TIFU by peeing with the bathroom door open…

Alright, kids. Strap in because this one is a bit fucky— and if it reads like some Looney Toons shit, that’s because it is, and it felt as such while it was happening too, but mainly when it ended and the piss fog cleared.

I also just recovered from the chaos and am now sat down in the lovely aroma of Lavender Pinesol.

Anyway, this happened about an hour ago.

I went to go and pee, door open, no problem— but actually, slight problem.

My girlfriend and I own a (f/1) cat who has a knack for wandering into the bathroom and brushing against our legs while we’re on the shitter. She also likes to commit mischievous fuckery when we’re not around like digging up used Q-Tips and playing with them.

So, once again, I go to pee. I’m stood up, going about my business when Gracie— the cat— walks in and starts brushing against my legs per usual. Whatever. Could’ve done that at any point while I was cooking dinner earlier but hey. Alright.

Now I didn’t see this next bit coming— and this is where the cart flies off the rails.

To preface the impending chaos: Gracie has a water bowl that dispenses water, so she maintains no aversion to running streams— or at least that’s a deduction I’ve made irrelevant to pissing in a fucking toilet.

But she’s sitting by, watching as cats do, but doesn’t this fucking cat grab onto the rim of the toilet bowl and investigate my stream.

It was so sudden and so fast.

In a state of ‘oh fuck’, my leg bumps my already unsecured toilet— has a little shake to it— and the toilet lid falls shut— mid piss.

Somewhere between bumping my leg and the lid closing, I 1000% pee on Gracie for all of a split second before she bellows this disturbed meow and runs out of the bathroom.

But after that, it’s just piss to porcelain and paint. Everywhere. Between my inability to think straight and the unbridled chaos-spray, you’d think my penis was possessed by Disney writers.

Keep in mind, this is all on the downswing of my pee which lasted less than ten seconds, but oh my fucking god. It felt like I was going for an eternity— and I didn’t know what to do.

In the midst of panic, I didn’t want to touch the toilet lid because it had pee on it. I wasn’t going to piss in the sink because that’s where my girlfriend and I do our skin care and brush our teeth.

Well, suffice to say that after ruining the next toilet paper rolls in the queue and decking every conceivable surface in the washroom below waist-level, I finally decided to pee in the garbage bin.

And that’s it. And if you’re wondering why I didn’t just pinch it and finish after manning up and opening the lid: I wondered too, but I must emphasize how much I wasn’t thinking as the event unfolded.

Again: This story is actually less than ten seconds.

TL;DR – Went to pee, got startled, knocked my toilet lid shut, pissed on my cat, and decorated the floors.