Not really sure where to put this and just needed some support. Can’t really talk to my family about this as they are quite conservative but I’ve always tried to be accepting towards my friends who are bi or gay.
Earlier today I (M19) hooked up with a man I had met on reddit. I seem to get stuck in this cycle where I don’t find men romantically attractive or even sexually attractive however I fantasise about a homosexual experience so I thought “fuck it” and went to meet this guy. No disrespect to him he was sweet for the most part but the whole time I wasn’t horny at all? I lost my erection several times and I pretty much didn’t enjoy it but I finished and immediately got swept over by a wave of regret and shame. It’s probably worth mentioning that it was unprotected too but I tried my best to check his std status and have no reason to believe he lied.
My stomach hurt so bad afterwards which I believe is psychosocial and I walked all 60minutes home hanging my head in shame and calling my friend. I was never really popular with women but in high school when I did have straight sexual experiences, I always found myself to be super into it and still think about them to this day and this was nothing like that. I think it’s a loneliness thing and I have struggled with masturbation addiction for several years but I really am starting to hate being in this state of limbo and confusion. Am I going crazy? I genuinely am not sure who I am anymore.
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Planned Parenthood: emergency contraception: If you’ve had unprotected sex, you may be able to take EC (“the morning-after pill” or Plan B) up to 3 days afterwards to potentially prevent pregnancy.
“The Guide to Getting it On”: A very comprehensive book about all aspects of sexual health, including the fun stuff! Easy to read and a very helpful resource.
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craziest thing I read this morning but bru where u find someone on reddit? Is there a dating page jus curious? Not putting ur idea down at all jus curious and I’m sorry u felt that thst sucks I felt the same after an escort 🙁
Sounds like this has less to do with your sexual orientation and more to do with the situation of a hook up. Anonymous/one night stand etc hook ups aren’t for everyone. What about going on a dating site and trying for a relationship? I know you said your parents would not be supportive but would they know who you were dating? It seems like you need more from the person than just sex – which is quite normal! So perhaps try building up and having a friendship or courtship with someone before sex.
Also please always wear a condom. Until you’re in a monogamous relationship. You don’t want to get some kind of STD at this age – or ever really.
Be kind to yourself.
It sounds like you have a lot of conflicted feelings.
Take a beat. Give yourself some love.
Then see if maybe you’d be more comfortable going on a date with a guy. Rather than a hookup.
it seems like you’re in a rush and want a definite answer on your sexuality very quickly.
that kind of stuff can be hard to figure out or understand, especially at that age. allow your brain the time to figure it out?
that last few lines of your post are quite worrying. do you feel like you need some help? is there any way you can talk to someone about this? therapy could help you put things in perspective and get more clarity.
You’re on a journey right now dude, maybe he just wasn’t your type.
Maybe you just want a lady that will give you some attention in the back garden.
You will figure out what feels best with time, don’t rush it. Our person shows up sometimes when we least expect them too.
It sounds like you tried to make a fantasy into reality, and now you’re realizing there can be a difference. No shame in experimenting! How else would you have known that you prefer the fantasy of homosexual sex more than the reality? To each their own.
*please please pleeeease wrap it up next time no matter what kind of sex you’re having. Please.
I’m a bi guy, so, little bit of insight.
I felt really weird after my first experience with a guy. Internalized homophobia is a thing that can mess you up.
That being said, you’re 19, so you might not be sure who you are and that’s normal. Just relax, it doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to.