My fiancé and I have been engaged for a year and a half, and our wedding day is just a few months away. So far, we’ve only paid a small deposit to secure our venue and catering, but half of the total invoice is due in a month.
From the beginning, I’ve had mixed feelings about having a big wedding. What started as a small guest list of around 40 people gradually grew to 60… then 80. We’ve joked about eloping more than once, but we’ve kept moving forward with planning the larger event.
Lately, though, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and unsure if this is what we really want. Between family drama and the financial strain, the whole thing is starting to feel unnecessary. My fiancé is working non-stop just to cover the upcoming payment, and we’re not receiving any financial help from our families.
I want to have an honest conversation with him—do we truly want this kind of wedding, or are we doing it out of obligation? My gut tells me that he may feel the same way but doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. The truth is, we don’t need a big wedding. I believe our families would understand and be just as happy with something smaller and more meaningful.
I’m just not sure how to start that conversation. Do you have any advice on how to approach it gently but honestly?
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Backup of the post’s body: My fiancé and I have been engaged for a year and a half, and our wedding day is just a few months away. So far, we’ve only paid a small deposit to secure our venue and catering, but half of the total invoice is due in a month.
From the beginning, I’ve had mixed feelings about having a big wedding. What started as a small guest list of around 40 people gradually grew to 60… then 80. We’ve joked about eloping more than once, but we’ve kept moving forward with planning the larger event.
Lately, though, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and unsure if this is what we really want. Between family dreams and the financial strain, the whole thing is starting to feel unnecessary. My fiancé is working non-stop just to cover the upcoming payment, and we’re not receiving any financial help from our families.
I want to have an honest conversation with him—do we truly want this kind of wedding, or are we doing it out of obligation? My gut tells me that he may feel the same way but doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. The truth is, we don’t need a big wedding. I believe our families would understand and be just as happy with something smaller and more meaningful.
I’m just not sure how to start that conversation. Do you have any advice on how to approach it gently but honestly?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Tell him that you love him and you see how hard he is working to pay for the wedding. That the harder he works, the more you have changed your priorities. You’d rather have a small elopement than watch him work himself to death for a party.
Then start the conversation about scaling back. Turning it into a backyard potluck type of thing.
“Hey I’ve been thinking about the wedding, and wanted your opinion. The idea of a large wedding is making me very anxious and like it’s about more than just us, when really our wedding should be about the two of us. Would it make more sense for us, financially, to elope with few family and friends and save the money for house deposit/honeymoon/insert any other shared plan. This is not to say i don’t want to marry you with pomp and fanfare. I just see how much stress you’re under and don’t think we need to put that much pressure on ourselves. Truthfully, id marry you under a bridge and it would still be the best day of my life because you’re my person.” And then hug.
This is a real simple conversation and if you’re getting married, you should be comfortable having. You should know what your fiance wants in a wedding or elopement by now, and if you don’t, what kind of wedding discussions did you have when you got engaged?
Just talk about it exactly how you asked us. Communication is key in any relationship – spouse, work, friends.. tell him how you feel. Maybe he thinks it’s what you want and is scared to disappoint you? Just talk it out. Love isn’t about how much your day costs 🫶🏼
Say something now before you get yourself in deeper
My wife and I eloped and spent 17k on a trip of a lifetime. Fraction of what we were going to pay for a huge wedding!
My wife and I had the same discussion when we were planning the wedding. We had the means, but we were talking for a long time if all of that money was worth one day of our lives. In the end, we decided to have a nice wedding, but without all the frills.
And at the very end, Covid hit, we could only have 10 guests. It was a little disappointing since we had planned for a smallish wedding already, but after we had the ceremony, and were officially hitched, I could not have felt happier.
We are divorced now, but that was truly the second best day of my life (the first was when she said YES to my proposal!!)
I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you are both in the same page, do what’s best for your future.
Suggest that you elope with the option of a small reception at some later date. Or elope and invite a small group over for a BBQ or something and say “Surprise! We’re married.”
