So a friend of mine, forgave her boyfriend who cheated on her. However, her boyfriend is still friends with his EX and she is just apparently okay with it, because he is truly sorry and is a changed person. Also she says she would just be a ”Insecure person” if she complained about it.
Am I going crazy or is this completely unacceptable under any circumstance ?
Comments
You’ll break your brain trying to find logic in this. Your friend is dickmatized. All we can do is light a candle for her and hope she comes back from the dark side.
Nope not ok.
I bet he told her it is insecure to complain.
It’s apparently acceptable to your friend, which is what matters here since it’s her relationship and not yours.
Remember: Different people differ, and that includes in what we’ll accept in relationships.
In your shoes, I would be concerned that my friend was experiencing emotional abuse, especially with her reasoning for not complaining about the issue. But that’s best handled by being there for your friend and watching for opportunity to support her as her own person.
>can it ever be acceptable?
I know you’re only looking out for your friend, but all you can do is warn your bestie and leave her to it.
Some people genuinely need to get burned to figure out that holding their hands over an open flame is a bad idea. From the sounds of it, your friend may be one of those people.
It seriously depends on the whys of both relationships.
No relationship will work if both aren’t working towards it together. Doesn’t matter the parameters. Same way any relationship can work if both are working towards to same thing in the same boundaries.
Like it’s seriously none of your business what your friends relationship looks like. It’s her life , her choices..don’t make the mistake of acting like you know better. You might. But it’s a fast way to alienate people around you . And get blamed when shit goes south. And when and if it goes good, you won’t be welcome to celebrate with them.
This is one of those keep your feelings to yourself, because your feelings don’t matter here, situations. Sharing your feelings has a harmful effect.
If you respect your friend to know what she wants, then respect her to make this choice too.
it’s acceptable if bf never talks to gf again
You could argue that is it OK to be friends with your EX? And did she foregive him for cheating? If both the answers are yes, then it should logically be OK. This is why this should have been made very clear when they had the conversation about the cheating with the conditions stipulated, for instance: yes, but then no more contact with the EX and he must see a therapist to untangle why he is such a massive prick.
I always say in situations like this that seem mind boggling….
You can’t live someone else’s life for them. If it ends up being a mistake, they have to make it and learn from it themselves. Sometimes people are willing to accept things from their partners that really just make no sense objectively, and need to learn the lesson the hard way. Nothing you can say will change it. As a friend you get leeway to say something like “are you sure your okay with this?” but if they are, they are.
An outsider, even a close friend, is not always privy to all the ins and outs of the relationship. For all we know she cheated on him first and is also keeping an ex on the hook. Or she cheated and is cheating and he doesn’t know so she doesn’t hold it against him as much. Or she’s into it. I’ve seen crazier things.
So at the end of the day: we just have to let people live their lives after voicing our concerns and be there for them if needed later
My boyfriend? No. But that’s because someone who is capable of breaking their commitment to me wouldn’t ever be my partner again.
However, I choose not to judge the choices of others. How does her relationship choices impact you?
Dude, there’s nothing you can do but be supportive of the friend. She needs to figure out that the situation is wack on her own.
Is she happy? If so, try to understand why.
Is she miserable? Be there for her. Eventually, she’ll leave, and she’ll need a friend.
No one can ever really understand what goes on in someone else’s relationship. Being critical will only push her away.
No. That’s insane.
I’m friends with one of exes, and so is my BF.
If we cheated with them, or anyone else, that person is out. Any couples counsellor would tell them the same: Ending contact with the affair partner is a must, unless it’s impossible (ie a coparent) and even then needs to be minimal.
But if your friend is delulu the only thing left for you to decide is whether or not you want a front row seat to their drama or not.
In the end, it is her call what is and is not acceptable. However, this literally happened to me last fall and the answer in my books is absolutely not.
Being friends with an ex is one thing… A known cheater being friends with an ex they cheated on someone with is an entirely different scenario. I would absolutely not be ok with it, and I’m pretty chill about my wife having male friends and whatnot.
Oh the people out there right now getting cheated on simply because they allow a certain amount of disrespect in their relationship all for the simple horror of being labeled “insecure”.
Who cares what people think? While in a relationship I have very minimal contact with female friends and certainly no one-on-one time! I expect the same. Simple.
For someone to continue being your SO after cheating on you is not acceptable. This question shouldn’t even exist.
Being friends with an ex but being actual friends, where you both took some time to grieve the relationship and mutually agree you care about each other as people, that is absolutely fine, as long as everyone is mature enough to respect the change in relationship. But being friends with someone you cheated on your partner with is absolutely not okay in my book. For all you know, you’re still being cheated on, it’s just a different label
That’s just Stockholm syndrome. Cheaters rarely change. If he did change he’d no longer be friends with his ex. The optics or the awkwardness of his ex and his current gf third-wheeling each other would be enough if he respected his gf and the impact of his cheating.
Your friend is devaluing her own feelings in a relationship she doesn’t need. It’s like getting food poisoning from contaminated food and going back for seconds, when the chef refuses to throw out the source of contamination.
NO
I’m fairly ok with people spending time with their exes, but this is taking the piss.
Sigh. This was my sister in law. When she told me they were back together I looked her in the eye and told her that was the stupidest thing I had ever heard her say. I followed that up with he isn’t welcome at our house. Luckily it lasted 2 months before she was hurt and leaving him again, this time for the last time.
There isn’t anything you can do. Poor girl.
In a word: no
Everyone can choose what’s right for them in their own relationship I guess but I could never.
Boyfriend still friends with ex, fine.
Boyfriend still friends with ex who he cheated with?
Doesn’t exist because Boyfriend who cheated stops being my anything after that.
There isn’t a single human being on this planet worth sticking with after that.
Good luck!
If you think complaining about being cheated on makes you insecure, it’s safe to say there’s a lot more baggage there.
You can’t logic help someone through this. Just do your best to be available and ready to help her. She’s going to need it at some point.
She has all the right not to trust him, if she didnt do it to him. To me, the lack of trust is apparant and it would make me question my happiness.
In your shoes, I’d simply ask her, whenever it comes in a casual discussion : Is there any reason that you feel insecure? Because your feeling is valid and it is a message from your body.
The idea is to make her think about her emotions and her thoughts process without influencing any of them. It is her decision and hers only.
Outside of that, being there for her is pretty much all you can do. Making her think about her feeling and her thoughts is simply a prove of listening and giving her her moment
One thing I have learnt in life is patience is key. All things have the right time and the right place to be said