Backstory, like many couples my partner and I have struggled with fertility. And we know it’s on my side. I know I’m the broken one who can’t seem to get it right to even give my partner a chance at being a dad. And that alone hurts. We’ve been trying for several years. My friend knew this. I had cried to her about how I’m failing my partner because this is the one thing he has always wanted in our relationship. He knew from the start that it would be difficult, and he assures me that he is okay with not having kids as we still love to spoil our nieces and nephews.
But dear friend who knew my struggles… why did you have to send a picture of what was CLEARLY a positive fucking pregnancy test asking me what it means? “Is this a water line??” IN WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE IS A LITTLE PINK FUCKING LINE EXACTLY WHERE THE PINK POSITIVE FUCKING LINE COMES UP A STUPID WATER LINE?!
You didn’t need to involve me. You didn’t need to send that to me. I get it, you were unsure and excited, and I’m not saying that’s wrong, but why the fuck did I have to be the one to tell you? And then you fucking questioned me?! Asking if I was sure. And I told you to do what most people in that “uncertain” time would, go do another test, see what the result is there. And then you did. And it was the same fucking result.
I had cried to you about how much of a failure I feel I am for not being able to even have a chance at conception. For years I cried to you about it. And it was only a week before your result that I spoke to you about how hard it is and that we were trying to accept that it’s not going to happen for us. I told you how confusing it is because I was on the fence about kids, but I wanted them so badly because I want to make my partner happy, and I want to have the choice to have kids…. I’ve spoken to you about these struggles….. but you still had to go to me to tell you it’s positive? When there were so many options you could’ve taken? Do you realise how fucked up that is? Did you even think to consider how it would hurt? And I get that my feelings aren’t your responsibility… But do you even care that it hurt so much to find out you’re already pregnant? And you’ve been “not actively trying, but not actively preventing” for 2 fucking months. You spent less than half as many months as we have YEARS…. We have been trying for longer than you have been roommates with your partner…. but I’m the one that has to hear it? I’m the one that has to do the fucking work for you?
It fucking sucks. And I know it’s shitty of me, but fuck you. I’ve asked you to step back, I’ve told you it hurts to talk about and that I need time. But have you even thought about apologising? I know you didn’t intend to hurt me, but you still did, and I told you it did. You didn’t intend to hurt my dog, but you apologised profusely after accidentally stepping on her paw…. but I don’t get anything more than “Okay” when I tell you that your actions hurt me….
Legit, fuck you. Fuck you and how easy it was for you. Fuck you and your fucking waterline. Fuck you and your “not really even trying”. Fuck you and your stupid fucking message. Fuck you and your fucking lack of consideration for a friend you knew was hurting over this very fucking thing.
Two thirds of our lives we’ve been friends, and I still don’t deserve to have my feelings considered? Two thirds of our lives as friends, and you still didn’t see how much it hurts to try and accept that kids won’t happen for us even after confiding in you about it?
You weren’t sharing exciting news either. Don’t pretend that’s what you were doing. You weren’t sure. So you were making me work it out for you. You were dragging me into something I didn’t need to be in. And then to tell me you don’t want me to tell anyone. I get that you’re only 6 weeks along, but not only did you not consider my feelings, but now you expect me to handle this on my own? Another fucking struggle, and constant reminder that I’m broken and trying to give up on dreams I didn’t think I’d had for so fucking long. And you don’t want me confiding in anyone.
It would’ve been less shit to handle for me to find out when you were ready to tell everyone. At least then I would be able to speak to my fucking friends and family to deal with this. But no, I’m sobbing to internet strangers, knowing full-well I’ll be copping “You don’t get to tell people they can’t be excited or have kids cause you’re struggling” or any other negative thing that I myself have said. I’m valid in feeling hurt. I am excited about this, and you’ll both be amazing parents. But fuck you.
I just wish you didn’t use me so unnecessarily and then tell me I can’t get support from people around me because you were too fucking stupid to consider just doing another bloody test because you “didn’t have to pee again right now.” Less than half an hour later you had enough for a second test… You didn’t need to include me in finding out you’re pregnant. Whether you meant it or not, that was cruel.
EDIT cause it’s come up a few times already, I am in therapy. It is on the list of things to talk about and I do know all the therapy things like this being projection, and I am fully aware that it isn’t fair on her, and it isn’t something I’m going to throw our relationship away on, cause I’m gonna love the crap outta that baby. I just don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this until therapy (next week thank fuck) without disrespecting her wishes of keeping it to myself. I’ve already been keeping notes to never use her name just in case my therapist knows who I’m talking about lol.
This is just the ramble of shitty emotions that keep piling up and giving them a space to exist and be expressed, cause it’s almost 1am and I can’t sleep because all of that won’t stop repeating. And I just need it off my chest for a minute.