I know how it sounds but hear me out. I (25F) was at a dinner out with a group of 6 girls all around my age. I grew up with and am really close with three of the girls. I didn’t know the other two very well but they were close with my close friends. (They all went to college together). We were eating at a nice restaurant downtown in a city. Our table was up against a window and a homeless woman approached the window and was obviously on something or mentally ill. She waved at us and was saying something we couldn’t hear over the noise inside. Everyone just looked at each other, giggled, and ignored her. It was pretty chilly out and she looked cold. I got up and met her outside and handed her a couple of bucks and wished her well. When I got back to the table one of the girls I didn’t know that well, I’ll call her Emily, said “who just lets drugs take over their life? I would just never let myself get like that.”
I was fuming. I paused and looked at her.
For some backstory, Emily is the heaviest girl in the group. We are all different body types, I am not skinny, she is plus sized.
Also, I am a recovering drug addict. My brother was also a heroin addict and experienced homelessness a some point. He died of an overdose when I was 17. My family is full of addicts. I continued down that path and addiction had me in its grips. My friends at the table went to college, I went to rehab and got sober.
I said “yeah exactly, I would never let myself get over 200 pounds, just put the fork down am I right?” Everyone was silent. You could cut the tension with a knife. Emily looked at me clearly upset and explained how she had a thyroid issue and chronic fatigue syndrome and for some people it’s really hard to loose weight.
I said “well maybe that woman has an issue that we don’t know about.” And I left some cash for my food and left.
My friends I’m close to texted and said I was out of line and that Emily is super self conscious.
I feel bad for going low and hitting were it hurts but I just wanted them to get some perspective. I don’t think I owe Emily an apology before she apologizes. AITAH?
EDIT: everyone knew about me. We went out a week before and I explained the whole story to explain why I wasn’t drinking.
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Backup of the post’s body: I know how it sounds but hear me out. I (25F) was at a dinner out with a group of 6 girls all around my age. I grew up with and am really close with three of the girls. I didn’t know the other two very well but they were close with my close friends. (They all went to college together). We were eating at a nice restaurant downtown in a city. Our table was up against a window and a homeless woman approached the window and was obviously on something of mentally ill. She waved at us and was saying something we couldn’t hear over the noise inside. Everyone just looked at each other, giggled, and ignored her. It was pretty chilly out and she looked cold. I got up and met her outside and handed her a couple of bucks and wished her well. When I got back to the table one of the girls I didn’t know that well, I’ll call her Emily, said “who just lets drugs take over their life? I would just never let myself get like that.”
I was fuming. I paused and looked at her.
For some backstory, Emily is the heaviest girl in the group. We are all different body types, I am not skinny, she is plus sized.
Also, I am a recovering drug addict. My brother was also a heroin addict and experienced homelessness a some point. He died of an overdose when I was 17. My family is full of addicts. I continued down that path and addiction had me in its grips. My friends at the table went to college, I went to rehab and got sober.
I said “yeah exactly, I would never let myself get over 200 pounds, just put the fork down am I right?” Everyone was silent. You could cut the tension with a knife. Emily looked at me clearly upset and explained how she had a thyroid issue and chronic fatigue syndrome and for some people it’s really hard to loose weight.
I said “well maybe that woman has an issue that we don’t know about.” And I left some cash for my food and left.
My friends I’m close to texted and said I was out of line and that Emily is super self conscious.
I feel bad for going low and hitting were it hurts but I just wanted them to get some perspective. I don’t think I owe Emily an apology before she apologizes. AITAH?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
NTA. She has no idea what led that woman to being unhoused, just as no one seeing her as a stranger would know what led to her weight gain. I feel like if you’re going to throw a jab you should expect one back, and that’s all that happened here.
Yes, YTAH. You know that if you were vulnerable and told them your story they would have been sympathetic. You had an opportunity, and you chose violence.
ESH. Emily was ignorant but you could’ve explained your opposition to her opinion without calling out her weight.
INFO: Does she know about your history with substances?
I can understand where you’re coming from, but just like how not everyone may know about you and your family’s history with substances, you don’t necessarily know what her history with food has been. You could’ve made your point in a kinder way.
NTA. Emily can dish it but she can’t take it. She’s getting the same energy she puts out into the universe. Nature is healing.
