Should I stick through with my relationship after my girlfriend (21F) decided to wait until marriage?
Throwaway account
TL/DR: Me (23M) and my girlfriend (22F) have been together for 6 months now. We’ve been away from each other for some time now. During this time away she has decided suddenly she wants to wait until marriage for sex. I’m unsure if this is something I can do.
When we first got together, I was aware she was a virgin (and hasn’t been in a relationship before) and she was aware that I have had multiple sexual experiences prior to her. Since it was her first, I was willing to take things extremely slow since I didn’t want to rush her into anything she wasn’t ready for. She also comes from a religious background and because of that has had the ideology installed in her that she should never have pre marital sex.
Long story short, we did have it, and over the course of the next 4-5 months we had it a lot. The first time we did I was hesitant because I didn’t feel comfortable as it wasn’t just a religious choice but a personal choice that she made, but shortly after we got together she went back on her word she made to her self and decided herself that she wanted to engage in it. Note that at that point, I was fully confident in myself that I would be able to wait until marriage.
Now she recently left for a trip overseas back to her home country. This is where she grew up until 2 years ago. She went back to her family in a religious area and she’s been there for the past month and a half. I was afraid this shift back to what she knew might change the relationship, but I didn’t know to what extent
2 things happened while she was gone… 1) We broke up for a short bit, after she voiced her concerns that I haven’t been emotionally available to her. She felt that we should take a break and remain as friends to strengthen our bond and eventually get together, however she was also clear that she still wanted a relationship with me. After some space from talking together and a lot of conversation we voiced our concerns and got back together, and I promised to do better.
Now the most recent thing… She mentioned she had something she wanted to talk about when she was back from her trip, but after asking to talk about it now, she told me she wanted to wait until marriage to have sex again. In the moment, because I love her and was willing to before we had it, I told her I was ok with that. However I very quickly realized that this is a huge decision to make on both of our parts and I didn’t want to tell her something if I can promise it. So the following day, I had another conversation with her and she explained further.
She said that she felt guilty and viewed sex as something sacred to her. She also said sometimes after a while of us having sex it lost value to her since it didn’t feel “sacred” to her as much. She made it clear that she wants to feel that we’re making love, not just doing the action. She said that she wouldn’t mind reducing the sex to special occasions, but she preferred if we stopped all together and waited until marriage. It’s important to note that she would be the one who usually asks me for sex.
Now this is where I’m at now. I’m conflicted, I don’t want to commit to something I can’t promise her, however i did see a future with her as she is the one I want to marry. Now however, I’m unsure about the constant changes she’s making to our relationship while being away, unsure about if I’m able to wait as we already had it once, and unsure if I should stick it through or leave.
I also can’t shake the feeling that these changes and difficulties in our relationship when we haven’t been together may be causing some doubts in her mind, because as a person I realized she functions off of positive reinforcement and time spent together.
Men and women of reddit, I would love some help and thoughts about this because I don’t want to make a decision I will regret later. Thanks
Comments
I’m out. It’s never going to be what you need. 6 months is nothing in the time of your life. Walk away.
As someone who grew up in a deeply religious purity culture:
Her family/friends shamed her into changing her mind. Their hold on her is something you need to take seriously, and if she isn’t willing to stand up to them then they will rule your marriage, too
Her guilt will continue even after marriage. There’s no magical switch that flips on the wedding night. She will continue to feel dirty/unspecial/devalued until she goes to a sex therapist to unravel her religious guilt
Closing down the sexual part of a relationship after it’s already been established is a HUGE stressor. You are both going to feel like shit if you go through with this. Your mind and body are used to the status quo, and shutting that down will make you feel unloved, frustrated, and unheard. It may be survivable if you’re planning on marrying soonish, but a couple months and you will absolutely be feeling it. There’s a huge difference between relationships that wait and relationships that DON’T wait and then try to half-ass celibacy
This is a recipe for disaster and you have all the ingredients lined up.
I’ll tell you this
I was in a relationship with no penetrative sex for 4 years. We lived together for 2 of those. We broke up a month after we got engaged
Nothing is going to magically changed just because you are married. Yeah the chances of it changing may be higher, but that next week, month, or even year is going to randomly bring about her wanting to have sex with you. I’m 24 now. We split up a year ago at this point.
So take it from someone who was already in that position and went through absolutely hell in more ways than one. If you do not agree, do not continue. It’s not your duty to oblige to something like that unless you absolutely, seriously want to. I felt that way and look how it ended.
Also, the biggest reason we split up was because of that. No cheating, we barely fought, she was my other half. But I couldn’t muster up possibly marrying a woman who may not ever want to have sex because of her beliefs
Umm so your needs and values are way more important to hers? Do you not know how to have a relationship without having sex? Dinners and movies a day mountain climbing day trips that don’t end up in the bed? You shouldn’t even be having 6 only 6 months in. Watch some videos about becoming a gentleman without pushing the if you love me you will let me have sex.
So let me get this straight. She initiated and consistently engaged in intimacy, fully aware of her values and background. Then she takes a trip, returns, and suddenly – without warning – you both break up briefly, and not long after, she reverses her stance on topic entirely?
First, ask yourself: were you truly emotionally unavailable, or was that a convenient narrative during distance? Did you even get the chance to work through it before she made a unilateral call that changes the whole dynamic?
That’s the issue here, in my opinion – a complete shift in values without conversation. It doesn’t feel like mutual growth; it feels like someone else’s expectations dropped on your relationship. At best, it’s confusing. At worst, it’s laying the groundwork for detachment while keeping you around “just in case.”
Trust and communication are the backbone of any lasting relationship – without those, I wouldn’t stay. If decisions this big come without shared understanding, that’s a deal-breaker. I’d make that clear: this isn’t how I build relationships. If this continues without clarity, I’m out – not out of anger, but out of self-respect.