TIFU //Well, it all started Friday night at the gym.
This blonde, super fit girl with a bodybuilder-type physique came up to me and my boyfriend. First, she technically spoke to me, but her words were clearly aimed at him. She said something like I should be lifting heavier during sumo squats. My boyfriend doesn’t really get how sneaky and manipulative women can be when they want something. So he didn’t notice anything weird — but I did.
The girl casually offered her opinion (that nobody asked for, by the way), saying:
“You’re so strong, you should be going heavier.”
I told her I had cramps and wasn’t pushing too hard that day, but that I was doing progressive overload, just like my boyfriend (pointing to him) taught me. She had zero reason to be there, she just showed up out of nowhere to use me as an excuse to strike up a convo with him.
Quick pause for context:
My boyfriend is this super hot, fit, tan brazilian guy (M27), and I (F26) am more like your typical nerd — glasses, braces, 160cm, 71kg (chubby for my frame), with facial asymmetry due to micrognathia and muscle underdevelopment on one side. So yeah, my face isn’t exactly “pretty.” He calls me bunny in a sweet way because of my big eyes and buck teeth.
*coming back *
At the gym, we’re not always close together, but we exchange quick kisses and stuff. And this chick was definitely around when we were doing one of those quick kisses — there’s no way she didn’t see it.
Then she started talking to him about the massage chair at the gym, blah blah. I barely finished my set and already gave him that Nine-Tails awakening glare (yup, Naruto reference) like let’s go do cardio NOW. She didn’t say goodbye to me, just flashed a huge smile at him.
My boyfriend thought she was just a personal trainer or something. He had no clue she was hitting on him. I explained how women flirt when they’re being shady, and while he seemed thoughtful, he still didn’t fully believe me.
That’s where the TIFU really begins.
I bet him that if he walked to the parking garage alone while I left first, she’d go after him. And… guess what? She did. I was out of sight but still close enough to hear them talking — for way too long. And that’s when I started boiling with rage. That conversation was giving me a massive trigger. I walked up to him with fire in my eyes, furious about this whole mess I created myself. We went home, and he comforted me a bit, saying things like:
“You know you’re the one I chose to be with, right?”
Later he left, saying he felt weird and needed to process things.
Next morning (Saturday) he came over and woke me up with kisses, knowing I hadn’t slept well. We had breakfast and talked. The girl had asked for his Instagram the night before — and he gave her one he barely uses (which I don’t have access to). I asked if he followed her back, and he showed me he didn’t. Cool. But the little insecure voice in my head kept poking me with stupid questions like:
“Would you give her a chance if you were single?”
“Did you think she was pretty?”
“Do you think I’m prettier than her?”
I didn’t ask any of those. I knew he’d answer honestly — and I didn’t want to self-sabotage. But I’m super expressive, and he could tell I had more on my mind. I told him I wasn’t sure how to ask, and eventually explained I did have more questions, but didn’t want to ask them because I didn’t want to spiral.
We eventually started talking about promise rings. He said he likes simple, discreet ones. And I, once again, TIFU by joking:
“Oh, so our relationship has to be discreet too? Like a secret?”
He laughed it off and we kept chatting. He went to lie down, and I started making food ‘cause I knew he’d get hungry. When he woke up to the table set, we ate and talked a bit more. Then he started acting weird again. I brought up a podcast I was watching — some scientist talking about tech and social media. He mentioned that he really only uses his phone for WhatsApp and one other app. And once again, I messed up:
“Then just delete Instagram.”
He got quiet. I explained that I only said it because he barely uses his phone, but the vibe totally shifted. I tried going back to the podcast topic, but he closed his eyes and kinda tuned me out. He had been complaining about acid reflux, so I took that as a sign to just be quiet.
We went to lie down, and I apologized for the comment about the rings. He didn’t say anything. Eventually I asked if he was upset, and he said:
“Maybe… I don’t know.”
Things got heavy. I told him we couldn’t just leave it like that, that we needed to talk. He said he felt anxious and uncomfortable, and needed to go home to clear his head. I asked if that meant things were changing between us. At first he said no… but then he added:
“Only time will tell.”
He kissed me on the cheek, didn’t look me in the eye, and left.
That’s it. If anyone has advice (and please don’t just say therapy — I know that one already), I’m open to hearing it.
TL;DR and I dont know what to to fix this mess I’ve maded, any advice?
Comments
I don’t have a direct answer for you, but if you have any doubts or if you get any inclination that there’s a possibility of something happening…. trust is hard to keep if you’re not certain about your relationship. Don’t waste time in your life because of a sunken cost fallacy and don’t minimize how you feel
You’re punishing him for your insecurity and in doing so, you’re pushing him away. You gave us this whole disclaimer about your looks to “justify” your insecurity, but the real problem is not your looks- it’s the fact that you dislike yourself so much you can trust that anyone likes you.
This is a dialectical behavioral therapy/acceptance and commitment therapy type issue. I think you should take a hard look at how your self-reflection is impacting your behavior towards others. Even if they had become friends, let alone exchanged Instagrams, he’s your boyfriend. As he said, you’re the one he chose to be with- imagine if the genders in this story were reversed, how the advice might be framed!
Wow, this is tough. We all know ow you should have just left it alone. Now you made a mountain out of a molehill. You need to know ow what he is thinking. Maybe he likes the girl and is tempted but is trying not to be interested. Maybe he feels bad cause he knows you’re right and he didn’t know what she was up to. Maybe he feels awkward going to the gym now because of her. Maybe he is gonna give it a go with her and is ashamed to be around you. Maybe he is afraid to tell you that he is leaving you for her. There are a million scenarios that you can dream up and you’ll focus on the worst case. You need to apologize for making a big deal out of her talking to him and then ask him what he is thinking. Let him know that you just want an honest conversation. You’ll have to figure it out together. Then stop being jealous and don’t do this stuff anymore. He is with you for a reason.
Are you in a mess? You’re in therapy and this showed you that you don’t feel secure in this relationship so it’s probably not the time to talk about promise rings. That’s good information to know. You’re strong, you’re caring (you made food for your BF, you acknowledged his kindness in coming over when you slept poorly), and you aren’t getting the rock-solid support you need in a relationship to banish those little voices.
Imagine how this would have gone if instead of giving her his insta, he brushed her off and walked back to you to laugh about how you were right. Some women wouldn’t care about her bf chatting with someone they knew was hitting on them, but many would and that’s okay! It has nothing to do with looks, just what you’re looking for in a relationship.
You don’t have to justify your preferences or be passive aggressive. It’s not about being insecure but deciding what is comfortable for you regarding chatting, flirting, and apps – and then communicating that and seeing if your BF is on the same page.
The first sign of a relationship ending is when the kissing goes. That’s the breaking point where depending on how you react, you can still come back from, or it’s sadly permanent.
You need to give healthy space to him to process and let him come back at his own pace. In the meanwhile, focus on yourself. If you already understand that you have some insecurities, and dw we all do, work through them.
Don’t try to fix the relationship now, you will only really push him further away. Zero communication until he initiates and let him focus on increasing communication. Relationships are most harmonious when they are between two individuals sharing their lives. Try to focus on the individual part for now, and wait for him to come back in a few days. This does not mean he’s going to be chasing others or hooking up with others. But simply that he is overwhelmed by you right now, and he’s at that breaking point where he’s trying to figure out if staying with you is the correct thing or not for him. He’s not thinking about others. Give him healthy space. Let him miss you.