ESH. I totally get it. But you could’ve nicely corrected her by saying “Well we don’t know what people are going through. Having empathy goes a long way” Rather than stooping just as low as her. Going after her body was pretty low. I understand that you were personally triggered. However that does not give you a right to go after someone’s looks.
ESH. You’re entire group sucked the moment you all laughed at an unhoused woman. Emily’s comments were uncalled for, but yours were equally as bad if not worse because you did it solely to spite her.
Uuuhhmmm hmmm. You’re both the AH? I hope your friends enlightened her to your past (even without details). I don’t think you need to apologize unless you WANT this person in your life. Or If she’s apologizes first it might be best to apologize at least for the low blow and maybe make a comment about how you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.
ESH. if a bit of heat takes you straight to fatphobia, youre always fatphobic.
and your friend clearly doesnt respect you or the struggles youve lived.
if the friendship is worth it, talk to her. tell her how youre sorry about what you said AND also you were really really hurt by what she said, and that maybe if she doesnt want people giving their fucked up opinions about her life, she shouldnt dish em out either.
ESH. Have you ever heard the phrase two wrongs don’t make a right? Surely you could have pointed out how insensitive her words were without fat shaming her.
Maybe she should have thought about that before opening her stupid ass mouth hole.
She dishes it out but can’t take it. Classic ☺️
Does nobody remind themselves to be a better person these days? Her comments were uncalled for, but so were yours- and yours were intentionally spiteful TO her. Nobody should have commented on the other woman, but that doesn’t make what you said/did any better.
NTA. If she wants to play the game, she’d better be ready to handle the consequences. You gave her an example of her own bullshit. Assuming, that is, that you only said what you did as an example and don’t actually believe that nonsense.
Addiction is so much more than “choice” and she really thought she could talk shit about a stranger AND something that’s super personal to you and your family, and everyone would just be ok with that?
So she made an off-hand comment about a homeless person and you took it personally and then personally attacked her.
Some life advice, just because someone in your vicinity says something, this doesn’t mean it always warrants a response. Her comment was insensitive to you but she was probably just making small talk about the situation. You then made it an issue when it didn’t need to be. It’s okay to disagree with people and be silent. You’ll live.
ESH. I understand why you reacted how you did, but it would’ve been just as effective to explain that her comments upset you, why they upset, then say “it would be like someone saying ‘I would never let myself get over 200 pounds. just put the fork down, am I right?” While your anger was justified, you could’ve handled it better.
Nta.
imma be the odd one out and say NTA, important to note she made that comment after giggling & you had gone outside and showed empathy and compassion to this women. instead of keeping quiet she doubled down and started talking negatively about her? It’s not your job to baby or explain basic kindness and empathy to other human beings. Like I said NTA but you did stoop down to her level. maybe she will think twice about making snap judgments about people next time ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Nta, she sounds like a mean bully. I don’t understand why she had to bring someone down when they were already struggling. You weren’t fat phobic, I think that you made an interesting parallel.
Nope, NTA. Fellow recovering addict here as well, and I’d have said the same damn thing. Addiction is a disease just like your thyroid issue, Miss Piggy.
One person’s ignorance does not excuse your cruelty.
I understand why you said what you did, and thank you for helping a homeless woman out.
You and Emily need to apologize to each other, her for her rude comment about drug addicts and you to her about her weight!
If she doesn’t do it first, you do it. Someone has to be the adult here.
I am afraid I would have said worse, so, I’m giving you a slight pass here. Making fun of homeless people is very low class!
She was making fun of someone with an addiction and you pointed out to her she also has one, but hers is more acceptable!
NTA. If she’s going to be an ass about difficulties someone is going through, she better be ready to take it if someone turns it back on her. She doesn’t know the woman’s personal story anymore than you knew about Emily’s. She needs to learn that judging people is shitty.
ESH. You cannot control other’s behavior, you can only control how you react to those behaviors. You stooped super low.
YTA.
You body shamed her, and you’re an arsehole for doing that. You could have calmly explained to her the issues around substance use disorder, but instead, you decided to be petty and cruel. You need to grow up and treat people better.
ESH
ESH
A a
NTA. Insensitive people never get it unless it’s suddenly about them (and even then it’s “different”).
