Sorry for the length I needed a lot of backstory.
Context: I 25m am best friends with Tom also 25m. We have been friends since college and are both gay men. We are both single and have active dating lives/hookups. We have always had very different types/ personal aesthetics so we very rarely, if ever, have overlap with guys we are both interested in.
Last weekend Tom and I went to grab drinks at a new cocktail bar. While waiting to be seated we both immediately noticed a very attractive server, Adam (24m). We made some lighthearted comments to each other about how gorgeous Adam was, as we made our way to our table. Surprise, surprise, Adam ended up being our server.
While we were there Adam and I were being mildly flirtatious. Nothing super overt, but lots lingering eye contact and a couple “innocent” flirty comments. I picked on a vibe but was hesitant to be forwardly flirtatious since Adam was at work and I didn’t want to come across as a creep. I was contemplating leaving my number as a passive way of progressing the flirtation, but when it came time to pay our bills Tom announced that HE was going to be bold and leave his number on his check. I thought it was a little odd because Tom had barely even made eye contact with Adam, let alone flirted with him. But he had already written his number and I decided let him have the moment and not leave my number to avoid making the whole thing a “competition”.
Tom and I decided to get drinks at another bar closer to home. While in the Uber to the next bar, Tom got a text from Adam thanking him for leaving his number. Tom was over the moon and was excitingly texting him back. If I’m being honest my ego was feeling a little bruised because I was positive that Adam and I had a vibe, but I swallowed my pride and wanted to be happy for Tom. He was reading me the texts and we were brainstorming some witty/flirty comeback.
Through the text convo, we discovered that Adam accidentally switched our checks, so Adam thought it was ME who left my number, not Tom. Tom was disappointed, but he offered to give Adam my number instead. I told him it was up to him and if it was going to be too awkward id take the L.
Tom did give my number to Adam who immediately texted me. I know it’s bad, but I texted back and we really hit it off. Adam ended up inviting me over to his place for a drink after Tom and I split ways. I agreed figuring it would just be a fun one night stand and that’ll be it.
But I wasn’t expecting Adam to be so smart and funny. We ended up staying up till 4am just talking about our lives and mutual interests. It was amazing. Adam and I continued to hang out for the rest of weekend.
I got dinner with Tom last week and told him everything, I asked if he was okay with me continuing to hang out with Adam because I know it is an awkward situation. Tom said he was touched that I checked in and even though it was uncomfortable he was happy for me and not to worry about it. So I continued see Adam.
This is where I really feel like the asshole. Yesterday Tom and I went out for lunch which ended up turning into a small bar hop. I had made plans to see Adam later in the night after he got off work, but since Tom and I were hanging out longer than anticipated I figured Adam could tag along. I knew it was going to be a little awkward for the three of us to hang out, so I let Tom know early in the night Adam might join us. I thought we could all benefit from getting some of the awkwardness out of the way and move past it together. Especially since I’m starting to like Adam and want to start having him be a part of my daily life.
I thought it was going alright but Tom very abruptly got up and said he had to go because his Uber was there. I didn’t think anything of it because Tom is famous for an Irish goodbye and just assumed he had enough to drink and needed to go home.
Adam and I stayed and finished our drink before going to get dinner. While we were eatting Tom texted me apologizing for leaving abruptly and said the he “needed to process some stuff internally”. I asked if he was okay and he assured me it was fine but he just was overwhelmed and chose to run in the moment. We left off agreeing we would both sober up and talk about it in person sometime today.
In hindsight I might’ve been too quick to force Tom into that situation, especially while we were drinking and I might’ve put too much faith in his assurance that he was fine because who wouldn’t feel weird about the whole situation.
So all this is to say would I be the asshole if I continued seeing Adam even though I know it’s making Tom uncomfortable or should I drop it to stay loyal to my friend. Adam and I are still pretty early in the relationship so I’d rather end it now than continue to really get attached.
Comments
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Backup of the post’s body: Sorry for the length I needed a lot of backstory.
Context: I 25m am best friends with Tom also 25m. We have been friends since college and are both gay men. We are both single and have active dating lives/hookups. We have always had very different types/ personal aesthetics so we very rarely, if ever, have overlap with guys we are both interested in.
