So I (22f) have been seeing this guy (28m) for three weeks. I definitely like him. He’s very sweet, nerdy, and thoughtful. At the end of every date he’s asked me out again.
Yesterday night he cooked dinner for me and we watched an anime movie and talked. I told him beforehand I’m not ready for sex and he was very respectful. Now during our first date I asked him what he was looking for and he told me “a long term relationship but he wouldn’t mind a casual connection”.
So yesterday as we watched the movie I just blurted out and told him that I like him but I’m hesitant to get feelings feelings because he told me he wouldn’t mind a casual connection and I don’t think I can be casual forever with him bc I like him. So he asked me if I wanted him to elaborate and I said no it’s fine it’s okay. He then asked if I wanted to be exclusive and I said oh no it’s fine I don’t know why I brung that up. He then told me that I don’t fall into the casual category for him….
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It sounds like he’s hinting he wants to be more serious with you – why did you shut him down when he tried to express what he was feeling? Let the man talk – it seems like he actually wants to be NOT casual with you. Please just communicate and give him space to talk, then decide on next steps. You’re being a bad communicator.
Also you should have said yes to exclusivity if you want to be more serious – why did you say no? Seems to be giving him mixed signals.
Hey, I read what you wrote and I think you’re actually overthinking it a bit. You like him, he likes you, and that’s the important thing. He’s just keeping it real by saying he wouldn’t mind a casual connection, but he also said he’s open to something long term. That’s just him being honest.
If you want something serious, you need to be direct about that. Otherwise you’ll end up stuck wondering “what are we” and feeling all this confusion. There’s nothing wrong with wanting exclusivity after three weeks, especially if you’re vibing and he’s been consistent with you.
Don’t be afraid to say what you want. Just be clear, be real, and date with intent. That’s how you build something real instead of getting lost in the gray area.
You just flopped it when you insisted on telling him that you got “feelings feelings” and then refused to have a conversation about it even though it was clear that either he worded it wrong or you understood him wrong. You should have had a conversation about it and allowed him to explain further.
He told you upfront that he’s looking for a serious relationship… and you told him you didn’t want that because he was also open to a casual thing… and then he said he viewed you as a serious relationship prospect… and now you don’t know what to do? Stop self sabotaging! Listen to what he’s telling you!
Okay so I saw your post on Blackladies and upvoted a few comments but did not want to say anything since I only lurk that sub as a non Black lady and didn’t want to be disrespectful. Since you are posting here, I will tell you that I think it’s problematic that a 28 year old would be pursuing you at 22 years old.
I’ll also tell you that they all say “a long term relationship but he wouldn’t mind a casual connection” because they know if they just say they’re looking for casual sex, no one would give them the time of day. This is also why they’ll say things like ‘I’m not seeing anyone else right now but I’m not ready to be exclusive’. That’s enough to dangle the prospect of a relationship without actually committing to you, and it will also be used as a get out of jail free card if he starts seeing someone else. ‘I told you I ‘wasn’t ready’ / I told you I was OPEN to a relationship-not that we were in one’. It’s a way to extract benefits from you while not committing to you and you will be blindsided when he moves on to someone else and he will blame it on you for being upset
Doesn’t sound like you expressed your feelings for him. It sounds like you had an adult conversation about expectations and if what you told us is true, that you want a long term relationship, his comment about being open to something casual doesn’t mean that’s what he wants with you. With what you wrote at the end, I feel you’re both on the same page and should be open about it, not deflect with “it’s fine, I don’t know why I brought that up”. This is when things get messy, when you don’t communicate your wants and needs.
If there are things that you omitted and potentially red flags, then it’s ok if you want to hold back until your’re sure, but with what you gave us, you’re both good to go, just be open.
no, say what you feel and what you need with your chest. be a big girl and speak up! if he’s going you be a shit guy he’s going to be a shit guy, but if he is going to be a good guy you have you tell him what you actually want or feel so he can act accordingly.
if he likes you he won’t have a problem being exclusive. If you want to be exclusive then say yes when he asks. he’s trying to make it easy and you’re making it more difficult because now he either has to read between the lines and know you actually are just shy to speak about your feelings or that you are unsure about him still and he might think he needs to slow down.
at the end of the day speaking to wont stop a bad guy from being a bad guy, but if it still happens you know in your heart you were true to yourself. if he likes you he will be more than ok being exclusive before sex even starts. there’s always going to be the possibility someone is being deceptive about their intentions with you but you also can’t play chicken with your emotions with him because it will not end up well.
you need to be honest with yourself and with him and if he’s a good guy he will respect you and feel closer to you after you express some of your actual feelings instead of just blurting it out.
Have a real conversation with him. If you like him and want to be exclusive, you need to tell him that instead of backtracking and saying “it’s fine idk why I brought it up.” He’s giving all the signals that he wants to explore something more serious or at least talk about it, but the way you communicated is confusing.
Why did you walk back what you said? Your feelings are valid and you need to be honest if you want someone who is on the same page as you
> I wanted him to elaborate and I said no it’s fine it’s okay. He then asked if I wanted to be exclusive and I said oh no it’s fine I don’t know why I brung that up.
Uh why?
I think you’re over-thinking things. You like him a lot, so you told him so. Sounds like he likes you back too. Just go with the flow. If you WANT to be exclusive at this point, tell him that’s what you’d like. If you want to wait a little longer before deciding, tell him you want to wait a little bit. Just tell him how you feel, listen to how HE feels, and work out what’s best for both of you.
It doesn’t sound like you did express your feelings to him. You need to learn how to communicate better.
You fumbled that shit hard OP
You’re fine, him saying he didn’t see you as a casual thing means he’s also enjoying your time together.
Also, completely unrelated, but “yesterday night” is a great phrase and not enough people use it.
Girl…
Lol you can lock him down as a steady partner. That’s what he was hinting at.
This is all sounds fine and it doesn’t seem like you rushed into telling him you like him. Sounds like the feeling is mutual on his end. Have fun!
I don’t mean this to be mean or anything, but it definitely sounds like you’re probably at two different points in your life. 22 and 28 may seem like a short gap, but given your response to others, I’m not really sure you’re ready for the kind of relationship he’s asking for since you’re not even able to understand what he’s already stated.
Dissenting opinion. You’re 22? Yeah, I’d say give it a couple more years / date someone closer to your age. You are so young. Maybe you’re not ready for what you want? Take your time. 🫰🏿