My best friend (35F) is engaged to a guy (40M) who I actually like overall.
My friend and I no longer live close so our main activity together is going out for lunch or dinner at the halfway point.
Her fiancée has this habit that started as annoying but is now a step above that.
I like to get a few different appetizers instead of a main course. He’ll always say “You’re getting all that?” Or even tell the waiter “I don’t think we need all that,” like I’m a child.
It’s weird and frustrating and I can’t get it to stop. We always do separate tabs so it’s not as though it’s a financial concern. It never breaks up the pace of the meal, I just get the appetizers served during the main course.
I’ve tried playing it off in a light but clear way, I’ve tried politely addressing it. It goes right over their heads. I’ve asked my friend about it privately and she says “Yeah, it’s annoying, he does it to me too. But he’s great overall so, I look past it.”
I obviously won’t lose my relationship with one of my oldest and closest friends over this but it is making me extremely uncomfortable, I already have poor body image and relationship to food.
Any ideas what I can do? Thanks in advance.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Did you ask clearly your friend if you can counter attack??
Then, and whatever your friend says, just be clear during a meal and ask him to stop criticizing what you are eating. If you don’t do it, it will probably last forever.
Simply tell him it’s none of his business what you order.
When he tells the waitress something simply look at the waitress and say “This is my order, please disregard his comments on MY food”.
I’d have sternly told him to knock it off by now.
Try using a voice like you might use to discipline a child.
“keep your rating disorder to yourself, Kevin.”
“Why are you commenting on what I eat? Please stop.” That’s all you need to say. If he keeps on his bullshit, remind him: “I asked you to stop. If you can’t stop commenting on my food, I’m going to stop going out to eat with you.“
What everyone else said, but also, why cant you and your fried have a pleasant lunch just the 2 of you? Why is he always there? That must change the depth and closeness of the conversation.
You need to be clear and direct. Don’t be afraid to step on his toes because right now he’s doing more than that to you.
A simple “I would appreciate if you kept your opinions about what I eat to yourself. I don’t need criticism in relation to my eating habits and choices, i find it is a violation of my boundaries”
You need to call it out as he says it. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s relying on your relationship with your friend to keep you quiet. This is a form of control. As bad as he is with you, he’s worse with her. If she marries him he’ll soon isolate her from all her friends.
“Nobody fucking asked you, Kevin”
How you approach this will vary based on a whole bunch of information we do not have.
Are you able to find out if your friend’s fiancé provides the same type of critique over business meals? Does he comment similarly about what other men eat or drink in general?
What about this 40M’s parents? Has your 31F friend observed his parents during a meal? Is Daddy viewed as a wise leader via his helpful guidance (read: over control) of everyone at the table?
Is this type of overcontrol present elsewhere with this man? (“You don’t need all those tools.” “That’s not how I’d do it.” “Really? You’re going to do that?”)
OP, you’ve said you like this man overall. Based on what? Can you confirm he is receptive to constructive criticism and disagreement?
Generally, people are more receptive to criticism if they don’t feel ganged up on. So if you think this man would not behave reactively if you disagreed with the appropriateness of his behavior, and you’re on otherwise good terms, your best bet would be to address it with him privately (as you have already privately discussed it with your friend, and publicly attempted to redirect).
How you discuss it depends on where this behavior comes from, but in general it’s best to avoid dragging out every past infraction and to instead focus on how he can behave differently moving forward. As tempting as it can be to provide copious evidence, you don’t actually need to prove your position beyond a reasonable doubt here, and doing so anyway risks establishing an adversarial dynamic (which, in ongoing personal relationships, is inadvisable).
“I’m glad he’s great to you in your relationship for you to be willing to look past these comments. He can stop talking about my food or I’m not willing to eat meals with him anymore and to be honest, I am concerned that you would allow him to joke at me about something you know is really personal for me.”
Because girl, your friends self image has to be in a the porta potty drainage ditch for her to allow him to speak that way. I learned in single digit ages not to comment on people’s food and if a man I was dating fixed his face to tell my friend she should feel weird bc we love an egg roll platter or something I would cause a scene so mortifying to him he would simply never eat at a restaurant again. Your friend is an ASSSSSS for continuing to bring him to meals knowing he has the self control of a fucking wet dog in a room full of clean towels. This is something that should have happened no more than one time without him being put in a to go box.
Next time he says something you say “sorry, why do you always comment about my self control like your verbal diarrhea is more socially acceptable than simply eating??????” In a voice of EXTREME confusion.
