Hello everybody, I 28F and my husband 28M are having our Church Wedding this summer. Pls beware this post is long. My brother in law contacted my husband to let him know he HAS to drop of from being BEST MAN, 3 months before the wedding, because his wife doesn’t thing is a good idea.
For context, me and my husband have a great relationship with each others family, my family is big, and we are pretty close, his family in the other hand is quite small and sometimes tend to be a little more distant, but not necessarily in a bad way mostly because the age gap. (His brother is mid 40’s and sister is 50’s).
My husband is very fond of his big brother, he practically was a father figure to him, since my husbands father walked out on him and his mom when he was about 7y/o. His brother moved a few states over a few years back but they talk a few days a week and we have visit him a few time through out the years.
Now, the problem. My husband comes home from work and I could immediately tell he is upset, he looks at me and tells me. “My brother is dropping out from the wedding, I have no Best Man”. I was so confused and asked why since this came out of nowhere, there was no previous argument or anything of that sort. My husband stated “He said his wife didn’t think it was a good idea since in her religion what we do is not right, and disrespectful to her.” HUH? From what I could gather what she was talking about was the Ceremony entrance, typically bridesmaids and groomsmen walk in together you can say as a “pair” and to her that was disrespectful to her marriage. (We are catholic, I’m not sure about her religion.)
For further context. 1. We are not going to do that, our ceremony is going to be short so no wedding party entrance. 2. My Maid of honors are my 2 younger sisters, bridesmaids are my brother’s wife, my best friend and our niece (his sister’s daughter). His side includes, his brother, my two younger brothers and two of his best friends. She was upset that I didn’t send a Bridesmaid box to her along with my brother in law’s Best Man proposal box. I choose the closest people to me, and she is not. We are all courteous when we visit, but she doesn’t have a relationship with anybody. From what I know about her, she is very toxic, gets upset when brother in law calls his family, she threatens to take his daughters from him, and the marriage is very transactional, he stays for his daughters, he has mentioned this before. His brother is upset but he stated he can’t risk loosing his daughters so he decided to cave in. My husband is sad that that his brother wont be there, but he understands his brothers decision.
Last details. My husband believes nothing good will come from her attending our wedding, he is hurt that his brother is living in fear with a person he doesn’t love, and every day distancing more and more from family. He decided to let his brother know his wife is no longer invited. He knew it was a risk, because this might mean his brother probably not coming AT ALL to the wedding. There is a lot more history and details about the interpersonal relationships and dynamics between all his family, but I only pointed out what I thought was relevant to the story. I agreed with the decision, but we want to know if our decision was too harsh?
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Backup of the post’s body: Hello everybody, I 28F and my husband 28M are having our Church Wedding this summer. Pls beware this post is long. My brother in law contacted my husband to let him know he HAS to drop of from being BEST MAN, 3 months before the wedding, because his wife doesn’t thing is a good idea.
For context, me and my husband have a great relationship with each others family, my family is big, and we are pretty close, his family in the other hand is quite small and sometimes tend to be a little more distant, but not necessarily in a bad way mostly because the age gap. (His brother is mid 40’s and sister is 50’s).
My husband is very fond of his big brother, he practically was a father figure to him, since my husbands father walked out on him and his mom when he was about 7y/o. His brother moved a few states over a few years back but they talk a few days a week and we have visit him a few time through out the years.
Now, the problem. My husband comes home from work and I could immediately tell he is upset, he looks at me and tells me. “My brother is dropping out from the wedding, I have no Best Man”. I was so confused and asked why since this came out of nowhere, there was no previous argument or anything of that sort. My husband stated “He said his wife didn’t think it was a good idea since in her religion what we do is not right, and disrespectful to her.” HUH? From what I could gather what she was talking about was the Ceremony entrance, typically bridesmaids and groomsmen walk in together you can say as a “pair” and to her that was disrespectful to her marriage. (We are catholic, I’m not sure about her religion.)
For further context. 1. We are not going to do that, our ceremony is going to be short so no wedding party entrance. 2. My Maid of honors are my 2 younger sisters, bridesmaids are my brother’s wife, my best friend and our niece (his sister’s daughter). His side includes, his brother, my two younger brothers and two of his best friends. She was upset that I didn’t send a Bridesmaid box to her along with my brother in law’s Best Man proposal box. I choose the closest people to me, and she is not. We are all courteous when we visit, but she doesn’t have a relationship with anybody. From what I know about her, she is very toxic, gets upset when brother in law calls his family, she threatens to take his daughters from him, and the marriage is very transactional, he stays for his daughters, he has mentioned this before. His brother is upset but he stated he can’t risk loosing his daughters so he decided to cave in. My husband is sad that that his brother wont be there, but he understands his brothers decision.
