The story: I am engaged right now and set to be married in March of 2026. My fiancée and I had our own apartment and life was good. We decided to move back to her mom’s place to save some money for the wedding and the house (although I tried to convince otherwise).
I personally never liked her mother that much. At first she just seemed loud and obnoxious but harmless. Since moving in it’s been pure torture. Yelling at us for using the fridge, the trash, the shower, trying to go cook dinner, etc. constantly tells us how she gave up her whole life to let us live there (she WILLINGLY moved clothes out of a spare closet for us). The latest thing has been her screaming at my fiancée that everything is her fault. That I now think she’s a crazy person because my fiancée makes her go out to be a crazy person. She also says that my fiancée is the one that makes this place not fun and her mom only wants to have fun. I have found her being crazy well before that, but she is the queen at manipulating my fiancée (who is very innocent and easily harmed by this). The icing on the cake is she’s the type of MiL that will ruin a vacation if you don’t do what she wants, do every suggestion she makes, or cater to her every need. Overall she’s just a very miserable and negative person.
The tough part, my fiancée has lost her father many years ago and clings to what family she has left. I have hinted the idea that she’s not good for her mental health. She understands that her mom manipulates her, but she just puts up with it cause it’s her mom and she’s really all she has left in her family.
But I don’t want ANYTHING to do with her. We have an apartment lined up and deposit down for August so there’s an end in sight there. But it goes further for me. I don’t want her at my wedding, I don’t want her helping to raise my kids. I just don’t want her miserable negativity in my life. I have told my fiancée something needs to give with her and the only response is “I know”. Any help or advice? I’m trying to be as positive and suppress my feelings towards her but it’s every day there’s an issue with us being in her life lol.
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Your fiancee desperately needs therapy and I wouldn’t marry her until she does it and you see actual change. She’s stuck in the FOG (fear obligation guilt) and nothing will improve until she takes the necessary steps to get out of it.
Therapy. Therapy. Therapy
I have a mother like that. Im NC. It takes time and its a choice your fiance has to make. My husband felt very similar to you but never wanted to tell me how he felt. Finally, our wedding was his “enough” moment.
But I would definitely suggest couples Therapy and Therapy for your fiance.
Wow. That’s a lot. Your fiancé needs support and if she isn’t open to therapy then get her books. I can’t imagine being berated day in and day out.
Your job is to show her she deserves better and guide her into realizing how toxic this situation is and that what her mom is doing, is going to destroy her happiness.
Get out ASAP. August can’t come soon enough. You’re stuck in this limbo, biting your tongue for your fiancée’s sake. Have a serious talk with her about setting boundaries with her mom or accepting that you’ll have to deal with this toxic person long-term. Your call.
I would rather get married at city hall and live in a rat infested basement than be in your situation.
Your MIL sounds toxic and controlling. The real problem is your fiancée not setting boundaries. Moving out in August is good, but she has to choose to protect your future or keep letting her mom mess things up. You’re right to want distance, your peace depends on it.
You’re in a tough spot with a toxic MIL who manipulates your fiancée but is her only family. It’s good you have a move-out plan, hold onto that. Support your fiancée gently, but set firm boundaries after you move. Protect your future marriage and family from her negativity. It’s okay to limit contact if needed. How are you handling things day-to-day?
It sounds like some counselling might be needed to help your fiancée with her self esteem as well as the issue of her mother’s manipulation and bullying.
Your fiance is being and, probably has been for a long time, emotionally abused. It is very hard to change that dynamic without support. Encourage her to get out. Her well being is more important than saving money. She needs therapy to break the cycle. Good luck!
I think if you don’t like someone, you shouldn’t live with them. It’s always going to take everything you hate about them, and ramp it up 100.
I also think if you are trying to break free from a toxic relationship, the first step is physical distance. You are putting the cart before the horse by debating with your partner on your future relationship with MIL. Get out of the house, then see what actually remains of the relationship. If your partner is still allowing her mom to walk all over her, then that is a problem, and something you should address in therapy before you even think of getting married. But if your partner is able to maintain reasonable boundaries once she is no longer relying upon her mother for the roof over her head, then maybe things are better than they feel now, trapped in a house with this monster.