He is trying to instigate a fight with you and your friend and your friend is letting him do that. Fuck the both of them. And if you get them a wedding gift make sure it’s a food scale.
Also every time you see him make a comment about his outfit that he’s in some way shape or form brave for not caring what people think of him. “You know, with the stuff you say and how you dress. It’s very brave for you to not care”
Um, go out with your friend alone? That’s what you do.
Tell your friend her fiancée is not welcome to your lunches anymore until he learns not to be judgmental and make other people uncomfortable.
Show him how annoying he’s being. When he orders, tell the waiter he probably doesn’t need that and ask if there something low carb/low calorie they can bring him. If your friend gets mad, tell her you’re tired of asking politely and maybe you two could have lunch without him.
Well for one thing, stop eating with both of them.
next time, be direct. ‘Person, stop commenting on what I order. It’s off putting so knock it off. Can you do that?”
make sure you ask that so he is compelled to reply. If he gets defensive or deflects or patronizing or angry, he’s a jerk. The only acceptable answer is “oh sorry, of course”.
if he keeps it up, tell him in the moment “Dude I don’t want to hear it” then ignore him and change the subject.
then stop dining with him.
Why does he go with you and your friend?
Your friend can decide for herself if she wants to let it slide or not. Don’t let it stop you from confronting the guy sternly. Tell him “Brian, I’m not interested in your opinion about my order so please keep it to yourself”. If it doesn’t work, tell your friend that you’re not joining lunch/dinner if he’s there.
Try saying to your friend when he does this; not to him directly.
“I’ve never met a man who was/is so fixation on what I eat!”
Laugh and leave it at that.
He’s obviously fishing for a reaction, that’s what you really should be looking at here. He’s a crumby person, he knows you don’t like it, but he persists.
I wonder what other things she lets slide because he’s great overall.
Overall means over all.
Your friend really should be shutting him down and if he continues leaving him out of outings with you until he can behave like a big boy.
Next time, say he thinks I’m fat, so he makes comments on my food orders. Please ignore it.
It’s something my aunt used to do to her dad, and he eventually stopped since it made him feel awkward.
He’s not commenting on the food – he’s asserting control. You’ve already been polite. Next time, a firm “I’m happy with what I ordered, thanks” said with zero emotion might shut it down.
I don’t know if it works in this case, but I would make it a joke he always says that. A joke that makes it veryyyy clear that you know he always says that, so that it becomes laughable how predictable he is. Which will also show that a) you heard him and b) you don’t see any reason to listen to it because it can’t be taken serious. Then whenever he repeats himself again, you just laugh about it (not in a mean way, just in a ‘ahw that’s Steve again!’ way that allows him to also laugh at himself, although it can also be a bit painfull.)
For example, I always have the point pre-waiter where you discuss what you like to order among each other. At this point, I would probably say ‘I will do the fries, the calimares and the small side salad’ then go stare at the friend, stay silent and then (if he hasn’t said anything yet) laugh and say ‘now come on, say it!’ ‘say it then!’, and if he acts confused ‘ah, you have to say that I order all this! If you don’t say it, how do I know it’s enough!’ Just repeat it every time until either it becomes a ritual that loses its critique, or until he is ashamed enough to drop it.
Or whenever he says it, laugh, says ‘there it is!’. Best if your friend is clued in and laughs with you, because you both know he does it and it’s so predictable!
Variations: ‘ah there he is! Always confused about how much women can eat!’ ‘Oh no Steve, are you sure YOU can finish all that?’ (especially if he orders, o horror, two things) ‘I must have dessert, don’t want Steve to think that was enough!’, all with a big laugh. Make it clear it’s a weird habbit of HIM, not of you!
Say “excuse me, could you repeat that”
Then, if he repeats that say “and why did you say that”
And if he explains say “and why do you think it’s appropriate to comment on what I eat”
He will talk himself into an awkward corner.