Last details. My husband believes nothing good will come from her attending our wedding, he is hurt that his brother is living in fear with a person he doesn’t love, and every day distancing more and more from family. He decided to let his brother know his wife is no longer invited. He knew it was a risk, because this might mean his brother probably not coming AT ALL to the wedding. There is a lot more history and details about the interpersonal relationships and dynamics between all his family, but I only pointed out what I thought was relevant to the story. I agreed with the decision, but we want to know if our decision was too harsh?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I say your decision is fair. Why should you invite unpleasant people that you don’t even like to your wedding?
If he loves his brother and doesn’t want to increase the divide, it is a poor decision to exclude the wife.
The proper response to someone saying they can’t be in the wedding party because of family issues is to be gracious and say “I am so sorry. Is there anything we can do to accommodate you so that you can still participate? If not, please come as a guest.”
Punishing the wife seems like you risk the brother not being able to come at all. The brother might be in an abusive marriage and you are making it hard for him to be able to come to the wedding.
It’s not a bad decision but as a brother he should be doing something else. He should be helping his brother getting out. You could start by finding him a lawyer that could guide him into divorcing without losing custody.
The Brother’s fault really. He refuses to push back on her behaviour and as a result will spend his marriage being controlled, by the time he eventually musters the courage to put her in her place (if he ever does) it’ll be too late, his relationship with your husband and everyone else will be beyond repair.
As for her religion that’s bollocks, you’re not in her religion and I doubt there’s anything in her religion that says she couldn’t participate in the event.
It really will be better if they don’t attend.
Ask your MIL. she’s been dealing with this for a while and probably knows how to deal with it better
“I looked up to you growing up; you are my big brother. But now I see you are so far under your wife’s thumb you can’t crawl out to support me on the most important day of my life. I am very disappointed. I hope you will get permission to attend our wedding, but please come alone as we do not want SIL’s negativity on our special day.”
She sounds like a narcissist. If not that then controlling or bitter of her own life. They’re not your problem’s, they are hers.
BIL needs to grow a backbone file for divorce and shared custody. She can’t just keep the kids away. This is a mess but not your mess 🤷🏾‍♀️
Tell the brother that he still has time to sue her for custody before the wedding. Make sure his girls are invited
His brother was never going to be allowed to attend anyway.
What is the ethnicity of the key players. You? Your husband? Your husband sister-in-law?
Personally I think you should still let the brother and his weirdo wife attend. Because your husband wants his brother there she’s a weirdo that’s it
I think it was a mistake to uninvite the soon-to-be sister-in-law. Her reasoning for asking her husband to drop out is asinine, immature and controlling – but that’s between them. Now, every single time there’s a family function, this will be sitting in the background. For years. And will now escalate. Just imagine the future family events and the additional drama that will come out of this.
The brother is in a crappy position – between a rock and a hard place. This will only make things worse. Re-invite her, paint a smile on the situation and do this because the brother needs this support. It won’t hurt you to have her (and their daughters) there, but it will cause further irreparable harm to the family dynamic for the duration of theirs and your marriages.
Your husband needs to have a frank talk with his brother. Tell his brother what he means to him through out his whole life and he can’t imagine going through this life event without him. Do it face to face.
Si I really didn’t want my dad’s wife at my wedding but I wanted my dad there. I had a talk with my dad beforehand asking that he and his wife need to be respectful to my mom or there is no invite. He agreed and she came. I didn’t engage either her, easy to do on that day, and kept the peace in my family. I was so busy and had so much fun that day, I didn’t let her bother me. He loves his brother, let her come but just move around like she’s not there and have a fun day.
That’s a brother problem. He has no backbone and refuses to stand up to his wife. She can’t “take his daughters away”. That’s why we have courts. How old are the daughters anyway? Old enough to vocalize to a judge?
Anyway, what you decide about inviting the wife is fine unless her not being there will impact your day worse that her coming. Your wedding is about you, not them and their weird dynamic.
He was right to cut her off from the wedding. His brother can come, but as a guest. If he doesn’t it’s his decision.
I my opinion it’s always better to cut toxic people from your life. Even if they are family members.
In all honesty, I think this is your husband’s problem, and he should be dealing with it himself. I’m not implying you don’t have a vested interest or that you’re interjecting yourself, because you’re not, you’ve been thrown into their pile of crap. Your husband has to deal with it, and clearly determine the potential outcome with your BIL.
The BIL is stuck in a relationship because he wants to protect his children. If he gets divorced more than likely she will get the majority of the custody. Depending on the kids she will probably try to turn them against him or just make life for him and the kids bad. He is stuck between a rock and a hard place. He probably wouldn’t make this decision if he didn’t think it would blow up in his face. Sucks
Oh, definitely uninvite her from the wedding. That is the very least you can do. She drew first blood.
Expect her to act out but you should be okay with that. As for the brother, anyone that can drop out of a wedding because his wife said to do so is not the family you though anyway.
Your SIL is choosing to blow up your wedding. She should not be there.
