as per the title, my boyfriend is having a sleepover with a girl friend of his. here’s all I know: she lives in Arizona, she’s visiting our state for a friends wedding, and they message on discord a lot.
my boyfriend has a lot of girl friends. it bothers me a little bit but not enough to be mad or anything. well, I didn’t know about this girl. he swears he’s told me about her but her name seriously isn’t ringing any bells. we’ve only been together for 6-7 months so it’s not like I heard about her years ago and just forgot.
anyway, he told me a few days ago that she’d be staying at his house so she can go to a wedding and he went on and on about how her boyfriend is mad at her for choosing to stay with another guy instead of getting a hotel/motel/airbnb. then he started bragging about how I wouldn’t care about stuff like that. I made it clear that it does bother me considering I don’t know her and both of my exes cheated on me with a girl friend of theirs. he then gets defensive and says I can’t compare him to my “bum ex boyfriends”.. which is fair. I also feel like it’s fair for me to be anxious. I haven’t yelled at him or anything about it so i’m confused as to why he’s so defensive about this girl staying with him unless something is going on that I don’t know about??
I guess I wanna know what other people think. he’s never given me a reason to think he’s cheating or has cheated other than getting super defensive about the whole thing. I just don’t know what to do 🙁
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Classic gaslighting on his side. Don’t play the cool girlfriend if it bothers you, and sit him down to talk.
I’m not sure I can be in a relationship with someone like that. I don’t think it’s fundamentally right to have another girl in his home. Doesn’t matter her sexuality or anything if that nature. I’m wondering if your boyfriend will be willing to have you and this friend meet.
Your concerns are valid, and so are the concerns of the girl’s bf. Your bf is trying to play the ‘cool girl game’ with you. ‘You’re so cool, you wouldn’t have a problem with it, right?’
That way he confuses you and makes you think not having an issue is ‘normal’. And if you do voice your valid concerns and say you are not okay with it, he makes you feel like you’re not open minded enough or are too insecure. In reality he is the one asking for something completely unreasonable in the first place.
No partner would put up with this. If this is a boundary for you, drop him. Not worth it for 6-7 months
He’s trying to convince you to play the cool girlfriend. Don’t do it. Having her stay the night should be a firm boundary, I highly doubt she even has a boyfriend. I mean, he can do whatever he wants, doesn’t mean you need to put up with it.
Have you asked him to ask her to stay over at your place?
Just a warning to you. This dude might be a cheater. For once I can understand have some old girl friend sleepover (only in special cases). But, to gaslight you straightaway was weird. Dude WANTS the sleepover. Speaking as a dude, if he was loyal, he would have tried other ways of sorting it out instead of gaslighting you.
If he isn’t a cheater then he isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship. And that’s me saying. I’m younger than him. (23m)
He’s dismissing your concerns and getting jar. She’s choosing to upset her boyfriend to stay with him. They both want to cheat. Your bf is being a jerk. He does not respect you. Please dump this guy.
That would be a dealbreaker for me. I’m not gonna date someone that has “sleepovers” at other peoples houses, or having them over to his.
This isn’t middle school. And yeah, that ain’t gonna fly.
The problem is that he tried to “get one over” on you.
What I mean is that, as he told you a girl (he probably actually didn’t tell you about before and he knows this) was staying over while he was also trying to dictate how you should be reacting, by using things like “you wouldn’t care” and wouldn’t “be upset” like her “mad jealous boyfriend”
He literally told you “if you respond anything like this girls BF you are wrong, insecure and on thin ice” even though that bf’s reaction to his gf spending the night at some dudes house is valid. (Probably this bf also only heard for the first time, about your bf’s house being his gf’s crash pad on this trip)
Your bf then got mad when you didn’t “take the hint” and reacted opposite to the dictated script he just gave you to follow during his rant.
If this was truly a longterm friend, her bf wouldn’t have that reaction either and your bf would have asked your opinion sooner and maybe even asked if you wanted to come and stay over so you could meet this girl and be around to see nothing is happening especially if he knows you have a history with relationships ending because of cheating.
You are right that his defensiveness is wrongly “to big” considering its a situation that is still avoidable, as he could still ask this girl to get a hotel, as her own bf would also prefer.
Communication is obviously down here, so it should get back up, at least so you can evaluate everything. Especially what you think about how much he respects you (or not) and see if how you are treated is what you want that longterm.
They are both willing to jeopardize their relationships to be together. ( if she truly has a bf)
You don’t know him long enough to see what kind of man he is. It may be awkward but did he offer you to stay with him when she comes So you can meet. You could also ask him to read their messages. you’ll see how they are together.
ask him how he’d feel and say if you spend the night with another man.
you are right to feel the way you do.
I would tell him you’re not comfortable with her staying with him, so he has two choices, she gets a hotel or you stay at his as well
Ask him to join that little sleepover and see his reaction. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
If you choose to get mixed up with a partner with lots of friends of the opposite sex, then you don’t get to complain when uncomfortable situations arise from those friends. You literally signed up for this.
Sleep over and he’s still your boyfriend!? wtf!? Time to dump him sis, he’s not the one if he thinks that’s ok
The chicks a nut for wanting to sleepover at the house of a dude she’s never met before who has a girlfriend.
Girl pleaseee do not let this slide . If shes able to spend the night you should be allowed to as well. She must be a good friend of his for her to stay over BUTTTTT your his gf so why not let both worlds collide?? I say propose the idea to him saying if shes staying over you would like to stay over as well and it shouldnt be an issue. IF he argues or tells you no. Then girl that is your sign to let him go, something is obviously going to go down.
This raises huge major red flags, however I think it would be almost a clever little moment to either suggest you stay over and join them (he’s SO RIGHT that you’re such a COOL GF that you have such little problem with them having a sleepover that you’ll just head over and join!) or like I’ve seen another person suggest maybe set a clear but firm boundary, “I’m going to be honest that I have no recollection at all of you telling me about this girl, and the way you’re telling me her boyfriend is upset about the fact she’s staying with you and you just assume I am completely fine with that worries me a lot. You didn’t talk with me or ask me if I was okay with it, you just assumed, and I’m honestly not okay with it at all actually. It worries me a girl I’ve never heard of or met is staying alone with you so suddenly. It makes me uncomfortable that her boyfriend has expressed being unhappy with the idea of her staying with you, yet she is trying to anyway still, that comes across as a really untrustworthy person that I don’t want to be alone with my boyfriend. All of this on top of the fact that you know I’ve had multiple exs cheat on me with their female friends, and because you chose to just assume I’d be okay with something that truthfully most people would not be okay with at all. She will either stay overnight with me during her time here in town, I will join the two of you at your place for the duration of her visit, or I am going to go ahead and end the relationship right now. I’m not willing to compromise or budge on this, you only have those 3 choices to make, you’ve done enough to make me feel really disrespected in this relationship so if you care at all about keeping it please have a real conversation with me about it.”