I (29m) have been with my wife (28f) for 8 years, and meals are just about the only place of contention in our marriage, but I’m scared she’s going to kill someone one day.
Background – we split the cooking in our house 50/50, but when she cooks I feel like I have to watch her like a hawk. She undercooks just about everything, especially meat, and no matter how many times I try to politely correct her, she claims I’m being “picky”.
For example, every time she makes rice, I just can’t convince her it’s 1 part rice to 2 parts water. She always says “are you sure? That seems like a lot of water.” Or “Maybe that’s how you like it, but I don’t want it so mushy”. The package and google won’t convince her either, and I just swallow my pride and eat the crunchy rice every time. It’s like that with everything. Pasta, veggies, bread, meat…
The thing is, I wouldn’t care so much if it was just me, but she always wants to cook for our friends. She really prides herself on her cooking and wants to make everything herself. I just trail behind her, trying to make sure it’s all edible, but there’s usually a few dishes that end up drastically over salted or undercooked. Our friends will politely eat, but I noticed they’ve been coming to fewer and fewer invitations for dinner.
Things all came to a head the other night when she went to put some chicken in the oven as I was hopping in the shower. When I came out, she had pulled the chicken out and said dinner was ready. I was skeptical and told her that it had only been like 10 minutes. She said she pan-seared it first so it was fine, but when I came to look, the sides were literally pink.
I snapped a little and told her she’s going to kill someone one day from serving them raw meat. Can’t you see that it’s pink? That’s food safety number 1. She said she thought it was done, and it’s not her fault, her mother never showed her how to cook chicken growing up. I then told her “Well you’re almost thirty, that’s no excuse for not knowing how to cook at all.”
Needless to say she was pretty upset with me, and I probably could’ve been nicer. But I’ve been nice about it for 8 years and nothing has changed. AITA?
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I (29m) have been with my wife (28f) for 8 years, and meals are just about the only place of contention in our marriage, but I’m scared she’s going to kill someone one day.
Background – we split the cooking in our house 50/50, but when she cooks I feel like I have to watch her like a hawk. She undercooks just about everything, especially meat, and no matter how many times I try to politely correct her, she claims I’m being “picky”.
For example, every time she makes rice, I just can’t convince her it’s 1 part rice to 2 parts water. She always says “are you sure? That seems like a lot of water.” Or “Maybe that’s how you like it, but I don’t want it so mushy”. The package and google won’t convince her either, and I just swallow my pride and eat the crunchy rice every time. It’s like that with everything. Pasta, veggies, bread, meat…
The thing is, I wouldn’t care so much if it was just me, but she always wants to cook for our friends. She really prides herself on her cooking and wants to make everything herself. I just trail behind her, trying to make sure it’s all edible, but there’s usually a few dishes that end up drastically over salted or undercooked. Our friends will politely eat, but I noticed they’ve been coming to fewer and fewer invitations for dinner.
Things all came to a head the other night when she went to put some chicken in the oven as I was hopping in the shower. When I came out, she had pulled the chicken out and said dinner was ready. I was skeptical and told her that it had only been like 10 minutes. She said she pan-seared it first so it was fine, but when I came to look, the sides were literally pink.
I snapped a little and told her she’s going to kill someone one day from serving them raw meat. Can’t you see that it’s pink? That’s food safety number 1. She said she thought it was done, and it’s not her fault, her mother never showed her how to cook chicken growing up. I then told her “Well you’re almost thirty, that’s no excuse for not knowing how to cook at all.”
Needless to say she was pretty upset with me, and I probably could’ve been nicer. But I’ve been nice about it for 8 years and nothing has changed. AITA?
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NTA – that’s insane that she isn’t following proper guidelines to ensure food is properly cooked. I’m glad you spoke up regardless she’s mad. Sometimes it takes a defining moment for there to be a real change.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, mate. You’ve been patient for eight years—that’s a long time to be chewing on crunchy rice and dodging food poisoning.
