baby having a baby. At 15 you are better off at your mother’s house. Bringing a newborn into such a crowded environment is not good. Also it is worrisome that you don’t trust that your BF will let you recover properly before initiating sexual activity. It’s important for you to heal properly and I suggest some form of birth control be put in place before doing so. If you don’t, you will get pregnant again real soon.
You are young but about to grow up real soon. Your priorities should be your child first and then anyone else including your BF. He needs to step up and provide for his child. Life will not get easier for you. I wish you luck.
I’m surprised you are with him he so much older than you. Stay with your mom.
Do not go over there. Do not go over there. Please, do not go over there.
Generational poverty at work here.
Break the cycle, girl.
Finish school (find a place with daycare — baby does not stay alone with your mom EVER), get a job and plan to support this child on your own as though there is no boyfriend to contribute because chances are good there won’t be one before long. (Yes, make sure you file for child support, but live like you won’t get it.)
NEVER move in with his family., and sorry to put it so bluntly, but keep your knees together and stop having sex until you’re an adult and can provide a proper home for any kids you might create.
I assume adoption is out of the question?
You have no business having a child, give it up for adoption. You probably have no job, no house, no car and obviously no money. Your bf isn’t allowed at your house and you both live at home. How old are you, more reason to give it up for adoption.
Ugh. You’re 15 and you planned this pregnancy?!?! Please give him up for adoption, and wait until you are stable all on your own before you even think about planning another one.
Edit: I really can’t believe how selfish you are. Planning a pregnancy, forcing this situation on your mom (regardless of her drinking, she’s an adult and can drink if she wants). You have absolutely nothing going for you, and yet you CHOSE to impose your wishes of nothingness on an innocent baby.
Edit (again): ignore my statement that OP planned this pregnancy, I misread her post, and I understand it was an UNplanned pregnancy.
After this baby is born, keep that man out of your pants unless you want Irish twins. Stay at home with your mom and focus on making a life for yourself and your child. Finish school. Go to college and decenter men from your life for a while because look at the mess yours got you into.
Why can’t he stay at your mom’s house and care for you there?
NTA – his house sounds like a nightmare. Honey, have you considered adoption?
You are a teenager with multiple red flags waving from him, his family and yours.
No where you have stated is really safe for you or your infant.
Sometimes an open adoption really is much better for the child to be safe and grow up happy. An open adoption can be where you see the child occasionally and they know why they were given to another family. That’s what love is, to really look around and decide what is the best place for your baby.
An older man knocked you up, I’m guessing pressured you into sex in the first place, where no condoms and no birth control were thought of. He will continue to pressure you even during recovery, you don’t have a dad, your mom has an alcohol problem, this is just poverty and generational trauma that will keep going until someone stops it.
How are you supposed to continue your education with an infant? How are you supposed to work? If you live in the USA they are doing everything they can to reduce government support systems for moms and infants.
Really really think about your life and during your next appointment talk to your doctor and really think about what is best for your baby. Do you want your baby to live the life you have lived so far?
Protect you and your babies health. You don’t need multiple disturbing your rest and kissing a newborn!! You have a comfortable set up in your home. If you need help beyond your mother, bf can help. Stop complaining to your bf about your mom, he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to filter between a complaining, hormonal, teenager and a truly dangerous situation.
Do not move out. Stay at your moms unless it is actually dangerous.
He still has time to flip over, he may not stay breeched. But you shouldn’t be raising a baby in a home with an alcoholic. She may not want or mean to harm you or your baby, but she very well could!!!! If the dad calls CPS, they’ll take the baby away. You need to grow up right now & put your kid first! IT’S LITERALLY YOUR JOB TO PROTECT THAT BABY & PUT HIM FIRST!!!!!!!!
And not let you recover for 6 weeks?!?!?!? So you already predict he’s gonna rape you?!?!??! WTFFFF
man’s mad you won’t cram into his cousin-packed attic while recovering from surgery? that’s not support, that’s a red flag parade
Stay with your mom where you have a room and a separate room for your baby. Recovering from a c-section is difficult, but not impossible. Talk to your Ob-GYN on the strict guidelines but you will be fine.
Your bigger concern is down the road though. You are very young and the obstacles ahead will be many and massive. Don’t start it by giving up what is good for your child just to accommodate some insecure man. Your one and only concern is raising your baby. Stop considering things that will make that harder to do.
As the child’s mother, and having surgery just to bring your child into this world, the six weeks after birth will not only be about your baby—it’s also about your recovery. And, because of that, you get to choose the hows and when’s & where’s for your own comfort.
I’m so sorry. You really seem like you’re stuck in an impossible situation. Either dealing with PTSD from your mom or being sexually abused by your boyfriend. You’ve been tremendously failed by the adults in your life. I would choose the devil I knew and stay at my mom’s house