I (30 F) and my ex husband (32 M) have been separated for two and a half years and recently filed for divorce. We had a lot of issues in our marriage, but one of the worst ones was the fact that my husband sexually assaulted me on his 28th birthday. We were away at a friend’s cabin with a large group of people when it happened and I called it out immediately afterwards. He forced me to comfort him in the aftermath, saying he “never thought he would be that sort of man.” It was one of the worst days of my life, having to walk back up to the rest of the group and pretend that everything was fine.
I stayed with him for two years after that, even though he never apologized for what he did. I tried to forget it ever happened and make our marriage work but issues continued to pile on until I finally ended the marriage in October of 2022. He met his now girlfriend three and a half weeks after we broke up. I know for a fact that he lied to her and told her that we separated in June of 2022 and when I confronted him about it he said that our marriage was “functionally over” in June anyway.
We have a unique situation of having to cohabitate since we broke up and are still living together despite both having new partners. I know everyone is likely surprised that I would stay in the same house with him but due to finances and no family support, I didn’t have a choice. We are finally selling our home and getting divorced properly. The end is in sight and I am considering telling his new girlfriend about what happened once I no longer have to live with him anymore. I want to warn her about his selfishness and lack of accountability but worry she will not believe me because I am his ex-wife. But I also feel that if I say nothing, then I am dooming another woman to potentially be violated by him.
So, would I be the asshole?
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Backup of the post’s body: I (30 F) and my ex husband (32 M) have been separated for two and a half years and recently filed for divorce. We had a lot of issues in our marriage, but one of the worst ones was the fact that my husband sexually assaulted me on his 28th birthday. We were away at a friend’s cabin with a large group of people when it happened and I called it out immediately afterwards. He forced me to comfort him in the aftermath, saying he “never thought he would be that sort of man.” It was one of the worst days of my life, having to walk back up to the rest of the group and pretend that everything was fine.
I stayed with him for two years after that, even though he never apologized for what he did. I tried to forget it ever happened and make our marriage work but issues continued to pile on until I finally ended the marriage in October of 2022. He met his now girlfriend three and a half weeks after we broke up. I know for a fact that he lied to her and told her that we separated in June of 2022 and when I confronted him about it he said that our marriage was “functionally over” in June anyway.
We have a unique situation of having to cohabitate since we broke up and are still living together despite both having new partners. I know everyone is likely surprised that I would stay in the same house with him but due to finances and no family support, I didn’t have a choice. We are finally selling our home and getting divorced properly. The end is in sight and I am considering telling his new girlfriend about what happened once I no longer have to live with him anymore. I want to warn her about his selfishness and lack of accountability but worry she will not believe me because I am his ex-wife. But I also feel that if I say nothing, then I am dooming another woman to potentially be violated by him.
So, would I be the asshole?
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YTA, you stayed with him after the assault and you’re still staying with him. Did he attack you again?
If I was the girlfriend I would want to know.
NTA! it sucks you still have to cohabitate. I think if you want to warn her that he assaulted you that’s completely valid but def wait til you no longer share the same space. Sorry this has happened to you but glad you made it out even if it took some time. Proud of you!
You should have told her 3 yrs ago. She won’t believe you now.
Tell her
Personally for me it would depend on how she reacts to you in the first place. If she’s kind to you she might hear you out but if not I wouldn’t bother trying to do something in person. Honestly I would just write a letter to her and detail what you would like. You can hand that over and what she decides to do with it is her business. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.
If I were the gf I’d like to know but its been 3 years. I advice you to block him and everything everyone about him and focusing on your healing. If you think your healing passes through letting her know, do it without expecting anything positive. I would do it with a burner account, explain why you felt the power to let her know now instead of 3 years ago, that you would have no gain of letting her know, just wanting this weight on your shoulders to off, that however you had effected still he might changed as a person and the actions after learning this is on her. And you need to go through these phases too cuz any negative reaction from her end might rock your self healing process and might make you deal with his toxicity again. Remind yourself that you are used to that toxicity, and self healing is a long and a hard process that brain doesnt want to go through, sometimes wants the comfort of knowledge and you unfortunately know how to survive in toxic environment. These thoughts of letting her know now might be the search of the comfort that you used to, even that situation was horrible to you. Acknowledge these and sit on those thoughts and feelings first. You before anybody till you heal.
Stay out of it.
Tell his new girlfriend what he is capable of doing. And show her all the evidence of him being a lying manipulative person that he is as in he lied about the divorce and the timing of everything and if you have any proof that you assaulted you, I would share it to her also so that she would be aware of his character and what he’s capable of doing, and he would probably do the same to her
I would tell her once you moved out. But just be prepared she may not believe you.
If that happens, just know you did the right thing and move on.
Hand her a letter on your way out.
As everyone else has stated, don’t expect any particular reaction from her, but she may already have suspicions that your testimony could validate. She could just as likely have been manipulated enough by the years with him thus far, to disregard everything you say. But I think you deserved to tell her as much as she deserves to know. It has been a long time, but I think most reasonable women would understand the fear and trauma, and how long it takes to process that even when you’re not still living with the person. The statute of limitations on sexual assault varies state by state, but some have no limit, others range from 3-30 years. That sends a powerful message of what it takes to cope, accept, move forward, and be ready to confront something like that. Don’t listen to anyone telling you that you should have done or said something sooner. In personal experience, I too disassociated, then buried and didn’t even acknowledge the first instance until years later when it happened with someone else. Maybe you save her, maybe she thinks you’re a “Cee yoU Next Friday”, either way, you both deserve the exchange. IMO any written form would be preferable, giving you each space and time to process.
TLDR, you’re so capable, you’re strong, tell her. Don’t let her response weigh you if it’s not positive, but you should do it, for you both.
Edit: typos/grammar
if you warn her, he will retaliate. Especially if you still with him. Focus on your own safety before helping others
No, stay out of their relationship
Just move on, you come off as the bitter ex wife otherwise
You sound like a bitter ex making stuff up. So yes.
Definitely tell her.