Yall are TORN. Thank you some for the honesty and some for the kind words. Update: I asked Emily for a coffee this morning to apologize. We met and I started off with saying I was sorry for making it personal and making a comment about her appearance and I would be really hurt if someone did that to me. Then went in to explain how her comment about addiction being a choice is really uneducated and offensive. She said “thanks for apologizing, but my dad is an alcoholic and he chose alcohol over my mom and I. I would just never do that.”
I tried to explain to her that her dad got to a point where he didn’t have a choice anymore he had a disease. And he probably felt shame everyday for it. And I’m sorry that you didn’t get what you needed as a kid or now. He probably didn’t either and that’s why he found a way to cope, just like I did. She said she understands now and why she copes with food sometimes. I gave her props because food addiction can be so challenging because you can’t just stop eating unlike drugs where you don’t even have to be around them. We thanked each other. We shared more stories. We will remain friends and try to connect more. Thanks folks
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Backup of the post’s body: Yall are TORN. Thank you some for the honesty and some for the kind words. Update: I asked Emily for a coffee this morning to apologize. We met and I started off with saying I was sorry for making it personal and making a comment about her appearance and I would be really hurt if someone did that to me. Then went in to explain how her comment about addiction being a choice is really uneducated and offensive. She said “thanks for apologizing, but my dad is an alcoholic and he chose alcohol over my mom and I. I would just never do that.”
I tried to explain to her that her dad got to a point where he didn’t have a choice anymore he had a disease. And he probably felt shame everyday for it. And I’m sorry that you didn’t get what you needed as a kid or now. He probably didn’t either and that’s why he found a way to cope, just like I did. She said she understands now and why she copes with food sometimes. I gave her props because food addiction can be so challenging because you can’t just stop eating unlike drugs where you don’t even have to be around them. We thanked each other. We shared more stories. We will remain friends and try to connect more. Thanks folks
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Everyone in this story needs a lesson in empathy.
Have you ever loved an alcoholic? I have and he chose to drink. I’m also an ex addict and it was my choice. Just like it was my choice to stop.
The way you spoke to her is very condescending.
I hate the phrase “food addiction” and I hate that you think addiction is the same as being fat
It’s a good sentiment but you’re wrong. Her dad did have a choice and she shouldn’t have to try to sympathize with him for choosing to be absent because of his addiction.
Addiction is a choice, even if it’s a hard one.
She could learn more empathy but you definitely need to be more understanding. Not every addict is you and wants to get better. Some people enjoy what they’re doing to themselves.
You spoke out in an extremely offensive way instead of trying to educate her to begin with. But what’s worse is that her experience entitled her to feel negatively towards addiction and you basically told her that a person you have absolutely no connection or personal relationship with, feels a certain way when you couldn’t possibly know how he feels.
You not only shamed her for being bigger, you then told her to shove away her feelings of abandonment because in your mind addiction is a disease so it’s not his fault anymore.
Honestly, you should have left it at an apology and I hope she finds a better friend.
Edit to add: I’ve struggled with addiction as well. What I didn’t do is let myself believe that I never had a choice. As a matter of fact, I was hellbent on the fact that I had a choice. Was it extremely hard to quit? Hell yeah. Did I quit? Yes, I wanted to be better.
Is it necessary to get outside help sometimes if you can’t stop by yourself? Of course, and there is absolutely no problem with that. But there are so many ways you could stop if you truthfully wanted to. The fact of the matter is that when we’re in active addiction, we think it’s the best thing ever so why would we want to stop? But it’s a choice you make every time you pick up a bottle, or a pill, or a needle. It’s never an excuse to be a shitty person.
Addiction being a disease honestly doesn’t matter when the addicted abandon their children and hurt their friends and family.
It is a choice they made. Regardless of circumstances.
I also come from a family of addicts and I empathize with Emily but I also empathize with you. Seems like everyone is ignoring how you must of felt hearing that comment, and your close friends calling you out but not her knowing you lost your brother to addiction. You made a good analogy that showed her how daft her comment was and while maybe you weren’t the “bigger person” I don’t blame you.
I read your first post. This is so awesome!
You guys. Addiction is a disease that affects your ability to make wise choices.
Yes, everybody has free will (more or less), but our brain’s capacity to exercise good judgment when it comes to the addiction is COMPROMISED. Like, for life. Even after you stop using.
People who treat one addiction can develop a transfer addiction. People who are sober for decades can and do relapse all the time. People choose to stop eating, caring for their bodies, caring for themselves, for an addiction. They die for their addiction.
To me, that is not a bad person. That is a disease. Shaming people for their addiction only pushes them farther into addiction.
If an addict has hurt you, your pain is real. You don’t have to forgive or stay around that person. But addiction is not a choice for addicted people the way it is for non-addicted people. Their very ability to choose is fucked up. It’s like being mad at someone with dementia for losing their keys. Yes, they can cope and compensate to try to never misplace their keys, but their ability to do that in the first place is disrupted.
You could argue, the person with dementia didn’t choose to get dementia but the person with addiction chose to use. Well, it can happen to anybody, even you. And we all make choices in life that increase our propensity for injury or disease.