Last weekend Tom and I went to grab drinks at a new cocktail bar. While waiting to be seated we both immediately noticed a very attractive server, Adam (24m). We made some lighthearted comments to each other about how gorgeous Adam was, as we made our way to our table. Surprise, surprise, Adam ended up being our server.
While we were there Adam and I were being mildly flirtatious. Nothing super overt, but lots lingering eye contact and a couple “innocent” flirty comments. I picked on a vibe but was hesitant to be forwardly flirtatious since Adam was at work and I didn’t want to come across as a creep. I was contemplating leaving my number as a passive way of progressing the flirtation, but when it came time to pay our bills Tom announced that HE was going to be bold and leave his number on his check. I thought it was a little odd because Tom had barely even made eye contact with Adam, let alone flirted with him. But he had already written his number and I decided let him have the moment and not leave my number to avoid making the whole thing a “competition”.
Tom and I decided to get drinks at another bar closer to home. While in the Uber to the next bar, Tom got a text from Adam thanking him for leaving his number. Tom was over the moon and was excitingly texting him back. If I’m being honest my ego was feeling a little bruised because I was positive that Adam and I had a vibe, but I swallowed my pride and wanted to be happy for Tom. He was reading me the texts and we were brainstorming some witty/flirty comeback.
Through the text convo, we discovered that Adam accidentally switched our checks, so Adam thought it was ME who left my number, not Tom. Tom was disappointed, but he offered to give Adam my number instead. I told him it was up to him and if it was going to be too awkward id take the L.
Tom did give my number to Adam who immediately texted me. I know it’s bad, but I texted back and we really hit it off. Adam ended up inviting me over to his place for a drink after Tom and I split ways. I agreed figuring it would just be a fun one night stand and that’ll be it.
But I wasn’t expecting Adam to be so smart and funny. We ended up staying up till 4am just talking about our lives and mutual interests. It was amazing. Adam and I continued to hang out for the rest of weekend.
I got dinner with Tom last week and told him everything, I asked if he was okay with me continuing to hang out with Adam because I know it is an awkward situation. Tom said he was touched that I checked in and even though it was uncomfortable he was happy for me and not to worry about it. So I continued see Adam.
This is where I really feel like the asshole. Yesterday Tom and I went out for lunch which ended up turning into a small bar hop. I had made plans to see Adam later in the night after he got off work, but since Tom and I were hanging out longer than anticipated I figured Adam could tag along. I knew it was going to be a little awkward for the three of us to hang out, so I let Tom know early in the night Adam might join us. I thought we could all benefit from getting some of the awkwardness out of the way and move past it together. Especially since I’m starting to like Adam and want to start having him be a part of my daily life.
I thought it was going alright but Tom very abruptly got up and said he had to go because his Uber was there. I didn’t think anything of it because Tom is famous for an Irish goodbye and just assumed he had enough to drink and needed to go home.
Adam and I stayed and finished our drink before going to get dinner. While we were eatting Tom texted me apologizing for leaving abruptly and said the he “needed to process some stuff internally”. I asked if he was okay and he assured me it was fine but he just was overwhelmed and chose to run in the moment. We left off agreeing we would both sober up and talk about it in person sometime today.
In hindsight I might’ve been too quick to force Tom into that situation, especially while we were drinking and I might’ve put too much faith in his assurance that he was fine because who wouldn’t feel weird about the whole situation.
So all this is to say would I be the asshole if I continued seeing Adam even though I know it’s making Tom uncomfortable or should I drop it to stay loyal to my friend. Adam and I are still pretty early in the relationship so I’d rather end it now than continue to really get attached.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
NTA, You did make a point to ask Tom if he was comfortable with you pursuing Adam. Throughout this story, you make sure to take his feelings into consideration. That’s great. And he did assure you that he was okay with you and Adam. You probably just got a bit ahead of yourself and accidentally didn’t give Tom the time he needed to process. I would suggest talking to Tom in a few days. Apologize for putting him in an uncomfortable situation. Ask him to be honest and explain how you want to make sure he’s comfortable before you get attached to Adam. You seem like an amazing and considerate friend! I’m sure Tom is simply feeling strongly towards the situation and not you. Good luck!