This sub is full of examples where giving someone a taste of their own medicine is supported and celebrated.
But you’re on an American website where obesity is a way of life and people are super touchy about it and everything is considered fat phobic, so prepare yourself to get slammed.
Well. As long as you’re all loving and tolerant.
ESH. I get it. I say ESH because in all honesty, I would be an asshole in that moment too. I completely emphasize with where you’re coming from. You have every right to be fuming. She made a hateful, hurtful comment and because of your past circumstances, you made a hurtful comment back. She wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings but you were absolutely trying to hurt hers.
You lashed out at her and she has no clue how the two are connected. I see your edit that you had explained part of your history to her, but you also mentioned that you don’t know her. How can she be expected to know that would trigger you? Yes, it was shitty of her but you really come off as a bigger jerk.
If you want an apology, you need to apologize first and explain what set you off. I’m sure she’ll be much more willing to meet you halfway there and reconcile if you talk this out and apologize for seemingly coming at her out of left field.
She said what she said out of ignorance but you said what you said out of malice to her face.
Overcoming addiction doesn’t give you a pass to be an asshole and if you think it does then you will have more healing to do.
YTA.
How I would have handled it.
“Hey, so it’s important to remember that addiction is an illness just like any other disorder. It’s no one’s fault they are an addict no more than its someone’s fault for having diabetes, an eating disorder, ocd, anxiety, bipolar, or any other mental health issue. I think the take away is to be grateful we aren’t in her situation.”
That likely could have made her go “yeah you’re right, I shouldn’t have made my comment” or she would have be quiet.
You decided to just throw away any potential friendship with the people you don’t know while wanting to be right as your other friendship is likely ending.
You should apologize and explain how you lost control as you basically saw them as making fun of you. You are unlikely to get an opportunity to apologize in person to her. A phone call or message would be a good idea.
You need to work in not attacking people when they are ignorant. You will end up alone.
YTA- and you know it. I’m not going to waste a paragraph on explaining why. Cast no stone, you know?
Ngl, maybe it’s petty, but I think it was deserved. “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it” applies here imo.
im gonna go against the grain here and say thank you for standing up for a homeless drug addict.
i lived on skid row in LA for almost 6 years.
i am now 6 years clean. i still get people telling me how disgusting i am , im some kind of whore/ junkie , and i shouldnt have custody of my child (who i had after i got clean …?)
the stigma doesnt end for addicts. i just had a convo the other day on reddit with a recovering alcoholic who was being vilified in some comments.
i have no comment on rhe fat thing. i will probably get downvoted for that. i just wanted to say that me , a former meth addict and homeless woman, appreciates when people stand up for us. and i see you are a recovering addict as well , im so proud of you .<3
Going against the grain because I don’t go high:
NTA. She needed to hear that. If she didn’t know about you, she knows that wasn’t an ok thing to say. I have no thyroid and fatigue issues, I’m over 200 lbs and I’m the daughter of an addict. I know better than to say shit like that. Empathy is something ppl need more practice in, but good for you.
Don’t get too cocky my dear. I’m a skinny bitch myself but I am under no delusions that I could put on weight just like anyone else. All it takes is 1 injury, 1 devastating life event, 1 massive life-change, 1 hormonal health issues to knock a person out of their habits and the weight sneaks up on you, you don’t realise you are putting on weight until it’s too late.
I’m just really looking forward to a few years from now when you are morbidly obese yourself, due to life changes that are out of your control, and you bump into these people again and they all remember the night you screamed “I WILL NEVER LET MYSELF GET FAT”
YTA. Get over yourself, you are capable of getting fat and you most likely will at some point. Learn to love yourself, not your body size.
NTA . She fafo’d. She made cruel comments about a total stranger who is in far worse circumstances than herself. Homeless? How miserable a person does one need to be to punch down on someone who doesn’t even have a safe place to sleep at night?
Even with your return insult, she has a house and health insurance at the end of the day. She’ll be fine.
NTA.
Reddit really is double standards bc the same ppl saying you’re being insensitive wouldn’t bat an eye at a woman doing something similar to a mother in law or something (those stories where mother or sister in laws make comments about their bodies or way they raise their kids, etc, and the woman claps back).
