Me (F25) and my partner (M26) have been together for almost 4 years, and within the last year or so I discovered he struggles with a porn addiction, checks other women out (recently saw him eyeing up a girl at the grocery store not once, but 3 times, in front of me, while the girl was with her boyfriend as well. He was so distracted by her he stumbled over his words while in a conversation with me), and makes comments to his friends about how sexy other women are while they’re out together.
I’m really struggling with moving forward and knowing if this is a red flag/something I should be concerned about in our future together. We’ve talked about marriage, and having a family together. I come from a broken family and the last thing I want is to ignore things now that later I would regret/end up in a separated situation. We’ve had conversations about all of these things, and he claims he’d never act on anything. He didn’t deny checking the girl out, said it didn’t mean anything, and that he was sorry he put me in that position.
^ This instance happened after finding out he watches porn almost everyday, so you can imagine how I’m feeling.. I asked him to at least clear his history so I don’t see what he’s looking at but he continues to watch it anyway. He lied to my face when I confronted him about it. He promised he hadn’t been watching anymore and has been proud of his progress (which didn’t actually exist). His IG explore page is also full of girls with big butts or showing off their tits.
I’m starting to think these ways are just who he is, and that he’ll never be satisfied with me. I don’t look at other men with desire. Sure I notice other men are attractive, but I keep it moving and certainly don’t become distracted/obviously gawk over them. I personally find all of this extremely hurtful and disrespectful to what him and I share together.
Do other couples face this same issue? I’m having a hard time believing anything he says. His words, love, and promises feel like nothing anymore. I’m not sure what to do.
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No, this is not normal.
Being attracted to other people is something outside our control, but it sounds like you have reasonable expectations for what’s okay.
An addiction, regardless of whether it’s porn or substances, detracts from the relationship.
If they can’t control themselves when you’re standing right next to them, there’s zero chance of them moderating their porn intake.
If my partner were eyebanging people while I was with them in the grocery store, it’d be a deal breaker regardless of how otherwise excellent they were.
You decide for yourself, but this person clearly has 0 self restraint, and that’s a pretty shit quality in a monogamous situation.
I am having a difficult time understanding what the word ‘struggle’ means in this context.
How is your boyfriend struggling? How are you strugging?
It seems to me that he is behaving like a creep around women in public and you don’t like it. Which part of that is the struggle?
The porn this is a bit silly. You’ve labeled it an addiction. Do you know what the word addiction means and do you think that is an apt description of his decision to watch porn?
You and your partner aren’t “struggling”, only you are. If he was actually “struggling” with this he’d be in treatment for his porn addiction and making some real strides to overcome it. So maybe you can talk to him about that. But the best way to avoid a “broken family” would be to not make children with someone who’s utterly unrepentant about an issue you find deplorable. Meaning that if he can admit this is a bad thing and take some real means to changing it you might have a shot at what you want with this person. But if he doesn’t view this as a problem he’s not going to do anything to move beyond it.
Sorry, where’s the struggle on his end? How is he struggling?
He’s rude, boorish, and lacks the social skills most people learn in middle school. Throw this one back to the sea.
He’s disrespecting you and doesn’t care that he’s hurting you. You can do better.
Watching porn is normal, checking out women in public is normal, making comments to friends about other women is normal.
But watching porn every day and being so distracted by women in public that he can’t function is not normal.
He needs to learn what is and isn’t acceptable – he’s just not controlling himself right now and that’s perfectly reasonable for you to be concerned about. He needs to decide if he’s going to actually make progress on controlling his behavior, or if he’s not ready for a relationship.
He is rude as F!
Don’t have a bf who disrespects you and demeans you.
I had a bf who used to do this. He was a cheater. I would never go out with a man who does this ever again.
Men who do this, they are not loyal, they’re not decent.
Ok I’m in my early 40’s, here’s my stance.
People like to look at interesting people. I think relationships where there is this hard boundary of “you absolutely cannot check out an attractive/interesting/whatever person” are pretty unrealistic. I like the sports car comparison – a super cool fancy sports car drives by, it’s normal for someone to be like whoa check that out! It’s not normal to walk up and touch the car, to sit in the driver’s seat, to steal it, etc. But watching it drive by and be like dang that’s interesting is … human nature.