Practical suggestion though, have you thought about getting a rice cooker? Takes the guesswork out of it. And maybe something like an LG NeoChef or a smart oven where you just press the numbers for what you’re cooking? Might save you from having to play food safety inspector every mealtime.
>we split the cooking in our house 50/50
ESH, Everyone Sucks Here.
You say this has been a problem for 8 years, and it’s beyond just “not tasty” all the way to “unsafe.” Yet you’re still eating her meals and hosting dinner parties? You’re half the problem.
NTA
But this behavior is so confusing to me.
> She said she thought it was done, and it’s not her fault, her mother never showed her how to cook chicken growing up.
So where in the world is this undeserved confidence coming from?
I just can’t resolve “never being taught how to cook” with “assuming everyone else knows less than you about cooking.”
YTA.
> I just swallow my pride and eat the crunchy rice every time.
Can’t do that. You’ve normalized her failures so now she doesn’t understand where this is coming from.
NTA at all. This is serious and she needs to understand that she’s endangering herself and others with her negligence and she should take a basic cooking course or allow you to teach her the basics if she’s going to continue to insist on making food
NTA But her a meat thermometer as a peace offering
Maybe both of you take a basic cooking class together as some sort of couples thing? I don’t know what to do about someone who won’t agree rice is a 2 to 1 ratio when the packaging even says so.
Possibly sit down with her when NOT cooking or eating and say, look lets fix this cooking situation. You say your mother never taught you how to cook. I was harsh and said you should know by now. Are you actually open to someone teaching you how to cook? If she says no, then ask her what her solution actually is? If she says yes, then sign up for the cooking classes.
NTA but also not everything has to be 50/50 for the relationship to be overall balanced. I do 95% of the cooking and “mental load” type activities and in exchange, my partner does 95% of the rest of the cleaning and the phone calls to random whoevers. This comes out pretty balanced and we both do the things we are better at and also dislike less
YTA have her watch some Hells kitchen episodes. Then the Alton Brown Good Eats. Get a rice cooker because rice depends on Brown versus white and most white rice is cup for cup and cooks well
You should have had a conversation not a putdown. The way you approached it was wrong
NTA ….might I suggest a couples cooking class? Say I know my cookings not perfect either, maybe we can learn together
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I feel like this could have been solved by gifting basic cooking lessons, a rice cooker, a meat thermometer etc… ESH .. she’s an adult and YouTube/google exists but also you shouldn’t have let it drag on for 8 years.
Buy her a meat thermometer. If she isn’t doing it to try to break you & make you do all the cooking. I, personally, would have cut the chicken open (close to the bone where you can really see its raw) and say “if it’s done, let me see you eat it”. You said she won’t listen to google or the instructions on the box- it’s obvious she had NO INTENTION of learning. If my 9 yr old granddaughter can grasp how dangerous it is to eat raw meat, why can’t your wife? I didn’t know how to cook. And I didn’t have google. I had to teach myself (so many ppl do this everyday). I feel like your wife is playing stupid. But regardless, please stop having dinner party’s (& don’t let her near children).
Buy a thermometer
Why don’t you two take cooking lessons together?
NTA when your safety is at risk. Not being able to cook simple things at 28 is a problem all on its own, let alone when you’re feeding someone else.
I’m sorry but this is making me smile. It’s a little funny. She ought to be able to discern that the rice is undercooked or chicken is raw. And I’m with you, that’s unpleasant, and it’s a waste, really. I’m a decent cook but my repertoire was limited. My husband subscribed to Blue Apron and that got me to learn new things… I feel like an ad but you could try something like that. As long as she follows the directions. It’s all measured out and it tells you how to cook it.
You may have been nice, but you haven’t been kind. Hiding the truth is hurting you both, and “nice” is just surface level.
I don’t know what the solution is, but it sounds like you could both work on your communication. If you’re able to talk about stuff like this, you’re so much more likely to have a healthy relationship (and gut, as you won’t have to eat uncooked rice to protect her feelings).
If you CAN’T talk to each other honestly about stuff like this, maybe eight is enough?