People shouldn’t be nasty and making fun of an unhoused person is some low shit. Maybe your “friend” will learn to keep her mouth shut if she can’t handle what she dishes out 🤷🏾♀️
NTA. I have similar health issues she mentions, but Im not a flaming rude bitch. Maybe she should get that symptom checked. People don’t get to be mean and become free of consequences. She needed a taste of her own medicine.
ESH. You had that shit on the tip of your tongue.
“I went outside to take care of a poor, homeless, helpless woman, then I said a zinger and everybody clapped!”
wow yall are not actually friends if this is how yall talk to each other. if they knew about your past and still made the drug comment, that’s just nasty – but to return it with something intentionally to hurt your “friend” is equally shitty. ESH.
ESH
YTA. While Emily is super ignorant for that comment, you just related gaining weight to being at the lowest point in someone’s life. Wtf kind of fat phobia is that? You got offended because you have your own insecurities and then reacted in an unnecessarily cruel way. You need to continue your self work and also probably find a better group of friends. They don’t sound kind and they (assumably) aren’t bringing out the best in you either.
ESH, but I think you were worse.
Her comment about the lady was to her group of friends, most of whom had just giggled at the lady. It was her just trying to sound “cool” or whatever in front of her friends. The lady didn’t hear it, so it didn’t hurt her feelings in any way.
Yours was specifically to hurt her, on purpose. That seems worse to me.
YTA.. should’ve redirected the conversation like an adult and educated her instead of insulting her.
ESH. Emily is a compassionless jerk as is everyone who “giggled“ at your table.
As for you, first of all, GOOD FOR YOU for getting clean!!! Kudos to you. That is a Herculean feat and staying clean and sober is hard work all on its own. Major respect to you for that hard work.
For this particular issue, I understand why you said what you said. And she’s upset because she’s embarrassed. But she’s not embarrassed that you pointed out that she’s overweight; everyone knows that. She’s embarrassed because she was wrong, and it’s easier to lash out at you than look at her own behavior objectively.
That doesn’t make what you said ok, but I can understand it being your inclination. In that situation, however, should something similar occur again, you might want to stick to talking about yourself. It’ll still shame the offender into silence if you say something like, “You know, before my brother died, he was an addict dealing with homelessness. And I can tell you, in his right mind, he would not have chosen that life. But when people have addiction or mental illnesses, they’re not making healthy, rational choices. So they’re not ‘letting themselves get that bad.’ They’re just surviving. You know I ALSO am a recovering addict. And I know I could just as easily have gone the way of that lady. So maybe think twice and offer compassion instead of ridicule.”
You can get your point across and shame her a little without it feeling like (or being) a personal attack because with the latter, you lose a little moral high ground.
Congrats again. That’s a huge achievement. And my sincere condolences on the loss of your brother.
Well I guess I’m in the minority but I don’t think you’re an asshole. And I wonder if since weight loss is more common than addiction and homelessness that it’s easier for people to sympathize with the friend rather than you. I’ve dealt with both at different points in my life but to point and laugh at a homeless person in the cold while eating a dinner in a warm restaurant is gross. To me that’s what makes her the biggest asshole. You were angry, angry on the behalf of her, your brother, and yourself and you said something that wasn’t nice but you were angry. The friend was being nasty to a person who may have been abused by her husband and then kicked out on the street, who knows?
NTA
Somehow every morbidly obese hippo has some genetic issue or problem that they can’t overcome while they order their 6 burger family meal as an appetizer then eat 2 full entrees and dessert.
Screw her. If she wants to dish it out be prepared to take it.
Esh, yeesh
I’m going to say NTA she knew she was being a jerk and yeah you could’ve been polite and explained how addiction works, but is that your job? And would that have actually helped? Would she have actually understood? Considering she knows you and your story. I say screw that you said it in a way where she felt it and hopefully a lesson was learned. She’s fat bc of an underlying condition so maybe understand that being unhoused doesn’t have to be the fault of the person experiencing homelessness or addiction
NTA. Some ppl just need to learn to shut up, and think before they speak. everyone was silent but I would’ve laughed her comment was absolutely disgusting whether she was aware of ur past or not. You did not have to kill her with “kindness” ppl like her only learn certain ways
NTA once they start talking about someone else’s life / body / decisions they take the stand to be criticized so NTA
Well done. The fact that they giggled about the poor homeless woman, says everything about all of them.
