Throwaway account obviously. I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 4 years now and for the most part it’s been an okay relationship with its ups and downs like any other.
We’ve been living together for almost the entire time we’ve been together and it hasn’t really given me any perspective on my sense of self. I took her in shortly after we started dating after her parents tossed her out and the relationship just took off from there. She is a deeply insecure and emotionally unstable person which I’ve been able to overlook and work with to fulfill my duty as her partner, but as of late that’s started changing.
I’ve recently accomplished some long time goals of mine and have started to enter into my professional career field which is irrelevant to the issue. As I’ve grown more as an adult I’ve gained more responsibility to manage, and priorities to consider that I previously didn’t when it was just us. She is extremely co dependent on me to the point where a couple days without each other she really starts to get nasty.
I’ve had numerous talks over the years about my concerns, about my mindset, about her mindset; suggesting therapy or other types of counseling efforts for her. I am her only emotional support so it’s become an enormous burden and a slow killing poison that I’ve come to realize I need to get out of.
Breaking up with her isn’t as simple as it should be with someone my age, this is a multifaced issue. We’ve become financially intertwined as we still live together, share car insurance, etc. and our lease doesn’t expire until January. I have no means of escape as far as moving back home is considered, and I know this is going to be a very hard conversation on her part.
Which leads me to my question and dilemma: How can I go about this breakup in the most damage free way possible? I’ve felt like this for a long time and I don’t think it’s fair of me to withhold this conversation simply because it would time better with our lease. On the opposite end, I know having this conversation now she would make the home life extremely challenging, which I would prefer to avoid if possible.
TLDR: My girlfriend is extremely codependent on me and we are financially intertwined, I need help ending this relationship with as little collateral damage as possible.
EDIT: This was reuploaded shortly after the original post with a better clarifying title, a TLDR, and a better explanation of the situation.
Comments
You’re completely valid for moving on without her and choosing to prioritize your future after having several conversations with her about your next steps.
There’s a couple of ways you could go about this;
Not as recommended; start slowly removing her from financial involvement.
Wait for the lease to end but talk to her about the relationship as a whole and expect change (an ultimatum.)
You can’t kick her out if she’s on the lease, but you can expect that she starts taking on her own responsibilities. If you’re able to end the lease early, you can also do that and split the money with her.
Move on, you’re young aaaffffff…honestly I’m on focusing on yourself and get back out there refreshed and improved. Your entire life lies ahead. Godspeed, brother.
You’re plenty young to bounce right back!
You’re both young. You need to leave if you’re feeling this way and she needs to work on herself also. This will be a good thing for her if she too leaves the relationship and focuses on healing herself. But do what needs to be done.
Just let it happen cuz ur young and u will find someone else.
You’re not wrong for wanting out. You’ve carried more than your share, and it’s okay to choose yourself now. Just plan carefully and stay firm.
Have a speech ready and keep it neutral. Even if she did things that make you want to end it, this is not the time for that. Give her the news calmly and gently and then give her some time to process it before you start trying to discuss separating the finances and all that.
Be aware that you might take a hit financially, but contact your LL and inquire about ending the lease early. They may or may not let you.
Do as much of the mental work of planning as you can, for your stbx won’t have the mindspace for it.
I also vote for doing it sooner rather than later. It’s not fair to either of you to keep this a secret. If it’s true, tell her that you respect her too much to keep her/keep her in the dark in a relationship that isn’t working/you aren’t feeling/whatever.
Do NOT get into a debate of why you’re ending things. She’ll likely counter each reason with an assurance that she can do/be better/different, and that’s a torturous conversation.
If you need to, be firm.
“I’m sorry, I really am, but my mind is made up, and I’m not up for a debate on this. You have every right to be hurt. I’m sorry this has blindsided you. I’m going to give you some time to think, because there’s a lot that we’ll need to discuss and I want us both to have clear heads when we do.”
I’ve got a toddler using me as a jungle gym, so my apologies if this was scattered.
Talk to her about ending things, but offer to stay together in your living arrangement through the end of your lease. That gives her time to get things figured out and gives you time to figure out how to divide things. Offer to help her get moved in wherever she goes next (but don’t offer to pay). With my codependent ex, I stayed with her for 3 months in her new place to help her get situated (my stuff was in storage during that time). But I gave her a hard deadline of when I was leaving and I stuck to it.
You think you’re superior, your language really reveals that. And whether you are or not as far as adulting, you probably are in some ways, but she feels it, and you feel it. It’s not a good fit, move on.
Have you spoken with your landlord to see if you have the ability to break your lease or bring in someone to sublet the apartment?
I don’t have any advice, but you sound very clear-headed and I wish you well.
Have a talk with her and help her be independent. I not saying you should comprise you future for her what I am saying is that ever since she was 18 she was with you. She spent her short adult life with you and never got over her insecurities. I just think that the ending of this type of relationship deserves something more thoughtful than a simple neutral talk about separating and more of an ultimatum (to therapy or become less dependant) . But if you feel like that won’t work then we will support your decision of tell her directly