I could understand if she hates cooking and she’s pulling that weaponized incompetence deal but she claims to like it. How about you get a couple’s cooking course. Takes you through appetizer, entrée and dessert and she can learn that what she thinks is right, isn’t. You can call it a romantic night of cooking together
NTA. Do all the cooking and let her clean it up.
There are literal videos and recipes she can follow. At this point, I would just think, maybe she isn’t that bright.
No. NTA. She’s not listening as you’ve politely tried to help her. Buy her a cookbook, watch the Food Network or take a fun cooking class together at a local grocery store or Sur La Table. She needs to learn the basics. Also, start using a meat thermometer.
ESH. Have you considered enrolling you both into a cooking course? You may not need it, but it might be fun for you to do together and take some of the onus off you showing her the basics. Or maybe it’s something she’d attend with one of her friends?
Stop trailing behind her, and don’t eat what she cooks that’s inedible. If she cooks for your friends, then let the chips fall where they may without butting in – it make take one of them speaking up to make her see the light. If not, a while of eating her own ‘un-monitored’ cooking — while you opt for a PBJ – might do it.
Or just break down the cooking responsibilities to a different kind of 50/50 — you cook for you, and she cooks for herself.
But don’t just eat badly cooked food to keep the peace. You’re not keeping the peace … resentment is obviously simmering on both sides. Sit down and have a heart to heart and figure out a compromise that you both can live with — be honest, even if you have to say ‘I love you, but I just don’t love your cooking.”
NTA. Maybe try suggesting you two watch the TV show “worlds worst cooks”? They have contests that cook very similar to your wife battle and learn cooking while learning food safety. SO many people on that show think chicken is fine when it’s pink.
What worries me is her stubbornness when you try to reason with her. Is she like this in other aspects of the marriage?
ESH
Solely bc you’ve let this go on for EIGHT years.
Anyone normalizing terrible cooking for that long makes it seem in her head that you’re suddenly being dramatic.
She sucks for blaming her mom now after years of being away from her mother and being able to learn how to cook but refusing to take advice.
Honestly not sure where her confidence is coming from.
NTA but not worth it. Quit eating her food and cook your own. As for everyone else, well either they’ll eventually all stop coming or one of them will become a casualty.
If she struggles this bad at basic cooking I can only imagine how she navigates the rest of her life. Maybe she has a mental disability or severely low iq?? Anyways, NTA. Id evaluate your life with her and honestly possibly end the relationship on those findings. You don’t need to be a gourmet chef to know what properly cooked meat looks like or how to cook according to a package. Major red flag
ESH – somewhat.
It’s been 8 years. That should have been addressed way earlier.
NTA. Buy her a meat thermometer and show her how to use it. Is she easily manipulated? You could apologize and tell her you didn’t realize she had never been taught to cook and find a local cooking class for her. If nothing else is available community colleges usually have a culinary course. I feel bad for OP, not just because he will probably get food poisoning but he’s destined for a future of nasty food unless something changes
Well first of all, you’re wrong about the rice. It’s a 1:1.33 ratio, not a 1:2 ratio. For some rice cookers it’s 1:1.5, but it is not 1:2. A simple google search would tell you this, as do the instructions for most rice cookers. As to the chicken, the best way to go is to get a meat thermometer and show her the safe temps. That’s really the only reliable way to ensure your meat is cooked thoroughly. If she still doesn’t get it, just stop having her cook.
My mum never taught me how to cook chicken either but I know raw chicken from cooked chicken.
Are you dating Peggy Hill? The over confidence in under performance would set me over the edge. In all seriousness, I would be absolutely mortified if I was serving something awful and my husband didn’t have the balls to sit me down and let me know what’s up. It’s been 8 years!! Time to have a real conversation with her already. ESH
8 years to communicate this?
I couldn’t cook well when my husband and I got together almost 20 years ago. It took him forever to speak up. I like constructive critism, but your wife may not. Maybe go to cooking classes together? Not the AH, as long as you’re not being mean about it.
NTA. You can get a food thermometer for under $20 to check that meat has reached a safe temperature. The internet has been around for ages, hopefully she’s learned more than her mom taught her in other issues.
