Hi everyone, this might be a long post because its so complicated. I (22f) and my sister (19f), have been caught between the messy divorce of my dysfunctional parents (45m and 47f).
For the social context, I am from a third world asian country where patriarchy is still huge and divorces aren’t common.
My family has been a hot mess for most of my life but I cannot believe the total shit show it has become in the past 4 years.
My dad has been infidel, and emotionally and at times physically abusive towards us for as far as I can remember. He had an alcohol problem and would often beat me and my sister up when he was drunk or when we were misbehaving (we are very disciplined). My mother, over the years, has become emotionally abusive, esp. towards my sister, as she cannot handle what my father has put her through.
I moved to the US 4 years ago for my undergrad and was away from my family since middle school, whereas my younger sister has been in between all of this mess.
My father started an affair with a younger married woman (35f), 4 years ago and has been smitten with her. Both of them tried to convince my mother to live polygamously (which is illegal in my country). When I found out and did not approve of that, he left our family and moved away. Over the years, his mistress has managed to take our assets and cash saved up for our college fund, approx. $250k (which is a lot in my country), blackmail my dad of a rape case incase he tried to leave her without financial security, laugh at my mother when she was crying, and talk shit about her own daughter (yes she has a daughter). My dad also foraged my mother’s signature to withdraw cash for her.
Last year, he filed a case against all three of us for our financial assests to be divided equally, so he can legally be with his mistress.
I cut contact with him for over half a year but have recently started to talk to him as he doesn’t seem to be doing so well mentally. Now, he wants me to convince my mother to speed up the legal process so he can be done with the case and live his life in peace. He said that I should be supportive and happy for him, and help him get out of this legal mess. I care for him, and he has always supported us financially but there is no way I can convince him to see that his mistress is a gold digger who would leave him for a richer man.
I do agree with him about closing the case as it is emotionally exhausting and vain. My parents are never getting back together but my mother wants him to suffer a bit longer for the sense of justice and tbh pettiness. My sister who is back home gets verbally and emotionally abused by my mother who gets upset when she doesn’t want to listen to her rant about my father for the millionth time. I feel so helpless that I cannot help my sister. I do not know how to deal with all of this and tbh most days I am tired of picking up everybody’s mess. I love my mother but all she can talk about is her own problems even when she knows I am working and in office.
Anyways, would I be an idiot if I do convince my mother to wrap up the case? That way my father gets what he wants and can marry his mistress.
Anyone who has had a cheating parent, which I am so sorry you had to go through that, but please advise how you dealt with it and how I can protect my sister.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Hi everyone, this might be a long post because its so complicated. I (22f) and my sister (19f), have been caught between the messy divorce of my dysfunctional parents (45m and 47f).
For the social context, I am from a third world asian country where patriarchy is still huge and divorces aren’t common.
My family has been a hot mess for most of my life but I cannot believe the total shit show it has become in the past 4 years.
My dad has been infidel, and emotionally and at times physically abusive towards us for as far as I can remember. He had an alcohol problem and would often beat me and my sister up when he was drunk or when we were misbehaving (we are very disciplined). My mother, over the years, has become emotionally abusive, esp. towards my sister, as she cannot handle what my father has put her through.
I moved to the US 4 years ago for my undergrad and was away from my family since middle school, whereas my younger sister has been in between all of this mess.
My father started an affair with a younger married woman (35f), 4 years ago and has been smitten with her. Both of them tried to convince my mother to live polygamously (which is illegal in my country). When I found out and did not approve of that, he left our family and moved away. Over the years, his mistress has managed to take our assets and cash saved up for our college fund, approx. $250k (which is a lot in my country), blackmail my dad of a rape case incase he tried to leave her without financial security, laugh at my mother when she was crying, and talk shit about her own daughter (yes she has a daughter). My dad also foraged my mother’s signature to withdraw cash for her.
Last year, he filed a case against all three of us for our financial assests to be divided equally, so he can legally be with his mistress.
I cut contact with him for over half a year but have recently started to talk to him as he doesn’t seem to be doing so well mentally. Now, he wants me to convince my mother to speed up the legal process so he can be done with the case and live his life in peace. He said that I should be supportive and happy for him, and help him get out of this legal mess. I care for him, and he has always supported us financially but there is no way I can convince him to see that his mistress is a gold digger who would leave him for a richer man.
I do agree with him about closing the case as it is emotionally exhausting and vain. My parents are never getting back together but my mother wants him to suffer a bit longer for the sense of justice and tbh pettiness. My sister who is back home gets verbally and emotionally abused by my mother who gets upset when she doesn’t want to listen to her rant about my father for the millionth time. I feel so helpless that I cannot help my sister. I do not know how to deal with all of this and tbh most days I am tired of picking up everybody’s mess. I love my mother but all she can talk about is her own problems even when she knows I am working and in office.
Anyways, would I be an idiot if I do convince my mother to wrap up the case? That way my father gets what he wants and can marry his mistress.
Anyone who has had a cheating parent, which I am so sorry you had to go through that, but please advise how you dealt with it and how I can protect my sister.
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First of all, I’m sorry that your parents have put you and your sister in the middle of this.
I think you should tell your father that if he wants to wrap this up a little faster he should increase the settlement amount that your mother gets. Even if it’s just $1000 it’s the principle of the matter.
One thing I would crush you about, you give excuses for why your mother abuses your sister. And you blame your father. Your father is guilty of being an abusive AH – he didn’t protect his own children instead he physically abuse them when he was drunk. A complete application of his responsibilities and you owe him nothing.
But being in a bad marriage isn’t an excuse for your mother abusing your sister. Lots of people are in bad marriages, but don’t abuse their own children.
So what do you do? Tell your dad you’ll encourage your mother to speed up the divorce if he throws in a little bit of extra money for her.
Then you save up and you find an apartment that you and your sister can live in together. It must be absolutely hellish for her living with your mother, and God only knows what it’s doing to her self-esteem in her sense of self worth. Your parents don’t deserve your pity or your empathy, but your sister certainly does and she deserves your help. You were privileged to be sent away from them from middle school, that’s a huge advantage when you come from a dysfunctional home. So I strongly encourage you to try and help your sister out and get the break that you got.
Good luck
Do you still live in the United States ? Do you plan, or have the ability, to stay in the US ?
The degree to which you can have any legal influence depends strongly on the actual third-world patriarchal society where your parents live. You can be emotionally supportive of your sister, or even directly financially support her, but both of you are adults and so are your parents.
If you were a divorce attorney or a family law attorney, you would have some ability to directly help your mother resist this family assets division effort. As it is, you can probably contribute to her legal fees.
>my mother wants him to suffer a bit longer for the sense of justice and tbh pettiness.
Your mother may have a chance of happiness and independence once her divorce is final and the settlement is complete. Marinating in misery so that your father postpones his inevitable discard by his mistress seems counterproductive.