You both are the AH. This could be a good learning opportunity for both of you. I recommend having the conversation about it. You both said shitty things, and maybe having to have the hard conversation will help you both remember to lead with empathy if you ever find yourself in a situation like that again.
NTA in any way. I can’t stand ppl who think others have to be the bigger person when someone does or says something nasty to another person. Not only did they laugh at a homeless struggling person, but she actively shamed and dehumanized the person, you, your family, everyone as a whole who’s ever struggled with addiction, and did so completely unprompted with the sole purpose of degrading the person. Meanwhile your comment was solely directed at her for demeaning you, her, your family, etc over addiction struggles. If she can dish it she can absolutely take it, she and the rest of the group don’t get to pretend she’s the hurt victim here. I also gotta say it’s hilarious she made excuses for her weight to justify it yet didn’t stop to think that person also has excuses for their situation.
And not to mention not only is that woman struggling with addiction/homelessness on its own but it’s also a known thing that homeless women esp are at such extreme risk of being targeted by predators, and her whole situation was boiled into essentially “hah shes like this cause drugs her fault can’t be me lmao”. It’s also funny how they defended the friend cause of being self conscious, like huh yk who else must be self conscious? The struggling homeless woman that they have no clue as to what caused her situation or the fact the woman has to live with her struggles along with knowing how ppl like the friend view ppl like her.
And before anyone complains and makes excuses on how “it’s still not okay and weight comments bad” or whatever. While I’m not fat, I have an ED I’ve dealt with for years and have infact been dehumanized and insulted over my body so I know how body/weight comments can feel. The friend isn’t the victim and OP is NTA point blank. Frankly OP? I wouldn’t even be friends with the group as a whole, they had no issue laughing at the woman, the friend making the comment, and then coming for you because you gave not even half as harmful of a response to her from what she said esp when they know of your situation. They aren’t worth keeping around if they can behave like this.
Yeah, you kinda are.
You don’t get to complain about someone not having empathy / understanding someone’s past and then expect to proudly display your own lack of empathy & understanding without criticism.
You took an awkward situation and made it worse.
Yes you are the AH. Only because you easily (and very easily based on your emotional maturity to go give the woman something) could have explained to Emily“maybe that woman has a problem we don’t know about” WITHOUT crushing her. You don’t need to crush people to teach them. It’s bitchy. No one at your table insulted the stranger, at least not to her face. And no one at your table thought you were ever that low. The comment was who allows drugs to do that to them- and you saved yourself- so they probably are not even trying her to your past. Assuming you were never homeless that they know is. You went an extra mile and insulted the fat girl and made her feel bad and for no reason what so ever. So the only one who hurt someone that night was you. The lady never got hurt by your friends.
Glass houses. Fuck Emily judging a book by its cover. NTA and congratulations on your sobriety! Send her a link to a fitness app so she can count her calories.
YTA because she made a general comment and you made a personal attack against her
Good luck making friends if that’s how you generally treat your social group
Two wrongs don’t make a right. It’s quite possible she didn’t think about your situation before she made that comment. But She still should not have made that comment. But perhaps another way to confront someone like that is just ask them what they mean and in this case if they mean to direct that at you because you were a former drug addict. Esh
Was this an episode of the Kardashians or something?
ESH but you way more so than her because if you said it so quickly you were definitely already thinking it and judging her for it, then acted like you were better than her for holding it in longer
Esh. Nobody should be judging anybody. Everyone knows you don’t go after a woman’s weight. Not everyone (unfortunately) believes addiction is a disease, so it’s not looked at the same. I would think your friends would be a little more understanding, knowing your background, but they probably thought you’d be nicer too. Emily was wrong but needs educated. You were wrong just to be petty.
NTA it costs nothing to be kind. You going out of your way to help that woman (while your friends all giggled and pretended to ignore her) speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. We need more people like you in this world. If your friend didn’t want the world to be ugly and mean to her then she shouldn’t spew ugly, hateful and ignorant comments into it. Something about glass houses here…
NTA. Good for you.