Why isn’t she following recipes? Can’t she feel how undercooked the rice/pasta is?? How did y’all get past the first few dates without addressing this?
I agree a rice cooker and a meat thermometer would be good. Also a cooking class is very reasonable. That being said my husband was never comfortable cooking chicken. It didn’t matter that there was a meet thermometer he could use he was just never comfortable with preparing chicken. My point is there may be something she’s not comfortable preparing even after cooking classes a rice cooker and a meat thermometer. I think she should try more and you shouldn’t have to be the health inspector. Maybe point out less and less people are accepting your invitations as well. If she refuses all suggestions maybe you should make your own food. Has she ever gotten sick from eating her own food?
NTA- but is this just weaponized incompetance? Anyone can read directions on a box of rice or read a recipe. You could literally watch one cooking show and get an idea that foods need to be cooked a certain amount of time or until they reach a certain internal temperature.
When she says no one taught her, politely offer to teach her, nta
Nta she needed to listen to you in the first place instead of being stubborn and bull headed. I did it too my husband had to teach me how to cook. After many failed attempts at shit I just asked him to show me the basics. Maybe you could’ve been nicer but it wouldn’t have gotten anywhere probably but maybe now she’ll listen to you or you can take over the cooking.
I need couples to stop setting each other up for failure and start communicating. Please.
She sounds like a man demonstrating weaponised incompetence.
TBH, if this is true you’re NTA.
If this is true, I find it funny because if you switched the sex class, this is a normal post on Two2Chromosomes
Needs to do a PowerPoint presentation to show her what she’s doing wrong
Invest in a meat thermometer? 🤷♀️
Hey her a thermo pop and a temp chart.
ESH. Her for refusing to take feedback/look things up, and you for letting it go on until you snapped.
You guys need to have a calm conversation (not while one of you is cooking). It’s going to be tough, because you’ve spent 8 years giving her the impression that her cooking is okay, but you guys have to sort something out. Options I can think of:
she needs to humble herself and start googling a lot of food safety and cooking knowledge, even if she feels like she knows it. She should follow the directions and see how she feels about the “mushy rice” before deciding to make a change the next time.
you take on cooking (if you’re willing) and she picks up equivalent other duties.
mostly #1, but includes taking a cooking class.
I’ll also say as someone who never learned to cook at home (my parents are both kinda dangerous tbh) and is still kinda nervous about meat, my slow cooker is great. It’s much harder to overcook things do I can just let it go a little extra long to reassure myself. I do a lot of chicken in sauces, then usually shred the chicken and add rice and veggies, but there’s a ton of recipes and they’re often easier than cooking on the stove/in the oven. I’m told you can usually find them at thrift stores pretty cheap.
My mom didn’t teach me to cook, either. I read, experimented, used a meat thermometer, used common sense, and asked questions. No internet, no classes. No excuses for your wife, bless her heart.
NTA I draw the line at pink chicken.
I am a terrible cook, and I know it, but even I am not that bad.
My ex-wife’s aunt in law married her uncle. She had never been very domestic and learned nothing from her mother. After they were married the first time that they came home from the honeymoon and she cooked him a meal he promptly got up after taking one bite took the plate took the pan and threw it all out the back door. She ran off crying and went to his mother and his mother taught her to cook. So I don’t know, it depends on how bad she really was I know a lot of girls today don’t learn anything from their mother
NTA
How can she say she was never taught to cook when she rejects all your corrections? There’s a difference between doing it wrong and continuously doing it wrong for 8 years despite being corrected and presumably being aware that the rice is crunchy.
Why is it always people who can’t cook who are super proud of their cooking. Wouldn’t you rather be proud of doing a good job?
NTA. But you should’ve honestly made a bigger deal of your wife’s cooking early on in your marriage. And at this point you’re probably better off taking over 100% of the cooking and to make the division of labor fair, she can do the dishes.