Just tell him you want to elope with him. Men don’t want big weddings most of the time anyway. He is probably doing it all because he just wants to see you happy. You and him are all that matters. You can do a smaller family thing later if you want to. Just up and leave together after canceling the venue and all. Very romantic.
Have a small private ceremony and a day later a big home BBQ/potluck.
Wedding plans tend to take after the obligations we feel from our families. At the end of the day, it needs to be what you and your fiance want. Have a small intimate ceremony or elope and then have a backyard or hall party or whatever you both decide. I’m ordained, and I’ve married more friends in backyards or wherever their happy place is. You wont regret marrying your husband the way you both want, but you will regret all the drama and the big wedding if you do. Good luck!
Tell him you are overwhelmed with the expectations, and would like to scale back..
Don’t go into financial hardship and put your health at risk to make others happy. Put your foot down, downscale, and do what’s best for the both of you.
Best wishes
This is wedding is about you and your husband’s future, and celebrating your love. You two need to get back control. I think you two need to have a deep conversation, and agree to be a united front. You’re letting too many people have a say and it needs to stop now!
Have the conversation, ask him how he feels. I’m married 33 years, we did the medium wedding because my hubs wanted it, but the entire day was a blur. I’d have been happy just having something small. We paid for it too, but kept it unique and lo key as possible
If you’re getting married, you need to be able to talk about money. So say, “I think wedding expenses may be more than I want to pay. What do you think?”
I was in a bit of a similar situation for my wedding. I was stressed out of my mind with the planning, family drama, and just overall expectations associated with it. My now husband was working a bunch and it had such a strain. We ended up having the discussion of whether or not to cancel it. We went the other way where we decided to keep our wedding, but I honestly don’t think I would’ve felt secure in that decision without having the potential cancelation talk. I just started out by crying honestly, so anything you do will probably be better than my approach!
Also, while I will say our wedding was the best night of our lives, but we 100% would’ve had the best night of lives if we eloped. What matters is the both of you! If the reason you want a wedding is for friends and family (which was my reason) you can totally involve them in another way, such as a big party later on.
As long as you still want to get married. Tell him. Just say it. Like I would really rather have a smaller wedding and not spend so much money. Give a reason that he cares about. Saving money, seeing people, family dynamics. Whatever he already complains about.
Use that money for a house, if you don’t already own. Or towards a honeymoon. It is best to have this discussion now. I bet it will be a relief to your fiancé. So much money for one day.
Perfect response except i’d say I just see how hard you’re working instead of i see how much stress you’re under. just saying because she really is proud of him for doing that.
Marriage is by consensus
Two yeses or one no!
Your choice is wise financially
Just pull plug, elope.
Just think of all the things you both could afford for your new life if you didn’t spend all that money on something that lasts only one day.
We almost canceled our wedding 6 months ahead. My now husbands mom was literally driving me crazy about kids coming that I totally wanted to cancel. The reason I did not cancel was because I wanted to see my relatives. I do not regret my decision. But my mil asked me at the wedding if the kids could now come? I was beyond pissed. I told her to ask my mom. I still regret not tell her to fu. Maybe put boundaries in place now. Or cancel and do what you want. It’s one day of your life. Do what you really want to do. My mil just continued to harass me.
Say the idea of the big wedding isn’t making you happy and not what you want. That you want him not the show – and you would rather use that money for your future. Have a casual backyard bbq, maybe get from your favorite takeout places, or a potluck. You can also elope and just say to whoever you want – hey we are getting married here at x time – if you want come, if not we will have a casual party later on. You might want the party at the original date because people have planned already for it, but just make it relaxed and don’t spend so much. Chips, salsa, and a diy taco, burger, or sandwich bar can feed a lot of people cheap
You sound like a great couple Congratulations. Just have an honest conversation and ask what he thinks because really this is your day plan it the way that you want. You still have time to change it and just email or whatever you both decide and let everyone know. If people have a problem with it maybe they’ll ask if they can help or contribute to take the stress or financial burden off both of you.
