Me and my bf (both around 30) are together for 4 months now. We didn’t had sex yet because he always blocked it kind of, when I asked him what is going on he opened up to me about being afraid of cumming to fast. I told him not too worry and that I do not care at all and just want some intimacy like even cuddling would be nice. We still had no sex and when I confronted him I asked if he masturbates and he told me he is doing it more then he would like to, so on the daily (we are long distance 4h). He isn’t watching any porn tho and I do believe him because we talked really open. Can the masturbation be the problem in our situation? I just don’t know how to deal with this anymore and I wonder why he can masturbate but won’t have sex with me..
My boyfriend masturbates but can’t have sex with me
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Yes, frequent masturbation can impact intimacy, especially if it becomes a coping mechanism for anxiety or stress. It sounds like he’s being honest, which is good—but open communication is key here. Let him know how the lack of intimacy is affecting you emotionally, not just physically. You deserve connection too, and it’s okay to express that. A gentle, judgment-free conversation might help you both find a path forward together. 💬💛
How long distance are you? I only ask because if it’s very very far, he may just be trying to fulfill his needs, but if it’s only a few hours away max like you could see each other on the weekends, then I’d be worried.
I dated a guy like this, he couldn’t get up when we’d try to be intimate, and I later learned he preferred his hand and porn. So it helped when I’d sext him and then eventually I had to learn how he liked to be held down there, moving forward we slowly started becoming more intimate.
I’d sometimes catch him masterbating still, and he had some other issues so we broke it off. But point being, how much of distance you have is going to make a big difference in my answer above. If you’re mini distance, you can make it work, if it’s truly long distance (like other side of the country or a different country), he may just be trying to fulfill his needs but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s doing it to porn and not pictures/videos of you.
Im willing to bet that he does watch porn, or atleast something related to that, like instagram/tiktok soft porn. Few men masturbates more than they would like without any sort of visual aid.
Have an honest conversation with your bf. Be open & judgment free about everything. If you both don’t have those open lines of communication, that will make things worse. Talk about how all this makes you feel. Better to know how while the long distance relationship is fresh instead of later when it could backfire into something you can’t overcome. 🤗
sounds like he’s just in his head too much. if he’s scared of finishing fast, he prob feels safer doin it alone. daily jerkin off can def make it worse too. just talk abt it more n go slow if he’s up for it. no pressure.
Sounds more like your distance is the problem.
Crazy answer but he also may have read that the masturbation may help his “control” by starting/stopping mechanics. The biggest issue here is he needs to get out of his own head. Keep talking to him about things and see if that helps.
I think his daily masturbtion might be fueling his anxiety and creating a wall between you two. He needs to face this fear head on because cutting back and focusing on building real intimacy could be the key to unlocking your connection.
Just speculation but ur bf may have deeper issues around attachment and intimacy these may also be unconscious to him. Be gentle ask about his past sexual experiences even as a younger boy?
Been there. It’s a mind-bending mix of confusion, insecurity, and straight-up frustration. Like you start wondering if it’s you, if something’s wrong, if maybe he’s just super into his hand because it “gets him.” But real talk, it could be porn habits, anxiety, shame, or even something medical or emotional he hasn’t unpacked. Either way, you deserve clarity not just being left in the dark while he’s off in his own world. You’re not crazy for feeling hurt, but don’t stay stuck wondering forever. Ask, talk, and if he shuts down or won’t work on it? You gotta decide how much of yourself you’re willing to sacrifice waiting.
Yeah, daily masturbation can def mess with sex drive and performance anxiety, especially if he’s already in his head about finishing too fast. It’s way less pressure when he’s solo, y’know? But that fear of “messing up” with you might be making him avoid sex completely.
What ages are you and he??
He may be too anxious to have sex with you
If he is inexperienced but the fact that you have tried to reassure him and he still isn’t
Having sex with YOU , there seems to be a problem with intimacy and trust.
I think that’s a problem. There are a lot of people out there with intimacy issues. There can be many reason some physics and some can be from some deep psychological stuff that is not healthy for a relationship. He needs to figure himself out before he can be in any sort of relationship. Move on until then. And even if he says he figured himself out just be ready to leave if it turns out that he has unhealthy psychological issues.
I don’t want to be a downer, but here I go.
Something else is going on. Sure, a guy can masturbate himself into a non-sexual mindset, however, the lack of intimacy is the clue that something is off.
I couldn’t presume to know what is off, but if I were to guess I would check his sexuality first. Like does he really want a girlfriend?
Next maybe ask him about medications.
The beginning of relationships are often referred to as the honeymoon stage; this is the point where intimacy typically grows step by step. And the whole relationship looks like it’s going to be great.
The fact you have no intimacy is a giant red flag. You need to think about the types of questions to ask your boyfriend to dig into his psyche and figure out what’s really going on.
LDRs can be a problem. It means that you are both going to have to be intentional about intimacy when the time comes. Many people aren’t quite prepared to be intentional about intimacy unless there is a commitment involved.
I will tell you that masturbating isn’t going to help his premature ejaculation worries. He is going to have to work through that because it is a psychological issue and may be a physical issue. In fact, worrying may be part of why he has the issue in the first place.
Strange that he masturbates frequently but is worried about cumming too fast. One bit of advice I got is if you’re worried about that with a partner, masturbate earlier in the day to take some of the need-for-speed off.