NTA, it had to be said! My husband wasn’t a great cook when we met, but was super enthusiastic. I encouraged his enthusiasm 100% and told him he was a good cook and had the potential to be a great cook. I bought him cooking related gifts often (chef knife, interesting exotic spices and seasonings) and we watched cooking shows together. I bought him a cooking class for his birthday once and he loved it. We often take classes together now and enjoy cooking, creating and entertaining so much. He’s a far better cook than me now, and I love that.
NTA
NTA. You could have put it a lot better of course, but better to warn her before someone goes to a hospital. Where does her confidence come from? It’s clear she is not a very good cook and that’s fine. Neither am I. But I don’t take pride in my lack of skill, neither do I think I am better than everyone else?
Why does she insists in cooking half the meals and also more complicated ones that can be dangerous?
NTA but you really should have been fully honest much sooner. While intending to be kind, you’ve allowed her to go several years thinking her food is edible when it’s not. You’ve only put your foot down when not doing so might have put you in the the hospital.
In your defense, I think there are some people who just cannot admit, even to themselves, that they are wrong and the other person knows better — and this sounds like what your wife is like about cooking. Nevertheless, the answer is telling her you’re sorry, but you think that being fully honest about her cooking can be the only way forward. Sometimes it’s barely edible. Sometimes, as with the under-cooked chicken, it is literally dangerous. That could have put you in hospital.
She can be upset as much as she wants about being told this, and be in denial of it, but you can no longer just bite your tongue and eat it after she denies what you say. The limit of politely pretending when she won’t listen has finally come. You can’t do it anymore. You love her, but her cooking is what it is. The answer is for her to swallow her pride and go back to square one.
Ask her how she’d feel if you kept ignoring warnings about how to wash clothes and ended up ruining clothing every time you washed anything that needed special care. Would she say nothing and just wear the shrunken or discolored clothes you’d destroyed? No? That’s what she’s like with food except that raw meat can make you severely ill. It’s not a matter of looking like a clown when you leave the house in ruined clothing, but of leaving the house in an ambulance. That’s not an exaggeration. She should look up what eating raw chicken can do to you.
NTA. 8yrs of this actually makes you a saint. I’d have lost my shit 7yrs, 11mo ago.
Any chance friends will decline a dinner invite, or ask who’s cooking before they accept and tell her exactly why?
Yeah, YTA for how you handled it rudely.
Undercooked chicken is no joke though, so deserves to be corrected politely.
Get an instant pot. I can cook, but I love how it saves time. Takes out most of the guess work re: is it done or not too
Glitter potatoes, coming in (not so) hot!
NTA. This is basic food safety and needs to be remedied. I agree with the commenter about signing up for cooking classes together. She is going to poison someone if she keeps it up.
NTA that’s just laziness on her part and complete incompetence. She probably want that 50/50 cooking split to be 100% on you
NTA.
You don’t have to be polite, and when it comes to your health, you’re allowed to be blunt. It is ridiculous for her to ignore the package instructions, your advice and anything she might google. A meat thermometer and several kitchen timers would be a good investment as well.
You need to stop doing the cooking 50/50 and instead cook TOGETHER. Every meal. She complains no one showed her how to cook chicken? Then YOU show her.
Or do what we do. My wife’s a great cook, so usually I’m her “sous chef” and then I clean up after. I can follow any recipe, but she can just throw things together with a pinch of this and that.
If she needs a break, there’s a few meals I can put together.
Get her a digital meat thermometer. Make sure she knows that meat has to be cooked to 165 to kill germs.
Find a YouTube video on cooking rice that explains why it’s 2 parts water to one part rice.
My mother never thaught me to cook either, but I know that you NEVER serve RAW chicken!!!
I also pride myself in my cooking skills and all family and friends loves to come to dinner, but I have a secret trick… I FOLLOW THE RECIPE!!!!!
Nta. At some point when no polite communication works, a person is going to snap a little. I feel your pain dude. I’ve been dodging pink chicken and pork chops for ten years.
Please tell me, how do you can do something when you never properly learned how to do it? No matter if it is about replacing a tire, building up a closet, repair the lawn mower, repair the brakes of a bike, baking, …. or cooking – there are different ways to learn.
