Let me put it into context. My 37-year-old boyfriend hasn’t worked in four years (practically the entire duration of our relationship). He’s earned a master’s degree, which he thought would allow him to work, but that hasn’t been the case. Now he’s studying to take an exam and apply for better positions. Yesterday, I politely asked him how long he was going to wait to find work this way instead of looking for other career options. He hasn’t spoken to me since. I’ve never pressured him about the subject, but this year my residency ends, I’ve bought an apartment, and I’d like to get married (he proposed last year), but obviously we can’t do it if he’s not working. I understand it’s a sensitive subject for him, but going an entire day without speaking to me seems a bit exaggerated. Is he manipulating me so I won’t pressure him about the subject?
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5 years not working. What is he doing with his days?
By now he should have got any job he can get.
You have every right to dump his ass and kick him out if he doesn’t get a job.
I have a technical background. I had to go work in Poundland stacking shelves for nearly a year before finding other work.
It’s ultimatum time. 5 years is ridiculous.
I assume you are paying for everything mostly.
Can you clarify something here?
Are you saying that he completed that degree 4 years ago and has not worked since?
Who pays his bills?!?
This is how he will handle problems when you are married together. You do not deserve to be stone-walled just because you recognized an issue in life and wanted to find a solution. It’s information that affects you too.
He has no intention of working. Well maybe if his unicorn job showed up and begged him!
Do you live together? How does he support himself? Do you pay for everything?
Yes, he is manipulating you by sulking and freezing you out until you tell him not to worry, you’ll pay for everything. Is this what you want in a partner? I wouldn’t rush to marry him. Let him prove himself first.
Not totally clear. Why would a Masters degree get him a job? What was it in? What exam is he taking? Are you supporting him? Dude frankly sounds like a slacker & a user. Why in the world would you even consider marrying him? Hope you didn’t include him on the apartment title
Red flag he hasn’t worked the whole 4yrs of y’all relationship so basically you been paying all the bills carrying the weight of everything on your back and you still want to get married smh
What does he do all day?
How does he pay his bills?
Does he show any ambition to actually go out and work?
Why hasn’t he taken any job, even McDonald’s in the meantime?
What about this man, who hasn’t worked for four years is appealing?
And then there is me working and learning everyday so I can be worthy to my family.
That’s a preview to what living with him would be like every time a hard discussion comes up. Sound good?
So five years ago would be middle of COVID losing job back end of it. Job markets went to hell and aren’t exactly in a great state still depending on where you are.
Improving education is defintiely a way to improve employability but yeah there is only so long you can bang the same drum before you need to try something else.
I would be curious what exactly you said to him though as it may not have come across quite as politely as you said/intended. Given the situation he is probably stressed and you may have just added onto that but he maybe should of said he needed some space
He’s a professional student. You’re simply wasting your time. If you are on a timeline of course (kids, etc)
He’ll keep moving the goal post.. once he gets his dream job.. he’ll ask you to wait for the year mark to get his money right and so on and so on.
Homegirl , make that decision now than later.
You got engaged to a man that at that point had been 3 years unemployed? Return the ring and block him everywhere. He is a mooch.
He doesn’t want to work if he’s had a degree for 3 years. Is he holding out for a job with pay starting at $500K?
The longer he goes without work history, the more difficult it will be to find a good job.
The ignoring would be my que to walk away. No one has time for a grown man temper tantrum.
He isn’t where you are. He is content being somewhat lazy. You will always have to foot the bill, and you always have to pick up the pieces. You won’t need a child. You will already have one.
Get out while you can.
The silent treatment is toxic AF. It’s proof that he has horrid communication skills, which is not a great indicator for how your marriage will go. No matter what, this is unacceptable. If ignoring you/silent treatment is the way he deals with conflict in the relationship, you cannot stay with him – it would be like marrying a 5th grader. He needs healthy adult commnunication skills.
