I want to learn how to accept life for what it is and how unfair it can be. I want to do this without becoming bitter, jealous, or emotionally wounded. I truly want to feel happy and secure. But the truth is, it eats me alive inside.
I have dreams I want to chase, but they feel unrealistic. No matter how hard I try, I might never reach them. My dream is to be a global superstar, known for my music, my art, and the inspiration I bring to others. I want to make a real impact on music and Black culture. I want to be seen and recognized by people all over the world.
When it comes to my deeper desires, I really want to feel seen, wanted, supported, and liked. But not everyone gets that, even if they try their best or look good. Life does not work that way for everyone.
I have a friend who is naturally magnetic. A lot of guys are drawn to her. I have been on dating apps, but many of my dates end up liking her instead. This has happened five times. Some people just have a special energy that pulls others in. It is not about putting myself down, it is just reality. Some people have that kind of presence where they walk into a room and everyone notices them. And that is okay.
Some people are born with natural talents, and others are not. It is hard to accept, but it is true. Not every skill can be developed, no matter how badly you want it. Everyone has limits. For example, someone who is five foot two might never play basketball like LeBron James. That does not mean they are less valuable, it just means life has different paths for different people.
When it comes to attraction, not everyone will see you as attractive. In my case, I have never had a crush like me back. No one has ever been truly interested in me. I am usually the girl guys use to get to my friend or the one they want for benefits. That is what my dating life has looked like.
My friends always seem to get attention from men. They are seen as very desirable. I have tried to improve myself. I have even had plastic surgery. But I am still not seen as attractive by most men.
Some people have personalities that naturally connect with others. Mine does not. I have autism. I am extroverted, but most of my personality is something I perform. It is not who I really am. I act a certain way because I want to be seen so badly. Sometimes I feel like I do not have a real personality or identity
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The only advice I feel I can give is to be honest with yourself. It’s actually harder to do consistently than you might think.
I personally accepted that I will feel envious of others, because they can do things like socializing and relationships the same way they breathing; it just happens.
I don’t consider myself a bad person but I’m not a good one either. I’m fully capable and have done both.
I have no close friends, I speak to none of my family, immediate or extended and I’ve never been in a relationship longer than a month, and that was twice.
I’m telling you this only because I’m fighting for my dreams too. I’m at one of the lowest points in my life so far but I’m not going to let any obstacles, including myself, stand in my way. I don’t care if I have to drag my own ass over the finish line, I refuse to quit.
Keep going. Don’t think about what ifs because they’ve stalled me out for 20 years. Believe in yourself but don’t lose yourself in this big fancy end goal. Try to focus on the now, on your art and your music, and on creating. And go on some self dates, do some journaling – it might help you figure out who you are and who you want to become.
I read your post, and thought I was in r/AutismInWomen. I think you may resonate with that sub, find people there who feel like you.