Handling food is something, that has to be learned. Just because of a gender or the status of “adult”, “wife” does not mean that the person automaticly knows how to do it.
The propper way (someone knows how to do it, has much experience with it and is willing to teach the ropes from step one).
The self improvement (i want to reach my goal, so i try to follow instructions via internet or printed media, learning by doing, if it does not work this time i know what to do better next time)
But during the “self improvement” the journey will be much harder if other people do not know how to handle this process. This can end in stubborn “i do it my way” or in “giving up”.
I guess, there are 3 simpler ways for you, than telling your wife what you told her.
– You pay for cooking lessons
– Both of you plan and prepare the meals together – as a team
– Each of you accepts that not everybody can do everything. Then, split it – and the one that “can” do it, does it. The other one can maybe do other things much better.
(Example: I can not bake cookies. I tried it for 20 years and every time was a desaster. But i can do other stuff in the kitchen. Oh and my husband handles the meals that has somthing to do with meat. Simple meals with ground beef are no problem for me – but i do not trust myself to handle a steak, or beef wellington and so on. So, over the span of nearly 2 decades we just split it. On days he can prepare the meal, he does the meals he can handle. On days i do the cooking, i just make meals that i absolutely can do.
Dude, it is always the way “how to say it” and “how to handle things”. The voice, the volume, the choosen words, … can change everything.
Nta. Buy a meat thermometer. They all usually say the temp range for each type of meat.
NTA. Do invest in a rice cooker and a meat thermometer to take out the guesswork. Do complement her when she makes something good/ edible/ food safe to reinforce good behavior. Sign up for some fun cooking classes together. Pick a new recipe and cook it together. Hope you come out of this alive.
NTA….is she this delusional in other areas of life?
NTA. You’re in an impossible situation and it sounds like you’ve made MANY attempts – trailing her, googling correct instructions, pointing out box info – and she tells you you’re wrong or it’s the way “you like it”. You finally get a bit more direct with her and she blames her mom for not showing her. Sounds like she needs to take some time to recognize she’s deficient in this area and take steps to improve if she wants to keep cooking for others.
NTA. Definitely get her a meat thermometer and a printed list of all “done” temperatures. I cook all the time and I still forget the optimal temps for some things and am constantly just asking Alexa. It’s not hard to make sure you’re not getting salmonella. Good lord.
For the rice, it’s quite possible she just likes really really dry crunchie rice. Does she say anything about the rice when you cook it, or you get it at a restaurant?
You may need to confront her about some of these issues, like undercooking meat (particularly poultry).
You need to buy a meat thermometer and print out the FDA internal temperature guidelines.
She thinks the chicken is done? Probe it together and compare against whether it’s 165F. If it’s undercooked, poultry can be particularly dangerous.
I would also maybe offer to go to cooking classes together so you can both learn food safety and how to check for doneness.
Frankly she just sounds like she’s never been taught to cook properly. Is she willing to learn?
NTA raw chicken Is dangerous!
Gentle ESH since you’re right, but you’re going about things wrong. She is a huge A H for her behavior and risking other’s safety. You are weird for just following her around and not actually sitting and talking with her for 8 years. Of course her guests will be too uncomfortable to tell her. It’s wild she thinks she knows what she’s doing when she admits her mom didn’t teach her. It’s crazy she doesn’t Google things, watch YouTube cooking videos, or follow recipes on packaging. I imagine she probably isn’t good at assembling ikea furniture either, lol. I hope she doesn’t work at a job that has potlucks.
There’s a great opportunity here to sign up for some cooking classes and maybe take her out cookbook shopping or browse recipes online together. Also, buy a damn meat thermometer. I’m 30 and use it constantly because I am scared of serving undercooked meat. I accidentally served someone undercooked bacon when I was like 18 or 19 and she told me immediately and I’m thankful she did so I don’t give someone tapeworm or food poisoning.
