My husband and I have been married for barely 6 months and it feels like every belief I thought we shared was just not right. I am incredibly liberal. Im a queer, nb, POC. He is a cishet, white man. But the things he’s been saying have freaked me out. I plan on being child free. He knows that. Everyone in my family knows that. But he brought up the fact that “having kids might be more important than he thought” when he had already told me that he really didn’t care either way. And we talked more and we came to the conclusion that we are still okay with being child free. I had then explained a bit later that I’m gonna look into getting a hysterectomy or some form of sterilization and he was not happy. He said it went against his beliefs and that he doesn’t know if he would be able to stay with me if I went through with it. So I offered a compromise. Since he cares so much about my health then he can get a vasectomy. He didn’t like that solution either and said he isn’t permanently changing his body and he just has a general problem with permanent changes. He thinks I want it purely for convenience.
That is the most recent example. But there are other smaller ones. I told him I’m not comfortable with him joking about hitting or killing me cause those are things that statistically can very well happen and while he’s mostly stopped about the killing jokes the hitting ones he flat-out refused to stop. And got upset with me for bringing up the stats again and said, “I’m not going to make you a statistic so shut up about it”
He then compared it to me joking about killing myself which I thought wasn’t fair cause I use humor to cope with all of my previous traumas and the fact that I did indeed attempt multiple times.
And it’s turning that some of our political beliefs in general aren’t aligning. Like he told me he didnt vote for trump, but im not sure if that’s just cause he knew I would without a doubt end our relationship if he did. (And before you say something about this, I am not going to continue to date someone who supports a man who stands against everything that I am.)
I don’t know i feel like I might be rambling at this point cause its super late.
*Edit to add: We have had full sit down talks to make sure we were at least mostly on the same page. Things like, if our bc would he support me getting an abortion, future finances, career paths all of that. While he says hed support with the abortion thing he has also made jokes about hiding my BC if I go back on the pill. I currently have an IUD. That I was planning on getting removed cause it messes with things way more than my pill did so I wanted to go back.
*He also now says that he wants me to be a SAHW which absolutely no shade to them but I literally hate being in charge of cleaning. I will keep my spaces clean but cleaning up after others makes me want to peel my skin off. And since he’s joining the military come March of next year we will likely be out of the country so me finding work is going to be difficult especially since he wants to change locations every 4 years.
I absolutely love this man I just don’t know how to take all these changes
Tldr; My husband’s and I seem to what feels like suddenly have very different beliefs and I am not sure if I am overreacting by being upset about this.
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You’re not overreacting. He’s actively telling you he’s a dangerous person. How long until he goes from joking about hitting you to actually hitting you? How long until he sabotages whatever birth control method y’all use? Make sure your money and your personal documents (birth certificate, etc.) are secure and start planning a way out of this.
He sounds pretty awful.
Both of you are 22, your character changes drastically still. That’s why most people in western societies marry later.
Him suddenly wanting kids is at minimum very unfortunate, at maximum it’s manipulation. This is something he should have brought up before a marriage. Bringing it up afterwards could well be an attempt to coerce you. (Could also be that he didn’t know that beforehand, but seeing how he behaves around you, I wouldn’t vouch for him)
Marriage / divorce can be a sensitive topic in some contexts. But you should leave a bad relationship as soon as possible. Generally, it only gets worse. Look for support if your context doesn’t approve of divorce. The other people on here have contacts for safe and anonymous help for sure. I am not from the US.
All the best!
First of all, know that very few doctors will perform a voluntary hysterectomy. You would need to find a lgbtq friendly doctor who performs gender affirming care.
Even if you just wanted a tubal ligation, many doctors will not do it at your age, and some would even require your husband to sign off on it. The joys of being born female /s. Just mentally prepare yourself to have to go through a few doctors before you find one who will honor your wishes.
That being said, it is your body. If he wants children, he will have to find someone else. It’s not his decision.
FWIW, I am also not a fan of hitting and killing jokes. I don’t find them funny at all. Even when I hear them about other people, they make me feel unsafe for that person.
You guys are pretty young. You can try marriage counseling to work on your communication, respecting each other’s differences without judgement, etc. Good communication in a relationship can be learned. It takes practice, but it can definitely be done. Hopefully he will be open to it.
Sounds like he created a fake persona to snare you. Now that you’re married, he thinks he has you trapped so it’s okay to start revealing the “real” him, and he looking like a real sorry sack of a human being.
Uhhh…. Leave.
Red flags everywhere. And he definitely voted for Trump.
I do not think you are safe in this relationship. he might coerce you or even force you (by tempering with BC) to get pregnant, he might hurt you otherwise
this is an unpopular oponion, but I believe nobody should be getting married before 25. you are still very much not full adult yet. your brain is still developing. and with that, it is quite possible, that he firmly believed, that he would be ok w/o kids. or he believed that YOU might change your mind because you are still maturing. although 6 months is suspiciously quick to realise that.