Re-evaluate your friendships
Sounds like an exchange between two mean girls. The first thing you said is she looked mentally ill or something and then we all giggled and ignored her… then you go give her money? Not that you can’t do both but laughing at her was definitely not compassionate. As for what you said to the other girl, it wasn’t heard by anyone at that table… I mean whatever point you were trying to make. All that was heard was an insult. Was she also out of line, well yes, I think she was but not everyone is compassionate about the homeless as some are. I will dig in my purse for money, my mom will drive away for example… you can’t force people to believe or have the same morals as you and insulting them isn’t the educational experience that will make the difference either.
This all sounds extremely immature
You all need to grow up.
Going to stray from the path and say you’re not wrong here. Bringing that homeless woman up just as a topic of discussion to have something to say all while not being open to criticism yourself is…a choice. Homeless women just make me sad. I can’t imagine how vigilant they have to be and how much the average one has endured. To try to open up a window of conversation by using this woman’s circumstances to make yourself appear morally better, but get hurt when someone points out the branch in your own eye while you’re too busy with the stick in theirs. As someone who’s been skinny, fat, fit, overweight, you name it, I think we should “fat-shame.” You can’t be open to criticizing someone but exclude yourself being criticized. Once you do, it’s open season, baby. Also, someone like this who uses every excuse in the book to justify their weight is pitiful. We all got fat somehow and it didn’t happen overnight. It’s not easy to lose the weight, but neither is it easy to quit drugs.
You all looked at each other and giggled, but then you went out and gave her money?
Hmmm, why do I think you’re an unreliable narrator.
I feel for you because it is a touchy subject that some people just don’t understand especially if they didn’t grow up around it. Everyone has addictions some bad, some good. Just remind yourself you don’t have to stoop to that level of inhumanity to get your point across.
Honestly? NTA. You hit were it hurt you, if she wants to be that judgemental, she has to be willing someone does the same to her. I would probably say something on those lines too, next time she can think before she speaks.
lol good for you
NTA. The friend who made the comment about drug addiction just sounds plain ignorant.
She didn’t want to be judged for her weight, but she was perfectly happy to go ahead and judge a stranger.
She has double standards, but she didn’t expect the backlash.
Good for you, OP
ESH but I still think you were justified. Was it petty? Yes but Emily knew what she was saying. I wouldn’t apologize unless she apologizes first.
NTA. If you’re gonna point a finger, make sure it’s clean. She started it. Her behavior was shit. You just replied in kind. “Taking the high road” only works if that’s what your set of morals dictates. I say dish it how they did.
ESH – however, you went for the nuclear option. Emily didn’t say something to the homeless person, she said something despicable to her friend group. You took it personally.
You seem rather self centered to think that everyone is always thinking of your disease and past struggles. They are all thinking of their own insecurities and following the conversation. You are the center of the universe only in your own head. We all are.
Then, you chose to say something terrible to Emily. Were you right that overeating and addiction are similar? Yeah. Was it likely to change how Emily treats future addicts. No, because all you did was deal a little petty trauma her way. I am a high road kinda person and would have used my words to teach rather than hurt if my honest goal was for Emily to learn something.
You should really consider apologizing first since you are the one who went directly for another person’s jugular. Then you should clearly express why treating addicts as less than is a deal breaker for you going forwards.
Anybody can overreact or get mean when their buttons are pushed, it’s what you do about it afterwards that demonstrates what your real goal was and who you are as a person when not triggered. You seem to be digging your heels in from the comments I’ve seen which makes me think you may be a lot like Emily and not have much empathy for people with different struggles than your own.
I’m just going to say, sometimes it’s okay to be an asshole. I think your response was beautiful. But you’re definitely the asshole 😅
Whilst I don’t condone what you said, I do understand it. My brother died of a heroin overdose and also experienced homelessness. People just saw him as a “junkie”, somone to be forgotten about, not worth bothering with. I find myself tensing up when people talk about “junkies” and homeless people. That othering of people is shameful, we have no idea what other people are going through. I know my brother was sweet and sensitive but he really struggled. He needed help and didn’t get it. I’ve found myself biting my tongue when maybe I should just let loose and hope it changes someone’s perspective. I guess I’m leaning towards you not being TA… But maybe it might help to apologise for what was said and explain why you said it?