Damn this is a frustrating one
ESH, tolerating her cooking and inflicting it on friends gave her misplaced confidence. Meanwhile she should have grasped the food isn’t right and people don’t enjoy it. At this point, if tell her you waited too long to tell her but her food isn’t safe or ad it should be so if she thinks it’s ok offer to take a cooking class with her to see who’s correct and you both learn.
Years ago there was a ‘Phase’ during which my Partner excused himself almost every time he cooked something because it got to salty by accident. Now, I am not the most patient gal on the Planet and around the (I don’t know … ) maybe 10th time I explodet with a: “You are an intelligent Man. There is no ‘Oh, I am sorry, i over salted per Accident’ the 10th Time in a row. Either you start caring about our Meal and taste it before putting more salt in it or you just don’t cook anymore”. Oh Lord he was pissed 🙂 But well and this is no joke, since that day it almost never happened again. So, NTA, be blunt, She is your Partner, tell her your Truth.
What about the prepackaged meals that give you step-by-step directions on how to cook them?
Doesn’t she taste what she cooks?
you weren’t the asshole until
>“Well you’re almost thirty, that’s no excuse for not knowing how to cook at all.”
Maybe she should take a food safety course.
Get her a meat thermometer and a printed, laminated sheet with safe temps for meats. Then it’s black-and-white and she can’t argue.
Also, you shouldn’t NEED to tell an adult not to serve undercooked food so you’re NTA.
For the specific situation of snapping at your wife, YTA. You said yourself that you could have been nicer. It’s your wife, not the enemy. Also, assuming a person should know to cook by X age, especially these days, is a stretch.
Generally, though, NTA. I’m not sure why she’s simultaneously insisting that she’s cooking correctly and but saying her mom never taught her how to cook X. Suggestion? After you calm things down with her, see if she’ll want to take a cooking course with you (as a couple). It might be good to get her to hear some outside perspective on the basics from someone who isn’t you, but is also a professional cook/chef.
NTA.
I cook since I was 10, I’m 34 now and still googling lots is stuff when cooking. And if I fuck something up, it’s lesson learnt and don’t do it again next time.
Also, using a meat thermometer is a game changer.
NTA. She doesn’t seem to open to criticism from you. I would agree with people saying to take a cooking class together, hopefully this will improve things.
If she’s not willing, ask her how she suggests she learns, if not open to criticism.
My rice cooker wants a 1:1 ratio, although it depends on how much you’re making and what kind. Google wants 1:1.33. Like your wife, I don’t like my rice too mushy.
I know you say you do half the cooking, but it feels like there are gendered assumptions in your description. Why is it a big deal if your wife makes a subpar meal for your friends? Who cares? When it’s your turn to cook for your friends, you can make what you want. It sounds like she feels shame about not being able to cook, and her excuse of “my mother didn’t teach me” hints that societal sexism might be a factor. You jumping down her throat and saying she’s going to kill someone is an angry overreaction that’s only going to exasperate that dynamic.
Soft YTA.
NTA, but get a good meat thermometer and both of you start using it!
No, but you can apologize by hiring a cook just for dinners.
Being served raw chicken more than once it a major red flag. Meat thermometers are so easy to use and leave nothing up to chance. NTA honestly don’t know how you’re still eating the things she is cooking for you, I would be way too paranoid
Nta, buy her a meat thermonitor
> But I’ve been nice about it for 8 years and nothing has changed.
NTA because of this. You have tried and she has chosen to ignore you. Now she’s crossed the line into doing dangerous things. It’s time to be blunt since that’s the only language she understands.
Food poisoning needs a heavy hand. Better a little argument than a lawsuit
NTA but there are things you could do to help. There are meat thermometers with labels for different types of meat.
Point out the directions on packages are there for a reason – to limit complaints. I have no idea why some people wing it when they don’t have the basics down.
One of my biggest fears is undercooked chicken. I was served some at a banquet in college and then had my first gallbladder attack. I actually refuse to eat chicken my brother cooks, as I always worry it’s undercooked.
