I (31F) moved in 6 weeks ago with my boyfriend (32M) of 1.5 years. I have never lived with a partner before. Mature relationship with open communication and lots of love prior, and normal bickering at times. Within a week of moving in, it was as if I was having internal panic attacks. I withdrew, didn’t want to be near him and wanted physical distance. We openly talk about it. It makes sense that with a big change can come mixed emotions, but it was still a shock of their magnitude.
For those with similar reactions, how long did it take to feel “normal” again in the relationship? Did anything help get it there?
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Yeah, none of this is great.
Usually, it takes a little while before the fun of living together wears off.
If you’re having panic attacks, this might just not be the right relationship for you.
There’s no general advice to give here, as this is very much specific to you. You essentially had internal panic attacks. Why? You chose to withdraw. That’s not a “normal” thing that just happens after moving in with someone. So we’d again need to understand exactly why you’re feeling this way. There’s absolutely specific reasons for it related to you and your relationship, so you’ll have to let us know. Talk us through it.
Did you ease into moving in, or just jump into it? What do you feel like the panic is about? Are you worried that you’ll break up and you’ll be stranded, or are you just stressed about not having your own space? Sometimes it helps to name the emotions and causes, then you can reassure yourself.
I mean, I think more self-knowledge will help you here. It’s not exactly the typical reaction to moving in. Then again, what’s “normal?”
I personally also panicked when I moved in with my current partner, even though I have previous experience. In fact, if was because of that previous experience, in which I’d had living situations pulled out from under me with no warning multiple times and moving in with him made all that trauma resurface. So, I spent some time with myself figuring out how to calm my nervous system and regulate through the amygdala response.
Knowing why you’re panicking helps…I’d say sit with the feeling and figure out where the fear is coming from. And try not to withdraw from your partner too much while doing so; they’re there to help (and if they’re not, then that’s probably why you’re panicking, but it doesn’t sound like that is the case).
>Within a week of moving in, it was as if I was having internal panic attacks. I withdrew, didn’t want to be near him and wanted physical distance.
What were the causes of the panic attacks? Were there specific situations or circumstances that started them? Or just, existing in the same space?
None of this is “normal.”
I was so expecting this to be about how long the «fun sleepover» vibes last, and was getting hyped to tell how after 5 years I still don’t know when they’ll end.
But this is kinda sad tbh! This sounds very personal, and especially with how little info about you and your partner you’ve given, there’s no way for anyone else to tell why react this way. This is one of those things where self reflection is the only solution.
I never felt this way, I was beyond excited for 1-2 years and then felt settled in and comfortable. 10 years later and I still love it 💜
it’s crazy how your body can feel like it’s under attack even when things are good on paper. that panic isn’t a flaw in you. it’s your body remembering what it felt like to not feel safe before. you’re not broken for feeling this way. feeling “normal” again takes time, but you’re already ahead just by being aware of it and talking openly. maybe give yourself some grace and remember that your mind and body are still learning what peace feels like. you’re not alone in that
It’s never going to be the same “normal” as it was before you moved in together. The point is to create a new “normal”. If living together didn’t fundamentally change the nature of the relationship there’d be no reason to do it. So if you’re someone who values your privacy and needs a lot of ‘me time’ you’ll have work on crafting that out of whatever living arrangement you have. That might mean you spend time outside of your shared domicile. It might mean there’s a space for you to go and be alone to work on your individual pursuits. But six weeks isn’t a long time and it would be fairly “normal” for you both to still be integrating yourselves into this new dynamic.
This assumes your name is on the lease and you’re paying half the bills. If you’ve just moved into his place with no legal protections at all it would be the correct response to feel pretty unsettled. So if that’s the case you should be working toward some kind of security, i.e. putting things into place where he can’t just kick you out if the mood strikes him.
Mind you that I don’t know enough about your relationship to actually give advice, but i’ll tell you what it seems like to me, based on my own experiences. First of all, being able to talk openly about this with him is a telling sign that this is not “the end”. It sounds like your relationship is steady and healthy. Moving in however definitely seems to have triggered something in you. Your reaction seems too big for the situation, which is usually a sign of some past trauma being activated. Is it possible you have a history of emtional abandonment or attachment issues? Does it maybe feel that living together makes you feel trapped and your autonomy is now limited? I have a feeling that you’re projecting some past trauma feelings onto your SO, making it feel like he as a person is the cause of it, while actually it’s something in you that has little to do with him. Keep communicating and analyse your feelings. Why are you feeling it? Is it because you dont like your partner, is he making you feel uncomfortable? Or has it nothing to do with him as a person, but you just feel uneasy for an unknown reason? If it’s the latter, good chance that it might be something inside of you that you’ll have to deal with. Anyway, good luck!
Moving in together can hit you like a ton of bricks sometimes, hey? Remember, even if it feels crazy now, this too shall pass.
I think you should speak with a therapist about this. There may be an underlying trauma that has been triggered by “losing” your personal space per se.
Prior to moving in, how much time did you spend together? I think most couples start spending 4-5-6 nights a week together for a while before officially moving in.
I am a person who needs a lot more time alone than my partner. Bless him, sometimes he will follow me through the house talking to me and I feel pursued! We make sure that we each get what we need. He’s very social, so he goes out more than I do. I stay home and get my alones, and he gets his social cup filled. I go to bed early and get up early for quiet mornings, he stays up late and sleeps late. Living on your own for so long it can feel super weird to have someone else Always There. Make sure you’re not defaulting to doing everything together.
Did you move into HIS place, and are you having difficulty making the space feel like your own? If you’re trying to fit into a space already dedicated to his stuff and lifestyle, it would be stifling and hard to find peace. You could either both move into a new place, or have a dedicated space for yourself (a room, a basement, etc) that feels more like “home” to you.
I could be totally off base here but you should look into avoidant dismissive attachment styles (especially in relationships). If you feel like that applies to you, just make sure you’re getting all the alone time you need and being kind with yourself as you adjust to the change.
I’ve lived with two partners and both were pretty bad relationships but I was still excited for us to move in together. Did you have doubts before taking this step? Your body may be telling you that something just isn’t right. I don’t know maybe get therapy. What specifically is bothering you? Do you miss your space? Is he messy and you’re not?
Panic attacks? Do you not trust him? Are you not sure about him?
I ask this cause I experienced weird things with one guy but never experienced with anyone else.
Your body is trying to tell you something. Look inward, my friend, and be totally honest with yourself.
Moving in with somebody you want to be around doesn’t normally cause panic attacks.
Do you have your own space within the new place? Sounds like it’s his place prior to you moving in, so it would be good to have your own space. But voice all of this to him and lean into each other to figure this out for both of you.