NTA. I’m fat and honestly that’s the burn of the century. People like to talk shit and then are shocked when it gets talked back. Being fat doesn’t mean no one gets to point out your flaws. She knew the context and said it anyways. Your point is very valid. Many people have a food addiction (I know I do) and that’s part of why they are overweight. So judging an addict while likely being an addict… it’s definitely a moment where someone should call them out.
> I know how it sounds but hear me out
A very obvious ESH, and you know it. She sucks for making an insensitive/rude comment about something like that, especially around you, a person she knows has a history with addiction. But you’re also an asshole because there are tons of ways to respond to such a comment that don’t involve digging at someone’s insecurities.
You both need to apologize, but you should apologize first because you were intentionally hurtful and targeting her specifically, whereas she said something rude and judgmental that was also hurtful to you. It sounds like her comment was unthinking and not directed at you specifically or meant to make you feel bad, while your comment came from a place of hurt and wanting to hurt back.
My judgement would change if it were clear that she was making that comment as a backhanded jab to you, but if you’re saying she doesn’t know you well, there’s a good chance she genuinely forgot about your history even if you did recently tell the story.
Congratulations to you for your recovery, and sorry for the loss of your brother. Both of those things take incredible strength and courage to move through, and I’m sorry that more people don’t understand how difficult addiction really is. It’s entirely understandable that you would have a strong reaction to comments like that in light of that history, but that’s not an excuse to knowingly tear down someone else.
A couple years ago I might have said, you swung low and you should take the high road. I don’t do that anymore. If you don’t care about having this person in your life then I say don’t worry about apologizing. They knew about your past and made the comment. If they are going to dish out comments like that then they need to be able to take criticism back. I’m sensitive about my weight so I get it can hurt to hear the comments but even with my health problems that cause the issue I am actively doing something about it so when I hear them I can rally and just use it as fuel when I go to the gym. Like I said, if they want to dish out criticism they need to be able to take it.
Addiction is a chronic illness. For many addicts, it’s a genetic predisposition. It’s really not that different from the illnesses causing her to be unable to lose weight. She was being intentionally vile and you hit her back with the same energy. You’re both being AHs, but she started a fight she couldn’t end and your so-called friends should have called her out. You have bigger problems than this one woman if your supposed friends didn’t say anything to chide her lack of tact.
Yes
Nta. She blames her thyroid but I guarantee her plate at dinner proves otherwise. I love it when overweight people bash addicts bc often they don’t realize they too are addicts. And she says thyroid issues yet it didn’t even occur to her maybe that woman has mental issues, cancer, PTSD from war. Thank you OP for speaking up!!
Fat recovered addict here. NTA. You specifically sat that group down and told them you were a recovered addict the week prior. She did that just to tear you down. I dont know why everyone is so mad you tore her down right back.
I mean you were brutal but some folk don’t get addiction until you outright compare it to something they struggle with. If she’s going to be horrible about drug users in front of you, an ex drug user, she deserves to be taken down a peg or two.
Absolutely classic comeback, but not quite the high road.
ESH. Compassion is a two way street.
NTA. Sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine to truly understand how shitty they’re being.
You were definitely out of line. I’m not sure why this is even a question. He added background Etc has no relevance.
YTA.
Nta with the edit. That girl was told about your past, and even without knowing it, showed she is a bad person. Did you go low, yes, but she deserved it. Almost everyone I know has a family member (or themselves) who suffered or still suffers with addition. Don’t dish out what you can’t take.
NTA. Sometimes people don’t realize how inappropriate their words are until they hear the same thing back.
YTA
NTA.
My sister and I both were fat, she lost most of it but I never could. I have food addiction, I can’t count calories even if I think that I want to. I’m also a hypothyroid person, so I can somewhat understand Emily’s situation.
Everyone else saying ESH or YTA, it’s easy to judge people from your high horse.
And OP, leave your friend group, they are not really your friends.
NTA. Hmmmm, I think what you said was very harsh but I would’ve done the same. It was made even better by the lesson she learned.
Sometimes, and I wasn’t there so I don’t have full context, being the ah is needed in order for someone to grow self awareness. Question is, were you lashing out at her because you were mad, or because you genuinely care about her growth. That should tell you if you were in the wrong.