“Hey if you comment on my food again I’m going to leave,” and then do it. If you haven’t eaten it yet, leave and don’t pay for it. If you started eating it, ask the waiter for the check and a to go box
This is showing red flags. If he is this controlling about food even with others. There absolutely no way he isn’t controlling in other ways. I’m sure your friend just hasn’t made that connection yet. And I would start being blunt “well y at the bright side the one eating all of that is me not you” “hmm it is a lot of appetizers it’s a good thing I’m getting them and paying for them all myself” or “it’s rude to comment on other people’s food. If you don’t like my order that’s fine but unless I ask for your opinion it’s really not wanted or needed. Now can you stop being rude so we can all enjoy our food” then I expect him to go on a tirade about him trying to “helpful” and just repeat “you’re being rude. When I want your opinion about my food I will ask for it”. Also why can you have dinner with just your friend? Just say “hey want to have dinner just one on one? I miss hanging out with just you and speaking freely” if she says no because he needs to be there then she’s probably in a toxic/abusive/co depend relationship. Listen to the La gage she uses. And sometimes it’s not about losing a relationship or not. It’s just about putting boundaries. If she gets mad and decides not to be your friend anymore because of him I would just say “I understand. If things ever change. Or one day you need help or someone to vent too, you have my number. You are always welcome to call me I don’t care how many years down the road it is. Love you”
Next time he does it call him out there and then. Tell him you don’t appreciate the comments and want them to stop. Don’t try to be lighthearted or jokey, tell him straight and clear. His comments are unnecessary, annoying and rude. He needs to stop. If he refuses or keeps doing it tell your friend you’ve had enough. If she wants to put up with it that is her choice, but you choose not to. So she can leave him at home if she wants to continue meeting up with you.
I’d just tell your friend that you don’t want to meet up if she’s bringing her fiance because you’re sick to death of him disrespecting you in restaurants.
If you end up in the situation where you have to be around him while eating and he is attempting to critique your food again, just tell him, “You’re not funny!! Stop being inappropriate!! What I eat is none of your business, and these inappropriate comments need to stop now!!!” If he tries to laugh it off, say, “an apology would be more appropriate than laughter! I don’t have to put up with this!” And leave. You don’t have to put up with this – he’s 40 years old for Christ’s sake – stand your ground!!
My spidey-sense is saying he may be controlling/grooming her. Really listen the next time you all hang out (ideally it’s just you and her) for red flags between them. Then proceed from there.
It’s sad that your friend is settling for that kind of behavior. He probably feels he’s “older and wiser” about shit like this and you “girls” just need a firm hand guiding you. Total ick.
You ever see that episode of How I Met Your Mother where Ted has an uber talkative girlfriend, but has a blind spot and doesn’t notice it until the group points it out? And then afterwards all he does is notice it?
Let’s do that here. Next time he does it, you want to remain as cool as a cucumber and say the following with zero defensiveness, like you’re genuinely curious. And you aren’t going to use absolutes, like always or never, or say this like you’re even remotely angry or upset. “Hey, I’ve noticed that you make comments on what I order nearly every time we’re at a restaurant together. You seem remarkably invested in the choices I make for myself. Can I ask why?”
Then patiently wait for him to answer, with a pleasant look on your face. Hopefully this will do two things:
And patiently wait for him to scramble once again to come up with a justification for being offended that doesn’t make him seem petty and kinda unhinged. He’ll very likely revert again to denial or accusing you of making a big deal out of nothing (“what, can’t a guy make a comment?!”). At which point you throw up your hands as if to say “I surrender” and say, “oh, maybe I’m wrong.” And let it drop.
Then repeat, repeat, repeat. He will come to have an almost Pavlovian response to this, knowing that if he opens his mouth to criticize, that’s he’ll have to face this same dang conversation all over again. And each time it becomes increasingly ridiculous to claim he doesn’t make comments/isn’t weirdly invested, both to him and to everyone else at the table. And he might try to deflect with anger or jokes, but more than likely, he’ll just make a very big point of saying nothing at all. And in his head, it’ll be a “so there!” But to everyone else, it’ll be blissfully quiet ordering process with no rude criticism. Win win!
This isn’t strange. It’s controlling. I’d hate to see what he’ll control next
Why is her fiance joining you in your catch up? He should not be there. Hang out with her 1:1. Hate how people are forced to socialise with their friends SO, like yes you should meet during social events with others but if you’re trying to catch up with your best friend, why is her partner there?
Ultimately your friend should be the one to call her partner to order but is it possible she’s agrees with him?
You need to return the awkward to sender. You can’t quietly shame him into being a decent human being, so make a fuss.
I know you love your friend, and it’s concerning that he tries to issue late her by alienating her friends, but I would tell her that you want to see her without having your order criticised, and if he’s refuses it stop being rude to you, you’ll need to meet up on your own or do an activity where he’s not actively spoiling your day.
And frankly, I’d bring a book at eat at my own table if that happens again.
My friend once asked if her husband could come to lunch with us. I said no. They are now divorced; he’s a hot mess. We are still good friends who meet for meals. I’d just say no to him tagging along- it’s weird.