It’s okay if he felt hurt, or if he felt pressured. But the response, to your PARTNER is to COMMUNICATE how you are feeling.
You have every right to know his plans. If he won’t share them with you, the relationship is moot, so dump him for that.
He hasn’t worked in FOUR YEARS. Are you covering him? Have you been covering him? All you have to do is stop. YOu don’t have to pressure him. (I’m not covering your expenses. If you refuse to get ANY job to make some income you’ll have to find a different place to live.)
He’s an adult. He doesn’t get to “wait” for the “right job” while he lets someone ELSE support him, a fully grown able bodied man. It wouldn’t be okay for 6 months, but for 4 YEARS. And no plan? And refuses to talk about it?
I would just tell him. “I tried to talk about this with you, but you shut me out. Because of that, I had to make a decision without any conversation or input. That was your choice, but either way the decision is made. We’re breaking up and you will have to financially support yourself becaue you son’t get another dime from me.”
I don’t know if he’s WILLFULLY using you, or if he’s just SO entitled and out of touch that he doesn’t even think there’s anything wrong with this, but there is NO UNIVERSE where anyone should be covering a fully grown able adult. He needs to work. If he can’t find a job he wants, he has to take a job he doesn’t want in the meantime. His refusal to do that, his confidence that you would just take care of everything…. it’s pretty bold. I don’t think he’s manipulating you at all. I think he’s being pretty damn open about using you. It’s clear. He’s not even hiding it.
If he wasn’t using you, he’d be working at SOMETHING to contribute at least SOMETHING. This guy had 4 years and moved NOWHERE. Didn’t achieve anything, didn’t grow, didn’t get a job. You can’t be attached to someone like this. Good luck.
I hear ya, OP, communication can be tough, especially when it’s about something sensitive like this.
Why are you with this guy? Unless he has some sort of mental or physical handicap there’s no reason he can’t get a job. Sounds like he has no real interest in moving forward. Still lives with his parents at 37 and then stonewalls you all day instead of having a conversation like an adult…this guy is extremely immature.
Weird and red flag that he won’t work at his age.
I have read some of the comments. I agree that ignoring you all day is not a good behavior. However, you also said that he is not mooching off you and I think that speaks well of him. I would have a serious sit down talk with him. Let him know that you are not okay with him ignoring you. It must be hard for him to not have a job and he probably has some shame around that. However, before you move forward you want him to be able to have tough conversations. Marriage is a lot of tough conversations….
OP, he’s giving you the silent treatment to punish you for wanting him to be gainfully employed.
Beware there are MANY people, and he sounds like one of them, who will always have a “reason” to not get a job. They “need” another degree. They “need” a certificate. They “heard” from someone that someplace will be hiring for good jobs “soon” and want to prioritize that.
A friend of a friend spent 20 YEARS with a guy like that. He never got job. He spent 12 years on his PhD. Then a post-doc. Lots of excuses. She ended up paying him alimony, he got half her retirement savings and the house. TWENTY YEARS.
OP, he’s showing you who he is. Don’t marry him until he has a job, a GOOD job, pulls his weight, and shows that he can KEEP the job.
The silent treatment is a forming control and abuse.
Are you in the UK?
Here is the thing and I’m going to be brutally honest. He may feel under pressure and probably feels like he can’t handle it. He has crippling anxiety maybe but he is still able to function. Also he is probably looking for a specific role aligned with his studies.
I think you should sit down and have a conversation. Also if your residency is ending, aren’t you able to find another job for sponsorship?
With a 3 year gap between school and now with no work history is a red flag for hiring managers. Waiting for a dream job is not going to get him hired. As a hiring manager, his resume would be thrown out due to this and no experience. My recommendation would be to see if he could volunteer or intern while looking if he isn’t going to take a job. I would prefer experience via this over nothing since college.
I am not sure if he is manipulating by not talking. His feelings are probably hurt and he probably doesn’t know how to express that.