No ma’am. You do not owe her ignorant self a damn thang. Emily’s parents should have had her volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. She would have more humility.
But I will say that time and age has taught me great humility and compassion and understanding. I think I was Emily at 19.
If someone can’t take insults then they shouldn’t insult others.
NTA. Sometimes the karma bus pulls up to someone and justice disembarks elegantly. Sometimes the bus is justice and flattens them.
NTA. I would’ve done the same thing
I for one am here for the spite
ESH
NAH people in glass houses etc
Give it some time and send her flowers or something and apologize for getting so angry and defensive. I understand what and why.
I have been there and every single time I say something like that – I can feel the electric charge in my body letting me know I went too far. I am guessing you felt that adrenaline rush too.
Keep some distance from the group for awhile so, nobody brings it up. Apologize, let it go and move on.
So….you were pissed that she wasn’t empathetic to your life history. And you thought the right way to stand up for yourself and your brother and a stranger you don’t know, was to fat shame her when you didn’t know anything about HER life history? And now you don’t think you owe another human being, whom you know you hurt, an apology unless she apologizes to you first?
Got it. YTA. Also…you really nailed your first impression to those three friends of your friends who you didn’t know yet.
Also, as a former addict you should’ve known better than to give cash. Buy her a sandwich or a pair of gloves.
I dunno man; I think it was called for. Don’t throw stones in a glass house.
For future reference: if she’s not taking levothyroxine, she’s not hypothyroid in a measure that’ll affect her weight. Chronic fatigue syndrome also is not going to stop someone from losing weight. #1 factor in weight loss is calorie restriction, being tired doesn’t force food into your mouth.
Ooooof. I mean that’s rough but don’t be a judgmental bitch if you don’t want that same treatment. What’s that cliche about throwing rocks and glass houses? Hurt people hurt people and all of that.
Her defending her weight with illnesses after just insulting someone with an illness is so hypocritical. I hope that instead of going into a victim mentality that she understands the parallels and that being a cunt has consequences.
There’s a special place in hell for people that demonize addicts. Addiction hurts everyone so when you shut on them, you’re hurting those who are personally struggling and those who they’ve impacted who still love them and want them to be safe and healthy. It starts as an escape and to ignore that is so intensely ignorant.
It was mean but fuck her. Addiction is a bitch.
I mean yeah it was mean but don’t judge if you can’t handle being judged right back. It sucks that she has all that going on and that she’s insecure, but that doesn’t give her the right to act like she did.
However you could have gotten your point across without insulting her directly. It’s understandable that you were angry bc you went through addiction yourself, but she wasn’t actually talking about you so you didn’t really have the right to react like she was. ESH
OP, the majority are going to tell you you went too low but honestly, fuck that. She never once stopped to consider that someone with a substance abuse problem might have underlying mental issues they’re self medicating? Or maybe it’s genetic?
If she made a racist comment, people would tell you it’s not your job to kindly explain why she was wrong or educate her. But because she’s overweight, it somehow has to be treated with more empathy and delicacy than she’s capable of showing to someone who also has issues that have underlying causes or are completely out of their control.
Nah, if you’re such a shit person you can’t give grace, you don’t get grace. Bet she doesn’t do that again.
Sometimes, those moments where we make inflammatory remarks out of anger are really a turning point for those people. Hopefully she’ll realize how much of a hypocrite she was being.
Meh-if she couldn’t take the heat, don’t start the fire.
Making judgmental comments when you are NOT perfect-is icky idgaf who you are.
Then, be offended when someone makes one back. Hell no. Get over yourself.
I’m an alcoholic. I get picked on for not drinking. “But I don’t wake up with hangovers” is my go to line.
My big sister is a meth head. Sucks so bad. But I’ll be damned if I sit and let some chick make a comment about homeless knowing many are addicts like my sister.
You shouldn’t go as low as her-but we are all human. No apology from me either.
Also-I’m sorry you lost your brother. That’s a club I don’t wish on others. hugs
ESH. You’re a massive piece of shit though, that’s for sure. You took things way too far and way personal. People like you are exhausting to be around.
NTA. You just gave back what she was throwing out there. they KNEW about you and she still said that.
I mean, If you want to fight fire with fire… you were right on.
Was it nice? No, but she was an AH first.
what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. good for you!