The simple fact is that he changed dramatically after getting married. Regardless of the details, that’s a big problem. He went along with you in discussions because he had no intention of honoring any agreement he made. Because he was deliberately dishonest with you in important discussions about your future, how well do you actually know this guy?
How long did you know this man before marrying him? It sounds like a bait and switch type situation. He made himself out to be something he’s not. Deal BREAKER!
Please be careful OP. It’s a small step from talking about killing you to killing and hurting you. Especially since he continues to bring it up. Another red flag DEAL BREAKER!
As far as politics you can agree not to discuss them. But if you feel it’s important to have someone with your views, you’ve got problems. Another red flag, DEAL BREAKER!
Maybe some couples counseling or pre-marital counseling when you can get to know his real values. Just be careful OP.
It sounds as if he’s a little off to deceive you so to marry you, if that’s what he did. Now his true colors are coming through. If you feel unsafe based on his threats/talking about killing you. DEAL BREAKER! There’s no shame n in leaving.
I’m just worried about his implied threats to hurt or kill you. Please be careful if you decide to stay with this man and ask for counseling. Again, even though your already married pre-marital counseling would benefit you.
BTW I’m childless too. Never wanted children so I stayed on the pill. You can now get IUDs that are safe. I tried for years to get a tubal or hysterectomy. You need a reason for the hysterectomy and without children most doctors will not give you a tubal, in my experience.
Jesus. Genuinely OP wtf? Here’s a list of things your husband has done till date –
I think you’re severely underreacting if anything.
You need to get out asap before he hurts you. And he will. No normal man jokes about killing their wife unless they’re testing her reaction to it. He’s testing your boundaries slowly to see what you will and will not be comfortable with. Believe him because he’s showing you exactly what type of husband he’ll be. You need to get out and you need to blindside him. He may get violent if you disclose your plans. Get money/cash, get a safe place (which he doesn’t know of), get a burner phone and leave. You can get your stuff later when he’s away or out, but don’t tell him when you’ll come by. Always have a friend/family member come with you. Don’t tell your common friends where you’re living for the duration.
You are like the perfect example of “internet brain.” Using all the keywords.
It’s funny, but I hope this guy finds himself a different nice lady.
>(And before you say something about this, I am not going to continue to date someone who supports a man who stands against everything that I am.)
Yet here you are married to someone who’s exactly what you didn’t want in a husband.. either you had your blinkers on here or he had you fooled.
Any chance he’s been listening to some manosphere podcasts lately?
Either way, OP if you extract yourself now, you can do so with minimal scarring. You got married too young. You had no way of knowing who he was. He didn’t know who he was. I don’t even recognise my 22 year old self and I’m 40 now. At BEST this guy will just compromise and keep his mouth shut (already not happening), but he’s still going to be this person who wants these things. You’re not compatible and at worst, he’s dangerous. He thinks you should be submitting to him. It wouldn’t even OCCUR to my husband to joke about hitting me. We are fucking equals and I’m (by far) the breadwinner.
He played along with you until he had you locked down. Now he’s changing the rules and is clearly waiting til you are further isolated with the move to enforce his rule.
I wouldn’t tolerate anyone who dictated my healthcare or make threats of violence towards me. He doesn’t sound like a safe partner.
No one should be married at 22. Girl you should be at the club!!
Jokes have truth in them, you’re still young, very young, get out now. My ex husband was the same, told me he was progressive, cooked, cleaned, made lots of promises said it was ok I kept my last name. Then we got married and he admitted he voted for Trump as a POC immigrant, listened to Joe Rogan religiously, and even though I worked 80hr a week in the hospital during the pandemic, I had to cook dinner every night while he was working finance remotely at home. Mine also got very defensive when I mentioned I’d leave if he ever became abusive. Only took two years before he hit me the first time.
I’m very worried about you. He will not get better, only worse. Go to r/abusiverelationships and see if anything resonates with you
You got married far too young. Neither of you are the person you will be when you’re 25. What was the rush?
Annulment before it too late.
You are undereacting especially to the “jokes” about killing you… what??? How is that even remotely funny?
It sounds like you married someone who isn’t compatible in the slightest and I am guessing from your post that this is because he was pretending or you overlooked some serious incompatibilities … as well as him being a psycho-joking about killing you…
He’s probably going to try get you pregnant at some point. I’d even be concerned about him tampering wirh birth control.
Also why is he making hitting or killing jokes at all? Where’s the joke, what’s funny?
Or is that thing where they say “it’s a joke” to invalidate your feelings about their shirry behaviour.
You’re 22, leave…. Even single forever is better than this, but you’ll very likely find someone else.
Look back and spot when all this really started and hold awareness of that next time you date
Him wanting to be in the army should have been your first red flag.
OP, get out of this marriage before you end up completely alone and pregnant on an army base somewhere with no friends or family around you.
You two are fundamentally different.
I would very much advise you to not be alone with him anymore, especially when you tell him you’re breaking up with him.
Please consult a lawyer and look for a place to live. You have to have everything in order before you tell him.