I highly recommend the video, “Pleasure Unwoven” by Dr. Kevin McCauley, for anyone looking to learn about the neuroscience of addiction.
Oh brother… I feel for you, I really do. I was raised by an addict and I love him to death but ohhhh brother.
You can’t dictate how every addict is. You are projecting and you have projected your experience onto Emily, who has her own experience with addiction via her father’s alcoholism. People, especially children, who are raised in that environment are victims. You can’t explain it away and you should not try to do so.
If you feel offended by her experience with addiction, own that feeling. I’m sure it hurt a lot and I’m sorry for that. Like I said, I love my father despite how horribly he failed me. And it is 100% a failure. Love and understanding doesn’t cover that up. Empathy doesn’t take away the disappointment and pain caused by addiction, particularly when you’re a child witnessing the damage it causes. It changes you on a fundamental level and you ought to be more empathetic to that fact for your own sake and your own experiences in your formative years.
Growing up in and around addiction is painful. You cannot center yourself in everyone’s experience with it. Rather than ask or educate yourself with Emily’s experience, you lashed out and then carried on with a patronizing conversation victimizing her father. I’m glad things are better now but try not to own the addiction experience too much. You aren’t the only one.
Im addicted to coke AND food. Kill me now.
This is why I don’t fuck with addicts, recovering or not. I am the first one to agree that addiction is a disease, it’s even been proven that it’s hereditary. However, that doesn’t excuse you from culpability. Isn’t literally the first step to getting clean to accept responsibility? You chose to get high, just like her dad chose to get drunk. You both likely hurt a lot of people with those decisions. At least her dad certainly did. I’m sure both of you did feel shame over those choices, as you should have. But this girl is a better person than me, because if someone said it wasn’t my alcoholic dads fault for being an alcoholic, I’d tell them to go to hell.
And also, I’d much rather be 200 pounds than a junkie 🤷🏽♀️
She should never talk to you again. You’ve shown you’re a malicious person who isn’t safe to be friends with.
And I also don’t want to be fat. I would just never say that to a fat person. Needlessly cruel.
Having the addictive gene isn’t a choice but using substances that you’re addicted to is a choice. Sincerely an alcoholic. This doesn’t take away from the fact it’s extremely hard to deal with and a disease but at some point in every addicts life you start choosing your addiction over everything else and you’re aware of it. Thinking you don’t have a choice in it is only comforting to people that don’t want accountability in destroying their own life.
Insert “Ok but that’s worse” meme.
Apologizing and then immediately pivoting to invalidating is wild.
In regards to the ‘my father is an alcoholic and chose to leave us’ thing, as a sober alcoholic, it’s both a choice and not. It’s way more nuanced than that.
Food and sugar addiction is just as real as any addiction to a drug and I wish more people understood that. There’s so much hurt when it comes to addiction for those afflicted and those who love them. I feel like the take on her dad is a common one and it’s fair for her to feel resentment. I think a big part in the recovery process for family and loved ones of addicts is the understanding that it is a disease and it’s up to them to get help. If they don’t, that’s their choice but they truly are not well. You can’t force anyone to get better and the shame will only push them deeper into that pit. They’re choosing a drug because they think they’re beyond help and it hurts less to live when numb.
The less deserving they feel of love and a good life combined with the way drugs fuck up our mentality and emotions… the less likely they are to put any sort of effort into themselves and to continue numbing. We need to stop dehumanizing addicts in any context. Show support when it’s safe for you to do so and remove yourself from the situation when it isn’t. But fuck. Stop mocking people for having different problems than you.
I’m not understanding that some of yall can’t realize for some people it’s a choice and for others they may WANT to quit but have tried in the past and failed and now h the in they can’t, or they’re trying and can’t stop that biological drive that’s making them want to. Withdrawal is hard and the body becomes accustomed to it, telling you that you NEED it, some people genuinely don’t think they can go get help cause it will make them weak, it’s stupid but they can’t get past that mental block. Just because for some people it’s a choice, doesn’t mean it is for everyone
“Thanks for apologizing, but my dad chose alcohol over me and my mom”
“🥺🥺 He got to a point where he didn’t have a choice anymore 🥺🥺 He had a disease 🥺🥺 He probably felt shame for it everyday 🥺🥺 I’m sorry you didn’t get what you needed as a kid 🥺🥺 He probably didn’t get what he needed as a kid either 🥺🥺 Thats why he found a way to cope 🥺🥺”
OP I’m sorry but that was literally so patronizing lmao. You don’t know her father
You’re a shit friend that gave a half assed apology. Crazy you used alcoholism as a justification why the dad cheated 🤣
I do understand. My family is all obese, and religious, and are super judgemental about anyone who drinks or smokes pot.
Girl her pain and what she went through is hers. It’s absolutely not your business to try to get her to change her mind about her father. This was not a true and genuine apology on your part. you still insist she admit that you’re right the way you think you’re owed. Which is selfish and self serving.
Updateme!
You were out of line bringing her father into it. You could have made your point just as well without shaming her into empathizing with someone who deeply hurt her.
Yikes all around.