I think you need to sit your wife down and say, “I understand you love to cook and I understand your mother never taught you how to cook chicken, but you do realize that someone can get very sick from undercooked meat, right?” This is not something you can mess around with. There needs to be a very frank conversation where you tell her what you told us: she is undercooking or overcooking things, to the point that she either risks making people sick or turns her friends away because what she is cooking is inedible. She is going to get someone extremely ill some day, and she needs to understand that!
If she is still gung ho on cooking, there are a few things to do: As someone has suggested, get cooking classes. Maybe having someone else giving her instructions will send it home that what she is doing isn’t correct. I would also suggest getting her a meat thermometer; you can get them decently cheap, and this way, she can know if something is done or not. Finally, maybe consider that you both make the same dish at the same time and then try both dishes. Perhaps by showing her how things could be made (and tasting the difference between her dish and your dish) it will click that maybe what she is doing isn’t the best way of doing things.
ESH.
First of all, you did insult your wife. BUT – she is pretty conceited if she thinks she is actually a good cook.
Here is how you solve this: BUY A MEAT THERMOMETER AND A COOKBOOK!
My husband can’t cook at all but think it’s the man who has to grill. We bought a new grill about 15 years ago, and I refused to let him use it until he actually read how to grill a steak.
NTA -Pay to send her to cooking classes and no matter what, NEVER EAT UNDERCOOKED OR RAW PORK.
NTA Your wife’s cooking habits are the same as my mother’s were.
My mother would give diners pliers when she served poultry; it was so undercooked that tools were required to separate the joints. I learned to cook; I didn’t adopt my mother’s dangerous cooking habits.
If I were you, I would stop eating inedible food that your wife serves you. I would insist that she pass a food safety course and take a basic cooking class before eating her cooking.
NTA. Ive been cooking and grilling various meats for years and I’ll still stick a meat thermometer in there as a last step. It’s a basic and easy way to ensure food safety. Zero excuse.
Start using a meat thermometer for everything. If the thermometer says it’s not done, it’s not. NTA
Undercooked food is dangerous.
At 28, the “mommy didn’t teach me” trope is pure bullshit. I’d say let her eat her undercooked chicken, but salmonella is nothing to play with.
After giving my husband food poisoning several times, I had to learn how to properly cook fish and other meats. A thermometer helped and also realizing that even though instructions said cook for 10 minutes, if the internal temp wasn’t right, it wasn’t cooked and had to be left in longer. I would legit go by the recipe or instructions and would not pay attention to whether it was actually cooked. I was in your wife’s boat, but I at least had zero ego and did not mind being instructed.
NTA. Get that woman a thermometer and into a food handler’s card class. Or just get her out of the kitchen.
Ok, this has to be hit in parts: Undercooking IS a problem, but the bigger one? Cross contamination. My husband does it and being raised by a dietitian who inspected kitchens for a living for a while, it drives. Me. NUTS!! But also I have tummy troubles, including being susceptible to infections, the last time had me really really sick for a good 3 weeks and had me overall fucked up (memory problems, couldn’t understand things I was being told or reading) for several months afterward. So for me I AM going to be THE asshole about it because it’s my fucking life we’re talking about here.
My conclusion for that part is NTA. She’s TA for risking people’s health & safety.
Now, cooking the rice? It’s 1:1, I suspect your rice is overcooked and ESAH.
I made a 7 minute video for one of my adult kids to teach him how to make perfect rice every time in a pot on the stove: How to make perfect rice every time on the stovetop by Mamia. My note re: brown rice, it *does* need a 2:1 ratio. From start to finish? (Measuring out everything + cooking time) is less than 20 minutes.
ESH. Have a rational conversation when you’re not feeling hot about it. Buy a meat thermometer. And go to some sort of class that explains proper food safety
Get her a good instant read thermometer and a chart with safe cooking temps. I can’t help you on the rice.
Buy an instant read thermometer and a rice cooker and two problems are solved.
YTA, OP, but it’s mostly from letting this go on so long. Your wife thinks she can cook for the same reason a two-year-old thinks he can ride without training wheels first try: someone is coming along behind him and holding him up.