She wanted to be a bridesmaid and didn’t get picked. This isn’t about religion it’s about her pettiness.
Who needs the drama. My husband and I have been in wedding parties where they did do the walking down the aisle in pairs thing and we didn’t care that we weren’t paired up, my husband was actually our friends “man/maid of honor” and walked down the aisle with the grooms best man while I walked down with one of the grooms brothers lol. You walk, you stand for the ceremony, and go back to chilling with your own spouse for the reception in my experience at least.
I guess I’m going to be the one to zag a bit here. What’s the big deal if you replace the best man? You have 2 months to find a replacement. Of course she’s awful, and of course this is all nonsense, but this is not the night before where you’re scrambling. It definitely doesn’t say much about the Brother, but he’s the one who has to live with the awful woman. Do you really want him in the wedding party if it’s going to cause him to have to deal with her nonsense nonstop? I would have just replaced him and ignored the pair on the wedding day.
SIL is confusing “religion” with “tradition.” And even then, wedding traditions are pretty loose in today’s world.
ETA: Western wedding traditions, that is. The world is a very big place.
Sorry but she expected to be a bridesmaid at a wedding she won’t let her husband be the best man in and no one pointed that out to her….
One of you should have contacted the wife to ask her to explain exactly what the issue is. Surely that would be a perfectly normal thing to do seeing as it’s your wedding that’s the issue. This way if it’s a non-issue she wouldn’t have had a leg to stand on to stop him but now uninviting her means you might not even see his brother.
She also can’t just stop him seeing his children without cause, plus what are the chances that she’d actually go through with it..
Uninviting her might push him more into isolation.
BIL needs therapy.
This sounds like an episode of “Evil Lives Here”. BIL needs to divorce and get custody. She sounds unhinged.
lets play the long game; your husband wants his brother there. Have him do a reading. He doesnt walk with anyone and he can get ready with the groomsmen, be part of the wedding. Invite the wife. Have a couple of wranglers to keep her occupied and out of your hair. You will need at least two. You shouldnt have to do this for a grown woman but here we are.
Oh this reminds me my own ceremony. Best man had a toxic GF who hated me, my partner and my best friend and made that very clear prior to the wedding.
When we didn’t invite her, she was shocked. Like, why would you even want to come, there will be ten people and you already hate half of them.Â
I think not inviting her just gives her more ammunition to destroy your BIL’s relationship to the family.
BIL has to live with the knowledge that his wife drove a wedge between him and your fiancé (his brother). Not inviting her put you on the wrong foot.
What you do with family members married to toxic people is you keep the connection going as best you can. Invite the shrew to the wedding. Be super kind to BIL and any family members he brings. Enjoy your day.
This isn’t a matter of not rocking the boat. It’s that if your fiancĂ© loves his brother, he should keep that door wide open on his side so that when BIL is ready to leave this woman, he has family to support him and those kids.
Wait, you’re already married? This double wedding trend needs to go in the trash. You’re just asking for drama and more gifts. Stop that bullshit.Â
Tell BiL – We do not want to disrespect your wife’s religion.. so we think it’s best if we remove her from our guest list. We don’t want her to be upset during our wedding
Omg I’m so sorry. Your BIL is a horrible father. His staying “for his daughters” is him showing them that it’s ok to treat people the way their mom treats their dad, and that husbands/man are just supposed to take it. Ewewew. I’m so sorry for your husband, that his brother is so spineless as well, and that his nieces are being raised to be awful people.
Brother needs to talk to a lawyer and get us ducks in a row. Maybe if a lawyer assures him he won’t lose his kids then he will be willing to move on
NTA. So sorry you are going through this. However, you both now know, that as long as he is with his wife, he will never be there for you such as during illness or injury, etc. You now know where he stands and it’s not for you or your husband.
Don’t give them a second thought during your wedding and beyond. Best wishes!
“He decided to let his brother know his wife is no longer invited. He knew it was a risk, because this might mean his brother probably not coming AT ALL to the wedding.” .. this is no tar isk, this is a certainity.
NTA, he should remain in touch with his brother, however know that until they are divorce your fiancé will not see his brother again in person.
Not too harsh. If it’s against her religion, she probably shouldn’t attend. I’m lutheran and know not to partake in communion in the catholic church, for example.
I read something the other day that came to mind when I read your comment about feeling obligated to keep the peace- in other words being the bigger person. I would like to share it with you.
“The concept of being the “bigger person” is usually a control tactic as it is never issued to the perpetrators, only the victims. You are likely already a very mature, introspective, empathic, and compassionate person who thinks about how your actions affect others. Being the “bigger person” when used by bullies and enablers is code for: turn the other cheek, don’t speak out, and take this mistreatment passively. It only benefits the bully, not the victim – and places the burden on the victim to constantly “rise above” the harmful actions of others without addressing the harm.”