Is there still a thing where either one side of the parents pay for the wedding? just asking
Liaten, I dont know if you can afford to pay outright, or if you may be incurring debt to have a big wedding, but I got married at a courthouse 20 years ago and have never regretted not starting our married life with a ton of debt for 1 day of our lives. Not for everyone, but there are many low cost alternatives out there! Good luck and congrats!
Sorry but 80 is not a big wedding had 235 people at mine. But it’s your wedding so you should have a say just don’t be mad when he says no since we are so close we are having the wedding 🤷♂️
He likely only wants the big wedding because you want the big wedding. Just tell him how you feel.
Just tell him it is not what you want. Blocked out noise from family and just communicate with your fiancé on what you want. You may be surprised you both want the same thing.
My wedding was getting out of hand and we had 14 people, including me and hubby. We were firm and we had a beautiful wedding hubby and I both enjoyed.
My advice is going to be pretty much the same as everyone else’s but that’s a good thing
Just tell him “hey this wedding is giving me serious anxiety and watching you work yourself to death to pay for it is killing me with guilt
How about we hit the courthouse on Saturday and just elope? We can do a big dinner afterwards and go on an amazing honeymoon with the money we’ve already saved?
I truly hope he is on board with this idea
My husband and I fucked off to Las Vegas by ourselves almost 19 years ago. ZERO REGRETS. DO IT. Don’t worry about disappointing others, the wedding is for UPU & HIM.
We got engaged and married fast. Didn’t see the point in a long engagement and faffing around. We had been together 4 years at that point.
We booked small and simple and then extended invitations to whoever we wanted to include. My parents were overseas so that minimized interference. A lot of other family were also overseas and not the sort to travel so that helped.
It never occurred to me to worry about other people’s expectations for our day. We just got on with it. It was good. A couple of minor attempts by my mother to be a PITA were swiftly cut off at the pass. Lol.
Talk to your fiance. They might surprise you.
My husband and I met outdoors at his favorite state park. The minister and his friend who took photos was there also. No one knew for a few years. It was perfect.
I think enough commenters said enough to help you start your convo. But I wanted to comment: I love this. You’re clearly about the actual marriage and not a big day to show off (to half of) people you won’t talk to in 10 years. You’re a green flag. Love it! Good luck!
I wish I had saved some money and eloped instead of giving into pressure to do the traditional wedding thing. Follow your gut there’s no point going broke and stressing yourselves out for a party that is supposed to be about you and your fiancée if it’s not what you really want.
“John, what do you think about saving our money toward <honeymoon/home/retirement> instead of a big wedding? The closer we get, the less I’m looking forward to it. We can elope at Lake Tahoe for about $1200. Doesn’t that sound nice?”
He may be relieved.
“We need to talk”
Tell him you want to travel to Colorado just the two of you and elope.
It requires zero witnesses, you don’t need anyone to officiate it.
My husband and I did this, said our vows to each other, hired an elopement photographer and it was the most beautiful day.
The best part? No one was invited so no one could be upset and we didn’t have to worry about a soul!
I’m sorry, is this not your day about the 2 of you?? Why are you trying to make others happy? If you want small or to elope, the stand up for what you want. It starts with having a conversation about what you really want. Don’t be afraid to tell others “no” & get a shiny spine for what you all want. Hugs & good luck.
We’ve been married for 28 years now. We had deposits put down on everything but canceled it all and got married at a Sandals resort in Jamaica instead. Since we already had our honeymoon planned at that resort, it was really simple to add the actual wedding to our package.
When we realized we were going through with a big, formal wedding for our families rather than ourselves, it wasn’t a difficult decision.
We had a much smaller than originally planned reception a couple of weeks after we returned so our friends and families who really wanted to were able to celebrate with us.
“Honey, I love you and have been thinking about the wedding. I feel like it has been spiraling out of control, and I hate having to see you work so much harder just to fund a giant party that’s more important to our families than to us.
“Can we go back to the original idea, but just elope so no one feels like they were left out? If it’s only our folks and the wedding party, no one has to feel offended or singled out.
“I want to start our marriage with less stress and more love. I feel like the love is getting lost as the guest list balloons. How do you feel about refocusing so it’s just about us again? I want to look forward to our wedding day, instead of dreading it.”