The truth is, it could be anything. Maybe he has trauma, maybe it’s the masturbation, maybe he doesn’t even know for sure what the issue is yet. Just keep an open dialogue or determine if the relationship works well enough for you to keep patiently trying to figure out what’s happening.
I don’t see a mention of age here. My suggestion is could it be he wants to be intimate at a time when it would mean so much more than a flop in the bed. My husband and I waited until our wedding night. He said he wanted our first time to be special so I could see his love more than him saying it, and it was so nice to be treated like a queen should be treated. And it should be a lesson for every woman and man out there, treat yourself as someone who deserves the best, and the best will come to you. If more young ladies respected themselves to say no until the man who respects them and wants them for life comes along, then we maybe wouldn’t have so many kids running the streets without one or both parents in their lives.
It’s honestly heartbreaking that he can find pleasure alone but freezes with you. This isn’t just about sex it’s about fear controlling his connection to you so if he truly cares he needs to face that anxiety head on or risk losing the intimacy you both deserve. Maybe it’s time for tough conversations or professional help before distance grows even wider.
Honestly he’s just nervous about not being able to perform. I don’t think it has anything to with jerking off. In fact that can help to desensitize before having intercourse. Just tell him again that you don’t care and just have fun together. Once he gets comfortable with you he’ll come around.
He’s insecure. What a turn off
men rarly masterbate without a visual. He is not being truthful with you. Masterbation to porn is addictive and so is the emence orgamsim that masterbation produces. Relying heavily on pornography can desensitise the individual to real sexual encounters increasing the risk of erectile dysfunction when engaging in sex with a partner. Then there is next the leveling porn addiction sweeping social, this was a recient artical in Men’ Journal https://www.mensjournal.com/sex-relationships/what-is-gooning
Master 🍆 bation in men and boys can cause more harm to the physical response for sex.
He’s going to need to back off before it recovers to more natural sex. It’s a hard topic to approach but an important one.
Lay off the masterbation
At some point you can approach doing that for him and you will need to listen to what is good and what hurts but it can be a tremendous bonding for you both
Cuddling and using more than one condom for him to reduce the extreme stimulation he will feel. As a side note you should be using protection (condoms) anyways (health, sexual health, reduce chance of pregnancy, etc)
He is a voyeur
What does “(we are long distance)” mean??
Get a new bf, FFS.
Another thought, perhaps you could lead initiate cuddling and dropping the expectation of sexuality as an alternative pathway to bonding.
How often are y’all seeing each other?
There’s no definitive way of knowing what wrong with the relationship without knowing his history with masturbation otherwise the rest is just speculation. When did he start ? How many times a day ? You have to ask specifics like this bc he may be too embarrassed to voluntarily mention it. If this was something long before you, then you are dealing with a problem that has nothing to do with you specifically. And honestly it’s leaning more twds that than anything, does he ask of photos from you ?? Him not cuddling you could be a fear of it leading to sex… what’s his sexual history? Not lasting long isn’t about cumming it’s about getting a limp dick mid way.
masturbating at the rate he is definitely will have a psychological impact on how he views sex. Essentially only being able to get it up with those particular material. His mind is potentially wired like an addict.
as others as saying you need to have a conversation with him, being completely honest and transparent.
Perhaps you can ask him to focus on oral and hand stuff on you first. Then once your done, tell him you want him to race to see how fast he can finish, like actively try to go fast, just to break the ice and get the pressure of that first time over.
Also tell him to masturbate like a few hours before sex time. Or that morning. It will help him not be so backed up, ready to explode for when you do have sex. Maybe even some mutual masturbation, side by side?
Try to bring the fun back into it with him. It should be fun. Remind him that you want the pressure off, and you have zero judgements going into it. If he’s not willing to try some things, it just might be that you two aren’t compatible.
Just a quick question! Is your bf okay with you posting about your intimate life on Reddit? If not, please first have a private, serious, and judgment free convo before posting on Reddit. If yes, then if he is okay whit it, could we maybe hear his side of the story? I’m not saying that you are lying or anything like that, but most people tend to see situations like this differently. Please don’t take this as a hateful comment.
You’re in a long distance relationship…how often do you get together? Is his masturbating when he isnt with you really a problem for you?
Maybe try and suggest using your hand instead of his, as a way to bridge that connection then go from there🙂
Ugh. 4 hours apart, LDR, the man won’t even have sex with you, but prefers to beat off.
I’m not sure there’s a positive future outcome here.
Sounds like an addict. You need to move on. He’s not working on himself or being honest and you deserve what you desire as well a sellers realtionship is a bitter and depressing one.
probably just likes dudes
Is this really your best option?
You’re only four months in?
❤️❤️
Hello am single
Masterbation has draind his sexual lust
and do it daily over years can even damge his functioning in general
just help him to quit this habbit and everything well be just fine
Oh, he’s watching porn don’t you worry
Listen, mate. It’s time for a serious chat with him. If he’s avoiding intimacy and prefers to explore different ways of being intimate that take the pressure off — no expectations just genuine closeness. Communication is crucial here; if he can’t open up and work through this, you have to reassess where this is heading. be alone with his thoughts, there’s an underlying issue. His fears about performance need addressing, not brushing aside. You deserve connection; don’t let anxiety dictate your relationship’s pace or quality. It might also help to
He definitely watching porn