The porn thing, the repeated stares, a lot of this is what I call “what is disrespectful to the relationship?”. A LOT needs to be defined or understood… In some relationships, it’s totally normal for both partners to fuck other people on the weekends. In other relationships, it’s totally normal to wear a headdress covering faces when they go out. Both polar opposites can be “healthy” but everyone needs to be on the same page, in agreement, not coerced or manipulated.
Long story short, you probably need to find a guy who never glances at other women. He needs to find a partner who doesn’t care if he stares. It seems like a trivial issue, but imho it’s a pretty big one.
He isn’t struggling. He is being who he is and always has been. YOU are struggling because you won’t accept that you can’t change another adult into a new person.
He is honestly a creep. Very immature and not ready for a serious relationship. Don’t waste any more of your time.
4 years is a very long time so I can understand why you would want to work through this instead of just ending things with him. But I think the best thing you can do is have a serious conversation with him and if it really is a porn addiction there is help he can get if he really wants to change. And if he doesn’t want to or is unwilling to for the sake of your relationship I’m afraid the best thing to do would be to leave him before you do make an irreversible decision like having children.
I believe a man should at least care enough about your feelings to not do something so blatantly disrespectful like looking at other women in front of you. And for him to admit it, is very telling but I can imagine how upsetting it was.
leave. ur just going to end up with low self esteem and a broken home eventually when he cheats on u. ur allowing him to disrespect u in public, to friends, and online. he’s pushing the boundaries to see how far he can take it and he’ll continue pushing them. you deserve more. do you really want a family and marriage with a man controlled by lust? if he’s doing this and yall are on good terms what about when you get into a disagreement? what about if you got pregnant to start this family and he cheats bc he is controlled by that lust? his addiction is killing the relationship and will drag you down as well. he’s selling you dreams about a future he’s not serious about. porn addiction also points to other issues as well like misogyny and unreal expectations of women in general. like i said you deserve better, you have to want better for yourself. good luck <3
Porn addiction is real. He is filling a need in his soul with arousal and porn. Porn addiction is absolutely influencing his behavior. Been there, done that. Got therapy.
It’s not the porn, it’s the underlying cause for it. If he wants help, he has to do the work.
My boyfriend has never exhibited these behaviors.
Sadly he doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t see his behaviour as a problem and lies to you so he can have you, and his porn, and whoever he might be able to score opportunistically.
You should feel safe, seen, heard, respected, and loved in your relationship; there is nothing that you have said that makes me think that this relationship with this man has this potential because of his lack of consideration, responsibility, and accountability.
Girl my ex use to do that. I left his ass. They do it because they are looking for your replacement
You deserve someone with eyes for you and you only. You deserve to have a life where your future kidd grow up seeing their father only love their mother.
Would you want your future husband behaving this way in front of your kids, at school events, at weddings you attend together, etc.?
If the answer is no, dump him. You’re still so young.
I mean, jeez… I thought we’d moved past this caveman stuff by now. He’s just ignoring all those “love and respect” lectures, isn’t he? OP, you’ve got a good heart, but honey, you’re being way too nice.
Porn ruins another relationship.
Just leave him, it will never get better.
I’m going to save you some time. Leave him. Men like this rarely change unless they want to – and that comes with effort and proof. He can’t control himself at a grocery store IN FRONT OF YOU and clearly has a porn addiction he’s content with.
It’s blatant disrespect and you’re clearly bothered by his behavior. Save yourself, he won’t change.
I’d be concerned, because if he can’t control his eyeballs, how long until he “can’t control” his hands or his lil’ Johnson.
Looking at other people can be normal. I think everyone has people watched at least once in their life, but oogling? That’s different.
What he is doing sounds basically like the “distracted boyfriend” meme. (Dude looking behind him at another woman while out with his own girlfriend or something)
That’s just rude and disrespectful to you.
I think you should dip, because he isn’t respecting you. And it doesn’t sound like he’s planning on trying to fix these issues.
Find a new guy, one who respects you and respects other women.
Well, you know he’s a liar with a wandering eye. Don’t trust words, trust deeds. If you disregard what he’s told you and only judge by what he’s shown you, what would you say? My husband only has eyes for me, isn’t that what you want?