Are you able to have the same amount of people but a different setting? Like a bbq lunch/dinner. Usually you’ll only be surrounded by the people you love on two days of your life- when you marry and then when you die.
“ as we have this big payment coming up I’d like us to take a step back and make sure this is what we really want. I know that we originally wanted a much smaller wedding, and now it’s doubled… I think some of this his family pressure and the family doesn’t want to contribute. So let’s think about what we really want cause I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by all this.”
I can speak from experience on this, because I actually did just this.
Back in late 2023, were planning a 100 person church wedding. We’d already booked venue, catering, officiant, photography, started to collect decor items, but when it came to sending invites in January for our June wedding I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And then I started procrastinating all of our planning to-dos. It started to dawn on me that we were planning the wedding we thought we were supposed to have and not one we were actually going to have any fun at.
Once I realized this was the heart of my disinterest, I came up with an alternative. A micro elopement package in a nearby mountain town with 10 guests and dinner at a restaurant following the ceremony. We would lose some deposits but ultimately spend less in the long run.
And then I took my husband for a walk to bring it up. We have a dog together and our night time wanders are often a safe place for us to chat about harder topics. I don’t remember how exactly I started the conversation but I explained that I absolutely was certain about marrying him, but that I was less certain about the wedding we were planning and put my alternative on the table. I’m very lucky that he was actually completely aligned and booked a consultation on Friday with the micro elopement planner to get more information. From there, we took the upcoming weekend to talk with our families (the invited guests) and by Monday we had started canceling our original vendors.
Our wedding ended up expanding a little bit from the originally proposed 10 person guest list and restaurant idea to a 24 person guest list, ceremony in front of a refurbished train caboose and family style dinner in the forest. Our music was a YouTube music playlist of all our favourite songs as a couple and those that reminded us of our friends and family. We didn’t do speeches, didn’t do a first dance, only did a cake cutting cuz SOMEONE had to cut it anyway, no wedding party. We got drunk, way overspent on our liquor minimums (much to the caterers surprise – we did warn them haha) and danced under the stars in front of a freaking train.
Highly recommend having an honest conversation with your fiancé if this is something you’re even considering but come with an option, don’t just put it all back on them. You’ll build the wedding / elopement together that is absolutely perfect for the two of you ❤️
If you signed a contract and cancel aren’t you still obligated to pay everyone because they had it booked for you?
I think it shows maturity that you’re thinking of the bigger picture instead of only the wedding day. Most people say if they could have a do over they’d scale down and use the money for something more useful long term (housing, travel, family…)
My husband and I eloped after our guest list got out of hand and we realized we wouldn’t be getting any help financially. We spent $7k on a trip to Hawaii and got married on a private beach. It was incredible. Best decision ever.
Just say it, he’ll probably be relieved.
If you can, get hitched (elope) down to the courthouse or city hall, and then convert the big wedding into a nice celebratory dinner for only those few you originally thought of. It may mean you can save your deposit and apply it towards your rescaled shindig.
Read your contract for venue and catering —> be sure you know how much money you still legally owe if you cancel your event.
Also include your parents in the conversation —> the wedding might be a bigger deal to them than you realize and they could be willing to financially contribute toward it. You should at least communicate about your thoughts and get an idea on their thoughts too.
Good parents will support whatever the Bride & Groom want to do. 🩷💙
We got married with just our best friends as witnesses. We then threw a weekend party at a Manor House. 22 closest friends all staying at the manor and they paid a hit to stay which covered half that cost. We had a one day party for the wider family of 60 on the Saturday. Cost us less than 10 grand for everything and had a full three day send it wi the a murder mystery dinner night on Friday. Dj and food all day Saturday and chill bbq and beers Sunday. Was epic and wouldn’t do it any other way. My mum cried that she wasn’t invited to the actual wedding but other than that no one cared. It’s a fucking game changer
If you can’t figure out how to communicate over wedding finances, you’re not ready to be married. Definitely talk to him ASAP.
A roof over your head and food in the freezer will outlast any big wedding.