You’re about to be a doctor and he hasn’t worked in 5 years. Girl you can do better. Anybody can do better.
I guess I need to ask where do you see this relationship going exactly???
You’ve got your life together. You’ve got your own house, your career, you’ve got motivation and drive to improve your life. You’re pretty much exactly where you should be for your age.
Then you’ve got him. He’s a 37 yr old man, with no job and lives with his parents? Why are you with him? I’m sorry I don’t care how nice he is, this guy is going nowhere. If you were to marry him, you’d be supporting him. You would just be taking over where his parents left off. If he hasn’t lived alone, then you know he hasn’t been doing his own laundry or cooking his own meals either so you’d be doing that too. His parents have let this go on far too long to the point that he probably will never grow up. And if he’s 37 and hasn’t gotten his shit together by now, he most likely never will.
You dared to ask him what he plans to do with his life and instead of answering you, he decides to give you the silent treatment. Yes giving someone the silent treatment can be a form of manipulation but I’m not sure that’s what he’s doing in this situation. I think he gave you the silent treatment because he doesn’t have a plan. It’s clear he doesn’t want to work. I’m guessing his parents are asking him the same thing? He’s telling himself that he’s waiting for the perfect job to come along, but we all know that doesn’t happen usually. It’s just his stall tactic to not work. My friend was married to a guy like him. He never actually got a degree in anything, he started lots of programs, but never finished anything. Now he’s 50 years old and living back at home because my friend couldn’t stand being the only one to ever earn a stable income. And after 23 yrs doing all the household chores, doing all the cooking and then doing all the child raising she divorced him. He was always bitter and angry and blaming her for all his problems.
You are heading into your mid 30s and he’s on his way to his 40s. There’s no wiggle room here anymore. You’re both solidly adults, you’ve got your life in order and he’s nowhere close to having a life at all let alone actually have it together. He’s never even left mom and dad’s house! You be making a serious mistake marrying this man. You may love him, but his lack of motivation and drive will eventually cause resentment and will doom the marriage.
It’s time to move on and find somebody that’s more your equal.
That he still lives with parents at 37 and doesn’t even contribute to their household is a deal breaker for me. He’s got “savings” to pay for trips- he need to chip in with parents! He’s never going to be a good partner. Anyone else would be taking side gigs while looking for his dream job…or just getting a real job even if not what he trained for.
Has he ever worked? Ever held down a job of any kind? I mean he’s 37 so I assume he has not been going to college since he was 18. Everybody I know started working at 16, 1718 mowing lawns, pet sitting, babysitting, and then moving onto nonskilled job such as fast food, worker, movie theater, grocery store bagger… Anything? Has he done anything at all? Do his parents/mom do everything for him? Is he even a functioning adult? How on earth have you managed to have a relationship with someone like this?
Sounds like you are motivated and moving your life forward and he is doing the opposite. Before you invite him to live in your home or legally tie yourself to him… You need to get a full understanding of his finances.
Who is paying for his living expenses? You said he has been using his savings which implies that he at one time had a well paying career And for some reason he decided to quit and go back to school? Maybe he could go back to that original job?
His savings will eventually run out and he will have to learn to adult. Are you going to want to take on the role of his mommy/babysitter and help him do that or will he be able to do that on his own?
The fact that he is stonewalling, silent treatment, treating you poorly because you wanna have a rational normal conversation would probably be a dealbreaker for me with a 37-year-old. A 20-year-old… No problem. You’re just trying to figure everything out and emotions are always more amplified and logical communication isn’t always forefront on your mind… But not at 37.
What you’re dealing with here is “Failure to Launch”. He lives with his parents and finished his degree three years ago? Did I read that correctly? Finished his degree three years ago but has yet to find employment?!! The guy sounds like he lacks the initiative and self confidence to move forward. I realize you love him, but you need to ask yourself whether this is the type of person you want to be with long term. Good luck.