Ok. So I would really appreciate advice that is helpful and not judging me. I already feel like a terrible human. But my partner of 8 years is just letting himself go completely.
He’s gained a tonne of weight. He got a tooth pulled instead of fixing it because he doesn’t care if he has a tooth missing when he smiles. I care. Teeth are one of the most attractive things to me, everytime he smiles I get the ick.
He is 8 yrs older than me M44 I’m F36 and it’s just like he’s given up the past few years. I want to be attracted to him but I’m not. That’s me being entirely honest with no fluffy stuff. I can’t stand seeing him going to the cupboard and eating all the time because i just think what are you doing have some self control!
For reference I’m not overweight. Take care of myself. Put effort in to how I look. Looks aren’t everything to me but they damn well matter.
How do I approach this? I’ve tried subtle and he says he eats well blah blah blah. I see his bank statements he eats shit all day long. He lies about it.
He doesn’t have great self esteem so I do not want to hurt him. Ever. But I can’t keep pretending like this isn’t a major issue for me.
I know this is vein. But it’s how I feel. I don’t know how to fix this.
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Maybe there are some mental health issues and using food for comfort?
You could suggest working out together, maybe suggesting that you’re having healthier meals and going for a walk in the evenings or whatever and ask him to join you?
It’s a sensitive subject, if he is noticeably overweight then address it as wanting him to be healthy and maybe he may need to see a doctor to assist with weight loss?
Good luck
I would approach it from a lifestyle point of view. It’s important for you to be active and eat healthy. Don’t mention the weight. Just encourage him to make healthy choices that will overall help his wellbeing. Has he been to the doctor and checked his cholesterol? That could be a wake up call?
Really there’s nothing YOU can do to make him change. He has to realize that he’s not making healthy choices and it will affect him eventually.
I mean – he clearly doesnt love himself so how can he love you when he has so little interest in himself?
It doesnt look like he will change and you know this, you can try have a proper conversation with him saying exactly all of this, that you still care about him, you still love him but he has let himself go and he is no longer the person that you were once attracted to.
If he says that he will change for both of you – you can try see if his words matches his actions for the next few weeks, or you’ll just have to let him go unfortunately.
This is not only just for you but also for him, sometimes people only change once they’ve lost everything.
One thing I learnt – you can’t really make anyone change. They have to get to their lowest point before they can bounce back up.
Using food for comfort by the sounds of things – and if he has just given up, maybe its time for him to see a therapist. But again, its not something you can force.
You can’t. It has to come from him. Changing someone because you want it not them never works.
You can however have a conversation about how you’re feeling whilst understanding the outcome of that may not be what you want.
This is super-tricky but telling him so he can do something about it would be kinder than ending up leaving him because you can’t ever see yourself being attracted to him again. If you were my partner I woukd want to know, so I could fix it.
It is not vain for you to want to still be sexually attracted to your partner.
You could focus on the health angle as higher body fat is not good for long term health, rather than this purely being an aesthetic concern.
Ultimately you know your partner better than anyone here to gauge how best to approach this but the one certainty is that saying nothing isn’t the right thing to do for either of you.
Could you set up a reward system? HJ for 5 pounds lost? BJ for 10 pounds? His favorite kink when he hits 50 pounds?
I don’t think is vein, nor I think you are in the wrong. we all get married knowing the our bodies will change and we will get old together, and that is also part of the fun, but in my opinion we want to change keeping at the same time a sense of dignity and self respect. our body and soul would change based on our preconceived image of well being, having said all that, and I am saying it in the most respectful way possible, but ib think your partner is going through a big depressive episode. the description you are portraying is very typical of a midlife depression crisis. see it too often in my practice. try to talk to him, try to get help. It is not about how he looks but his state of mind. Now if he was always like that then I may be wrong, but if he just recently changed, then I would be concerned. try to talk to him, try to figure things out
Approach it as concern for his mental and physical health.
But honestly, just because you have been together for 8 years doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. It sounds like he pretty much grosses you out at this point.
I don’t think you’re being vain or shallow. People are allowed to have preferences. My partner and I are in our late 40’s and we take care of ourselves. I don’t think we would be together if either of us did like your partner.
The reality is that people change because they have a reason to do so…… for him, there are clearly reasons why loosing weight or looking after himself in ways that matter to you are not as important as the comfort he gets from eating. Food can be incredibly emotionally complex for many people. These topics can seem like a simple choice about eating well or not eating well, but can actually be a complex mix of emotional issues, health issues, things like gut bacteria which can really influence how we metabolise food, etc etc. You can’t just convince him to change all of that…. He has to want to change it, and for that to happen, something needs to shift in his life that compels him to do so.
Talk to him and don’t sugar coat it, the man already consumes too much sugar.
Tell him you’re not attracted to him anymore because of his weight and lack of self-care. That you don’t see a future with him unless he makes serious changes.
Men are generally stupid and if you make it nice and gentle he just won’t get it.
There’s some science behind it, but there’s this whole idea that you can’t change behaviour until the attitude changes – for example, your partner never recycles properly, despite you asking and showing them a thousand times. However by changing their attitude to the environment, they then adopt a better understanding of the importance of recycling.
Your partner must know what they are doing and the effects it will have on their health and your relationship. You telling him to stop and improve won’t work, until you work with him to change his underlying attitude as to why he doesn’t care. There’s loads on the internet about it if you’re interested. There’s also a method called “Motivational Interviewing” which was developed to change a specific negative behaviour; there might be something there for you. Good luck.